How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Banquet Meal said:
that aside, its so weird to hear people talking about dating, and the single life, etc because i have never experienced any of that, and i cant relate at all. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have the house completely to myself, and i wonder if im missing out on something.
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In addition to what Spilled Spaghett said, I think I have mentioned this before but I'll say it again - it's incredibly easy to get used to loneliness to the point the notion of not being alone seems more scary. At least that's where I'm at in life right now. The thought of having a woman by my side seems terrifying, like I would be loosing the freedom to do whatever I want, not that I'm doing much with that in the first place. But maybe this also depends on how autistic you are.

Another problem is that women are really scary in the sense that because of not having experience with them, it feels like I could be taken advantage of too easily and it makes me be overly defensive and avoidant. On one hand, I yearn for women, but on the other as the saying goes "I've seen what pussy does to a mofo and it's much worse" - just take a look at idubbbz. As a loner nerd, you see that and think "damn, that could be me if I'm not careful". So it makes it really hard to want to even try dating and open up to anyone.

Also to what @Spiled Spaghett was saying about confidence, having a job and resources does not necessarily lead to confidence. If I look back I'm competent enough and I've done plenty of things that should make me confident, but it's not something that comes easily to me in any way shape or form. It seems that in the back of my mind I'm always the worst person I'll ever know. It's kind of fucked up when you are your own biggest hater. I suppose that's why I'm seeking therapy now.

Perhaps the most terrifying thing of all is how you can have these issues and just avoid them for over a decade without a thought. "Yeah I'll just walk it off" you think, but it never really goes away on its own if you don't actively do something about it. This is kind of a TMI type post, but to any young lone autists reading this in the future, don't be passive about it for years like I was. Seek help while you're young. It's really hard to change yourself, so the sooner you start the better and it's easier to not take this journey alone.
 
AnOminous said:
Finally, on one of my patrols, she showed up again and meowed, then ran away from me when I was trying to take her back home, but then let me pick her up and actually take her back home. And is now back home.
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ngl, imagining John Goodman looking for a semi-feral kitty is the best way to end my day.
Animals are just something else.
 
long waters said:
It's kind of fucked up when you are your own biggest hater
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i agree with this...i have very..VERY low self esteem, thanks to my horrid family when i was growing up. they collectively had a hangup over me being an overweight child..like constantly picking on me for it, my family nickname was "fats"....they called me this every single day, and not in some endearing way either...and *im oversharing again but its relevant*

when i was 13, i finally met my father for the 1st time. and it went badly...long story short, he was unhappy at my being overweight, and he also found out quickly that i was terrible at math, and said that no daughter of his could be that "fat and stupid", and i never saw him again.

i tried to locate him about 20 years ago, and i finally found his family, and i thought him...it turns out that he had passed away back in 2000, and i had been able to email a former partner in the company he owned, and the guy was like "i remember you hanging out with your dad in his office, and he loved spending time with you so much!"
he didnt realized that this was his OTHER kid. not me. he didnt even know he had another kid. was embarrassing.
(:_(

i wonder if its worse for young men though, because it seems like the world is already geared to be hostile towards young men in general, as if they dont have feelings too. i hope you can gain more self confidence as time goes on, and you become more self assured, though.
 
Only slept a few hours, disturbed dreams, woke at 4am feeling warm and restless. Went for a walk to cool off - below freezing at the moment. Planet seemed turned off. Everywhere frost covered and no people or animals. Walked 6½ miles. Around 5am started to see a few of the Early People. Those poor souls who keep the infrastructure functioning. By 6am, traffic and a runner. Still dark when I returned home but seeing lit windows, buses with staring faces.... Sun wont be up for a little while but feel better for a walk. Frost and exercise helped me cool off.
 
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I sold my aunt's ladder and some other junk she didn't want in a remarkably short time since posting them, I got to keep 20% of the sales. I initially said I wanted nothing, then caved to 10%, and she insisted on 20%. She is allergic to technology so she can't use marketplace apps.

Now I get to go to see a talkie tomorrow w/ my best friend and others. That zoo movie where the critters can talk. Maybe a slice of pizza after too.

The profit from the sales is the only reason I get to go. Times are tough, I'm out here treating nickels like manhole covers lately.

In other words, shitty, but sometimes you have to joyfully participate in the suffering of the world.
 
