How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Some days, nothing ever happens. Some days, everything happens.

What a fucking wild ride.

I think the political situation in the US is just devolving into chaos at this point.
 
Not feeling so good. Stomach aches, back pain. If it doesn't get better by tomorrow I'm gonna go to the hospital.
I'm feeling better :) Didn't need to go to the hospital too. I wil make an appointment with a gastroenterologist though, because the pain was really really bad. Hopefully it was just something I ate and not a health problem.
 
My birthday was this week. Felt so off since my mom passed in late June not getting a call from her to wish me a happy birthday or send me some funny birthday meme like she always did. Sister and brother did their best in trying to have a little family get together to have dinner, a couple drinks, give a few gifts (didn’t want any but they insisted) and just bullshit. Appreciated the gesture but we all knew it just didn’t feel the same without mom being there to celebrate with us
 
Still super exhausted, the little chestburster (as I’ve been affectionately referring to the baby growing inside me) has been kicking up a storm today and last night. Found out this week that we’re expecting a girl and she’s growing well, and everything is all good so far. The other kids are disappointed because they thought I was having a boy.

Bought myself a load of scheepjes whirl yarn as a treat though, gonna crochet myself a shawl or something.
 
Didn't collect enough stem cells for them to start high dose chemo. Options are to do round 6 of regular chemo and get sick from the immunotherapy again, or do the high dose chemo with what they collected to save me with and get sick. Either way, sounds like I'm going to be here longer than anticipated and feel like shit at some point doing it. I'm tired, Kiwi Bros.
 
Didn't collect enough stem cells for them to start high dose chemo. Options are to do round 6 of regular chemo and get sick from the immunotherapy again, or do the high dose chemo with what they collected to save me with and get sick. Either way, sounds like I'm going to be here longer than anticipated and feel like shit at some point doing it. I'm tired, Kiwi Bros.
While Victor Frankl was in concentration camp, his friend told him that he had a prophetic dream where God told him that war was about to end on March 30th, 1945. Then as the date was getting closer with no salvation in sight, his friend was becoming more and more desperate until on March 29th he fell ill and died the next day. "His war ended on March 30th, just like he expected!" - said Frankl, but he never saw anything supernatural in this. As the fabled day was getting close his friend's stress levels were growing until his body gave up and succumbed to the malady.
I know it sounds cliched as fuck, but stay strong, brother. Sometimes all we can do is just to carry on.
 
Work environment representative pulled me aside and said they didn't feel comfortable with how another coworker spoke to me. Made me realize that my slight unnerve at work was justified. Rather than saying "this issue? Do this instead", it becomes a 5 min drawn out conversation fishing not only the solution out of me, but the issue itself. "Do you know this? hmmmm? And what do you know, hmmmm?". Nigga, woman, get over yourself. You can't pride yourself about knowledge in a job based on trial and error.
While Victor Frankl was in concentration camp
I've read man's search for meaning and one thing, as an unemployed cuck at the time, stood out to me. How he compared being a prisoner to being unemployed. Something along the lines of having no end in sight, but it also ranging from days to years. There's no way a human can feasibly just "deal with it day by day". Just survive another day on the front, it's over soon!... 5 years is also relatively 'soon'. But so is 5 days. Humans got this weird thing where they'll suffer every day, but once it's resolved, they'll go "psh, why was I so worried 2 days ago?". Cause it's all you had.

I'd re-read the book if it wasn't bordering on schizo ranting half the time.
 
I'm taking in my sister's pomeranian for two weeks since she's travelling and its always exciting for me when I get to watch over him since I never had a pet of my own.
He's precious and very affectionate but can also be a huge rascal during the day time. He'll pull out doorstoppers, flail the corners of carpets around or run off with socks I'm trying to put on, yet he completely ignores all the toys and plushies I specifically bought for him.
 
I think I just hate black people now. Sure, I’m black, but I can admit that with shame. I wish I could be white but we’re not allowed to choose our races, I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this weird burnt complexion. And then I’m associated with all this crime and raping. If a white person called me a nigger I wouldn’t fight back, we deserve it, we deserve worse.
Don't hate yourself for anything that isn't your own fault. It helps nobody. I was trapped in the white guilt cage a couple decades ago and it's bullshit. I'm not guilty for what every white retard ever did in history and it does nobody any good to pretend that I am. I'll feel guilty for shit I actually did.

You're not that nigger who slashed that poor Ukrainian refugee girl's throat, and don't even try to carry that guilt.
 
More reorg/ restructuring at work. And (unrelated) a coworker mad and trying to flex. Try me. But fr, treacherous waters these days, and a crazy 3.5 months ahead.

In calmer seas, seeing my kids gain confidence and direction, being happy, and working so hard for their own goals is the best thing in the world.
 
Trying to detox from being MATI over Charlie Kirk's murder. Went golfing with a friend today. It helped.
Same here. Ended up talking with my cousin, he helped calm me down a little.

Now my washer decided not to work (it cuts on and initially starts, but the washer tub doesn't fill nor spin, and the machine cuts off after a few minutes).
 
I'm really grateful I cut out certain people from my life earlier this year. It wasn't easy. They were people I knew in my past but had warped into strangers.

I ran into an old ex-friend just rejoicing over Charlie's death on her socials and it just filled me with relief... because she's not my problem. I'll admit, there were times this year were I doubted my choices, due to nostalgia alone.

I'm just burnt out from doomscrolling. I was already burnt out from the troon shooting, but now I'm super burnt out. To a crisp.

Gonna watch more comfort shows while I work. Hope that'll ease weird terror I haven't been able to shake off since this event. The shooting video keeps looping in my brain and I want it out.
 
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