💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

[bradsternum]

The sad thing is, self-publishing could be a really amazing thing, akin to what Youtube is (supposed to be) for filmmakers - a way to get quality content to an audience without having to play the bullshit corporate games. But, like Youtube, self-publishing is overrun with ego-maniacal douches who want fame, money, and have no desire to improve their craft.

 

[trip2themoon]

Yeah, the artwork is hit and miss a lot of the time, though I haven't seen all of the chapter artwork (doesn't each chapter have its' own little picture to go with it?) Her mother's art isn't Chris-level, obviously, but it's not great either. For example, let's look at the woman's face:

Sorry about the line down the middle; it didn't match up perfectly and I think I got the bit of the monster face in my selection too. (I actually didn't realize it, but the cover picture seems to be on an angle?) As you can see, aside from the fact that this woman seems to be still living in the 1980s, what with her huge hair and excess makeup, the proportions in general just seem off -- sure, her face is divided up into thirds as it should be, but stuff like the size of the eyes, eyebrows, and lips just seems too big or too small for a face of that size. Maybe, and I'm being generous here, the artist only drew the half of the face and didn't intend for it to be mirrored, but that just makes it look even worse.

And I'm seconding what MysticMisty said about the hair -- in this case, less is more. I see a lot of artists make that exact same mistake, where they think that realistic hair means detailing everything. Not to mention the way it falls is just weird to me -- it's relatively close to the head at the top, but seems to get bushier as it falls down the side of her face. I'm not even going to get into how flat the face looks -- she didn't need a lot of shading, but some shading around the bridge of the nose, where the eye sockets would be, would do wonders in making the nose appear less flat.

I'll admit, the monster side is kind of cool though -- the snake hairs (I assume) remind me of Medusa. You could probably say the scales on the skin are too detailed, though to me it doesn't come off as glaringly wrong because it's not real, if that makes sense.

It really does look like the cover of Porno now. It seems that out and out arrogance runs in the Tesch family.

 

[TheIncredibleLioness]

I know this one picture doesn't deserve this much thought, but the Porno comparison is pretty spot on -- she looks more like some sort of sex doll than a person. I tried redrawing her to see what I could do, and while this is absolute crap, having something like this side by side with the original is...interesting:

(Original doodle on the left, Tesch in the middle, and my sloppy coloured version on the right)

Of course, this isn't a fair comparison, since a) I did this in an hour, tops, so it's not my best work (whereas I'm sure that Mrs. Tesch put effort into hers), and
b) I used Photoshop, which as we all know, is blocky and low resolution compared to this brilliant example of hand artery

(Never mind that this unknown woman-monster never actually appears in the story; she's the first thing a potential reader will see, and while 'don't judge a book by its' cover' is a fine lesson...let's face it, people are going to make assumptions based on what they see.)

Okay, I'll stop spergin' over art now, since there are far worse things about this series than that. I just thought it was an interesting exercise and thought you might like to see.

 

[MysticMisty]

I know this one picture doesn't deserve this much thought, but the Porno comparison is pretty spot on -- she looks more like some sort of sex doll than a person.

I wouldn't be surprised if the references turned out to be women who were Playboy centerfolds. The image makes me think of Pamela Anderson: someone with a lot of bad plastic surgery, really awful dyed hair, and obviously waxed eyebrows.

 

[CalmMyTits]

Again, wonderful job with the pictures, I really like what you did with the third image. Kudos to you!

I self-publish, and have seen books that run the gamut from awful to good. I write reviews on Amazon and Goodreads for indie authors. Most of them are self-published, and their books (many of them are the author's first book) are (in my opinion) better than some longtime/famous authors because they took the time and effort to create an original and compelling story, and their effort showed, so they got good reviews from me. I've also got really good reviews on my work, and I didn't have to resort to sockpuppets like Ms. Tesch. (she actually wrote reviews for herself on Goodreads) I took the time to listen to constructive criticism and edited my work several times to make sure that I published my absolute best effort.

