How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Muskie said:
I've slowly been coming to terms with how my unfounded fears of social rejection have effected my thinking for as long as I can remember. I've always been a neurotic worrywart but it wasn't until recently that I realized the worry was always about how I was recived by others. These worries then manifest themselves in paranoia. I've left a couple of my friends's party's early because I thought that everyone secretly hated me and they were all just pretending to be nice to me because they felt obligated too. It's the same at work, I think everyone believes I'm a fraud and are just avoiding confrontation. In both cases I am able to understand that both of these thoughts are ridiculous (in the case of work I recently just received a raise) but in the moment I can't help but feel terrified. I have never discussed this with any of my friends or family because I don’t want to worry them or think less of me. I don’t know what to do, I thought moving away from my parents would help but it hasn't. At this point I'm starting to think its just baked into who I am so there's no use into trying to "fix" it. I hate not being able to enjoy myself around others.
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Don't think there's no way to fix it until you give it a really good, long, hard try. Ideally, though not necessarily, with the help of a professional. They can help you bridge the gap between objective reality and your worried fears.
 
Thankfully they finally called to schedule my first radiation therapy treatment for tomorrow. Woke up today and immediately had to go hug the toilet for over 5 minutes, followed by the room rapidly spinning to where I was laying on the bathroom floor with my eyes closed, waiting for it to stop. To top it all off, I've had a massive headache all day that I can't seem to get rid of. Ended up sleeping most of the day, which I hate doing. I really need this to work, I need a little more time to see my family and friends. Praying I at least get until April, I need to see my best friend in person, just one more time. At the very least, I can't go right now. Ruining Christmas for my family forever would be extremely gay.
 
WASR96 said:
Thankfully they finally called to schedule my first radiation therapy treatment for tomorrow. Woke up today and immediately had to go hug the toilet for over 5 minutes, followed by the room rapidly spinning to where I was laying on the bathroom floor with my eyes closed, waiting for it to stop. To top it all off, I've had a massive headache all day that I can't seem to get rid of. Ended up sleeping most of the day, which I hate doing. I really need this to work, I need a little more time to see my family and friends. Praying I at least get until April, I need to see my best friend in person, just one more time. At the very least, I can't go right now. Ruining Christmas for my family forever would be extremely gay.
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Praying for you. Do what you need to do.
 
WASR96 said:
Thankfully they finally called to schedule my first radiation therapy treatment for tomorrow. Woke up today and immediately had to go hug the toilet for over 5 minutes, followed by the room rapidly spinning to where I was laying on the bathroom floor with my eyes closed, waiting for it to stop. To top it all off, I've had a massive headache all day that I can't seem to get rid of. Ended up sleeping most of the day, which I hate doing. I really need this to work, I need a little more time to see my family and friends. Praying I at least get until April, I need to see my best friend in person, just one more time. At the very least, I can't go right now. Ruining Christmas for my family forever would be extremely gay.
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Goddamn.
I hope that you get to see your buddy and that future treatments are kinder on you. Take care fren.
 
To quote Stu Pickles, I feel like I've lost control of my life... On the other hand, I DO have a vacation coming up in another week and a half. Then I can hopefully regain whatever sanity I lost.
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
Don't think there's no way to fix it until you give it a really good, long, hard try. Ideally, though not necessarily, with the help of a professional. They can help you bridge the gap between objective reality and your worried fears.
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Thank you for the words of encouragement, I will press on. I've started going to church recently, hopefully I can work on some of the social fears there. I also need to remember to remind myself not to exclude myself from things because of my delusions. I find it hard to think of what progress even looks like though.

Regardless,

Snow is falling
Ice is coming in
The Northern Pike will always be there for me
 
Trying to get a consistent habit of just drawing everyday. Haven't been able to make much progress other than really stupid ass doodles that makes no sense since work was overloading me. Dunno what it is but suddenly I had this urge to "make something" constantly. Like I've been noticing myslef playing less video games and have started venturing towards creating something. Maybe it's guilt or something I don't know, but I really really want to draw some cool shit despite not having the skills to do so.

I promised myself I want to make my own comic one day. And hopefully make some video games while I'm at it too.
Probably shouldn't be thinking that, I might just overwhelm myself and end up quitting if I'm not making any progress.
 
Muskie said:
I've started going to church recently, hopefully I can work on some of the social fears there.
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That might be a good idea. Even if you were right about being the most intolerable and odious creature ever to walk this earth, proximity to whom is the greatest torture known to man, Jesus still loves you. Really. It's actually a miracle. I'm not even joking, and if you say He doesn't, you are a fucking blasphemer and a heretic.

I don't know if it will be comforting to hear this, but actually you are not right, the above only assumed it for the sake of argument. Actually you are mentally ill, and you are not correctly evaluating others' perception of you. You are certainly many times more conscious of yourself than others are of you. You sound kind of self-absorbed. I prescribe ego death.
 
