How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

I kind of use this site as a social guide on how to live my life

This is a terrible idea and an express way of developing a severe mental illness.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

For the past three days I've had three drinks ruined by a wasp flying into it.

Day one: I had an empty can of monster. I finished it, then left to do something in the apartment then I went to get the drops out in the sink: a wasp fell out. It must have fallen in after I emptied the can.

Day two: I had a bottle of lemonade that was 3/4 empty. I went to do stuff temporarily and I came back to a wasp in my bottle.

Day three: I had a can of sparkling water. Since it's just carbonated water with no sugar, surely the wasps wouldn't give a shit. I was wrong. I didn't hear the wasp somehow so when I went to take a sip, I got a fat fuck wasp alongside sparkling water with pink grapefruit.

What the fuck?

That's not to mention every day before that a wasp has entered my apartment. My windows are open because it's hot outside and the stupid wasp won't leave the fuck alone.

However I think I understand why wasps has been such an issue lately. Went for a walk the other day and I walked past this bush that's adjecent to the parking lot of my apartment building and it was buzzing aggressively.

ALMOST as if there's a wasp nest in there. Joy.

 

[WASR96]

Look, man, that's obviously not some good news and I don't want to give you the usual beaten to death "just hang on, it will be fine", because in situations like these it sounds like people don't care. I am just some weirdo stranger from a forum where people laugh at internet spergs, but nevertheless I am wishing for you to fight this shit and come on top of it.
Still, life isn't an anime, so it is better to consider all outcomes. Do you have relatives or family who can take care of you? Some business that you want to finish just in case? Some things that you want to sort out yourself? Something that you want to say to someone? Not because I think you should give up, but because sometimes putting those things in order gives a bit of peace of mind, no matter how things turn out.

Not ready to throw in the towel yet, was just horrible news to get since it seemed like I was almost done. Declined surgery since it could make it worse due to the locations of the masses. They're going to try harsher chemo and to save me with my own stem cells first+ fixed radiation to see if that works first. Already did out a will and told family what I want to happen in case the worst happens. I'm still pretty young (at least in my mind haha) but I didn't want to leave anyone stuck with the worst.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Not ready to throw in the towel yet, was just horrible news to get since it seemed like I was almost done. Declined surgery since it could make it worse due to the locations of the masses. They're going to try harsher chemo and to save me with my own stem cells first+ fixed radiation to see if that works first. Already did out a will and told family what I want to happen in case the worst happens. I'm still pretty young (at least in my mind haha) but I didn't want to leave anyone stuck with the worst.

In this case I wish you the best in putting this thing on its ass.

 

[The Feline Solution 2]

Smoke alarm batteries are low and they started beeping. I got very high ceilings and found out i cant reach the bastards with the only ladder i have here. Guess we African-American now. Honestly crazy how blacks can live with this, i am already this close to bashing the things in with a broom or something and it hasn't even been a day.

Is it normal to just have no clue who you are? Like genuinely no clue, not “Oh I have no hobbies or interests” like your name dosent even sound like your name anymore and you have no clue what your personality is or who you are as a person, your appearance dosent even feel like yours. You have like and dislikes but you’re distant from them, they’re not “yours” you’ve just floated through life and found bad and good things. I’ve been feeling this way for a while and I’m starting to think it’s not normal. It feels like I was literally born yesterday.

It's the state i was in when i was still doing Speed, some depersonalisation shit. Honestly, i did like it a lot, i remember the first times it felt like it brought order into the chaos i had been living for 30 odd years. Was shit for the people that were close to me because who wants to deal with a distant, emotionally cold robot (one of the many reasons i only did drugs solo) for a prolonged amount of time?
Seeing how i only ever reached that state on hard drugs i'd say it is definitely not normal to experience it sober. I also have no idea how one would work on changing that state of being.

