Realizing I've been trending to more negativity than I want or is useful. "On the surface I look calm and ready," and usually I am in the day-to-day and even in shoring up certain things for the future - but tbh inside I'm "literally shaking rn" and just blasting through it by sheer force of will and the knowledge that there is no alternative. I have been spending some good time learning to recognize negative thinking patterns* and adjusting to a better approach, but the reality is that reality is very scary, and my tightrope is thinner everyday.
*surprisingly good thing to do to recognize that even though you don't think you're (for example) being catastrophic or don't give credit enough to or internalize good things, because you remain positive and focused in practice, you might actually be thinking these things.
I just heard a statement that negative emotions and emotional reactions are telling us when we need to readjust our focus and actions toward (or back toward) learning, healing and growing. Call that trite or woo-sounding, but I think that thinking of negative emotions as annoying messengers with retarded communication skills but nonetheless important information to convey is useful. So we need to forgive ourselves for not listening in the past (and present, often), but also to listen, and to rethink responses to situations, people, hard realities. Detachment is critical, and I think I've been gradually losing some of that without realizing it and that's why I've been feeling more frayed lately.
Sort-of solicitation for perspectives:
I have realized over the last many years that I used to have virtually no boundaries. I've learned that they are important (and that I get resentful without them) and continually practice them, but it's hard with kids. My kid tells me "you need to set better boundaries" when I'm frustrated about being pulled in 70 directions, but same kid gets hurt when I set them, which sometimes sends me into a swirl. Fair enough - sometimes my delivery is hard because it is still a bit uncomfortable to do. But I am continually working on it and trying to let go of caving and sacrificing myself completely to make everyone else comfortable.
Small example: my (young adult, well beyond legal adult) kid has been away for a few days seeing dad and sibling. Asked days ago when return flight is (bc I would be doing pickup). Got a tart Idk until today (return day). Turns out kid didn't know bc dad hadn't provided that info (I deduce; kid will never carp to me about dad - OK, understand). Putting aside my thought that kid should have required it (and my frustration with that they didn't), dad is a narc and a controller, so OK. So now I hear return flight comes in at midnight. Knowing I need to be at the office at 7 am tomorrow, I squash the impulse to say no problem, I'll rearrange everything and be there, and say yes, Uber sounds like the best bet. I can hear the disappointment, which brings up all the internal guilt and desperation to be Perfect, and it is hard to stand on that boundary, but I do. I still feel guilty - in my ideal world I provide a warm homecoming no matter what, and admittedly have a warped historical emotional perspective to "save the day" by picking up all slack, wherever it comes from. I want to beg internet strangers to tell me whether I'm selfish for setting a boundary (and paying for an alternative), but my being at work, rested and ready, is important for the future - and even that aside, a last-minute midnight pickup of an early-mid 20s child is a lot, no? ...fuck, I think this is reasonable, but it's so tangled. So here's this: I'm sticking with it, but I'm interested in any perspective, agreeing or disagreeing.
Yeah, a not-that-helpful thinking pattern I have is bringing in a lifetime of STUFF for basic minor decisions.
