Culture ‘Hell on earth’: Men share why they avoid singles nights - Men in our community shared candid accounts of why singles nights hold little appeal for them, citing fear of public rejection, dating fatigue and a preference for more organic ways of meeting partners

Men in our community shared candid accounts of why singles nights hold little appeal for them, citing fear of public rejection, dating fatigue and a preference for more organic ways of meeting partners​

Monday 02 March 2026 09:08 EST
(Link) | (Ghost Archive)


Dating nights aren't for everyone (iStock)

Olivia Petter’s report on the challenges of getting men to attend singles nights prompted a flood of responses from male readers sharing their own experiences of dating.

Rather than rejecting the premise outright, many used the comments to explain why events like these hold little appeal for them personally.

A recurring theme was discomfort with structured, high-pressure formats such as speed dating, which several described as “forced”, “synthetic” or akin to a job interview.

Men spoke about feeling exposed in environments where rejection plays out publicly, arguing that the expectation to be instantly charming, funny and confident creates an uneven dynamic. Some said they preferred meeting partners organically – through friends, shared hobbies, travel or everyday life – where connection develops more naturally and without an audience.

Others reflected more broadly on modern dating. A number of commenters said they had opted out of formal dating altogether, citing exhaustion with apps, perceived imbalances in effort, or a sense that expectations have become transactional and over-analysed.

Here’s what you had to say:

Men shoulder most of the effort in dating​

As a single man who has largely given up on dating, articles like this complaining about men while making out that women are great sum up why.

I’m expected to put the vast majority of effort into dating. I take the risk of rejection in doing the asking out, I arrange the date, usually carry the conversation, frequently am expected to pay, then this process repeats for future dates. The majority of women I met seemed to think turning up was all that’s required for me to ‘woo’ them. In return, I’ve had women ghost, cancel last minute after I’ve paid for tickets, complain about the venue, say things like I should be grateful they turned up at all after they arrived almost an hour late (extreme lateness was very common, often followed by a dismissive comment about how I should put up with it because I’m a man).

Clearly there are issues women experience too, but the big difference from my perspective is effort. Women expect everything to be done for them and, other than their appearance, don’t invest much in the early dating stages. I’ve never once had a woman ‘bound right up’ and ask me out, never had a woman pay, never felt like they were making the effort to keep me entertained, never had them suggest or arrange a date. They frequently complain about men’s failings yet seem to have zero awareness of their own.

I’m in my 40s now, so I’m not that bothered about sex or flings. I have good friends and enough going on that I don't want to waste time on something that just isn't enjoyable. If the other person was making a similar level of effort, then I may feel differently. The level of entitlement is ridiculous though – it frequently felt like dealing with teenagers, unable to show any initiative or reciprocation.

Andy

Men are used to being rejected​

Attending an event like this is a higher risk for men. Social vulnerability is something men are culturally punished for showing. Men are used to being rejected; women are often the ones rejecting. Experiencing this again, but with an audience, can't be that tempting.

This type of event also favours verbal fluency, emotional expressiveness, and social confidence – traits that suit how the average woman socialises better than men. You describe this as men suffering from pride or a lack of motivation, completely ignoring that the format itself is flawed.

If you want something more than that, involve some sort of activity. Add some sort of competition with built-in conversation starters. A quiz? Cooking? Cocktail-making competition? Why not a go-kart event? A great night regardless of the social outcome.

My two best dates were a trip to IKEA and one where that girl showed me some great biking paths in the forest. The latter one is now my wife.

Daniel

Many of us are socially awkward​

I met the women I ended up marrying on a backpacking trip: she was camping with three other women and I was by myself. No force on earth could have compelled me to enter an event such as the writer describes. Of course, I was (and am) socially awkward – but so are so many of us.

I can't recall how my children met their partners, but we had one recent success. Through my wife's friend, we got to know a man who had been a friend of one of her children. He seemed like a nice guy with no partner. But he was VERY quiet. Our daughters had a female friend who had no partner and who they described as being really nice, so we old folks went into action. Our daughters approached their friend, who sent them a list of questions – "Does he have kids? Has he been married? Does he smoke? Does he have a job?" – which they passed on to us to get the answers. Things worked out. Yay! Matchmaking lives!

soccerdad

Dates are like job interviews​

I wonder if the psychology of the modern dating game just appeals more to women than men?

I'm in my early fifties now. In my teens, people were either very much in a relationship or not; the idea of going on a date with someone to see if you wanted a relationship was something alien we saw on American television. By my thirties, I'd largely opted out of the whole thing.

