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[PetiteFeet]

I Just wanted something nice for myself, that's all.

Your husband sounds outright abusive to you, albeit not physically he is at least emotionally abusive to you. Your dynamic as you describe it reminds me of my parents, and it's not a healthy dynamic. On top of you having to be the good daughter to your ailing parents, with your mother clearly either hating you or being an undiagnosed narc who also abuses you.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

I am disappointed and husband showed me how little he wanted to understand why I was disappointed and then summed up back to me the most selfish fucked up version of what I was saying so that it could be easily dismissed and I am just selfish for wanting.
He controls the money, and I barely have money for the month but on a holiday/birthday month he asks me why didn't save money but has enough to buy himself a gift when I cannot. I have asked him to find work and he will not, during the summer he promised and got me all excited because he said that he was going to do the taxes and with the return that I could maybe get myself a few things and when I bring it up he tells me how selfish I am and then uses it as an excuse for extending the time even longer. He buys nice shatter and promises me that it's the cheapest way of smoking weed but his vaporizer keeps breaking and we're going to have to buy another new one third in about three months.
I can't even speak up for myself to my husband because when I try to then mother plays queen baby and throws a tantrum and she expects an apology and usually takes my husband's side.
I Just wanted something nice for myself, that's all.

you're in a miserable stoner marriage and you need to get out

 

[Banquet Meal]

I noticed before I moved that no one seems to do much anymore, I would go to bars or other places to sit down with friends and we would be the only people there under 40. I know raves are pretty popular with people my age still but that doesn't really feel like a place to meet new people.

i have met the most awesome people at raves, even at MY age, which is old af. (50)
or the club scene...that said, it helps to belong to the subculture surrounding whatever club scene you are becoming part of, i guess.
like i listen to mainly industrial/goth music, and i can mesh with others who remember growing up in the 80s/90s and the whole scene back in the day, and it makes for a great conversation starter.
you should give raves another try, for sure. some of the best times ive ever had were at shows/raves.

@

Motherf*cker tell him that if he cant get a job, he cant control shit in your house. seriously, are you the only one working??? if so, tell him to get fucked, that you will buy whatever you want, and that he needs to stop being such a worthless pothead fuckstick. im so sorry you are dealing with that ​

 

[Motherf*cker]

Why are you living like this?

I am trapped right now and the only way is walking through this mess to the end and I have done it before.

Your husband sounds outright abusive to you, albeit not physically he is at least emotionally abusive to you. Your dynamic as you describe it reminds me of my parents, and it's not a healthy dynamic. On top of you having to be the good daughter to your ailing parents, with your mother clearly either hating you or being an undiagnosed narc who also abuses you.

Yes and I only started noticing it two years ago and it's so cliché but I knew it was happening but unable to stop it and it has been a really slow car accident.
I don't currently know the answer to this but I have been having a few dialogue related break throughs, I think.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I am trapped right now and the only way is walking through this mess to the end and I have done it before.

Without actually knowing, I'm going to say I understand - bc I do understand a bad and/ or abusive person and marriage and the number it can do on your head and basic competency. So I'll just say I hope you dig in and find some inner grit. This is no way to feel/ live/ exist.

And not that it matters, but speaking of things that need to get tossed in the trash, I agree with all of the direct and indirect commentary from @Unnecessary Surgery Land in their last comment.

 

[PetiteFeet]

I am trapped right now and the only way is walking through this mess to the end and I have done it before.

Yes and I only started noticing it two years ago and it's so cliché but I knew it was happening but unable to stop it and it has been a really slow car accident.
I don't currently know the answer to this but I have been having a few dialogue related break throughs, I think.

I'm not gonna pretend I have any solution (as I am miserably alone, forever) but I hope you find a way to solve this. You deserve better. It's one thing that your mother is a harpy, your dad has a valid excuse and literally can't help himself, but your husband should be there to pick you up when you need a shoulder to lean on.
Genuinely, he sounds like a balled up wad of paper, worthy of nothing less than to be flushed.

 

[Scream Aim Fire]

Things are a bit mixed on my end, as usual. Admittedly, I'm of the "no news is good news" type of thought - I don't like to bother people unless it's legit bad - so forgive me if I'm glossing over the positive stuff a bit much. Because things have been going fairly well overall, I just have some stuff on the mind right now.