Of course, Ms. Tesch doesn't get good reviews from me. I've also come across a few authors who write just as crappily as her. One author I came across used sockpuppets to write reviews for himself, and had a small circle-jerk of several friends who wrote reviews for him (and didn't review anything else, so it was obvious they were friends of the author)

 

[trip2themoon]

I know this one picture doesn't deserve this much thought, but the Porno comparison is pretty spot on -- she looks more like some sort of sex doll than a person. I tried redrawing her to see what I could do, and while this is absolute crap, having something like this side by side with the original is...interesting:

(Original doodle on the left, Tesch in the middle, and my sloppy coloured version on the right)

Of course, this isn't a fair comparison, since a) I did this in an hour, tops, so it's not my best work (whereas I'm sure that Mrs. Tesch put effort into hers), and
b) I used Photoshop, which as we all know, is blocky and low resolution compared to this brilliant example of hand artery

(Never mind that this unknown woman-monster never actually appears in the story; she's the first thing a potential reader will see, and while 'don't judge a book by its' cover' is a fine lesson...let's face it, people are going to make assumptions based on what they see.)

Okay, I'll stop spergin' over art now, since there are far worse things about this series than that. I just thought it was an interesting exercise and thought you might like to see.

Don't sell yourself short. Your girl looks like a pretty young woman who has hair on her head and not like a blow up doll with a tin of Heinz spaghetti emptied on her head. If I ever need a book cover done I'd come to you before ever consider Mrs Tesch.

The bit in bold italic: I think the old saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" is only pertaining to the quality of the book, the cover art should be regarding what's in the book. Take Porno for example: Sick Boy is producing and directing a low budget Porno and his leading man is out of action due to a snapped erection (ouch) but Sick Boy stumbles across a 17 year old virgin in his pub toilets who happens to have a 12 inch dick. To help Curtis get some practise in he buys him the blonde haired blow up doll. I think the cover should always let you know a little of what's going on in the book and the fact that demon girl is not in that book show how retarded the Teschs are as both artists and writers.

 

[TheIncredibleLioness]

Again, wonderful job with the pictures, I really like what you did with the third image. Kudos to you!

I self-publish, and have seen books that run the gamut from awful to good. I write reviews on Amazon and Goodreads for indie authors. Most of them are self-published, and their books (many of them are the author's first book) are (in my opinion) better than some longtime/famous authors because they took the time and effort to create an original and compelling story, and their effort showed, so they got good reviews from me. I've also got really good reviews on my work, and I didn't have to resort to sockpuppets like Ms. Tesch. (she actually wrote reviews for herself on Goodreads) I took the time to listen to constructive criticism and edited my work several times to make sure that I published my absolute best effort.

Of course, Ms. Tesch doesn't get good reviews from me. I've also come across a few authors who write just as crappily as her. One author I came across used sockpuppets to write reviews for himself, and had a small circle-jerk of several friends who wrote reviews for him (and didn't review anything else, so it was obvious they were friends of the author)

Thanks! To me, it's kind of like redrawing Chris-chan's work (which I like seeing). Glad you like it, even if its a doodle.

Interns of writing, I can understand why Gloria doesn't think she needs to change - with Mom and Dad puffing up her ego, she probably thinks she's hot shit. But it's interesting that there doesn't seem to be any natural evolution in her writing style -- you'd think if she reads a lot and likes a book, she might try to copy another authors style, which would be terrible, but it'd be something. She doesn't even try that!

Of course, the parents pushing this are to blame as well. If they'd told Gloria that maybe she needed a few years to develop her craft, rather than run straight in to self publishing, things might've been different. Of course, as we've seen, arrogance and a desire for fame run in the family...

I haven't seen the Goodreads reviews, but I know some of her supporters (they were too well written/coherent to be her) were writing five star reviews on Amazon. Was there anything really funny about them, or was it more of the usual?

 

[trip2themoon]

Again, wonderful job with the pictures, I really like what you did with the third image. Kudos to you!