 

[Bloo]

This site has been genuinely bummin me out, I have to take a break but it’s like I’m addicted? I’ve tried going a bit without it but like by the end of day one I get kind of jittery and anxious.

To be frank, I was never good with social norms and conventions. I was never good at really knowing what’s normal and what’s not, what’s ok and what’s not. When I came across this site, a lot of stuff I thought was ok and normal, it turns out it’s not. I kind of use this site as a social guide on how to live my life, so I feel like if I go without it for a while, I’m gonna do something terrible that I didn’t even know was terrible.

I kinda wish “polite society” wasn’t a thing and people could just walk up and tell me “Hey, this is weird, don’t do that” instead of just side eye me silently as if I’m supposed to get what the fuck they’re trying to say from that. This forum is the only place that tells me how to act, but it’s seriously depressing me cause it’s just so… Negative I guess. I wanna get back to doing my hobbies and what makes me happy but I’m scared I’m going to accidentally do something wrong that I had no clue was wrong and I won’t be able to take it back. I know I sound schizo right now but I was trying to take a break again and here I am at 2 AM searching up random terms in the search to see “Ok, is it ok if I do this? What about this?”. It’s become a thing that whenever a friend wants to introduce me to something, I go “hold on” and search it in the search function first to make sure it’s “ok” to like.

Holy shit I think there may be something actually wrong with me. Typing this out I sound genuinely insane.

Could you give examples? Of what you were previously doing that wasn’t “normal”?

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Could you give examples? Of what you were previously doing that wasn’t “normal”?

Spoiler

I can think of three examples. There was a time when, as a senior, I was in this creative arts class that had a bunch of freshmen in it. I was like 17-18 and they were like 14-15.

One day this guy walked up to me and said “Yo, are you a furry?”. I said “Uh. I dunno, maybe?” Cause I thought furry just meant “Likes anthropomorphic animal media” and the Lion King is one of my favorite movies. I didn’t realize how inappropriate furryism was for minors, I should’ve just said “No, and you shouldn’t know what that is.”

There was also another time where we were chilling, kinda slacking off on assignments, and one of the freshmen mentioned a show and I was like “Oh, hey, I love that show!”. We were talking and one of them mentioned shipping and I said “Oh ya, I ship ___ and ___ so hard” then we just kept talking about it. I literally had no clue shipping was inappropriate to talk to minors about till I read this forum. I always assumed that since it wasn’t inherently sexual it was fine, but it is romantic and that’s still weird.

Last example was, often times the freshmen in my class would make a lot of sex jokes. And whenever they’d make one at me I’d awkwardly laugh and say “What??”. I thought that was me like, discouraging the joke. But after reading the forum I realize it wasn’t.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

Spoiler

I can think of three examples. There was a time when, as a senior, I was in this creative arts class that had a bunch of freshmen in it. I was like 17-18 and they were like 14-15.

One day this guy walked up to me and said “Yo, are you a furry?”. I said “Uh. I dunno, maybe?” Cause I thought furry just meant “Likes anthropomorphic animal media” and the Lion King is one of my favorite movies. I didn’t realize how inappropriate furryism was for minors, I should’ve just said “No, and you shouldn’t know what that is.”

There was also another time where we were chilling, kinda slacking off on assignments, and one of the freshmen mentioned a show and I was like “Oh, hey, I love that show!”. We were talking and one of them mentioned shipping and I said “Oh ya, I ship ___ and ___ so hard” then we just kept talking about it. I literally had no clue shipping was inappropriate to talk to minors about till I read this forum. I always assumed that since it wasn’t inherently sexual it was fine, but it is romantic and that’s still weird.

Last example was, often times the freshmen in my class would make a lot of sex jokes. And whenever they’d make one at me I’d awkwardly laugh and say “What??”. I thought that was me like, discouraging the joke. But after reading the forum I realize it wasn’t.