The idea of going on a date which was effectively a job interview seemed a very unappealing way of spending an evening when there was the alternative of doing something I enjoyed. If I met somebody that way, well and good; if not, it didn't matter – I was out having fun, doing things I wanted to do. I met women who were attracted to me and I not them, women to whom I was attracted and they not me, and on it went.

Eventually I met the woman who is now my wife quite by accident, through friends.

I did once, for a magazine article I agreed to write, go to a speed-dating night. It was hell on earth for me – I hated it. I dabbled very briefly with internet dating as well, but never went on a date because I never saw anyone I thought would be a match. It all felt pointless.

PadraigMahone

Let things happen naturally​

It was the same decades ago. I once got asked to join a speed-dating night as there weren't enough men. I'd just had a bad accident, so I explained to the organiser that I was in no fit state to go looking for a date; I'd come just for the fun of it.

I had to fill in a form where you had to describe yourself in three words. Assuming I would get no dates whatsoever, I wrote "toothless, not heartless." Then I sat down with each girl and explained I was here just for fun – because, well, look at the state of me.

To my surprise, every single girl put me top of their list – and even the girl organising the event asked me out. The other guys didn't get a look in because they were trying to be "sensitive, caring, and kind" like they had written down –and this went absolutely nowhere.

There's a serious point here – men don't like dating events because they feel forced and synthetic. The format itself runs against the grain of how many men are wired to court. Being lined up for inspection, filling in forms, rotating on a timer – not just uncomfortable, but actively undermines the qualities that tend to make men attractive in the first place: spontaneity, confidence, a bit of mystery. Hard to be mysterious when you're wearing a name badge. It doesn't feel particularly "blokey" to offer yourself out for selection.

Dating events aren't struggling because men are emotionally stunted or commitment-averse – they're failing because the environment selects against natural confidence and rewards a kind of performed sensitivity that most people, including the women attending, can smell from a mile off.

Far better to go, have some fun, and let things happen naturally – even when you're least expecting it!

Sneaker

I’d head to an event over an app​

I have to say that for someone who hasn't been dating for 30 years, this goes against what I would have expected – i.e., men outnumbering women 15:1 rather than the other way round.

If I ever found myself dating again, I'd have thought I'd head to an event like this long before I'd join an app, to be honest. But maybe that's just me.

GoodGriefCharlieBrown

Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.

 

[Mister Fister]

kindness costs nothing. sperging about how women are all whores and men are the devil which may be true will make you jaded and retarded and when someone truly special comes all they're gonna see is another jaded faggit and move on instantly

Powerleving, I'm a former Incel. That attitude cost me way too many chances with women.

 

[Falcos_Commisar]

Brutal humiliation ritual. Back in my day we went to the pub/club and if you liked the person (or one or both of you were pissed enough) you got a shag out of it. I genuinely think I'd be a seething incel if I came of age in current year. I'm not hideous or poor or that boring but I'm also not chad.

You'd be a ok if you're fine settling with a fatty or a single mother (also probably fat)

 

[Ingmar Aspergman]

I tried looking into some in my area, and the minimum ages was 35, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try but I decided that it would lol.

 

[yolotengo]

When you boil it all down:
>Why aren’t men attending singes’ events?
Insufficient incentive.
>Why is the incentive insufficient?
If the women on offer were keepers, they wouldn’t be single in the first place.

There’s an old misogynist joke that goes like this:
>Women who don’t cook, clean or suck dick are always asking “where are all the good men?”
>They’re relaxing in a clean house after a nice meal and looking forward to getting their dick sucked later.

Eh. Disagree. There are a lot of women who give men their all and go overboard cooking, cleaning, dicksucking trying to prove how wifely they are and men reject them because that sort of behaviour is desperate and gross.

Real men still love the thrill of the chase and they have the self esteem to be knocked back a few times and continue to pursue. Men who are long term single and complain about women really just want to be the woman in the scenario - they want to be pursued and courted and have a woman "prove themselves" to them. A traditional man doesnt need a woman to prove herself because he's not going to waste his time pursuing and wooing a woman who isnt already girlfriend/wife material.

If a man isnt actively pursuing a woman then he isnt into her. That said, the way some women behave around men is crass and off-putting so it doesnt surprise me so many are long term single complaining about "no good men." They aren't good women.

The art of dating, flirting, pursuing has been lost. It really is an art, a skill. Everyone comparing it to sales is bang on. Rejection, the chase, courtship, sealing the deal.