Years almost over, no decent short term goals done, long term goals all pretty much deader than dead. weather never got good for painting the fucking model save for one day in November when i was doing something else and now it's gonna just be too cold and wet for the next 5 months. Fun.

Spent most of today slightly nodding off while also restless, seems to be the usual lately. I mean i was doing the things I was trying to do and I didn't get any of them done but I interpsersed constant mistakes eating time with laughing over the peanut fucker so it's not all depressing.
 
Got a good rest during the weekend. So well in fact that I stopped thinking about quitting my job without any plan ahead. At the end of Monday I get a call from my coworker informing me that another coworker snitched on me for being about 10 minutes late, even though we still finished all the planned tasks faster than usual. I think, it is Universe's way of telling me to GTFO.
 
Woke up to a massive panic attack, fucking love it. Thank God for all of my cats, its like they can tell. They all gathered around me and laid up against my body and warmed me and calmed me.
 
Basement Dwelling Dork said:
Dunno what it is but suddenly I had this urge to "make something" constantly. Like I've been noticing myslef playing less video games and have started venturing towards creating something. Maybe it's guilt or something I don't know, but I really really want to draw some cool shit despite not having the skills to do so.
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I have felt that way as I have been getting older... I'm not artistic in any way, but I do enjoy making things irl sometimes, or programming stuff as a hobby. I guess it's just some kind of inner desire to make something that you can share with others in some way.
 
Mostly got a handle on my general malaise but on days when it acts up I just fucking hate it. Had a really productive day of work yesterday and was looking forward to just coasting on easy work today but I guess my body had other plans. Thankfully I'm not needed today beyond busy work that will wait till tomorrow but I just hate how my body gets during the winter. I never end up being able to take days off I want because I'm always using them on days my body just can't function. Bah just hope my good work yesterday makes them overlook this.
 
Visited the old office in between meetings. It's dead quiet, nobody talks, half the staff is gone and yet the remainder all gladly talk to me and are happy about me visiting. My normal office climate? They'd almost rather I don't partake cause apparently I can do no right.

"Well, I could just apply for a job in the old office". It'd be difficult to find time to skip work to go there, and if I didn't get the job it'd be awkward for everyone involved. Yet, they know we relocated offices so it'd be expected I'd quit to find something closer to home, but whether that's even possible? Nobody gets jobs these days.

I should just dig in my claws and try to stay mentally well. Maybe something big'll change or my dogshit superior will get more away tasks or what have you. It's only been 3-4 months.
 
Muskie said:
social fears
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You mention feeling like everyone’s thinking you’re awful.
If it’s any help…most people don’t think about others much at all. Most people are incredibly self absorbed and the rarely even stop to consider what other people are feeling or thinking or even doing, as long as it doesn’t negatively impact them. So you’re worrying that people are thinking you’re whatever and 99.9% of them aren’t even considering your existence at all. When they do, it’ll be how it affects them. So dont worry about it. Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.

as for the imposter syndrome, I get that and I’ve no real advice for it. But for the rest, most people are just wanting to do their thing, others barely register on their radar unless they want something from them
 
Muskie said:
I've slowly been coming to terms with how my unfounded fears of social rejection have effected my thinking for as long as I can remember. I've always been a neurotic worrywart but it wasn't until recently that I realized the worry was always about how I was recived by others. These worries then manifest themselves in paranoia. I've left a couple of my friends's party's early because I thought that everyone secretly hated me and they were all just pretending to be nice to me because they felt obligated too. It's the same at work, I think everyone believes I'm a fraud and are just avoiding confrontation. In both cases I am able to understand that both of these thoughts are ridiculous (in the case of work I recently just received a raise) but in the moment I can't help but feel terrified. I have never discussed this with any of my friends or family because I don’t want to worry them or think less of me. I don’t know what to do, I thought moving away from my parents would help but it hasn't. At this point I'm starting to think its just baked into who I am so there's no use into trying to "fix" it. I hate not being able to enjoy myself around others.
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I don't like diagnosing others but have you tried looking into Avoidant Personality Disorder? Your worries and paranoia regarding your friends remind me a lot of myself.
In any case, I would seek out therapy. It's not a surefire solution for everyone, but a good therapist helps reframing your issues and should help you challenge those issues before they grow stronger.
 
I still don't really have any friends or people I talk to outside of Sunday at Church. I do socialize more helping run a Bible Study, I guess I would like to talk to people more than once or twice a week. The Bible Study is fun, quite laid back even as the scribe of the group, a welcome change to not only be talking with people 25 years or more my senior. I'm pretty used to the state of affairs been like this for a number of years. I'm pretty good at gaining a positive reputation or opinion among my peers but I very much am not good at making anything of it, like a friendship or something outside of Church or a wider structure school, work etc.
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