Nigga, teenagers make sex jokes. You're just a bit retarded which is why you're taking the same classes as people 2 years your junior (who are probably bullying you and laughing behind your back). Giving yourself schizophrenia over it is not the right solution.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Nigga, teenagers make sex jokes. You're just a bit retarded which is why you're taking the same classes as people 2 years your junior (who are probably bullying you and laughing behind your back). Giving yourself schizophrenia over it is not the right solution.

It was the only class I took that had freshmen in it, it was a class I like personally applied to cause I wanted to do something creative but had no clue it’d be mostly kids, but I loved the class too much to drop out because of that.

I dunno, I was stupid and I don’t wanna be stupid like that again. Of course teenagers make sex jokes but I shouldn’t encourage it, indirectly or otherwise.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

It was the only class I took that had freshmen in it, it was a class I like personally applied to cause I wanted to do something creative but had no clue it’d be mostly kids, but I loved the class too much to drop out because of that.

I dunno, I was stupid and I don’t wanna be stupid like that again. Of course teenagers make sex jokes but I shouldn’t encourage it, indirectly or otherwise.

Stop being retarded, making stupid jokes is part of the teenage experience and based on your descriptions, you were most likely the butt of the joke.

It sounds like you have serious issues with sex and intimacy. Have you ever had any? If not, you should probably fix that and start behaving more like a human than autist. You'll learn more from socializing in real life (with people of your age) than from retards on an Internet gossip forum.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

It sounds like you have serious issues with sex and intimacy. Have you ever had any?

No, I don’t want to either honestly. Not only does any description of it I hear sound unappealing, I also believe in waiting until marriage. And well, I don’t really plan to get married anytime soon.

Stop being retarded, making stupid jokes is part of childhood

I mean, yeah, but towards a senior? I dunno, am I crazy to say that’s where I should’ve put a hard stop to it?

 

[Chiang Kai-shek]

Honestly, pretty great. Been at a new job for a while now and it’s a sweet gig. Started reading up on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and after doing the exercises for a bit I’m finding myself more upbeat and positive. Hell I’m even optimistic, something I didn’t think possible years ago. Now I need to figure out how to manage my time after work and on the weekends. I very good at being early for work but when I get home I’m beat, need to practice setting up a schedule for myself and following it.

If I had to complain, I’d say it’s all this gender war shit online. I want to start dating but retarded gender war takes make me hesitant. I’ve never really been a social person so there’s the social anxiety aspect and maybe I’m using the gender war stuff as a cover. But I gotta say, with how seemingly popular femcel/incel talking points are it makes me wonder, is this stuff just online or has it seeped into the real world. I don’t believe either side and actively hate both, but I don’t want to run into those people in real life. Regardless here’s to hoping I can conquer my anxieties.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

I mean, yeah, but towards a senior? I dunno, am I crazy to say that’s where I should’ve put a hard stop to it?

Yeah, you're both retarded and immature. If they wanted to actually fuck you rather than laugh at you, that's different. Making dumb sex jokes does not cross that line.

No, I don’t want to either honestly. Not only does any description of it I hear sound unappealing, I also believe in waiting until marriage. And well, I don’t really plan to get married anytime soon.

I'm all for lifelong monogamy, but you can also marry the first person that you have sex with. It's a good way of testing if you're even compatible as partners. You sound very inexperienced and actually partaking in the essential part of the human experience that are relationships would probably do you good. Don't take advice from me though, go outside and talk with your friends.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

No, I don’t want to either honestly. Not only does any description of it I hear sound unappealing, I also believe in waiting until marriage. And well, I don’t really plan to get married anytime soon.

Well, if you do, pick someone else who doesn't want sex, or that "it's OK now that we're married so let's get busy" vibe is going to make for mutual misery.

I mean, yeah, but towards a senior? I dunno, am I crazy to say that’s where I should’ve put a hard stop to it?

