How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[stick]

I got diagnosed with PTSD not too long ago and I'm having a hard time coping with it.

Spoiler: Embarrassing mental health details

I was really upset at first. I still kind of am. I'm trying to be normal about it, but I've realized that my main coping mechanism since I was very young is to blame myself for everything. If you are bad, then it makes sense when bad things happen to you and no one helps or cares or even believes you. This is much easier for a young person to understand. It also gives you power over the situation. It helps, at least at the time. Unfortunately this just leads to an adult that has so much internalized shame and hatred that it's hard to function. You don't trust yourself, which leads you to trusting people you shouldn't. Meanwhile you don't trust people you should, like your friends, because to like someone evil like you they must be stupid or evil themselves. You don't experience joy. You're numb all the time. Your limbs are heavy, and your entire body is so, so tense. You either disappear or regress to an embarrassing degree when it's stressful. I'm babbling. Anyways. My original point was that the diagnosis is hard to swallow and has been very destabilizing. It's basically a doctor saying "no, objectively that was all messed up and it wasn't your fault." Maybe it would be validating to some, but for me this has shattered my world view. What do you mean a person can be good and do everything right and people can still hurt them so badly? And on purpose, too. Other people can't be evil! Only me!

My only saving grace is my dog. I can look out at the most beautiful, awe-inspiring scenic view you've ever seen and not feel a thing. But looking at him I feel happiness and love. That's the only time I feel human. I worry about what will become of me when he's gone. Hopefully I'm more normal by that time.

 

[funwithshemales69]

Great job, man!! Genuinely super happy for you, looking for work is such a slog in so many ways. Here's to better times ahead!

TYSM, I have been on quite a constant downturn for like 8 years or so, since I started University. Like suicidal depression downturn. I hope this is the end of the bottom half of the sine curve and things are only up from here.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

While I don't expect to get fired, it sucks my mind going there immediately when my superior asks me to percentage-map my daily tasks as the temp is leaving. It's a reasonable ask but fuck me. I feel like every month is a new case of "gotta survive this last one, then it'll be stable". I've paid off my debt so I'm just meant to work and live now, but I've (got nothing to live for keklmao). I need to get out and join a club or something but the immediate darkness of winter ain't inspiring. Nor do I really.. want to. Anything else than sports, sure, but D&D ain't my thing.

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. -Carl Jung.

I like sharing things, especially the niche kind, but rarely do people actually return the attention. It's nice not having people to share shit with. You go "huh, funny" and move on with your life.

The psychological addiction aspect gets downplayed like a motherfucker when it comes to weed and there are definitely physical addiction symptomes as well.

Even just with alcohol I feel retarded. I'm by no means addicted but I do wanna get completely sober just to face the challenge. To sit here friday evening and think "I could literally just watch a movie and go to bed, like I do every other single fucking day of my life, but no I shall be tempted by uhh 20 seconds of party music on a stream".

TYSM, I have been on quite a constant downturn for like 8 years or so, since I started University. Like suicidal depression downturn. I hope this is the end of the bottom half of the sine curve and things are only up from here.

How I felt getting this office job, and now I'm learning most people make more than I do, working in more relaxed environments. What's a year or two to get a foothold in a new job market but damn.

You cannot make anyone love you. Or like you. This is a lesson I have tried and failed to learn my entire life and I continue to be wounded by my abject and complete failure to learn it.

I couldn't care less if people like me but it certainly helps if you know people are a bit more relaxed about you. I do good shit at work despite the hostile environment, drive home through sleet that send better drivers off the road, and yet I can't even allow myself to roll up in bed with Potter 2 and chocolate milk. In fact, I should probably feel bad for myself more often.

 

[Endless Blabbery]

I'm curious if the radiologist will ask me again if i got my injury from body building like the last time i went, about two years ago. I remember i looked down on myself at that time, seeing my belly and being very close to asking her "Are you, like, fucking with me right now?"

For my arm it was 20 mins so i was going from that. It is my back today, sure hope it isn't anywhere close to an hour. Even with the ear protection on the sounds made me crazy.

