How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[WhoBusTank69]

I'm dealing with someone who is very much set in their ways and determined to live what they must see as a double life, peace at home and debauchery when nobody else is around, fueled by their tugboat that's been going for decades. Whenever I confront them they believe I'm just part of their dramatic stageplay and I unwittingly fire up their "woe is me, I have suffered so much and everyone has pushed me down this path also you're wrong" rant, but in less eloquent terms if they don't just make a lot of noise. They know what they're doing, telling them I know isn't going to change it, they're retardedly set in their way and dragging others down with them.

I'm just going to cut myself off from immediate family the first chance I get, move on and keep my sanity.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

I called a friend and I at least feel clear of mind, not completely fine but fine enough to not do something stupid. She suggested I call in sick to school tomorrow, but I don’t think I should.

I think I’ll just call it an early night and hope tomorrows a better day. At the very least I feel too stressed and ill to even want to look at KF tonight so I’ll be logging out for now.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

I'm dealing with someone who is very much set in their ways and determined to live what they must see as a double life, peace at home and debauchery when nobody else is around, fueled by their tugboat that's been going for decades. Whenever I confront them they believe I'm just part of their dramatic stageplay and I unwittingly fire up their "woe is me, I have suffered so much and everyone has pushed me down this path also you're wrong" rant, in less eloquent terms. They know what they're doing, telling them I know isn't going to change it, they're retardedly set in their way and dragging others down with them.

I'm just going to cut myself off from immediate family the first chance I get, move on and keep my sanity.

Honestly? Hard choice to make, but in scenarios like this, best long term solution. Just do it in a way that leaves the door open in X amount of time.
Dealing with a addict, schizophrenic, retard, whatever your broken birdie happens to be in your family is rough. It gets much rougher when that member has enablers, which is almost always the case.
Anyone that has normalized the behavior of dragging their loved ones down with them because climbing out of the pit is a bridge too far is beyond most types of help. Sucks to say that about someone you care about, but I didn't make the rules.

 

[WhoBusTank69]

Honestly? Hard choice to make, but in scenarios like this, best long term solution. Just do it in a way that leaves the door open in X amount of time.
Dealing with a addict, schizophrenic, retard, whatever your broken birdie happens to be in your family is rough. It gets much rougher when that member has enablers, which is almost always the case.
Anyone that has normalized the behavior of dragging their loved ones down with them because climbing out of the pit is a bridge too far is beyond most types of help. Sucks to say that about someone you care about, but I didn't make the rules.

My thoughts exactly. They have to want to course correct and Lord knows they've both had and been given enough chances, so to either keep trying to talk sense or, at worst, play along is only a detriment to myself.
It's less schizophrenia and more a boomer's mid-life crisis and returning to fantasies of a life they never lived, while being silently destructive and expensive to those who unfortunately depend on them. So I suppose it is a form of retardation in the most sarcastic form of the word.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

My thoughts exactly. They have to want to course correct and Lord knows they've both had and been given enough chances, so to either keep trying to talk sense or, at worst, play along is only a detriment to myself.
It's less schizophrenia and more a boomer's mid-life crisis and returning to fantasies of a life they never lived, while being silently destructive and expensive to those who unfortunately depend on them. So I suppose it is a form of retardation in the most sarcastic form of the word.

You see it all the time. Mourning the choices you didn't make. All those 'What ifs' compounding on themselves. Part of living is making peace with your choices and letting go of the paths you didn't take.
Or you can just be Nick Rekeita and ruin everyone's life because you hate your own.

 

[WASR96]

Got my backpay finally from my promotion at work. I need to quit slacking on Christmas shopping for my family and friends and go use this to get gifts, but it was nice to finally get it. Think I'm going to get both my brothers and my Dad tickets to go see George Straight in April, so that'll at least knock off one gift for each of them. Energy levels are sadly still hit or miss, I finished making a shelf for my 105mm and 40mm shell casings so I could get them out of the garage and I ended up taking a 3 hour nap after. Tinnitus from the last round still hasn't improved yet either and it's starting to drive me nuts. The TV is either too quiet or too loud with no in between thanks to the ringing.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Got my backpay finally from my promotion at work. I need to quit slacking on Christmas shopping for my family and friends and go use this to get gifts, but it was nice to finally get it. Think I'm going to get both my brothers and my Dad tickets to go see George Straight in April, so that'll at least knock off one gift for each of them. Energy levels are sadly still hit or miss, I finished making a shelf for my 105mm and 40mm shell casings so I could get them out of the garage and I ended up taking a 3 hour nap after. Tinnitus from the last round still hasn't improved yet either and it's starting to drive me nuts. The TV is either too quiet or too loud with no in between thanks to the ringing.

