How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Aside from being single I'm crushing it. Managed to look awesome at work on a couple of different occasions just being in the right place at the right time. Have the apartment set up exactly how I want, bought everything I want for the next few years - now making great progress on the mortgage. Have plenty of things lined up over the holidays with family and friends.

If could get a date with a pale, racist, metal-head girl, everything would be perfect.
 
p0e said:
I really hate how the holidays are so hard for me mentally, literally anything can send me into a fit of anger or just straight up crying for no reason, does this shit ever get any better? it's this time of year where I really wish I kept my mouth shut about everything that happened to me but I doubt that would've helped. I'm starting to hate the holidays honestly.
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I can't promise it gets better. I can promise that it gets easier to deal with, especially if you find your actual family, which might not be the one you were born into.
 
p0e said:
I really hope so, 4 years of this and it hasn't gotten better.
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Is ditching the regular holiday plans an option? Seriously, consider going somewhere with the family members you actually like to take a break from the craziness at least once. I spent last Thanksgiving on a beach in Florida with my brothers. We ate some seafood, had some drinks and just listened to the waves hitting the shore. Most relaxing Thanksgiving I've ever had. Probably too late this year since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, but look into planning out something fun next year.
 
WASR96 said:
Is ditching the regular holiday plans an option? Seriously, consider going somewhere with the family members you actually like to take a break from the craziness at least once. I spent last Thanksgiving on a beach in Florida with my brothers. We ate some seafood, had some drinks and just listened to the waves hitting the shore. Most relaxing Thanksgiving I've ever had. Probably too late this year since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, but look into planning out something fun next year.
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I mean I live with people that I consider my adopted family but I still feel like I'm intruding even though no one has ever made me feel that way or said I have been
 
WASR96 said:
Is ditching the regular holiday plans an option? Seriously, consider going somewhere with the family members you actually like to take a break from the craziness at least once. I spent last Thanksgiving on a beach in Florida with my brothers. We ate some seafood, had some drinks and just listened to the waves hitting the shore. Most relaxing Thanksgiving I've ever had. Probably too late this year since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, but look into planning out something fun next year.
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Surf fishing is highly therapeutic. 🙂
 
p0e said:
I mean I live with people that I consider my adopted family but I still feel like I'm intruding even though no one has ever made me feel that way or said I have been
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You feeling that way without them saying anything robs them of their agency.
Trust that they are adults and will say when enough is enough. Trust that they will offer you that same respect.
 
It's always depressing visiting family for the holidays, as that family continuously shrinks. Get home this time and find out the last dog is dead. So we're down to me, my brother, my mom, 1 chicken and some roaming cats. Need to drive with mom to the vacation house to check on it and take pictures for some tree work that needs doing and I got sick as soon as I arrived. So will have to do that after thanksgiving and delay my trip home by a day. Sometimes I try and take an extra day driving home but this time it will be just drive straight through and go see my house again.
 
p0e said:
I mean I live with people that I consider my adopted family but I still feel like I'm intruding even though no one has ever made me feel that way or said I have been
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Just lean into it then. I very much get feeling like you're imposing or otherwise being a burden, but at some point, if you have people letting you into their lives for an extended period, just accept that just maybe they want you around. 🙂
 
p0e said:
I mean I live with people that I consider my adopted family but I still feel like I'm intruding even though no one has ever made me feel that way or said I have been
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If they're having you over every year, then you're most likely pleasant to spend time with and they enjoy having you :) I know it's easier said than done when our minds get wrapped around those thoughts, but just enjoy your time with them and just let them know you appreciate them having you. Life's too short, enjoy each others company, eat some good food, and relax from the stressors of life for the day.
 
DavidS877 said:
It's always depressing visiting family for the holidays, as that family continuously shrinks. Get home this time and find out the last dog is dead. So we're down to me, my brother, my mom, 1 chicken and some roaming cats. Need to drive with mom to the vacation house to check on it and take pictures for some tree work that needs doing and I got sick as soon as I arrived. So will have to do that after thanksgiving and delay my trip home by a day. Sometimes I try and take an extra day driving home but this time it will be just drive straight through and go see my house again.
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Life uh....finds a way.
Our youngest brother hasn't been there in years, but this is the first year he's dead for the holidays.
The unit shrinks, expands, shrinks again. For mom, brother and I, it'll be a somber few months, and his birthday was in the first week of January.
He made his choices, lived his life as his illness allowed him to, but he still leaves a retard shaped hole in the ones left behind.
We'll tell the good parts while the kids are young, and when they're older and if they ask, they can hear the whole story.
Mom lives a few hours out from my brother and I, out in the country. It'll be a quiet drive this year, I think. That's good, too. I encourage her to come to the city more often to see all her grandkids, but you know how old folks are.
Lots of death talk in the thread and in general lately.
I have a story about death. Many hundreds of years ago, my minor was in Thanatology. The study of death. One of my classes that I remember fondly, The Good Death, was run by this old battleaxe of a nurse who was ancient when the first creatures crawled out of the oceans. She'd seen some shit and her face and frame showed it, and her voice made Janis Joplin sound angelic. Day one, she says, 'I've been doing hospice for decades, and I'm here to tell you, as a woman that believes there's a God above us, I've seen it all. They scream, they cry, they beg, they barter, they laugh, they love, they accept it. When their lights go out, they all look the same, and not one of them has ever come back to tell us what's next. This class? The Good Death? Stupid name. I didn't pick it because there's no such thing. It's death. You're dead. People who talk about having a good death? They're playing for a hail mary at the last second of their life. They're playing to lose and I don't want losers on my team. You want to know what a good death means? It means living a good life. Why? Because you're dead. You don't care. The people who you leave behind are the ones who care. So live a life that makes them happy to talk about you and remember you. You put that in your final test and you'll pass this class.'

