How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Projects never go as planned. My kitchen sink is garbage, months ago the faucet bracket rusted away and it sort of flopped around when you used it, and the hot side was just a trickle. So I got a new cheap faucet so I was less annoyed until I can remodel the whole kitchen in a year or two. Today was installation day. Pulled the old one off with no problem. Realized I should replace the hoses. Went to the one hardware store within 50 miles and they had the hoses and a new valve for the hot as it was equally possible the shutoff valve was the problem. Took the old valve off. Screwed the new one onto the brass tee and the part on the galvanized side(last remaining galvanized in the house, part of what's getting ripped out in the kitchen remodel) was loose. Took the whole tee off and most of the galvanized threads came with it. Fuck. Turns out there are compression couplers for galvanized. Return to hardware store, procure one and a galvanized nipple. Cut nipple in half. Cut off rusty theads on pipe, use fancy coupler to hook the two now not-threaded ends together. Attach faucet lines, enjoy blood red water until the rust I knocked loose in the lines settles out. Since I was under the sink I was going to replace the water filter cartridges, but I'm gonna skip that for now, enough under sink shit for today.

And I still didn't get the bird shit washed off the car.

New faucet doesn't drip and has good hot water pressure again, so, success, I guess.
 
My dog died tonight. He was 14. Almost a month to the day of his birthday. He developed an aspirat pneumonia over the weekend and took a bad turn on Sunday. He was hurting so bad. I called my vet to come in for emergency euthensaia. I picked him up and started to carry him down the stairs. I told him it's okay, Mommy's here, Mommy's got you, we're gonna make the pain stop, no more pain. I told him it's okay to let go. I told him he didn't need to keep fighting for my sake. I said he could let go. And he did. In my arms. Halfway down the stairs. He went limp. Shuddered a bit. The shock hit when I was at the car and had to put his body un in the car. I kept hyperventilating. I ended up just holding him the ride to the vet like one last intense hug. I carried him in and held onto him for as long as i could. I said my goodbyes. I told him all the friends he'd see again. I know he was dead. But it helped. I still can't believe he's gone. I have waves of the shock hitting me. I want him back so, so badly. Everything feels thick and unreal. My bed feels smaller. The house is empty. Everything is wrong. Reading feels wrong. Listening to music feels wrong. Bathing feels wrong. Everything is wrong now. I want him back. I want to hold and squeeze him. I want him back. He's gone and everything is worse now. Sorry for the rambling guys.
 
I am putting this here because I don't know where else to put it. I had a breakup recently and I'm deep in my cups and I needed someplace to put this.

9Cheers.

There was a time when I dated somebody and when they had a hard time they would hold onto me and hold onto me and say in a sad voice,
"this is really hard,"
It was a moment of respite and reality and clarity, I knew it was. I'd hold onto them and they would whisper, "it's really hard."

And in twilight I would hold onto them.
Things are really hard.
I would kiss their cheeks and put them to bed.
Things are really hard.
Your friends are dead
I don't know them
even when I wanted to
Things are just
They're really hard

And now I feel like
Well,
I feel like dying?
I have hate
I hate.
That's funny.
Things are bad.
I had a dream about you.
And now
It's really
well, it's really hard

I will take my autism/moon stickers now, pls & ty
 
I just got JEWED. A drink that used to be 100% juice changed, without any change other than on the back label, to 18% juice sugar shit. Mother FUCK this!
 
Pale Empress said:
I am putting this here because I don't know where else to put it. I had a breakup recently and I'm deep in my cups and I needed someplace to put this.

9Cheers.

There was a time when I dated somebody and when they had a hard time they would hold onto me and hold onto me and say in a sad voice,
"this is really hard,"
It was a moment of respite and reality and clarity, I knew it was. I'd hold onto them and they would whisper, "it's really hard."

And in twilight I would hold onto them.
Things are really hard.
I would kiss their cheeks and put them to bed.
Things are really hard.
Your friends are dead
I don't know them
even when I wanted to
Things are just
They're really hard

And now I feel like
Well,
I feel like dying?
I have hate
I hate.
That's funny.
Things are bad.
I had a dream about you.
And now
It's really
well, it's really hard

I will take my autism/moon stickers now, pls & ty
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Just if it's of interest, there's a poetry thread for people's own compositions, in the Art & Literature forum. It's a mix of types - some funny, some serious, some rhyming, some blank verse.

I'm sorry for your situation, regardless. Breakups really hurt.

Otterly said:
This kind of thing will be illegal when I rule the world.
I had the same shock tasting Nutella after they put palm oil in it.
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Different sources say different things about the notion that lead pipes precipitated the decline of the Roman Empire. Some say just an urban myth, others say contributing factor. But what I will say is that in the modern age with the number of radical changes we make to our food and our environment in a way that is not localised but wholesale across the developed world, something we do is one day going to be a disaster. Whether that's suddenly palm oil being in nearly everything, some vaccine or likely something we've not even considered, the whole notion of trials before widespread adoption seems completely absent from the world in the pursuit of this quarter's profit - and it's going to fucking bite us one day.

