How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Lingering butter taste said:
I just genuinely cant envision a life without the farms. It’s how I know right from wrong, I’ve changed a lot since I’ve started using it. Became at odds with a lot of friends, the ones that stuck see me as sorta neurotic and paranoid. I know it’s wrong to do, but I can’t imagine deciding how to live my life myself. I can’t trust myself to not pick the wrong thing (the wrong thing being something the farms wouldn’t like). It’s wrong but it makes me feel safe, one of my biggest fears is logging off this site, going to therapy, living life the way I want to, then logging back in years later and seeing I did everything all wrong and then coping by turning into one of those “Fuck Kiwifarms” type people.
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Log the fuck off and seek therapy NOW
 
Lingering butter taste said:
I just genuinely cant envision a life without the farms. It’s how I know right from wrong, I’ve changed a lot since I’ve started using it. Became at odds with a lot of friends, the ones that stuck see me as sorta neurotic and paranoid. I know it’s wrong to do, but I can’t imagine deciding how to live my life myself. I can’t trust myself to not pick the wrong thing (the wrong thing being something the farms wouldn’t like). It’s wrong but it makes me feel safe, one of my biggest fears is logging off this site, going to therapy, living life the way I want to, then logging back in years later and seeing I did everything all wrong and then coping by turning into one of those “Fuck Kiwifarms” type people.
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How old are you? I would hope somewhere between 18-20, because I've never heard of anyone being that terrified to make their own decisions in life outside of those who are in that age range who are about to start living on their own. Letting an internet forum make all your decisions for you is a really shitty way to go through life. You're going to have to make your own choices at some point, and it's okay when you sometimes choose wrong and make mistakes. Learn from it and move on. You can't accidentally choose so wrong that you wake up one day wanting to be part of DropKiwiFarms and support LFJ unless those are already your values you hold. If you don't already have one, find a job, any job at the moment, so you have your own income and something to keep you busy for 6-12 hours. While you're working that job, think really hard about what it is you'd actually like to do for the rest of your life and start planning for what you need to do to get there. Start attending local groups that share similar hobbies and interests to you. And definitely find a therapist to work through all this with. Even if you never came back to this website ever again, that's a far better outcome than letting the internet make every decision for you. It's your life to live, not the Farms'.

TL;DR please talk to a therapist.
 
My streak of good mood has been broken by me learning today that a hypothetical promotion would only net me a pay bump of about 5k per year. While more money is good it basically means id have to be promoted 2-3 times before being financial stable where I live.

Kinda depressing I like my job somewhat but now I know I need to apply for other jobs in this nightmare market.
 
I took a walk like everyone advised, I’m still out, and I think it may have made it worse.
It gave me time to just sit and think about everything I’ve ever done at 16-18. Every mistake, every fuck up, every misunderstanding, every close call. And I just ruminated as I walked, was this wrong? Was I a pred for that? Was I a zoo for that? Ya, I acquired a new anxiety.
Now I’m just sitting on a curb, it’s quiet, it’s dark out, no cars in the streets with my phone flashlight on. Just sitting with a water bottle, still with these thoughts in my head. And I can’t help but think, this is all so exhausting, yknow? It’s all so pointless and all so exhausting, morality, ethics, what’s right, it’s all so exhausting, it’s so tiring having no real book or chart to show me the right answers. And it has me thinking, why even keep doing this?
If I actually did do something wrong, my death would be a good thing for the world. If it turns out I didn’t, well, oh well. At least that means I don’t have the chance to do wrong later in life, cause there’d be no life.
The whole point of existence, the reason why we’re here, it’s all because we’re here to be good moral people that help each other. If I can’t figure out how to do that I see no reason to be here.
The concept of a mistake is such a confusing one, when one makes a “mistake” what classifies it? A mistake is when someone does something wrong, but redeemable. When is someone irredeemable? I’ve made mistakes, none that have hurt other people, but things that people on KF would argue are immoral and degenerate despite these mistakes only affecting me. Could you say it was a mistake because I was freshly 18? Because I changed? Does change matter? Or are some things unforgivable? What counts as unforgivable “?
Morality is so damn fluid, man. It’s all a big guessing game, and some people just aren’t born good guessers.
 