Hell of woman.
 
Hitting 19 days sober meaning no:
Alcohol
7-hydroxymitrogynine
Nitrous
Weed
Shrooms

Therapist (unrelated to the sobriety) wanted to talk about my past/childhood which ive honestly black boxed for the last 8 years of therapy. The conversation will happen eventually but part of me wants alcohol and nitrous on hand before, after and possibly during. The current answer to that internal argument is, “if I’m blacked out (due to drugs and stress) while talking about this it essentially accomplishes nothing and would require a repeat due to not remembering”

But I’m mostly alright. I generally fell back into substance use on a weekly basis; usually losing any will for sobriety and missing my “normal” so to speak. So this stretch is kind of new territory.

Hope all Kiwis have an enjoyable Thursday.
 
WASR96 said:
Damn, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Have the doctors started to narrow down what it could be at least? I have a nice little scar on my forehead and the bridge of my nose from my blackout, guess I caught the corner of my wall on the way down. If you need anyone to talk to and vent about this stuff too, my DMs are open. I wish you the very best in figuring this out and fighting it, and I'll be praying for your recovery.
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*salutes*
I appreciate the sentiment. Cleaned up the blood everywhere. Was absolutely surprised there was very little pain from the wounds, but the place looked like I got into a tense fight with an ex girlfriend over who gets the last slice of meatloaf.
Doctors will NOT tell me, after over six years what is causing the problem. To my face in front of witnesses they won't say anything.So... it's something bad, but I keep bouncing back. This is the first time the coughing part got my blood pressure or whatever so high that I can black out on the regular now. That's worrisome.
Looks like the smallest wounds will heal just fine, however when I hit my forehead on the frame of the chair it left a mark but it's not deep so it'll be all right. Had a nasty knot for a while but one refreezeable ice pack from amazon took care of that. The nose... no permanent damage outside, and the damnedest thing with the massive blood loss my blood pressure dropped... of course.
If the main sinus thing would be gone, it would just be another day in the dungeon.
Sleep's a bitch because of the sinuses themselves, but not the injuries.
Thanks though for everyone's sentiment. God bless ya all, unless you steal my shiggen nuggies.
Sorry about your scar. Haven't been keeping up. What caused you to black out?
Happy Merry Goofy Thanksgiving everyone.
 
I have had a succession of windfalls. Every one, frankly, has made me unhappier and less stable.

I was happy with my life situation and committed to "the grind." All my goals kinda got thrown out the window. I realize with the clarity of hindsight that "I don't have the money" was kinda my nifty excuse. Now I have the money and still can't or won't do xyz.

I don't feel like anybody in my life understands. Nobody can think past "I'd be overjoyed if I got some money." I think everybody would call me ungrateful, and this thought alone only makes me feel shittier.

It was crushing to realize that I couldn't really think of any way to spend money to improve my health. Anything feasible, I'm already working on. My first thought when the money was in my hands was "What problems in my life can I solve right now?" And apparently the answer is none of them.

Obviously yes I put a ton into savings. I'm frankly sick of people giving me Savings 101 talks, especially when they have no savings. I maxed out my Roth IRA, I get my employer 401k match, I have gambagambafuntime with about 0.5% of my net worth in an investment account, I have a good HYSA, I have fucking silver coins locked up in my house. If somebody with 5k in consumer credit card debt tells me with all the attitude of a school teacher that I need to have a 1,000 dollar emergency fund and start snowballing my debts (no debt beside my fed student loans...) I get offended. Any time I try to express to people my current emotional crisis, they start giving me that Saving 101 talk. That's not at all what I'm talking about when I say "I don't know what to do with myself." And YES I've got the tax situation covered....

I chose to go back to college and cut my hours, but I realize now that I rely on my work a lot for my identity/self worth. So not only am I distancing myself from the job that gives me self-worth, I'm a total newbie (and now older than most people in college) and I have no idea if I'm going to be successful, if I'll be able to get a better job after college, etc. I'm trailer trash, so my coworkers even negged on me for going back to school, crabs in a bucket style.

The secrecy is killing me. There's no way I can tell my trailer trash family, because they'll hound me until I die for money. But instead they've made all sorts of snide comments that I'm living beyond my means. I went on vacation and renovated my house. No regrets. But my family is always there to shit on me for having or doing anything nice, and when they say "You know if you don't pay off the store card fast enough, the interest is really bad" I find myself lost for words. Having thousands in consumer debt is totally normalized and they assume that's what I'm doing. With all my recent life changes, I'm constantly worried that I'm going to be questioned and I won't be able to give good answers as to where the money came from.

People told me, then, lie: tell them some lie to explain the money. But if I struggle with a secret, I certainly can't keep up a lie.

I'm going to be around all these people for thanksgiving and I think I might explode.

My motivation in my side jobs disappeared overnight. My goals all evaporated. My sense of worth from my job is diminished, especially now as I'm in college to switch fields. I felt crushed by my inability to improve my paralysis. I'd been doing well for months now, and somehow getting tens of thousands has made me suicidal again.

But I feel like nobody understands and would just shit on me for even saying that, because again "I'd be happy with a bunch of money!"

I hope someday I can be more compassionate to somebody because of my own experience. I feel like I've learned a lot lately. I also thought "I'd be happy with a bunch of money!" It just isn't so.
 
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