💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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The Blood Stain thing bothered me too. I'm pretty sure bloodstain is supposed to be just one word. She also could have just written "blood" and that would have been fine.
This brings me to something that's been bothering me for awhile now, but I couldn't really quite put my finger on why. The "prophecy" that she seems particularly proud of, "when the two silver birds attack the twin brothers." It's mentioned time and time again and also I believe it was retconned in later, meaning she had a lot of time to come up with it. It's mentioned often and given a lot of prominence in her movie and book blurbs.
Anyway, it really doesn't make much sense. I don't really know what goes into writing a good prophecy but this isn't it. First of all, silver birds, ok, fantasy people wouldn't know what planes are I guess. Sure. OK. Twin brothers though? Fantasy people don't have towers? To us living in the real world, the "prophecy" is about as subtle as someone screaming "9/11!!!!!" but if you did live in Maradonia or whatever and heard that you'd end up with the mental image of two guys frantically swatting at shiny birds trying to peck them to death.

Yes I know I'm probably over-thinking it and she's a bad writer etc. but it's been bugging me for awhile.
 
DykesDykesChina said:
Wait a sec...

lE6uDI1.jpg


Die-Wartburg.jpg


Looks like they took a picture of Wartburg and shopped some moar Harry Potter style towers on it.
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No, it's a stock photo of a real castle called Alcázar of Sergovia

(edit)

Here's the stock image
 
Gloria and Dr. Garry could really cut down the budget if they made the film just two and a half hours of Evil King Guy shouting things into the camera. He's the fucking best.

"Go for the kill. Go....for the kill!"
 
meltychocolate said:
Imagine playing FATAL while Maradonia is going in the background
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You've just spent four hours making a character who dies within one minute of game play because he slipped on a magic banana peel, summoned a horde of gay ogres, and failed his anal circumferance check. As you attempt the quadratic equation that will tell you exactly how much of your adventurer is left, the "Maradonia, Maradonia" song comes on for the 12th time.
And you realize that you're in hell.
 
I really want to watch the trailer, but I can't bring myself to click the Play button. I can feel the potential secondhand embarrassment rolling off the screen in waves.
 
bradsternum said:
OH GOD DID YOU WATCH THE PREVIEW? Holy shit it's so wonderfully incoherent and awful! They even got a tiny black dwarf!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=2-ZOOPwwHMY
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I'm just checking this cow out for the first time and never heard of her, but holy shit, I love how hilariously bad and cheesy this whole trailer is, not to mention how really inconsistent the film quality is. I couldn't stop laughing at the piss poor special effects and acting worse than what you'd find in some really low budget movie.
 
meltychocolate said:
This brings me to something that's been bothering me for awhile now, but I couldn't really quite put my finger on why. The "prophecy" that she seems particularly proud of, "when the two silver birds attack the twin brothers." It's mentioned time and time again and also I believe it was retconned in later, meaning she had a lot of time to come up with it. It's mentioned often and given a lot of prominence in her movie and book blurbs.
Anyway, it really doesn't make much sense. I don't really know what goes into writing a good prophecy but this isn't it. First of all, silver birds, ok, fantasy people wouldn't know what planes are I guess. Sure. OK. Twin brothers though? Fantasy people don't have towers? To us living in the real world, the "prophecy" is about as subtle as someone screaming "9/11!!!!!" but if you did live in Maradonia or whatever and heard that you'd end up with the mental image of two guys frantically swatting at shiny birds trying to peck them to death.
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Gloria has a thing for bird harassment. When Maya first hears the call to go to Maradonia, she's drowning in a pool. The doorman (who is conveniently also the lifeguard) gets attacked by doves who lead him over to the pool.

This new prophesy reminds me of those chain letters going around after 9/11 about how the Quran predicted the U.S. invading Afghanistan. I'm not sure what drove her to make it up, but logic (and tact) isn't her strong point.
 