You can't control people. You can walk away (literally or metaphorically), or appeal to authority to intervene, but that's about it. Not telling them off or to stop may reflect you (forgiveably - give yourself a break) not having confidence or speed to realize you were uncomfortable, but even if you had done that, there's no guarantee or reason to think it would have impacted them. Especially if you didn't already have some influence on the group.

Also, you can't take everything you read here (or anywhere) completely at face value. People vent, take on personas, and shitpost all the time. At the very least select carefully any "do this, not that" stuff you pick up here (or online generally, or in life). And it's critical to build a strong sense of self. Just bc you feel or are clueless doesn't mean everyone else knows better. That's just the blind leading the blind if you don't learn and apply discernment.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Pardon if I've double-posted.

Honestly, pretty great. Been at a new job for a while now and it’s a sweet gig. Started reading up on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and after doing the exercises for a bit I’m finding myself more upbeat and positive. Hell I’m even optimistic, something I didn’t think possible years ago. Now I need to figure out how to manage my time after work and on the weekends. I very good at being early for work but when I get home I’m beat, need to practice setting up a schedule for myself and following it.

If I had to complain, I’d say it’s all this gender war shit online. I want to start dating but retarded gender war takes make me hesitant. I’ve never really been a social person so there’s the social anxiety aspect and maybe I’m using the gender war stuff as a cover. But I gotta say, with how seemingly popular femcel/incel talking points are it makes me wonder, is this stuff just online or has it seeped into the real world. I don’t believe either side and actively hate both, but I don’t want to run into those people in real life. Regardless here’s to hoping I can conquer my anxieties.

First paragraph - awesome! For real, that's great.

For the second - I think a bad thing to do would be to carry those concerns/"baggage" into the real world. From my (albeit removed) observation, yes, those things can be out there, but most people (and I mean young people) are just normal people underneath, so get to know people for real and avoid people who seem super- sucked-into negative views and opinions, or who think every interaction or romantic or make-female thing as a real battlefield. Mistakes and stumbles will happen; that is all of life's rich pageant. So don't get jaded; it's the kiss of death.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

You sound very inexperienced and actually partaking in the essential part of the human experience that are relationships would probably do you good. Don't take advice from me though, go outside and talk with your friends.

I mean- Maybe? I mean, as you said, I’m retarded and immature. Both terrible traits to have in a relationship, I doubt I could even handle one.

but even if you had done that, there's no guarantee or reason to think it would have impacted them.

I guess it just would’ve made me a good person. That I made sure, I, as the adult in the situation stopped anything inappropriate from happening? I dunno, I think I’ve been reading too many groomer threads.

And it's critical to build a strong sense of self.

I don’t really have that, no. Haha.

I think Strongest Solider is right though, I think I’m giving myself mental illness or something.

Spoiler: Schizo

Ever since I got on the farms I keep on thinking back to dumb stuff I did in senior year that I’m scared was bad or evil and I wasn’t even aware. I remember I made a 50k joke to a freshman once, unaware of how sexual it was. When I found out it was a porn joke I apologized to them, they were cool about it. But after the farms it’s like I keep thinking back to it and thinking, maybe I’m terrible for that. And I keep pacing in my room telling myself that it was an accident and I didn’t mean anything by it. I have a journal that I used to use to doodle but now a lot of it is taken up by scribblings to myself questioning if I did something wrong this time or that time and listing out all the reasons why it may have been wrong and all the reasons why it may have been fine. I’ve lost sleep, lost hours of going outside and doing stuff cause I just want to stay indoors and scroll the farms and make sure I’m being a decent human being. Not to get overly pathetic but it has gotten to dangerous degrees. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I doubt schizophrenia like Strongest said but I dunno.

 

[PaleTay]

Numb, I just feel less intensely and I'm almost getting used to it.

I have acquittances and sometimes I even have fun doing stuff with them, but real friends just feel different and I see those less often (although it's partly my fault, there's nothing realistic I can do about it). It just feels like adulthood is settling for those who are around, instead of focusing on those who make you happy.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I guess it just would’ve made me a good person. That I made sure, I, as the adult in the situation stopped anything inappropriate from happening? I dunno, I think I’ve been reading too many groomer threads.