I self-publish, and have seen books that run the gamut from awful to good. I write reviews on Amazon and Goodreads for indie authors. Most of them are self-published, and their books (many of them are the author's first book) are (in my opinion) better than some longtime/famous authors because they took the time and effort to create an original and compelling story, and their effort showed, so they got good reviews from me. I've also got really good reviews on my work, and I didn't have to resort to sockpuppets like Ms. Tesch. (she actually wrote reviews for herself on Goodreads) I took the time to listen to constructive criticism and edited my work several times to make sure that I published my absolute best effort.

Of course, Ms. Tesch doesn't get good reviews from me. I've also come across a few authors who write just as crappily as her. One author I came across used sockpuppets to write reviews for himself, and had a small circle-jerk of several friends who wrote reviews for him (and didn't review anything else, so it was obvious they were friends of the author)

Thanks! To me, it's kind of like redrawing Our Pet Lolcow's work (which I like seeing). Glad you like it, even if its a doodle.

Interns of writing, I can understand why Gloria doesn't think she needs to change - with Mom and Dad puffing up her ego, she probably thinks she's hot shit. But it's interesting that there doesn't seem to be any natural evolution in her writing style -- you'd think if she reads a lot and likes a book, she might try to copy another authors style, which would be terrible, but it'd be something. She doesn't even try that!

Of course, the parents pushing this are to blame as well. If they'd told Gloria that maybe she needed a few years to develop her craft, rather than run straight in to self publishing, things might've been different. Of course, as we've seen, arrogance and a desire for fame run in the family...

I haven't seen the Goodreads reviews, but I know some of her supporters (they were too well written/coherent to be her) were writing five star reviews on Amazon. Was there anything really funny about them, or was it more of the usual?

I've read the reviews of her stuff on Amazon, do you have a link to any of the other sites with her reviews? I'd like to see what's been said about them.

 

[CalmMyTits]

The only reviews I have seen are Amazon and Goodreads. Amazon has a LOT of negative reviews for the first book. On Goodreads there's not much review-wise but you can find Gloria's reviews on her own books (she doesn't even try to disguise herself) and some guy who claimed her books burned a hole in his brain or something like that.

 

[TheIncredibleLioness]

I've read the reviews of her stuff on Amazon, do you have a link to any of the other sites with her reviews? I'd like to see what's been said about them.

Don't know if this is what you're looking for, but Conjugal Felicity has an article about the mind of Team Tesch, which include reviews from sockpuppets and friends. Sadly, I can't find the one from a "psychologist" stating some weird Teschian nonsense about "the New Maradonia Lifestyle," because that one was hilarious.

Edit: Never mind, the Encyclopedia Dramatica article quotes a lot of the sockpuppet reviews that I was thinking of.

 

[MysticMisty]

Oh yeah the Maradonia lifestyle thing cracked me up. Sorry Great Author Tesch, you're the only one who thinks about Maradonia 24/7. Except for maybe your parents.

Also, while I've seen the bookstore picture, the library one was new to me. I wonder if she walked around and tried to get people to buy her book before leaving.

 

[trip2themoon]

I've read the reviews of her stuff on Amazon, do you have a link to any of the other sites with her reviews? I'd like to see what's been said about them.

Don't know if this is what you're looking for, but Conjugal Felicity has an article about the mind of Team Tesch, which include reviews from sockpuppets and friends. Sadly, I can't find the one from a "psychologist" stating some weird Teschian nonsense about "the New Maradonia Lifestyle," because that one was hilarious.

Edit: Never mind, the Encyclopedia Dramatica article quotes a lot of the sockpuppet reviews that I was thinking of.

Thanks for that article, it was quite interesting to read that her dad is a scumbag who'll try to rip others off just to keep his arrogant brat happy.

Fucking 'ell check the size of that thing, it's like an encyclopaedia. How is a kid (which I think was the target readership) meant to sit comfortably with that:

The fact that she's cast herself in the lead role gives a nice insight to the true levels of her arrogance. Me personally if a film was getting made of my book I'd want the best possible actors for the leads.

 

[OR 345]

To be fair, the books are supposedly only 60,000 words, which, properly formatted, would only be about 120 pages.

 

[trip2themoon]

To be fair, the books are supposedly only 60,000 words, which, properly formatted, would only be about 120 pages.

Should her books not be classed as novellas?