Sorry - this is the How are you doing, thread? I put my desk back into standing mode and have had most of the day at it, so I am now feeling quite happy about sitting down. I'll get used to it again in the coming weeks. It is nice to be able to step around as I work or do a little dance when something works.
 
Not Great

That episode of Seinfeld where George realizes his instincts about everything are wrong comes to mind.

I don't like anything about myself and I will continue to make myself miserable forever. I don’t like how I look, how I dress, how I talk, my hobbies, my interests, my attitude, my ambition, my wants, my worries, my indecision, all of it. I hate having to constantly put up a front for people. For so long I just coped and convinced myself I was actually just misunderstood, but no I just suck and most people are way better and happier than I am. I have screwed up, I will just work my shity desk job forever; go home to my shity apartment and play with useless junk until I'm dead. I pool all the money I don't spend for a future that doesn't exist. I put myself into this position, how on earth am I (the retard who fucked it all up in the first place) supposed to correct any of this? Or do I just have to accept that me and my life will suck and it's my fault. Fear of going to hell and making my mom sad are keeping me around but I just don't want to feel like complete shit all the time.
 
There is no word I hate more than "Common sense"

"You should know that's not what you're supposed to do, it's common sense"
"Obviously that's not ok to say, it's common sense"
"You're lying, there's no way you don't know that. It's common. fucking. sense."

It's a word I'm very well acquainted with, I've been hearing it my entire life. Every single step I take, every action I make, is WRONG ERRRRR INCORRECT WRONG and how was I supposed to know it's wrong? COMMON SENSE SHOULD'VE TOLD ME

Well, UNFORTUNATELY I do not possess this so called "common sense" you have. How could I when you're speaking in lalaland language? Straight up nonsensical shit. You tell me to do something, I do it, and then it's "OMG Home no I was being sarcastic"... How was?? I supposed to know that?????? It's INSANE, how am I supposed to know ANY OF THIS??? "That's rude", "That's weird", "That gives off the impression of--" GIVE ME THE MANUAL give me the manual you CLEARLY came out of the womb with cause APPARENTLY I gotta do some fuckin studying.

I just don't knoooow??? I don't know what's normal and I don't get why EVERYONE expects me to know it. There's either something wrong with the entire world or something wrong with me, and if you smell shit everywhere you should probably check under your shoe. But WHAT is wrong with me, like am I just stupid??? Ugh. It feels like I'm an alien from planet Meep Morp and whilst I'm thinking in terms of Meep Morpian, everyone else is thinking in terms of Earth so there's this frequent miscommunication but it's not MY FAULT I WAS BORN ON MEEP MORP DAMN

I know the first response is "autism" but part of me feels like I'm just too normal to be autistic, I managed to keep one IRL friend, I stopped pissing myself at 10, and I'm not into schizo theories like people say autists are supposed to be into, most of my interests are troonslop or just weird things like TV guides. I've only been kicked out of an establishment for being too weird once, and I am good enough at pretending to have normal conversation I feel. I think? Not really tbh, I should get better.
 
Muskie said:
I don't like anything about myself and I will continue to make myself miserable forever. I don’t like how I look, how I dress, how I talk, my hobbies, my interests, my attitude, my ambition, my wants, my worries, my indecision, all of it. I hate having to constantly put up a front for people. For so long I just coped and convinced myself I was actually just misunderstood, but no I just suck and most people are way better and happier than I am. I have screwed up, I will just work my shity desk job forever; go home to my shity apartment and play with useless junk until I'm dead. I pool all the money I don't spend for a future that doesn't exist. I put myself into this position, how on earth am I (the retard who fucked it all up in the first place) supposed to correct any of this? Or do I just have to accept that me and my life will suck and it's my fault. Fear of going to hell and making my mom sad are keeping me around but I just don't want to feel like complete shit all the time.
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Find some kind of hobby to be passionate about and meet other people who are passionate about it (be it online or in person). When that doesn't work, move on to another hobby. Repeat until happy. At the very least, that's what I've been telling myself and what I've been trying. Sometimes it kind of works.

Edit:
Getmeout said:
but part of me feels like I'm just too normal to be autistic
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Hate to break it to you, but you're posting on the KiwiFarms. I don't think most of us here are exactly normal-normal.
 
Getmeout said:
I stopped pissing myself at 10,
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Don’t beat yourself up about that - nocturnal dryness is brain maturation. Anyone who has potty trained multiple toddlers will tell you that - daytime is under conscious control but night requires a specific maturation of some hormonal axis or other. A child has zero control over this.
Can you give examples of a thing you didn’t know? Because sometimes Autists get things wrong that are ‘obvious’ but also sometimes people give you bad advice if I at ructions then cover up by saying it’s your fault and you should have known.
 
Muskie said:
I don't like anything about myself and I will continue to make myself miserable forever.
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omg TWIIIIIINSSSS
long waters said:
Find some kind of hobby to be passionate about and meet other people who are passionate about it (be it online or in person). When that doesn't work, move on to another hobby. Repeat until happy. At the very least, that's what I've been telling myself and what I've been trying. Sometimes it kind of works.