I'm glad I'm not suffering an ego death or whatever the fuck is going on, myself.

But I gotta go to the dentist tomorrow :(
 
I'm still unemployed and sad as hell about job hunting, but I'm staving off the feelings of longing for death by getting super into pixel art and drawing some cute little guys.
 
Lingering butter taste said:
NOPE
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If this was a genuine cry for help and not some like, tranny esque manifest about why their blew their brains out and took half a elementary school class with them, this has all sorts of red flags on it, but the Internet being what it is, and KF being what it is, this really is a coin flip. If you had said like 20% of this in my office during a session and I let you walk out, I'd be charged with failure to report.
IF - capitalized I and F - this was sincere, you call your parents, or your friend, or your local mental health crisis line. Like, Now. Right now. You are extremely unwell and, again, if this is sincere, the longer you do not, the worse your chances of any type of thriving/surviving are.
If this is some ham-handed overwrought story crafted to garner sympathy and the stories and excuses keep getting more complex, from the bottom of my heart: shame on you. I like this thread. A lot. I like it when people are sincere in it, and I am sincere in saying: Get help. Now. Because you need it. I am also sincere in saying if this is some teenaged feel bad for me thing, I am equally sincere in saying: Get gone. Now.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
IF - capitalized I and F - this was sincere, you call your parents, or your friend, or your local mental health crisis line. Like, Now. Right now. You are extremely unwell and, again, if this is sincere, the longer you do not, the worse your chances of any type of thriving/surviving are.
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I don’t want to be sent to a ward or anything. From the bottom of my heart, I am sincere, but it’s like you said. If I told anyone this, they’d be deeply worried. Worried enough to drag me away into an ER. I don’t know, I feel at a complete loss right now.
 
Lingering butter taste said:
I don’t want to be sent to a ward or anything. From the bottom of my heart, I am sincere, but it’s like you said. If I told anyone this, they’d be deeply worried. Worried enough to drag me away into an ER. I don’t know, I feel at a complete loss right now.
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I have met hundreds of you. You all have the same plight and you all say the same things. Some of you listen and go get help. The ones that ignore me have this nasty habit of exiting life on their own terms.
Guess which phrase you used that basically narrowed down what I suspect your ailment is, learn something about yourself.
 
Core Theorist said:
People sure love being miserable. I still can't figure out why.
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You can be addicted to misery. It's a thing. Just like you can be addicted to rage.
A lot of illnesses co-opt or corrupt (or whatever word you want to use to mean change) your behavior to sustain themselves. Depressed people do things to stay depressed. Manic people do things to stay manic. You get the gyst.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
I meant it was a block of text that a schizoaffective person would write, or a troll would write. Only you know the truth.
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I know I’m not a troll, I’ve never been checked for being legitimately schizophrenic. Though reading that Zoey thread and seeing the similarities between us has sort of woken me up that I don’t think I’m normal and should listen to everyone here when they say I should get help. I think. I dunno, I should just stop thinking and being here and instead I should call someone.
 
Lingering butter taste said:
I know I’m not a troll, I’ve never been checked for being legitimately schizophrenic. Though reading that Zoey thread and seeing the similarities between us has sort of woken me up that I don’t think I’m normal and should listen to everyone here when they say I should get help. I think. I dunno, I should just stop thinking and being here and instead I should call someone.
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If you think you're like Tiffany in any way, shape or form, then you've needed help for a very long time. Get help, or don't. You are the captain of your own ship, and the seas be heaving. Good luck, God bless.
 
Core Theorist said:
People sure love being miserable. I still can't figure out why.
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Well, it's a combo of getting attention and a faint sense of love from people sympathizing with the misery, as well as the path to getting better being an upwards climb, so the miserable ones would rather wallow in their depression.
(Source: Me several times throughout my life.)

Hopefully your dentist appointment goes well, fren :)
 
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