Thank you for your valuable time to read this profile, which might give you a glimpse of who I am, what I stand for and what I am doing. For several years I traveled worldwide as a Christian Motivation Speaker, mainly teaching teachers in foreign countries. I have two doctorates in Philosophy and in Theology, wrote several Christian Books in English and in German and produced some smaller education films. For the last eighteen month I directed and created a Feature Epic Movie: ‘Maradonia and the Shadow Empire’, a film for children and young adults – like Narnia – with over 230 actors, horses, bowmen, sword fighters, lions. tigers etc. The theater premier should be at the end of March. However, I live with my ten year old son and my Golden Retriever at Lake Tarpon, Palm Harbor. I am a very outgoing, honest, peaceful, generous and forgiving person, with excellent health and connections – I exercise nearly every day - I love the Beach and the Ocean – I like to travel, to swim, play Tennis, Soccer and the Movies. I am going to Church, honor God and read his Word. I believe in the Power of Prayer and I would like to meet ‘the One ’, a woman who loves God, is honest, trustworthy, gentle and kind, but also funny and a loving, warmhearted character who loves children and does not live a secret life, play’s games or loves drama. If you feel that you might be the one I am looking forward meeting you as soon as possible- knowing also that Age is only a Number. Please send me an e-mail -include your picture with some info - and I will certainly answer and contact you immediately.
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Rbf6X.jpg


You know, after all this time, I've never actually read the desrpition for the last book, Maradonia and the Battle for the Key. I'm positivily tickled to find how delightfully spergy it is- dinophants AND ancient roman senators! How uniquely tesch!

also, gloria? book titles go in italics or get underlined. They don't go in quotation marks. You're 23. You really should know this. Microsoft Word knows this. How has this escaped you for so many years?
 
littlebiscuits said:
Rbf6X.jpg


You know, after all this time, I've never actually read the desrpition for the last book, Maradonia and the Battle for the Key. I'm positivily tickled to find how delightfully spergy it is- dinophants AND ancient roman senators! How uniquely tesch!

also, gloria? book titles go in italics or get underlined. They don't go in quotation marks. You're 23. You really should know this. Microsoft Word knows this. How has this escaped you for so many years?
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Room had to be made for her rapping career.
 
Phil Ken Sebben said:
You realize that the "distribution" in this case will probably be the following.

They'll rent out a small theater for the night, have a red carpet affair complete with paparazzi and possibly the guy from "Celebrity Soup" do a red carpet interview with Gloria and her co-stars. They'll have a champagne reception. Then it's a private showing for the cast, crew and their friends. People will tell Gloria how good her movie is. Then it's either a catered dinner or a trip to a banquet hall for the after party.

Normal people like ourselves will probably never get to see this masterpiece and my life is not going to be complete unless I can get a copy.
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Yep. What I was really saying is that there's just zillions of little details that anyone with any experience about... anything will call bullshit on. ("Random fantasy movie, sounds interesting. Wonder when it's coming out here? ...No dates? Wait, what is this, no mention of any actual release details anywhere, even who is distributing the film? That's worrying...") Meanwhile, Gloria isn't questioning anything. ("My movie has a website! And it says it's soon in theaters!!! How could I believe anything otherwise?")

Randall Fragg said:
You've just spent four hours making a character who dies within one minute of game play because he slipped on a magic banana peel, summoned a horde of gay ogres, and failed his anal circumferance check. As you attempt the quadratic equation that will tell you exactly how much of your adventurer is left, the "Maradonia, Maradonia" song comes on for the 12th time.
And you realize that you're in hell.
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Meanwhile, the author of FATAL is pleased that yet another 100% REALISTIC depiction of middle ages is taking place. He starts making plans for the official FATAL Maradonia supplement. (Table §192.44.627: Roll 5d100/5+1-1d4 to determine by which object or landmark the dumbshit is. Chapter 1: Official rules for adapting prophecies of September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks to REALISTIC medieval low fantasy genre. Chapter 11: Motion picture production financing.)
 
bradsternum said:
Sorry I didn't read that, @CWCissey, I just got caught up in the excitement. My favorite part is when the guy eats the head of the clearly fake snake.
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"Why is this banana moving?!"

littlebiscuits said:
Maradonia and the Battle for the Key
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"The teenagers slip away into a state of unconsciousness, until they reach a strange place."
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"We were somewhere around Maradonia on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold..."
 
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