Overly Serious said:
Only slept a few hours, disturbed dreams, woke at 4am feeling warm and restless. Went for a walk to cool off - below freezing at the moment. Planet seemed turned off. Everywhere frost covered and no people or animals. Walked 6½ miles. Around 5am started to see a few of the Early People. Those poor souls who keep the infrastructure functioning. By 6am, traffic and a runner. Still dark when I returned home but seeing lit windows, buses with staring faces.... Sun wont be up for a little while but feel better for a walk. Frost and exercise helped me cool off.
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I like those kinds of walks, I do those occasionally myself
 
I'm finally getting better from a viral chest infection, still coughing though. Being sick makes me miss eating full meals. I'd kill for a roast dinner right now. I've got some fresh salmon today, which is great for a sore throat.
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Overly Serious said:
Only slept a few hours, disturbed dreams, woke at 4am feeling warm and restless. Went for a walk to cool off - below freezing at the moment. Planet seemed turned off. Everywhere frost covered and no people or animals. Walked 6½ miles. Around 5am started to see a few of the Early People. Those poor souls who keep the infrastructure functioning. By 6am, traffic and a runner. Still dark when I returned home but seeing lit windows, buses with staring faces.... Sun wont be up for a little while but feel better for a walk. Frost and exercise helped me cool off.
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Roaming around before dawn is lovely - you get to see the world so quiet, it’s like a completely different side of it.
Then by 8pm you’re ready for bed.

I’m glad your cat came back @AnOminous - my old dude went out wandering a few times for weeks and it was great to get him back.
long waters said:
it's incredibly easy to get used to loneliness to the point the notion of not being alone seems more scary
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It’s very easy to get yourself trapped somewhere where things are ok. If things are really bad you have a motivation to change, that’s what pain is for, it’s a stimulus unpleasant enough that you rest to it. So really bad stuff you simply react to, but when things are just kind of manageable, and miserable but not acutely hideous, that’s where you get stuck. It’s hard to change, but maybe you should? Better to have loved and lost, no?
 
Banquet Meal said:
i wonder if its worse for young men though, because it seems like the world is already geared to be hostile towards young men in general, as if they dont have feelings too. i hope you can gain more self confidence as time goes on, and you become more self assured, though.
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This may sound doompilled, but I would go further and say the world is hostile towards everyone nowadays. It's only when you're an innocent child being safeguarded by your loving parents that the world is a rosy place. With the perils of the internet young boys are afflicted by a neverending stream of porn frying their brains, while young girls have to struggle with getting addicted to social media attention and whoring out. And I can't imagine how horrifying it must be for young girls that aren't built like a model, seeing all the instagram thots and the attention they get, must really hit one's self esteem. Same with young boys and all the roided out freaks looking like Greek gods and having all kinds of nasty health issues in their 30s. Rich kids aren't safe either, some of them trooning out like Musk's kids. I think these are simply perilous times. We may no longer have to fear wild beasts and the elements, but there are other dangers.

As far as my own confidence issues go, I swear I used to be better in the past, but getting older (past 30) has kind of affected me in that kind of way.

Edit: and even though I should know better than to compare myself to others, it still fucks with my brain when I see younger dudes than I driving teslas and other expensive cars, or dudes looking super fit. It makes me think why would a woman want to have anything to do with me when there are guys like that out there? Even though obviously that's a huge fallacy, there are people worse off than I who are happily married, and people who are better off who are struggling all the same.

Confidence is like investing and compounding interest, the sooner you get it the more it builds up on itself, and the more you struggle with it, the harder it is to catch up.
 
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long waters said:
why would a woman want to have anything to do with me when there are guys like that out there?
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As a woman that is unironically done dating rich guys, "guys like that" might get all the women, but that's kind of the problem. They get all of the women, all at once, and they know that they can.

A woman that knows her value isn't throwing herself at men like that.
 
Not A Bunny said:
As a woman that is unironically done dating rich guys, "guys like that" might get all the women, but that's kind of the problem. They get all of the women, all at once, and they know that they can.

A woman that knows her value isn't throwing herself at men like that.
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"done dating" implies you were into that in the past, so that's confirming it works that way :lol:

But eh, both sexes have their shortcomings, us guys want a gal that's built like a model, will have sex on command and stays home to cook and wash crusty socks; and gals want the rich playboy who can get any girl but only really loves her because it just magically works that way okay? I suppose it's just hard to make reasonable compromises and have realistic expectations.
 
long waters said:
"done dating" implies you were into that in the past, so that's confirming it works that way :lol:
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In my defense, here I am, middle-aged and thinking I can meet someone like me: learned things about themselves from past relationships and hates being in the dating pool enough to want to work on a real relationship.

How foolish I was.

I was attracted to them primarily because they were intelligent, not even because they had money (the richest guys I've dated were actually pretty close to obese). The money was incidental, and I don't suffer idiots (blame the autism, I guess) - in general, I want someone who values having a brain and have longer and more detailed thoughts than bumper stickers (I rarely write short posts because I believe ideas are not meant to be quickly digested).

Maybe they were humoring me in my pursuits of being regarded as intelligent or at least thoughtful, because when they started making demands, they got mad at me for asserting boundaries. Like, okay, I put up with your rambling, and you're not going to do any better than me, so either do what I want or I'll stop pretending I'm interested in you.