I did get an MRI twice for my beautiful brain. Of course they didn't find anything to justify anything. I still don't understand why my psychiatrist thought I needed one instead of, I don't know, proper therapy. And yes, the MRI sucks ass. For anyone that hasn't endured one, no, the ear plugs won't help. You'll be stuck inside a metal donut and you'll remain perfectly still as you get bombarded by boom, ba-dumbst, for what I can only describe to be a long time

---

While I don't expect to get fired, it sucks my mind going there immediately when my superior asks me to percentage-map my daily tasks as the temp is leaving.

Jobless MF here—what the hell is a daily task percentage map?

I like sharing things, especially the niche kind, but rarely do people actually return the attention. It's nice not having people to share shit with. You go "huh, funny" and move on with your life.

Could you elaborate? What kind of things do you like?

---

@stick I unfortunately can't quote you post-post edit but what is the treatment for PTSD like?

 

[Otterly]

I couldn't care less if people like me

No i don’t for most stuff and never have. But when it’s something you’ve put effort into or cared about and you see it’s not reciprocated or you’ve failed it stings. Such is life.

 

[bellybutton exorcism]

You should not, however, feel ashamed or lesser for being hurt. It doesn't matter that it's "merely" a friend rather than a relationship. Losing a friend can hurt more than losing some partners. So don't beat yourself up about that part.

It's as likely a reason on his side as anything about you. But it sucks regardless because one of the worst things you can do to someone is to not give them a reason. Really sorry, anyway. I hope things get better.

Thank you, friend. I really appreciate this.

Small bit of positive thread-tax since I've been a yappy debbie-downer: I've been slowly teaching myself how to build a website from scratch just because, and it's going well! I mmmmostly understand javascript now, so thinking about how front end stuff works on the back end isn't quite so... Debilitatingly Greek. I'm barely above baby level, but it really does feel cool to watch something build up and become functional beyond "click unstyled button, go to new page". Seeing my page elements do what I tell them to do kinda makes me feel like a wizard

 

[Kiwifarmsname]

I can't take the idea of living in post apocalyptic 2025. Why can't we have ended on a good year? Why can't it have just been good?

 

[The Feline Solution 2]

I'd say this friend upgraded his/her friend circle and doesn't want you around anymore.

Yeah, i'd say that, too. Seen it happen before, kinda had it happen to me but i didn't care much at the time about that particular friend, was already at the point where we never did anything together with just the two of us and i only saw him around in group gatherings. He much later fucked over one of my best friend in a complete cuntish way (they knew each other since Kindergarten) and ever since that happened i thought "Man, he always was kind of a twat, wasn't he?". Some people are always looking for something (in their eyes) better and can never be happy with what they have. Fuck them.

for instance the amount of asthma in the employees there isn't normal

Kinda related: For a couple of years now my stairwell is used for dealing pot, dude who is running the show (not an unfriendly guy, we spoke before and he greets me when he sees me) and smokes like a mad man himself has a persistant cough for ~two years that steadily gets worse. Like, i can tell when this dude is around simply because of his cough. You can hear his cough from the other end of the street, it is that bad.

Full spine is anywhere between half to one hour. I had my hips and lower back scanned recently and it was half an hour. The noise was unpleasant and Whitney Houston was on loop and it was bloody freezing. I was shivering so much they had to go get me an extra blanket.

Took 15 minutes tops today, guess i lucked out. Put me in three different positions, too. Also, the first time in at least five years where i had a doctor's appointment where i showed up on time and immediately got called up, made me think i still live in a proper country.

Even just with alcohol I feel retarded.

I pissed vast swathes of my live away on alcohol and ever starting drinking remains in the Top 3 of things i really regret in my life. I stopped drinking completely when i started using hard drugs but now that i am clean for so long drinking is sneaking back into my life slowly but surely and i really do not like it. Lacking the willpower right now to stop, not even gonna lie about it.

context

I messed up my left arm, or rather hand, badly about 2 1/2 years ago by being a retard. I got nerve damage, went to a neurologist, an orthopedist, had an MRI done, got a diagnosis and for some reason (the reason is drugs/addiction issues) i stopped coming in for more treatment. Now i am clean and it has gotten so bad that i will defo need an operation.

Today's MRI was for back issues, most likely disc related, that came up shortly before last year's Christmas.