In terms of IRL stuff; it's actually going fairly well. Job's coming along just fine, health is... not perfect, but currently still decent, and it's generally been a solid time for me as of late. There has been a few issues; some driving scares for the most part, and a relative of mine has both AIDs and cancer - not sure how I feel about that, given that he was always a colossal asshole that went well out of his way to be a fucked-up sack of shit, but some of my other relatives aren't taking it well, so...

In terms of online/fiction stuff, my writing is coming along at a decent pace as of right now; plot's pretty much nailed down, characters are all ready, only real issue is that I've been having some trouble really getting the time to put everything together, though that's as much of a "me" issue than anything else. I've been leaning more into the tabletop scene a lot more as well; my main groups are delving a bit more into other RPGs as of late, so it's been a fun experiment. I have been having a metric shit-ton of issues with DND, though; been wanting to do some writing/character creation for a plot, but I can't do anything because one side's a bunch of baby-raping genderspecials that demand everything be fagged up the ass non-stop, and the other is a bunch of grognards that throw a raging bitchfit if you don't make everything their DND 1e/Warhammer fantasy setting. It's impossible to really be creative these days when both sides are equally toxic.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Deleted my reddit account. Good riddance, nothing of value was lost.
Trying to tidy up loose ends so I can put shit behind me that I don't need to worry about.
I ruined a friendship with someone who was very dear to me, but like the mentally ill retards we both are, we're just not capable of having a normal conversation or relationship in any way, shape or form. I'm too embarrassed of the general state of me, so I could never allow him to see what I look like now, and I'm too embarrassed about the general decay my ability to speak english has suffered since Covid. I feel like I have genuinely developed some kind of brain damage in the last five years, and it terrifies me to even imagine being in the close vicinity of someone who isn't blood related to me because it would mean I had to face the fact that that decay is real.

I think I want to remove myself from discord as well. The connections I've made via certain hobbies do not feel real, but mostly because I can't allow myself to have friends. Simply put, I don't feel worthy of someone elses time and emotions.
2AM spiralling, who could've guessed it. Like clockwork. I'm so predictable yet I'm incapable of stopping myself from repeating patterns, every single day.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

Deleted my reddit account. Good riddance, nothing of value was lost.
Trying to tidy up loose ends so I can put shit behind me that I don't need to worry about.
I ruined a friendship with someone who was very dear to me, but like the mentally ill retards we both are, we're just not capable of having a normal conversation or relationship in any way, shape or form. I'm too embarrassed of the general state of me, so I could never allow him to see what I look like now, and I'm too embarrassed about the general decay my ability to speak english has suffered since Covid. I feel like I have genuinely developed some kind of brain damage in the last five years, and it terrifies me to even imagine being in the close vicinity of someone who isn't blood related to me because it would mean I had to face the fact that that decay is real.

I think I want to remove myself from discord as well. The connections I've made via certain hobbies do not feel real, but mostly because I can't allow myself to have friends. Simply put, I don't feel worthy of someone elses time and emotions.
2AM spiralling, who could've guessed it. Like clockwork. I'm so predictable yet I'm incapable of stopping myself from repeating patterns, every single day.

I know you're spiralling and feeling like shit about yourself but you made a good choice!
Reddit is brain rot. It siphons joy from your life. Deleting it will be a massive net positive, but it might take some time to feel that positivity seep in. Do your best to not make a new account- it's tough!

I personally replaced my dooming/dopamine mining with duolingo (I know it's not real language learning but it's healthier than social media), kiwifarms and 3DS emulating. I really like revisiting Animal Crossing New Leaf.

You are worthy! I wish I could go in your brain and chisel out that self hatred, but best i can do is give you a stupid sparkly gif

 

[Banquet Meal]

I'm so predictable yet I'm incapable of stopping myself from repeating patterns, every single day.

im sorry you are dealing with this...oddly enough, i have similar issues...in the last 7 years, i have absolutely had some sort of mental break that has made me completely neurotic and impossible to be around, and it sucks..that said, i also have patterns, like...i will feel ok for 2-3 weeks, and then? i will get this bizarre feeling of what i call aggressive happiness...i will feel like i can do anything, and will blow tons of money on new clothes, or change my mindset on things in the most drastic ways possible...and then? its over. i just feel exhausted, and a lot of times stupid, because i will have acted like a huge asshole to people around me, and spent money i didnt have, and it gets so....SO very tiresome.
all the yammering about myself aside, you are absolutely worthy of others time and emotions. you are just as good as anyone else.