Sure, it works on a lot of women. But there are plenty of women who know better than to get involved with those guys. It's a shame I wasn't one of them.

I'm not saying all rich guys are that kind of ugly, just don't sell yourself short.
 
Being a home maker ain't shit if your husband has no
goals then it's just house arrest with cleaning duties.

This morning I finished the blood test, so I have to have that sent off, and I need blood drawn today
In the last ten years I have been dealing with a lot, long story short doctors could find nothing wrong even though I can't eat most foods without a reaction. I had to element foods myself and be my own doctor and I found out that gluten/any type of sugar and histamines are a no go and I also have acid reflux and IBS with mixed symptoms. I feel unwell more than I feel well and it also has caused some major insomnia which now has been worsened by perimenopause. I am going through every avenue of tests which recently means blood tests. Yay.


So far I have influenced husband to start the training in order to get the certificate to be able to work but recently he has been dragging his feet again. I am still working on getting some social assistance but no word yet and I expect to be rejected again.
I like a good poop joke, they can be funny but every day it's the same thing, husband cleans the cat litter and then put the leavings in the toilet. Never gets old. Today I am having a stomach day and I have left a little something in the toilet for husband to find. It's nasty. He's mad.

I tried something different this morning, I knew that mom wanted me to ask me how her night was, so I waited until she asked me how my night was so then she had a chance of reciprocation and it seemed to have worked.
 
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long waters said:
It makes me think why would a woman want to have anything to do with me when there are guys like that out there?
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well, any woman who judges a man on how much money he has or what kind of car he drives isnt worth having anyway, she would be more than likely to use you for everything you have and cheat eventually.
i might be super naive, but im hoping that girls like that are few and far between.

intelligence and being a good person who is interesting and can hold a good conversation go further than a fancy car and money ANY day.
money comes and goes, and it definitely doesnt make the man. obviously a woman wants a man who will be able to take care of her and their future children someday, but being wealthy isnt the most important thing.

i bet that when you least expect it, you will meet someone amazing that is perfect for you, 100 percent.
 
long waters said:
Edit: and even though I should know better than to compare myself to others, it still fucks with my brain
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Ah man, I struggle with this so much as well. Admittedly not in reference to dating, but definitely insofar as self-esteem goes. All these people out here being younger than me and doing the same things I do but way better, having jobs I could have had if I'd just applied myself and making good money at it, getting open praise (and sometimes money!) doing the same hobbies I enjoy by myself... It's not a race, blah blah blah, but it's hard not to feel like I'm falling behind regardless.

Obviously I'm grateful for internet access, and I don't think it'd be better to go back to the no-net days, but it really does feel like social media in general has worked to ruin having hobbies and just... Living, in general, by making it feel like a constant showcase of all the stuff/success/happiness everyone else has that you don't. Even if you try your best not to see it that way. Sucks a big one.
 
Motherf*cker said:
Being a home maker ain't shit if your husband has no goals then it's just house arrest with cleaning duties.
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that is true. there is zero point in being a housewife if your husband isnt providing the house or the money necessary to make a home. it doesnt have to be a mansion, but it has to be SOMETHING at least.
i will say that too many young girls will talk about their "fiance", who turns out to be some bum they have been living with for 6 years, and all he does is play video games and make excuses as to why he cant put in 40 hours. i couldnt handle that, and idk how anyone else does, for that matter. i like having my house to myself, and having a grown man not working, not providing for the family, sitting at home ALL day would piss me off almost immediately :lossmanjack:
 
long waters said:
Edit: and even though I should know better than to compare myself to others, it still fucks with my brain when I see younger dudes than I driving teslas and other expensive cars, or dudes looking super fit. It makes me think why would a woman want to have anything to do with me when there are guys like that out there? Even though obviously that's a huge fallacy,
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Ok, look; you don’t want the kind of girl who is impressed by or demands a fancy car, surely? . I know such girls exist, but you surely don’t want a woman whose criteria list has brands on it?
And be fit and healthy as you reasonably can because it’s good for you. By reasonably I mean healthy.
Personally I find the sort of looksmaxxing/ gym fit types offputting. Just look clean, smell nice, be vaguely fit, and normal ish. Having those weird neck muscles or that inflated gym look is odd. Fit because you do dry stone walling or masonry for a living or you run? That’s great.
I don’t care what kind of car someone drives. Are they,
Kind?
Funny?
Smart?
Good to spend time with?
Reasonably stable?
Do they make me feel good when I spend time with them? Do I want to make them feel good and spend with them?
Etc. You’re looking at others and comparing on all the wrong criteria. Stop.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. comparison is the thief of joy
 
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