 

[The Punished Mitch]

There are a lot of women who give men their all and go overboard cooking, cleaning, dicksucking trying to prove how wifely they are and men reject them because that sort of behaviour is desperate and gross.

She should've been more confident about it.

 

[Sexual Chocolate]

Eh. Disagree. There are a lot of women who give men their all and go overboard cooking, cleaning, dicksucking trying to prove how wifely they are and men reject them because that sort of behaviour is desperate and gross.

The BJs stop fast after you marry them anyway.

But I'm ok with that, because she kisses my children with that mouth.

Men who are long term single and complain about women really just want to be the woman in the scenario - they want to be pursued and courted and have a woman "prove themselves" to them

Many such cases! It's why @Qonas keeps dumb-voting my posts.

The art of dating, flirting, pursuing has been lost.

Do kids even make mixtapes for each other anymore? The little things are important.

 

[SITHRAK!]

There are a lot of women who give men their all and go overboard cooking, cleaning, dicksucking trying to prove how wifely they are and men reject them because that sort of behaviour is desperate and gross.

I’m confident you could count women in this category on one hand.

Real men

No True Scotsman fallacy.

If a man isnt actively pursuing a woman then he isnt into her.

Or, more likely, he’s taken on board a decade or more of ‘don’t approach women, it’s creepy’.

Don’t forget that the ‘6/6/6’ men with full heads of hair and gym bods don’t need to approach women, they get locked down fast (unless they want to play the field). Average guys- the ones that aren’t swamped in moist gussets and flirty arm-touches all day long- are the ones who value and desire women and relationships, because scarcity creates demand.

I don’t know whether you’re a female or just an inexperienced man, but your post just doesn’t ring true to this veteran of the gender wars.

Nah, that's faggot talk. Listen - they won't stop bitching and nagging just because you cleaned the toilet.
Never do housework, that's women's work. When she complains, just remind her you bought her a house.

I’ve been married for fourteen years and sharing the duties works for us. Takes all kinds, amigo. And we buy houses together so we can retire in our 50’s and pursue fun things together.

Plus I’m a really really good cook and she can’t so much as boil pasta, why would I want her cooking?

 

[yolotengo]

I’m confident you could count women in this category on one hand.

No True Scotsman fallacy.

Or, more likely, he’s taken on board a decade or more of ‘don’t approach women, it’s creepy’.

Don’t forget that the ‘6/6/6’ men with full heads of hair and gym bods don’t need to approach women, they get locked down fast (unless they want to play the field). Average guys- the ones that aren’t swamped in moist gussets and flirty arm-touches all day long- are the ones who value and desire women and relationships, because scarcity creates demand.

I don’t know whether you’re a female or just an inexperienced man, but your post just doesn’t ring true to this veteran of the gender wars.

You think attractive men with gym bods and heads full of hair etc - when it comes to choosing their girlfriend/wife/future fuck - just stand around to be chosen and pursued instead of picking the woman they find the hottest and pursuing her themselves? Lolllll.

You cant tell whether i'm female or an inexperienced man? Oh dear. How is it possible to be that obtuse? Opinion instantly disregarded.

 

[Sexual Chocolate]

Don’t forget that the ‘6/6/6’ men with full heads of hair and gym bods don’t need to approach women

Dude, that's not true at all.

 

[xX_rAcE_wAr_420_Xx]

Re: speed dating / singles' nights, it's one of those fascinating things where everyone involved feels like they're above the whole thing. Like YOU'RE better than the rest, you don't NEED to stoop to it but it would be fun to try! Not like these OTHER losers! Granted, most aren't going to have this attitude consciously, but everyone probably thinks it a little in the back of their head. And that's kind of fair, there's a well-known psychological phenomenon where people will give themselves (and people they like) the benefit of the doubt in unfortunate situations, but assume that total strangers deserve it. I'm driving fast because I'm in a hurry, but that guy cut me off in traffic because he's an asshole.

Dating in general, where do you meet people? It's become impolite to hit on people in public, plus everyone is looking at their phone the whole time anyway. Lots of younger people go around all day wearing headphones, people sitting at a coffee shop are staring at their phone and/or listening to something, nobody under 40 goes to the grocery store. You can participate in a hobby to meet people but a lot of them are very gender-imbalanced, and it's similarly creepy / weird / desperate to join a hobby to try to pick up girls. There's exactly one girl playing in your local Dungeons and Dragons group, and all the dudes are hitting on her anyway. Even total doomers like Hoe_Math will tell you the key is to meet people and strike up actual rapport. Most of those "women find 80% of men unattractive" studies are for strangers, and (allegedly) people warm up to each other once they get to know them. But of course, then there's the awkward situation of "I thought we were friends, but you just wanted to sleep with me", so that can be difficult if you botch it.