 

[Mortan Shekelstorm]

I am happy for the most part but discontented with how I don't have a friend to talk to. A continuation of status quo but nonetheless less than ideal. I hope my new career will lead to friendships, plural or not. All things considered not the worst thing to be a problem, just tiresome after some years I find. I think my new years resolution will be same as last, make a friend.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Spoiler: Sappy bullshit

Its XX years ago. I hold you for the first time and introduce myself. I tell you I am your big brother and I'm going to take care of you.

Its XX years ago. You are crying and ask me to take you with me as I move away. I tell you I can't, but if you ever need me you call me and I will come home.

Its XX years ago. Mom calls and tells me you're in the ICU. She doesn't tell me why until I catch a flight and show up there. Your body is riddled with track marks. You wake up and tell me you're sorry. I tell you I love you and I'm here for you.

Its X years ago. I'm standing in the repulsive pit you're currently nesting in. Its disgusting even by your standards. I tell you I can't keep bailing you out. I tell you not to make me choose between my wife and kids or you, because you can't win. You look me in the eyes and tell me you hate me.

Its X years ago. I'm listening to the doctor explain the extent of the damage this overdose did to your brain. I hear him tell me you seem to no longer be capable of telling the difference between what you imagine and what is actually happening. I nod and thank him. I come talk to you, and you tell me Donald Trump installed a brain chip into your skull and wants you to plant a bomb. I tell you I believe you.

Its XX months ago. I've been grey rocking you, so you show up at a place you know you're not welcome. I watch you foam at the mouth as you scream just to make noise as the police force you into the car. I meet your eyes, and there is nothing behind yours. This is the last time I see you. It is burned into my mind. I know what comes next and the relief I know I will feel makes me feel guilty.

Its X months ago, my fingers dig into your urn. I spread you in the river. No matter how many times I wipe my hands, I can't get you off. You're in the cracks and lines. I let it be for the moment. Middle brother says something I pretend not to hear. I tell you you could have been anything and you chose to be this. What a fucking waste.

Its today, and in my mind I can see the baby with messy hair and blue eyes and I wonder what I could have done differently to change the outcome. You would have been XX.

Broad shoulders and a strong back. But the burdens are heavier today. Tomorrow will be better.
Tell your people you love them, because it is an ugly world out there.

 

[The Feline Solution 2]

I am disappointed and husband showed me how little he wanted to understand why I was disappointed and then summed up back to me the most selfish fucked up version of what I was saying so that it could be easily dismissed and I am just selfish for wanting.
He controls the money, and I barely have money for the month but on a holiday/birthday month he asks me why didn't save money but has enough to buy himself a gift when I cannot. I have asked him to find work and he will not, during the summer he promised and got me all excited because he said that he was going to do the taxes and with the return that I could maybe get myself a few things and when I bring it up he tells me how selfish I am and then uses it as an excuse for extending the time even longer. He buys nice shatter and promises me that it's the cheapest way of smoking weed but his vaporizer keeps breaking and we're going to have to buy another new one third in about three months.
I can't even speak up for myself to my husband because when I try to then mother plays queen baby and throws a tantrum and she expects an apology and usually takes my husband's side.
I Just wanted something nice for myself, that's all.

Others already said as much but really, that does not sound like a good relationship to be in. Like, at all.

Edit: Read your other comment. Sorry that you have to deal with this shit. Sometimes i really think the concept of basic human decency is truly dead and buried in the present day.

 

[long waters]

He controls the money, and I barely have money for the month but on a holiday/birthday month he asks me why didn't save money but has enough to buy himself a gift when I cannot. I have asked him to find work and he will not

Why is he controlling the money if he doesn't have any income?! As others have said, your situation sounds terrible, loneliness doesn't seem so bad when considering things like this can be...
This really reinforces my disdain for stoners.

