How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Last night, me and my hubs fell asleep to Type O Negative after sharing a cigarette. We haven't done that in awhile and it felt amazing to do so. I also got him ready for work and everything. I'm off today but he isn't unfortunately.
 
my dad needs shoulder surgery and I'm worried about him being put under. My friend's dad died from a routine surgery many years ago
 
I'm definitely depressed. There are multiple paths to an objectively good life in front of me, but I just don't care. Nothing motivates me, nothing is fun that I haven't already done a million times.
 
I think I've hit some sort of quarter life crisis. It's not something that can ever fully be conveyed by words but instead just felt.

How I came to this epiphany was by looking closely at a female fly laying larva inside a plastic bag. I just realized I was looking at the end of the life of one creature and the beginning life for another.

There was a point in my own life that I told myself, "my life just started, I have plenty of time to figure it all out" then I realized that the last time I told myself that was over 5 years ago.

If feels like one day you're just sitting in high school and then you blink and you're fast approaching your 30s trying to wonder where all that time went.
 
I just had that moment when you thought you drank all your beer, then you look around and another one has appeared out of nowhere you forgot about.

It's the little things.
 
Stabmaster Arson said:
I just had that moment when you thought you drank all your beer, then you look around and another one has appeared out of nowhere you forgot about.

It's the little things.
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Not a fan of beer normally, but with you I'll makean exception.
 
Not doing super good. Just put my dad in the ground after 1 year+ of waiting for people being able to travel and make it for the funeral. I thought I was all cried out about his passing, but I was wrong. Don't take your parents for granted kiwis, and spend time with them while you can.
 
The immediate people in my life that I have to deal with (work, house, life) have been neutrally kind enough lately my massive anxiety has subsided a bit.

Lately I've been thinking about my health. I had a lot of medical trauma when I was younger and I haven't formally seen a doctor for any period of time longer than an immediate emergency in over fifteen years. I have issues I struggle with but any time I go to a doctor, it's always in some garbage area with barely graduated doctors that get by with the bare minimum. I don't even know how to find a good doctor or what to look for.

I think I have issues with my joints - it does run in the family. I've been taking birth control to avoid dealing with whatever has been happening with my ovaries (last emergency I was told there was an issue but I never followed up...). Last year I developed a weird bump on my back that I kind of hoped was a pimple but I now hope it's a deep cyst (I am a cyst-y person) because it's.. still there? It hasn't changed or grown or had any pain, but it's definitely a "lump". Maybe the size of a penny. Am I dieing, farmers?

To be fair, I'd kind of be okay with it. I haven't wanted to be alive for a very long time but I cannot bring myself to actually end it. Instead I choose the longest most annoying most unnecessary methods.
 
In the last year I've developed a chronic pain condition that has horribly damaged my quality of life. I try and stay grateful for the blessings that I have but it's not easy. Everything seems so pointless now.
 
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