 

[Butta Face Lopez]

"trip2themoon"
The fact that she's cast herself in the lead role gives a nice insight to the true levels of her arrogance. Me personally if a film was getting made of my book I'd want the best possible actors for the leads.

If I had a movie being made out of something I wrote, I'd be cast in like, literally every role. I'm the only one with genius and insight enough to bring all the characters truly to life. Just like Eddie Murphy.

 

[José Mourinho]

So if it's properly formatted it could turn to 120 pages, I wonder how long the movie will be...? 45 minutes?

 

[CWCissey]

So if it's properly formatted it could turn to 120 pages, I wonder how long the movie will be...? 45 minutes?

They'll Hobbit it and drag everything out to two hours apiece.

 

[Judge Holden]

"trip2themoon"
The fact that she's cast herself in the lead role gives a nice insight to the true levels of her arrogance. Me personally if a film was getting made of my book I'd want the best possible actors for the leads.

If I had a movie being made out of something I wrote, I'd be cast in like, literally every role. I'm the only one with genius and insight enough to bring all the characters truly to life. Just like Eddie Murphy.

This is just scratching the surface of the repulsive mountain of self worship, utterly unearned and insanely egotistical arrogance, and disgusting narcissism that is Gloria Tesch. Given how her every whim is funded (shadily I might add) by her parents I might compare her to a less likable Veruka salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but even then she is so much worse.

She is the epitome of all the worst traits of shit writers from her bloated self importance, her hysterical and spiteful attempts to silence and censor any criticism, and her stunning lack of the competence and talent god graces the average 7 year old, all that is wrong with the privileged, coddled, spoiled, and emotionally retarded brats that spew out of the loins of rich and utterly incompetent and immature parent types, and all that is detestable about the talentless freakshows who hunger for nothing but celebrity status with her pompous attempts to spread her fame through a "tv show" (i.e. buying an hour on local cable) a planned "theme park" (yeah... right), her recent "music career" (i.e. spewing hate at her most despised critic) and ever other nauseatingly arrogant and hilariously inept attempt to get people to bow down and worship her the way she thinks she deserves.

She is a perfect storm of fail

 

[TheIncredibleLioness]

"trip2themoon"
The fact that she's cast herself in the lead role gives a nice insight to the true levels of her arrogance. Me personally if a film was getting made of my book I'd want the best possible actors for the leads.

If I had a movie being made out of something I wrote, I'd be cast in like, literally every role. I'm the only one with genius and insight enough to bring all the characters truly to life. Just like Eddie Murphy.

This is just scratching the surface of the repulsive mountain of self worship, utterly unearned and insanely egotistical arrogance, and disgusting narcissism that is Gloria Tesch. Given how her every whim is funded (shadily I might add) by her parents I might compare her to a less likable Veruka salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but even then she is so much worse.

She is the epitome of all the worst traits of shit writers from her bloated self importance, her hysterical and spiteful attempts to silence and censor any criticism, and her stunning lack of the competence and talent god graces the average 7 year old, all that is wrong with the privileged, coddled, spoiled, and emotionally retarded brats that spew out of the loins of rich and utterly incompetent and immature parent types, and all that is detestable about the talentless freakshows who hunger for nothing but celebrity status with her pompous attempts to spread her fame through a "tv show" (i.e. buying an hour on local cable) a planned "theme park" (yeah... right), her recent "music career" (i.e. spewing hate at her most despised critic) and ever other nauseatingly arrogant and hilariously inept attempt to get people to bow down and worship her the way she thinks she deserves.

She is a perfect storm of fail

Wait, what? I haven't heard anything of a "music career" from her. Are there any links/videos to this?

The Veruca Salt analogy is dead on. Her parents do whatever to keep her happy. Makes me wonder what would happen if Gloria encountered the real world.

 

[NobleGreyHorse]

Her "rap" video (with backgrounds, effects, actors posing as friends, etc. all probably part of a Rebecca Black-style package deal) was linked earlier in this thread, I believe. A small earthquake shortly thereafter was traced to Biggie Smalls weeping and flailing in his grave.