What about going on an adventure? Pick a place or a thing to go see/experience, and do it. That could be a vacation thing, or an afternoon or weekend. Doesn't have to be a big thing - find a cheap place with tiny cabins in the remote woods and do 2 days with no connection to anyone or anything. Or go drive to your state's giant ball of string. Or try something you've never done before - snowshoeing, paddleboarding, a basic intro to wall-climbing, take an app for identifying bird calls into the woods and see what you hear, tour a cave. Or go see an orchestra or a new museum exhibit. Or find some book or site about " x things to do in [place] before you die" or "x place's hidden secrets" and do one or a couple. These are all short time commitments and you may actually feel meh about them (before during and after) but going a step beyond literally just going outside is more likely to engage your brain, and brains like engagement and are more likely to start forming excitement or interest with more stimulation. Or even just go (in warm months) to a farmer's or floral market and buy yourself some flowers for your dining table (or dresser, nightstand, mantel, whatever). Yes, whether you are man or woman; beautiful things are cheering, and some effort to get them has double benefit.
You reminded me of my interest in botany. Fuck, I love plants, but more like a concept. I did try to plant tomato seeds, I think—and those motherfuckers died in a matter of weeks. I thought I had done everything right but apparently not.
Now that AI has allowed everyone and their grandma to have a specialized tutor-slash-peer, I could now give it another try. Also, instead of being poor I am now
somewhat broke, which is an upgrade.
I like the concept of composting because you're literally reusing your food scraps to later feed your plants and that's a whole spiritual-like life-cycle fuckery going on that I really enjoy engaging in. But I'm having trouble:
- In order to make compost, you need sources of carbon and nitrogen. Too much of either can be bad.
- I have enough nitrogen sources, theoretically. But I can't find good carbon sources.
- Used office paper (with laser-ink all over it) actually has got plastic on it, so even if the paper gets degraded, the plastic won't. And I'm not eating plastic-filled tomatoes.
- According to AI, "epicuticular waxes (lipophilic layers) chemically bond with and encapsulate organic pollutants and heavy metal ions." Which is a fancy way of saying leaves from trees on the sidewalk gobble up contaminants such as heavy metals and NOX from combustion exhaust and non-exhaust emissions. So even if I wanted to take brown, dry leaves from trees home and feed those to bacteria in my composting bucket, I'd eventually be feeding my plants heavy metals, which is disgusting.
- Buying paper just to feed it to bacteria to then feed it to plants, IMO, is retarded. So that's a no.
- I don't have a source of cardboard. And I'm too embarrassed to ask a nearby grocery store if they can give me their trash.
So, for now, I'll keep thinking.
I have and its not terribly reliable. Tiring myself out mentally and physically is usually the best option I have without medication. Even then its unreliable and absolutely miserable.
I did try melatonin. I can't say what the dosage because I don't remember but it didn't work, like at all. Maybe it was the fact that I was constantly on my phone (I still am), but tiring myself out by acting mildly schizophrenic on a daily basis does tire you out way more than some magic pill.
I heard there's stronger stuff, but I'd need a prescription. So I just don't. But there were times the insomnia got really bad so I was sort of crying, sort of not to my mother to steal medication from the hospital (she works there). She didn't do that, of course.
On topic: The holidays exhaust me, they're fun but I'm truly glad they're winding down. I try to not tell anyone this because I don't want to piss on their fun but I'm ready for things to continue on.
I dislike the noise so anything that prompts "people" to be annoying I dislike also.
Then there's the fact that my mother no longer sets up the Christmas tree: she says that she's tired. We're all tired. At this point I don't know what we're even doing.
The sad truth is that there really isn't much, especially in countries like the US where third spaces and social clubs are all but nonexistent in most areas. I've met most of my friends at work, and held onto a handful of them since college. My wife went to Middle and High School with me, then decided to reconnect over Facebook a few years ago. Just meeting up with people is extremely difficult.
When it comes to the Western World I'd assume it's pretty much the same everywhere: football, padel tennis, overpriced cheeseburgers and awful beer. I personally live in an area that doesn't have much greenery, if at all—so it's not like I could invite my friends to any shitty park because, even then, a nog-nog would kindly ask for my belongings.
Deleted my reddit account. Good riddance, nothing of value was lost.
Good!
I think I want to remove myself from discord as well. The connections I've made via certain hobbies do not feel real, but mostly because I can't allow myself to have friends. Simply put, I don't feel worthy of someone elses time and emotions.
I don't think you should demean yourself, especially considering we're talking about Discord users here. I personally deleted my Discord account since I was just joining what seemed like right-wing Discord servers but in reality it was just 16-24 year old political BPDers. Absolutely insane.
My aunt won't even talk about what really happened back then to this day but she and her husband had to bail my cousin out of a Tel Aviv prison (bad place to be in for a 2m/6'5" tall blue-eyed, blond-haired german) and they only got him out because my aunts husband has diplomatic contacts via work.
What the hell was your cousin doing in Tel Aviv
but God I just can't wait to leave this job
