How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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PetiteFeet said:
Trying really hard to make it a habit to take at least one 1 hour walk every day consistently with my dog. 2 days in a row so far. So much for small victories. Baby steps etc.
Banning myself from social media in general has been good for me but I cannot deny that my loneliness has amplified. Still, it means less doom scrolling and less getting angry at people for zero good reason.
Oh well. Here's to tomorrow and keeping my streak going. Hope your Thursday treated you well.

Honestly, I feel like I'm two steps away from coming to that conclusion for myself. I'm approaching the 20th anniversary since I first entered the psychiatric system and while I've made strides, leaps even, in the last 2½ year compared to the remaining 17½ years, I'm still depressed and it's quite demoralising to think about in that perspective. I'm happy with my therapist but sometimes it feels like a FlexTape ad, except I haven't found my FlexTape fix yet.
I'm not suicidally ideating right now but man, shit sucks.
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Studies are finding that unless you are the crème de la crème of attractive social media queen/king like Pokimane, PewDiePie, etc. or have a built in sycophant audience like Musk, Trump, etc.
Social media is a massive anchor on your self esteem/worth, think beauty magazines but injected directly into your psyche kind of damage because there is just so much of it and it is hyper pervasive. Additionally, doomscrolling harms your brain in ways we are only now starting to notice. If you need motivation or reminders to go out and get your steps in, buy yourself one of those cheapo knockoff fitbit watches that obnoxiously tell you to get off your arse, your puppers will thank you for it, and anyone that loves dogs and takes care of them gets a pass in my books.

I don't agree with a lot of what the Nool says about depression, but he is right about specific parts: a lot of it is choice based.
Have you been given that God awful book Mind over Mood? The DBT book? The mindfulness one? They aren't Gospel, imo, but they are definitely useful tools in certain scenarios, and you can never have too many tools in your toolbox.
Or, as one of my clients once told me: every problem I'm having needs a different weapon to kill it, so give me as many weapons as you can legally give me.
I can work with that.
 
I suspect I will go absolutely insane within a few months. It seems to happen in my family within my age period. Otherwise we live until our late 70s or 80s, despite absolutely horrible habits.
 
AnOminous said:
I suspect I will go absolutely insane within a few months. It seems to happen in my family within my age period. Otherwise we live until our late 70s or 80s, despite absolutely horrible habits.
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I've always been fascinated by this specific topic, before we had a name for it, families just called it 'the family curse'. Not to make light of your situation or anything.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
I've always been fascinated by this specific topic, before we had a name for it, families just called it 'the family curse'. Not to make light of your situation or anything.
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Feel free to make light of my situation. Anyway if that paranoid suspicion of mine reaches fruition, you will get to have front seats amused by it. I have always wondered whether I would go into the full late-onset schizophrenia that comes in my family, or whether I would go into the other option my family seems to have of just being low-key crazy and drunk but living 80+ years anyway.

Even our schizos have been highly intelligent and accomplished things. My favorite just died at 91. I miss you so much.
 
AnOminous said:
Feel free to make light of my situation. Anyway if that paranoid suspicion of mine reaches fruition, you will get to have front seats amused by it. I have always wondered whether I would go into the full late-onset schizophrenia that comes in my family, or whether I would go into the other option my family seems to have of just being low-key crazy and drunk but living 80+ years anyway.

Even our schizos have been highly intelligent and accomplished things. My favorite just died at 91. I miss you so much.
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Naw. I respect you enough to not do that. But if this last 11 years was you holding back? I shall enjoy the bonfire from a safe distance.
 
AnOminous said:
being low-key crazy and drunk but living 80+ years anyway.
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My Dad's side of the family is like this. My Grandpa would remove his oxygen mask to take a puff off his Camels, had a case of beer next to his lawn chair, and only wore shirts with pockets so he could carry his flask of bourbon in it. Still had a full head of hair also when he passed away at 92. I was hoping I'd have their genes, but even with how shitty my Mom's side of the family is with medical history, none of them had cancer so I'm not counting on making it even close to 90.
 
AnOminous said:
Feel free to make light of my situation. Anyway if that paranoid suspicion of mine reaches fruition, you will get to have front seats amused by it. I have always wondered whether I would go into the full late-onset schizophrenia that comes in my family, or whether I would go into the other option my family seems to have of just being low-key crazy and drunk but living 80+ years anyway.

Even our schizos have been highly intelligent and accomplished things. My favorite just died at 91. I miss you so much.
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There is a large chance that I will go all Everywhere at the End of Time in my 60s, so I feel yo on that one.
 
I understand why people kill themselves or stay drunk/high all the time to get through the day. No, I'm not going to do anything, I'm just saying I understand why people do these things.
 
CoolFool said:
I understand why people kill themselves or stay drunk/high all the time to get through the day. No, I'm not going to do anything, I'm just saying I understand why people do these things.
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With the drinking. To me I found it extra depressing. Thats why I hate drinking. They pretty much want to speed run to cancer, be forever alone and die. They got what they fucking deserve.
 