A lot of tinnitus enjoyers swear by some brand of bluetooth earbuds or some sort of noise cancelling...ear. things.

 

[WASR96]

A lot of tinnitus enjoyers swear by some brand of bluetooth earbuds or some sort of noise cancelling...ear. things.

Yeah I ended up buying a pair for my walks and working around the house since listening to music while working is much more enjoyable than hearing "EEEEE" all day haha.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Yeah I ended up buying a pair for my walks and working around the house since listening to music while working is much more enjoyable than hearing "EEEEE" all day haha.

A young dude patient of mine who has tinnitus from being a stupid punk rocker that did loud music with no ear protection says a white noise generator helps him sleep.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

I just woke up and I think I’m already spiraling again. It seems the zoo thing stuck and I’m still scared of turning into a zoophile, possibly cause I have been reading a lot of furry threads and seeing such takes.I’m going to turn my brain off today and book a therapy appointment, and avoid this site today, cause I feel sick. I wish I could stay home from school but we push on.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I took a walk like everyone advised, I’m still out, and I think it may have made it worse.
It gave me time to just sit and think about everything I’ve ever done at 16-18. Every mistake, every fuck up, every misunderstanding, every close call. And I just ruminated as I walked, was this wrong? Was I a pred for that? Was I a zoo for that? Ya, I acquired a new anxiety.
Now I’m just sitting on a curb, it’s quiet, it’s dark out, no cars in the streets with my phone flashlight on. Just sitting with a water bottle, still with these thoughts in my head. And I can’t help but think, this is all so exhausting, yknow? It’s all so pointless and all so exhausting, morality, ethics, what’s right, it’s all so exhausting, it’s so tiring having no real book or chart to show me the right answers. And it has me thinking, why even keep doing this?
If I actually did do something wrong, my death would be a good thing for the world. If it turns out I didn’t, well, oh well. At least that means I don’t have the chance to do wrong later in life, cause there’d be no life.
The whole point of existence, the reason why we’re here, it’s all because we’re here to be good moral people that help each other. If I can’t figure out how to do that I see no reason to be here.
The concept of a mistake is such a confusing one, when one makes a “mistake” what classifies it? A mistake is when someone does something wrong, but redeemable. When is someone irredeemable? I’ve made mistakes, none that have hurt other people, but things that people on KF would argue are immoral and degenerate despite these mistakes only affecting me. Could you say it was a mistake because I was freshly 18? Because I changed? Does change matter? Or are some things unforgivable? What counts as unforgivable “?
Morality is so damn fluid, man. It’s all a big guessing game, and some people just aren’t born good guessers.

I am on your side, so please, do not ruminate, it is not good. Please, get help from professionals, I am not trying to be disrespectful or call you crazy, I genuinely think that you're desperately trying to get better.

I just woke up and I think I’m already spiraling again. It seems the zoo thing stuck and I’m still scared of turning into a zoophile, possibly cause I have been reading a lot of furry threads and seeing such takes.I’m going to turn my brain off today and book a therapy appointment, and avoid this site today, cause I feel sick. I wish I could stay home from school but we push on.

Ok, I kinda feel you on that one. After I made a thread on some deranged psycho, I got a fear of "what if I made a thread on him just because I am not much better and just in denial?" but luckily I was able to move on. Just cut this shit from your life and when you get those thoughts - play something or sing a song or shuffle pen between your fingers, whatever, just anything but thinking of this.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Ok, I kinda feel you on that one. After I made a thread on some deranged psycho, I got a fear of "what if I made a thread on him just because I am not much better and just in denial?" but luckily I was able to move on. Just cut this shit from your life and when you get those thoughts - play something or sing a song or shuffle pen between your fingers, whatever, just anything but thinking of this.