The connections I've made via certain hobbies do not feel real, but mostly because I can't allow myself to have friends. Simply put, I don't feel worthy of someone elses time and emotions.

That's really not a good way to feel about yourself. Everyone deserves friends, surely.


I forgot if I mentioned this before, but for a while I've been attending some weekly activity club type thing. I don't want to get into specifics, but I think it's having a good impact on me, it's nice to be around other people into something you're into, and realizing that even if you think you're the weird awkward one, there are actually others who are weird and awkward out there but it's fine. Would definitely recommend any fellow lonely autists to try to find some kind of activity you can engage in irl with other people.
Although the problem remains that when I get home, the feeling of loneliness and isolation returns, but it's a long term struggle. No point worrying about it too hard.

 

[Negev]

Going to the coffee hour/post liturgy helped, and my church is starting men's and women's groups. So there may be a place if you are religious. Secularwise, I haven't a clue. Outside of church, I just socialize at work and on here.

Yeah I need to go to the church in my area but I was just exhausted with the move and getting furniture and everything set up for the new place since I didn't really take much with me. I forgot how fucking expensive couches are. I'm Eastern Orthodox so the people are usually pretty cool to be around so I think it will be nice to go and talk to some people.

i have met the most awesome people at raves, even at MY age, which is old af. (50)
or the club scene...that said, it helps to belong to the subculture surrounding whatever club scene you are becoming part of, i guess.
like i listen to mainly industrial/goth music, and i can mesh with others who remember growing up in the 80s/90s and the whole scene back in the day, and it makes for a great conversation starter.
you should give raves another try, for sure. some of the best times ive ever had were at shows/raves.

@

Motherf*cker tell him that if he cant get a job, he cant control shit in your house. seriously, are you the only one working??? if so, tell him to get fucked, that you will buy whatever you want, and that he needs to stop being such a worthless pothead fuckstick. im so sorry you are dealing with that ​

Well I could always try, I am a bit awkward going to places like that solo, but it's not like I have much else to do here. Really the biggest thing I hate about these kind of scenes is the drug use but if there are some less degenerate freak people that would be neat.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Heavy night.

 

[Banquet Meal]

if there are some less degenerate freak people that would be neat.

well, not so sure about that. that is honestly the best part of the scene, it is made up of socially awkward people who have a hard time making friends!! i bet you would do great though, you should give it another try

 

[DenseDeerFather]

My psychiatrist gave me an unofficial CPTSD diagnosis after I mentioned a desire to try DBT. Oh lovely.

It's technically vaporware, so it's not going on the bucket list, so there's that.

Also got lots of booze for tomorrow. Hurray.

 

[Motherf*cker]

you're in a miserable stoner marriage and you need to get out

Ha true.

Without actually knowing, I'm going to say I understand - bc I do understand a bad and/ or abusive person and marriage and the number it can do on your head and basic competency. So I'll just say I hope you dig in and find some inner grit. This is no way to feel/ live/ exist.

And not that it matters, but speaking of things that need to get tossed in the trash, I agree with all of the direct and indirect commentary from @Unnecessary Surgery Land in their last comment.

I feel conflicted saying this, because everything is telling me not to but inner grit is my jam man. My inner grit has gotten me out of tough situations before

I'm not gonna pretend I have any solution (as I am miserably alone, forever) but I hope you find a way to solve this. You deserve better. It's one thing that your mother is a harpy, your dad has a valid excuse and literally can't help himself, but your husband should be there to pick you up when you need a shoulder to lean on.
Genuinely, he sounds like a balled up wad of paper, worthy of nothing less than to be flushed.

Mom is a harpy.

I am determined and I have already made my move and landed a job interview for today to ignite Husband who is competitive and hates to see the dynamics change. In the last year I have been learning a second language and I am getting fluent so even if I don't land this job I could qualify for a few different things.

I told Mom and her answer was "oh" like I told her about today's bowel movement

Fuck them all.

 

[PetiteFeet]

I appreciate this entire thread and everyone who replies, or simply reads and observes.
It's a bit in advance, but I wish you all a happy new year and I hope 2026 treats you all with kindness and grace. From one internet stranger to another, a genuine thank you (and a merry fucking nigger because I can)