CoolFool said:
I understand why people kill themselves or stay drunk/high all the time to get through the day. No, I'm not going to do anything, I'm just saying I understand why people do these things.
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Are you sure about that? That is literally ROCK-BOTTOM, where you feel there is nothing else you and do; maybe it's because some sort of silver lining always winds up coming to me, no matter what happens, I can't fully understand what it's like to just give up entirely.

That's a bold claim to understand it and yet not also feel the same way.
 
CoolFool said:
I understand why people kill themselves or stay drunk/high all the time to get through the day. No, I'm not going to do anything, I'm just saying I understand why people do these things.
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I feel ya. I often wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again, or just completely obliterate my mind into non-existence. But alas, that's no fun, all I can do is struggle, cope and seethe.

Went for another ~2h walk today. I'm not sure it's doing anything for me tbh, but I suppose it's a good way to burn calories.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
Have you been given that God awful book Mind over Mood? The DBT book? The mindfulness one? They aren't Gospel, imo, but they are definitely useful tools in certain scenarios, and you can never have too many tools in your toolbox.
Or, as one of my clients once told me: every problem I'm having needs a different weapon to kill it, so give me as many weapons as you can legally give me.
I can work with that.
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I have not been given any books so I will check all of these out. I agree with your client and I'm definitely always looking for new weapons.
I did actually buy a fitness watch and I'm trying to track my walks with my dog to keep up a kind of competition with myself, and it works when I'm riding on a good wave. November-December is not usually a good wave, but I genuinely want to change and lead a life worth living, so my tard wranglers and I are working on finding new (or old) ways for me to help me help myself.

2 hour-ish walk to the local forest/dog park and I'm not sure my 10 year old dog is appreciative of me taking her out in weather that feels like -5 c but she sure as shit knows where all of the exits to the dog park are and she actively seeks them out when she's off leash. Maybe it's time to get her a blanket for the chillier days.
 
AnOminous said:
I have always wondered whether I would go into the full late-onset schizophrenia that comes in my family, or whether I would go into the other option my family seems to have of just being low-key crazy and drunk but living 80+ years anyway
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You’ve had a bad time recently. Give yourself some grace.
There’s a lot of alcoholism and madness and general killing of the self in my lot too. I do wonder if this age is the worst trigger? They do say your late forties and fifties are the worst bit of life, and things often happen then (bereavement , stress, hormonal changes) that can trigger episodes in those susceptible. However, think of it like this; if your ancestors were 100% your destiny then everyone would be like that. There have to be some who escape.
long waters said:
feel ya. I often wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again, or just completely obliterate my mind into non-existence.
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Yeah I get it. Not today, is what I think.
PetiteFeet said:
I did actually buy a fitness watch and I'm trying to track my walks with my dog to keep up a kind of competition with myself
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Being outside walking a dog is a very good thing. Keep doing it.
 
Well, I saw my doc today. Wanted to thank all of y'all who have been pulling for me. Doc said the disease is now uncurable. The spots on my brain are resistant to platinum based chemotherapy which is why it's continued to grow. They're going to keep doing radiation therapy to slow the spots from progressing and taking away my motor functions, but doc says I have a 5% chance of long term survival (long term being 2+ years.) He said I realistically have a few months. Going to put in my two weeks on Monday so I can make a few trips to see friends and family. Already set up my will and life insurance payouts earlier this year just in case it came to this. He recommended I tell my family sooner rather than later, but I cannot even begin to figure out how to tell them I don't have a lot of time left.
 
WASR96 said:
Well, I saw my doc today. Wanted to thank all of y'all who have been pulling for me. Doc said the disease is now uncurable. The spots on my brain are resistant to platinum based chemotherapy which is why it's continued to grow. They're going to keep doing radiation therapy to slow the spots from progressing and taking away my motor functions, but doc says I have a 5% chance of long term survival (long term being 2+ years.) He said I realistically have a few months. Going to put in my two weeks on Monday so I can make a few trips to see friends and family. Already set up my will and life insurance payouts earlier this year just in case it came to this. He recommended I tell my family sooner rather than later, but I cannot even begin to figure out how to tell them I don't have a lot of time left.
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I'm so sorry for this news, you and your loved ones will be in my prayers.

You're allowed to be angry about this. You don't have to "be strong" and all that. Whatever feelings you have during this time, let yourself have them.
 
Well... So far today...
I overslept (intentionally).
I ate a cookie and drank hot chocolate and played animal crossing.
I went back to sleep for 3 hours.
I ate some cereal for lunch.
I got on my computer.
.................Feels like a filler day. Like I ruined and wasted it, disappointing myself and those who expect better of me. Every day is the same. My worth is based on my productivity. I am so so so sleepy all of the time...
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My life is crap, I'm sick of it.

I want every non-white person deported from my immediate vicinity.

I want my high trust society back.
 
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