Honestly, thank you for saying this, it helps a lot to hear someone gets what I’m trying to explain I’m feeling. Also thank you for that video, I’ve been recommended that guy before and he seems very helpful. It’s this dilemma between “Thinking about this isn’t healthy” and “But I NEED to think about this, cause what if I did do the thing I’m scared I did. What if I am the thing I’m scared I am. I have to know that so I can act accordingly” (“act accordingly” being suicide). What helps temporarily is scrolling the farms and seeing it’s not actually that big of a deal half the time. An example I found interesting is how everyone here always says “total furfag/pseudo-zoophile death” yet they’re ok with Krinkels, an open sexual furry, they don’t consider him a zoophile. It’s like people are venting and overexaggerating in posts, or, their opinions change often. And that’s the issue with using KF as a moral code, people’s opinions change, people overexaggerate, they shitpost, and all of them write completely unaware that their words will have any impact on anyone beyond making them MATI. None of the people I am studying the comments of to apply to my real life ever thought literally anyone would do that.
Cutting KF from my life sounds like a good thing but such a massive leap.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

It’s like people are venting and overexaggerating in posts, or, their opinions change often. And that’s the issue with using KF as a moral code, people’s opinions change, people overexaggerate, they shitpost, and all of them write completely unaware that their words will have any impact on anyone beyond making them MATI.

I will literally say things that I don't believe in just to stir shit and I'm still a step above the usual KF schizo. If you can't use KF solely as a source of entertainment, you should stop using this forum. Find a role model in real life that you can follow instead of some retard larping as a Jew on the Internet for laughs.

You're not a pedo, a zoophile, or whatever evil shit that you're overthinking and panicking about. Nothing that you do will turn you into that. Go to school like a normal person, visit the therapist, and if possible hang out with some friends. You should root yourself in reality and not some Internet gossip forum.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

It’s like people are venting and overexaggerating in posts, or, their opinions change often. And that’s the issue with using KF as a moral code, people’s opinions change, people overexaggerate, they shitpost, and all of them write completely unaware that their words will have any impact on anyone beyond making them MATI.

Come on, this place was created around CWCwiki which was basically ED appendage back in the day and ED is basically one giant low quality bait. I mean, this place had grown some standards since, but still.

Cutting KF from my life sounds like a good thing but such a massive leap.

Start by limiting your exposure, it should be easier. And try to work on rumination, please.

 

[Mandy Stroyer]

OCD

Zoey thread

Is this fucking #FreeRoss? You need psychiatric help and no amount of bemoaning the logistics of your mentally ill fucktard brain is going to make it any better. You're trying to rationalize the equivalent of a neurological jumpscare and seeking reassurance in a Kiwi Farms thread. You are literally doing everything you're not supposed to be doing.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Is this fucking #FreeRoss? You need psychiatric help and no amount of bemoaning the logistics of your mentally ill fucktard brain is going to make it any better. You're trying to rationalize the equivalent of a neurological jumpscare and seeking reassurance in a Kiwi Farms thread. You are literally doing everything you're not supposed to be doing.

Not enough talking about killing his mother to be FreeRoss

 

[long waters]

It’s less so I’m worried I might be a pedophile, I mean, I know I’m not. Right now. I’m worried I’ll do something in the future accidentally or unknowingly that’ll make me one.

Just don't start gooning to weirder and weirder stuff that you fry your brain with it. Like any vice, overdoing it will make you numb to it and make you seek out more powerful stimuli aka more degenerate things, so use moderation and don't ever let it get to that point.

I took a walk like everyone advised, I’m still out, and I think it may have made it worse.
It gave me time to just sit and think about everything I’ve ever done at 16-18. Every mistake, every fuck up, every misunderstanding, every close call. And I just ruminated as I walked, was this wrong? Was I a pred for that? Was I a zoo for that? Ya, I acquired a new anxiety.
...