Edit:

Hate to break it to you, but you're posting on the KiwiFarms. I don't think most of us here are exactly normal-normal.
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This this this. Fake it till you make it, or whatever. It's fucking difficult but when it works, it works.
The real problem is when you keep throwing shit at a wall, hoping it sticks, and then something sticks but you don't feel the rewards in your head in any way.
It's tiring.
 
long waters said:
Find some kind of hobby to be passionate about and meet other people who are passionate about it (be it online or in person). When that doesn't work, move on to another hobby. Repeat until happy. At the very least, that's what I've been telling myself and what I've been trying. Sometimes it kind of works.
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That's the thing I've got hobbies, I have friends but it all just feels like a giant distraction. I feel stuck, dropping these and replacing them with somthing else comparable makes no difference. I find enjoyment in these things but it's temporary. My interest are lame and make for poor socializing but even if I got new ones its just all cope. It goes back to putting on a face for people, why do I need to constantly need to reinvent myself to feel happy?
 
Muskie said:
I find enjoyment in these things but it's temporary.
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Such is the nature of enjoyment. As I've gotten older I've grown more accepting of this. I just try to enjoy what I enjoy when I can and don't worry about the rest...
Muskie said:
My interest are lame
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You shouldn't be saying that about your own interests. Even if they might seem lame to others, they're your interests for a reason, so surely there must be something about them that you think is cool.
Muskie said:
why do I need to constantly need to reinvent myself to feel happy?
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You previously said you don't like yourself and have some things you've fucked up in the past. Could this be something like you not allowing yourself to be happy? As in, you have things that could and should make you happy, but for some reason they don't, so maybe it's because through your self loathing you are punishing yourself by not letting yourself be happy or something of that nature?
 
Otterly said:
Can you give examples of a thing you didn’t know? Because sometimes Autists get things wrong that are ‘obvious’ but also sometimes people give you bad advice if I at ructions then cover up by saying it’s your fault and you should have known.
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I can think of many stories, but one that comes off the top of my head is when I asked my friend if I could punch her for fun, and she sarcastically said "Sure" and I actually punched her in the stomach so hard she doubled over. My friend always retells it when I say I'm probably not autistic. I was so sure she was being legit.
 
Unbelievably miserable, Family problems, chronic and rare health issues, mental heath is in the shitter. being alone with nobody to really talk to about said issues
and worst of all my birthday is tomorrow and nobody is even going to give a shit, i'm going to be all alone on it
Just trying to keep my head above water so i don't intentionally jump off the deep end.
 
Getmeout said:
I can think of many stories, but one that comes off the top of my head is when I asked my friend if I could punch her for fun, and she sarcastically said "Sure" and I actually punched her in the stomach so hard she doubled over. My friend always retells it when I say I'm probably not autistic. I was so sure she was being legit.
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Sorry that's some serious autism.
 
Muskie said:
That's the thing I've got hobbies, I have friends but it all just feels like a giant distraction. I feel stuck, dropping these and replacing them with somthing else comparable makes no difference. I find enjoyment in these things but it's temporary. My interest are lame and make for poor socializing but even if I got new ones its just all cope. It goes back to putting on a face for people, why do I need to constantly need to reinvent myself to feel happy?
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If it helps at all, I definitely get this feeling. In my case, it's the whole BPD/AvPD comorbidity thing, but experiencing chronic emptiness is obviously a non-specific symptom, and I'm sure that it sucks more ass than a turd vacuum at the constipation clinic the night after Taco Tuesday even when it's isolated and idiosyncratic. Some subjective details of that emptiness, along with the right response, probably do depend on the cause, though. Case in point, someone living with constant feelings of emptiness due to uncomplicated Major Depressive Disorder may have some neurotransmitter issues - more complex than just increasing synaptic serotonin levels, but still something more organic that responds reasonably well to medication in many cases. I, on the other hand, lost out on the developmental stage where a child starts developing a stable sense of individual personhood because I had long since been inadvertently taught to see myself as subhuman for what are now obviously minor childhood developmental issues, leaving me without the capacity for meaningful internal validation. If it's been done by me for myself, I just don't really care about it. I'm sure that I have an identity, most people see me as relatively consistent in my interests and overarching traitsz see those all as interconnected with each other and my other traits in ways that I can't, and have never told me that I act like different people even when my mood shifts wildly. Without an identity based in any group, demographic, belief system, hobby, social network, trait, or interest, though, meaning only exists when others validate something. That's a lot of ennui between ambiguous islands of defined purpose, and fluoxetine sure as hell isn't fixing that.

I'm honestly curious, for people who know (including you, if this is a later-onset symptom) what it's like  not to default back to emptiness and to feel real, if only to yourself, meaning in the things that someone enjoys in private without ever sharing. This isn't meant to be a dramatic thing, it's an awkward question in person and one where answers online often mistake severe boredom (which also sucks, and the two do very often intersect) or MDD for existential emptiness. I have about as much idea of what it's like to see myself as an important entity in my life as I do with being a bat.
 
if you have ocd (the life-derailing kind, not the "teehee i arrange my sock drawer" kind), you should really consider supplementing NAC. it's probably not gonna completely cure you, but woah nelly it might really make a difference
 
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