You weren't an adult, and though you maybe can reasonably look back and say "I wish I'd...," you didn't, and it's nbd. It's also not something you can change (the past, I mean), so let it go. If you want to do better finding your voice to say "you shouldn't be saying that," work on that. But it sounds more like a "learn to speak up/ take action" thing than a "you as a 17/18-yo had a duty to manage dumbass mid-teens and prevent them from acting like retarded mid-teens, and you failed and were creepy." Tbh, it sounds like they might have been poking at you on purpose and you, instead of being mad or embarrassed that you were picked on, have internalized some strange kind of failed obligation to protect them from...something. And I think you're not right about that, but also think that yes, you're missing some core self-concept pieces. That's not necessarily pathological; most people can look back at some situations and think, wow, I completely missed what was going on, and I wish I'd known enough or been brave enough or fast enough to do it differently - and even feel some shame from that. So yeah, be more thoughtful about recognizing events and behaviors that trouble you and figure out strategies to deal with them going forward. It gets easier with practice to read people and understand dynamics.

As for grooming, if you have concerns about doing that, then don't do it, and remove yourself from situations that don't seem right. But what you described isn't that, on its face.

lot of it is taken up by scribblings to myself questioning if I did something wrong this time or that time and listing out all the reasons why it may have been wrong and all the reasons why it may have been fine. I’ve lost sleep, lost hours of going outside and doing stuff cause I just want to stay indoors and scroll the farms and make sure I’m being a decent human being. Not to get overly pathetic but it has gotten to dangerous degrees.

Girl, get some therapeutic help. Rumination (running thoughts taking over) is bad for you. And again, give yourself some grace. From the examples you've described, no one was hurt by anything you said. Yeah, sure, know the joke you're telling before you tell it - but come on, this was at least a year ago (right?), and you were in high school. Work on paying attention and if you're worried you'll unknowingly tell some off-color joke to the wrong audience, then don't tell off-color jokes. But for real, the things you have described should not be eating away at you like this. Again, get with a pro to sort that out - and that can also help ID if there's something deeper in your self-conception that makes you concerned you're a bad person or might do something wrong.

And I'll repeat forever: a strong sense of self is critical. Without it, you're a two-man sailboat in an ocean storm.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Girl, get some therapeutic help. Rumination (running thoughts taking over) is bad for you. And again, give yourself some grace. From the examples you've described, no one was hurt by anything you said. Yeah, sure, know the joke you're telling before you tell it - but come on, this was at least a year ago (right?), and you were in high school. Work on paying attention and if you're worried you'll unknowingly tell some off-color joke to the wrong audience, then don't tell off-color jokes. But for real, the things you have described should not be eating away at you like this. Again, get with a pro to sort that out - and that can also help ID if there's something deeper in your self-conception that makes you concerned you're a bad person or might do something wrong.

And I'll repeat forever: a strong sense of self is critical. Without it, you're a two-man sailboat in an ocean storm.

Ya, no, you’re right. Thank you. I think I needed to hear this. I just see so much internet drama with grooming and sometimes I get worried I’ll “accidentally” do that, so I try to stay away from minors as much as possible, but sometimes I have to interact with them (for example, there’s a 17 yr old in my college class). But maybe I’m just being paranoid and delusional.

 

[Damocles_Sword]

I think I'm over the grieving now. Still miss her like hell. Still gonna post a penguin pic daily in her memory. The coof forced our friend group to mostly online hangouts. We all live across a fairly wide geographical area so we get together in person 3/4 times a year. This month was supposed to be our big group birthday gift/pizza party. Once her family has everything in order I intend to distribute out the gifts she got everyone. That's going to be hard. She collected fountain pens and had great handwriting. There's going to be cards.