It kind of sounds to me like you have some kind of autism and overthink things to the point of giving yourself anxiety. I say that because I feel like I have a similar anxiety about always second guessing if I handled certain situations right, and usually it's really minor stuff. It's a kind of feeling that everything you do is somehow wrong and you're not acting normal, even though it's probably not true and it's all in your head. Maybe it's the same for you and you're overthinking things? You're young as far as I know, I doubt you have made any serious mistakes to warrant stressing out over.

Spoiler: Schizo

I just genuinely cant envision a life without the farms. It’s how I know right from wrong, I’ve changed a lot since I’ve started using it. Became at odds with a lot of friends, the ones that stuck see me as sorta neurotic and paranoid. I know it’s wrong to do, but I can’t imagine deciding how to live my life myself. I can’t trust myself to not pick the wrong thing (the wrong thing being something the farms wouldn’t like). It’s wrong but it makes me feel safe, one of my biggest fears is logging off this site, going to therapy, living life the way I want to, then logging back in years later and seeing I did everything all wrong and then coping by turning into one of those “Fuck Kiwifarms” type people.

Kind of weird to base your morality and values off what the farms thinks. There are lots of retarded people here (myself included probably). What works for me as far as morality goes is Christianity. I'm not particularly religious, but I find that the Christian values and morals are something good to live your life by, even if you are an atheist. It's a tried and tested system over thousands of years, so I think it has worth.

And obviously, as others have said, you should seek therapy.

I keep having panic attacks before I go to sleep and it’s keeping me up. I keep thinking my heart is going to stop in my sleep for some reason. I’ve already gotten my heart checked out and it’s fine, but just every ache and pain (from normal everyday shit) sends my head into overdrive.
I need to sleep dammit.

I've had some of those this year. I think some of them were caffeine consumption related. Recently I had some other issue, possibly related to getting old. Either I was imagining things, or I was actually hearing some kind of very low volume murmuring bass like sound when I was at home, that lasted a few days. Not sure if it was some neighbour playing music louder than usual, or some kind of fan or other device in a neighbouring house or what. Either way, it was a beat-like pattern that was really bugging me and it gave me a kind of panic attack going to sleep on one of those nights.

Edit:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=tfbM6vYsW9g

Bloody hell, feels like he's talking about me at 10:30. I am in this video and I don't like it.

Edit2:
Ok so, my takeaway is that to solve overthinking you need to stop thinking and just do it. Whatever it is, just doing something, anything. And keep on keeping on doing things and then things will just start happening as you do more things. Which is kind of what I've been doing in recent years, although it's quite a long process/journey.

 

[Neurotypical Mantis]

sick again it's worse this time

 

[Ratboy Genius]

Good: cat is snoring very loud and it's cute
Bad: just had an ocd episode again (for lack of a better word idk)

Spoiler: elaborating on ocd, spoilered cuz talking about blood

I have a lot of "body focused repetitive behaviors" thanks to severe ocd. Basically those habits where you mess with your physical appearance. Nails, skin, hair, you name it. The worst of those habits is that I pick at the skin of my lips until they bleed. Every day. Been doing this since kindergarten or earlier. Believe me I've tried so many tricks. The most successful trick was keeping bandaids on both my thumbs all the time. But when I stop picking, I resort to biting the skin, which hurts my jaw and teeth. I don't know what to do...

 

[WASR96]

Good: cat is snoring very loud and it's cute
Bad: just had an ocd episode again (for lack of a better word idk)

Spoiler: elaborating on ocd, spoilered cuz talking about blood

I have a lot of "body focused repetitive behaviors" thanks to severe ocd. Basically those habits where you mess with your physical appearance. Nails, skin, hair, you name it. The worst of those habits is that I pick at the skin of my lips until they bleed. Every day. Been doing this since kindergarten or earlier. Believe me I've tried so many tricks. The most successful trick was keeping bandaids on both my thumbs all the time. But when I stop picking, I resort to biting the skin, which hurts my jaw and teeth. I don't know what to do...

Holy shit, that sounds miserable (not the cat snoring part, I can't wait until my little cross eyed hobo loses her kitten energy and sleeps for 18 hours a day.) I'm guessing you've already talked to a medical professional about it at some point. Maybe a mouth guard in addition to bandages to try to prevent your teeth from ripping your lips up?