Ultimately, society took something that inherently involves subtext and nuance and demanded that it have explicit, enthusiastic consent; incidentally, asking a girl "hey just to be clear, are you okay with me talking to you?" makes you sound like a colossal fag. Basically nothing about dating has changed, except we took away all the ways to facilitate it and also removed most of the grace and understanding for people who aren't already good at it.

You cant tell whether i'm female or an inexperienced man? Oh dear. How is it possible to be that obtuse? Opinion instantly disregarded.

You type like a Redditor, so it's kind of hard to tell which applies.

 

[SITHRAK!]

stand around to be chosen and pursued instead of picking the woman they find the hottest and pursuing her themselves?

They will have a roster of choices, yes. To paraphrase from earlier in the thread, “women will let a man know if she’s interested”. Average guys don’t have a harem waiting in the wings.

And this goes back to the scarcity of men at singles’ nights. The ‘desirable’ men are taken by their 30’s and 40’s and the women that go these events have almost universally spent their lives chasing the ‘desirables’ but never made the cut. Why ‘pursue’ a woman who’s going to grudgingly settle for you?

You cant tell whether i'm female or an inexperienced man

Yes, because your stated opinions seem immature and unrealistic and not informed by the lived experience of most of the grown men I know, let alone most of the other people in this thread. Any other questions?

Dude, that's not true at all.

Dude, I’ve lived the entire spectrum from incel to being chased by multiple women, which varied based on my geographic location, personal mindset and income levels. I can tell you from personal experience you don’t need to chase jack shit when you have four women competing to get under you and spread ‘em. YMMV and that’s okay.

 

[yolotengo]

Dude, I’ve lived the entire spectrum from incel

It must have affected you greatly, you have an incel mindset/worldview.

BTW, only certain women chase men. Traditional women wouldn't be caught dead chasing a man.

 

[SITHRAK!]

It must have affected you greatly, you have an incel mindset/worldview.

>happily married man in successful relationship has an ‘incel mindset’

BTW, only certain women chase men. Traditional women wouldn't be caught dead chasing a man.

No True Scotsman again, and a motte and bailey as well. You’re really bad at this.

 

[Sexual Chocolate]

Dating in general, where do you meet people?

You can find nice girls at church. Or volunteering at the animal shelter. Lot of nice girls there. Or get involved in charity, such as working with retards.

 

[SITHRAK!]

You can find nice girls at church. Or volunteering at the animal shelter. Lot of nice girls there. Or get involved in charity, such as working with retards.

You can also find horrible cluster B women at those things as well… choose wisely young man.

 

[yolotengo]

>happily married man in successful relationship has an ‘incel mindset’


No True Scotsman again, and a motte and bailey as well. You’re really bad at this.

Its interesting that you've misinterpreted that to think i'm inferring that you're single or even unhappy.

Quite defensive. Its understandable.

But no, i'm inferring something else entirely.

 

[SITHRAK!]

Its interesting that you've misinterpreted that to think i'm inferring that you're single or even unhappy.

Quite defensive. Its understandable.

But no, i'm inferring something else entirely.

If you’re too stupid to know the difference between ’infer’ and ‘imply’, the only inference that’s justified is that you are way out of your depth.

You have a magical Disney day.

 

[yolotengo]

You can find nice girls at church. Or volunteering at the animal shelter. Lot of nice girls there. Or get involved in charity, such as working with retards.

Adding to this: literally anywhere but a Dungeons and Dragons group.

Fuck me dead. I'm praying this wasn't said in earnest.

But also meeting nice girls locally if you live in a good community at the local bar (or pub as we Australians call it) especially if they have certain nights on - live music, trivia, comedy nights. Anything community spirited and fun.

 

[Sexual Chocolate]

Addimg to this: literally anywhere but a Dungeons and Dragons group.

Fuck me dead. I'm praying this wasn't said in earnest.

But also meeting nice girls locally if you live in a good community at the local bar (or pub as we Australians call it) especially if they have certain nights on - live music, trivia, comedy nights. Anything community spirited and fun.

And if that doesn't work,

 

[Lady Bizness]

Fuck me dead.

or repeal the 19th. These are your only dating options fellas. Good luck out there.