 

[Otterly]

I stopped drinking completely when i started using hard drugs but now that i am clean for so long drinking is sneaking back into my life slowly but surely and i really do not like it. Lacking the willpower right now to stop, not even gonna lie about it.

You CAN do it. Maybe you need to knock it on the head totally rather than try to be moderate? I think I’ve seen a booze thread somewhere on here. If you’re in constant pain, you’re already on the back foot with this because it’ll be very easy to go back down the substances hole. Finding coping strategies that are healthy should be as big a priority as actually fixing what you can, I think.

 

[Overly Serious]

Thank you, friend. I really appreciate this.

Small bit of positive thread-tax since I've been a yappy debbie-downer: I've been slowly teaching myself how to build a website from scratch just because, and it's going well! I mmmmostly understand javascript now, so thinking about how front end stuff works on the back end isn't quite so... Debilitatingly Greek. I'm barely above baby level, but it really does feel cool to watch something build up and become functional beyond "click unstyled button, go to new page". Seeing my page elements do what I tell them to do kinda makes me feel like a wizard

Awesome. I've built the odd web app in my time and it's very satisfying to see things come together. I'm glad you're finding joy in it. And it's never bad to understand how things actually work from the ground up. So many people don't really understand what they're doing. So don't feel the need to immediately do everything "properly", either. You can very quickly take the fun out of it by doing things in ways that are meant for large scale team development, etc. If you're having fun and learning, you're doing it right. Dip into other things as and when you feel like it. You can always DM me if you'd like some general conceptual pointers about what areas are good to study or if you need context for WHY someone would use something or do something in a particular way.

Oh, and don't always proceed directly to blaming yourself if something doesn't quite make sense to you. Javascript's handling of nulls is idiotic for example!

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Jobless MF here—what the hell is a daily task percentage map?

"What do you do and how big a % of your time does it take up". Either it's a trap for me to state that I don't do much (it's a simple job), or a bait to make me write every little thing I do as to also imply I have to compensate. In reality, to any other decent person, it'd basically be "show me what your workday is like" and that's it.

Could you elaborate? What kind of things do you like?

I'll know an autist who spergs about one specific pokemon so i'll share niche memes of that one thing to them and just, nothing in return. Then one day a week they blow up and go "you only ever do this and that" as they ignore anything else I do, thus rewarding me just sending dumb memes.

I pissed vast swathes of my live away on alcohol and ever starting drinking remains in the Top 3 of things i really regret in my life. I stopped drinking completely when i started using hard drugs but now that i am clean for so long drinking is sneaking back into my life slowly but surely and i really do not like it. Lacking the willpower right now to stop, not even gonna lie about it.

I used to drink friday nights and wake up to new ''friends'' on Steam. Life happens, people move on, and I keep hoping that I'll magically wake up to new people and games. It never happens. In fact, I go to bed earlier and wake later when drunk, so I also piss away precious weekends. I am however so fucking bored that I'd take that over just waking 6AM and not doing fuck-all on a day off, even though I enjoy the vague sense of productivity it brings.

I'd say planning something else to replace it would be smart but I ain't gonna like, prepare a feast every friday evening or go for a walk saturday morning. I just need to raw dog my fridays for a few weeks and the interest dims again. I do get the odd weekend of inspiration where I play things and feel good about life, so I know they're there.

 

[Not A Bunny]

I dyed my hair a "danger hair" color this weekend.

I got tired of trying to be normal. I'm not normal, and it's about time I started acknowledging it.

Honestly, it seems like I've lived my entire life as if everyone around me knows there's something wrong, it's just that nobody will call me out on it. So, fuck it. Here goes me not giving a fuck.

 

[stick]

@stick I unfortunately can't quote you post-post edit but what is the treatment for PTSD like?

I'm not the most knowledgeable, truthfully. So far I just have weekly sessions with a regular therapist. After the diagnosis she suggested EMDR, which I'm not able to describe very well because it honestly sounds like quackery whenever I look into it. I have sensory issues and am a bit pragmatic in how I approach things so she thought it would be a good fit for me. Here's the Wikipedia page for it, maybe it will make more sense to you than it does to me! She also mentioned stuff like equine-assisted therapy since I like animals. Basically you take care of horses then talk with a trauma-informed therapist. There's also exposure therapy, though that doesn't really apply to my issues.

I'm hesitant to try out any of them because I like my current therapist and am scared to open up that can of worms so directly and intentionally. What I do now with my current therapist is regular talk therapy mixed with cognitive behavioral therapy which does help to challenge the thought patterns but isn't PTSD-specific, I don't think. I was also prescribed guanfacine which is actually used for ADHD in children but is sometimes used for adult PTSD. It honestly seems to be helping more for the PTSD than the ADHD. It didn't cure me of course but it basically cranks down the thing in my brain that makes my fight-or-flight response so fucking hyperactive, and improves executive dysfunction. Other medication options include anti-depressants (which I don't like) and one called prazosin that's supposed to help with nightmares specifically.

 

[Otterly]

So many people don't really understand what they're doing.

I have no idea what I’m doing, I just sort of muddle through in a state of dread and fear that someone will realise I don’t know what I’m doing and fire me. Having said that, when I ask questions it becomes apparent that nobody else knows what they’re doing either, so there’s that.

 

[bellybutton exorcism]

[snip]

That's super nice of you, thank you for the offer! I'll definitely keep it in mind! Man, the number of times I've already bashed my proverbial head against the keyboard trying to get this stuff to work... I can't wait for it to never end. It really has been loads of fun though, it's just a huge, intricate puzzle, and that really tickles my brain in a way that many other things just don't quite manage to do. It gives me a similar puzzle-brain enjoyment as making complicated spreadsheets that can fetch data in fun ways. Very difficult at times. Very rewarding also!

 

[The Feline Solution 2]

You CAN do it

Oh, sure, i had sober years even when i struggled the hardest with alcohol, i know i can do it again. It's just not high on my list of priorities right now thanks to all the other shit on my plate.

I'd say planning something else to replace it would be smart but I ain't gonna like, prepare a feast every friday evening or go for a walk saturday morning

Exactly my same issue right now, the main reason i started drinking so often again is i got fuck all to do right now, thanks to the messed up back. Boredom, as always, is the biggest factor when it comes to alcohol/substance abuse for me.

 

[Overly Serious]

I have no idea what I’m doing, I just sort of muddle through in a state of dread and fear that someone will realise I don’t know what I’m doing and fire me. Having said that, when I ask questions it becomes apparent that nobody else knows what they’re doing either, so there’s that.

Basically this cartoon.

That's super nice of you, thank you for the offer! I'll definitely keep it in mind! Man, the number of times I've already bashed my proverbial head against the keyboard trying to get this stuff to work... I can't wait for it to never end. It really has been loads of fun though, it's just a huge, intricate puzzle, and that really tickles my brain in a way that many other things just don't quite manage to do. It gives me a similar puzzle-brain enjoyment as making complicated spreadsheets that can fetch data in fun ways. Very difficult at times. Very rewarding also!

Same. It's an absolute joy building a fun site or app. Offer stands. Have fun!

 

[Otterly]

It's just not high on my list of priorities right now thanks to all the other shit on my plate.

If you’ll allow me to tell you off for a moment, I would suggest it is a priority. You’re worried about it, and you have a very good ‘reason to slide.’

Basically this cartoon.

Pretty much! Honk honk …

 

[Michael_Jordan_Peterson]

For three nights now I've had intense nightmares, and I don't know how to stop them. Today I had a dream that my teeth were falling out. Fucking scary as shit, and I was so grateful when I finally woke up and realized I still had all of my teeth.

I used to get insane nightmares and dreams when taking melatonin.
Feel a little burnt out from work. Its hard to balance the gratitude I should feel for how good I have it and how much Im really sick of this shit and can barely get myself to do good work without abusing caffeine.

 

[Outer Space Traveller]

Holy shit! I clinched it.

Awesome, great way to start the year. Now remember, prove you belong on there, and things will go right.

TYSM, I have been on quite a constant downturn for like 8 years or so, since I started University. Like suicidal depression downturn. I hope this is the end of the bottom half of the sine curve and things are only up from here.

Hopefully it shall be.

I got diagnosed with PTSD not too long ago and I'm having a hard time coping with it.

Damn, this is ass. Good luck, fellow kiwi, keep your head up.