💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot
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- Feb 10, 2015
Glo could have at least used some self tanner on her boobs first.
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Like Kengle isn't furiously masturbating to it at this very moment.
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- Mar 25, 2015
I know we all make the obvious jokes about Gloria's face so I'm not gonna touch on that and instead ask about that pose in general. I know it's a popular one that's been done in modeling before but it looks off. Just makes it less sexy and more... I dunno, off.
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- Dec 11, 2013
Everything Glo Glo does looks off.
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- Feb 3, 2013
Wow, I ... I didn't know I'd write this much about a single picture. Oh well, here goes:
I realize this may seem like a really obvious thing to say, but I feel that the truth is simply that Gloria is not very good at what she does. I'm not being sarcastic, either. What I mean is that the above pic is of someone doing a job that they have no skill to do effectivetly, and like you pointed out, it shows.
Now, this is all speculative, but I suspect three things may be going on here. First of all, the shot isn't really composed all that well. I'm not photographer, but it seems to me that the subject is too far to the side, even if it was done for artistic purposes. Second, Glo may be nervous. This might be the most skin I've ever seen her show. In all honestly, I could be totally wrong about that. She could be fine with that much skin showing, she could be wearing pasties, for all I know. But if emotional discomfort had something to do with her pose, I wouldn't be surprised.
This figures into what I think is the third, and biggest, issue: Gloria is not a skilled professional. A skilled, professional model would find a way to power through nervousness, or simply accept being tastefully topless as an aspect of the job. But a possible lack of professionalism is only part of the problem; the other part is talent. Let's analyze the pic, shall we? Beautiful [arguably average] blonde in the wild, naked from the waist up. Why? Women running around topless in the US are generally frowned upon. Why would she be topless, but not bottomless?
Well, simple! This is no casual strumpet! This is an innocent child of the winds who wanted to remove the burdensome artificiality of a cruelly judgmental society that arbitrarily declared women's naked breasts to be shameful and dirty, in order to be closer to the serenity of nature. She came here with no filthy intentions in mind, but merely to commune with the life-giving father Sun, and the comforting-yet-invigorating mother Earth.
That's what she might tell the cops, anyway. The truth of the matter is that she's a dirty, dirty girl, the kind that daddy likes! If there's one thing that GlorT hates more than anything interrupting her pre-dawn sex breakfast, it's keeping her sizable lust-puppies confined under fabric that would prevent the hungry eyes of pudgy, middle-aged men and acne-laden teens from getting a long, lingering, horniful view. Were it not for the fact that she had a sex party to attend to in an hour or so, she'd take you right there in the fronds, and leave nothing left but your drenched, ravaged, grinning husk.
Right?
Nah. It's probably somewhere in between.
Modelling, like any other performance-based job, requires craft. You have to work on your craft to be good at it. It makes no sense to see a picture of Gloria in the buff, covering up her boobs, if she wanted to look either sexy or innocent. Sexy Gloria would be smiling wickedly, ready to drop her arm; Innocent Gloria would look terrified, possibly turned away from the camera. No, what I think the photog was going for here was the doe-eyed sultry look, the sweet-yet-tempting good girl who realizes the power of her body, but not the full effect it could have on men. It's not an easy look to pull off, a paean to the classic Pristine Virgin/Carnivorous Sexpot that, when done right, is supposed to make the model look both unattainable, yet conquerable.
The problem is, simply, that Gloria isn't good at it.
What we're seeing here is not sultry enough to be sexy, nor surprised/curious enough to be innocent. She just cannot emote that well. So what we get is a kind of off-putting, teeth-baring, tryhard gaze, combined with a pose that has Gloria holding up her arms just high enough to cover her breasts, but not in a subtly suggestive way. It's less "Oh, I'm so exposed!" and more "Can you see 'em? No? Okay. Shoot."
Like her writing and her music, Gloria's modelling requires dedication to craft. If she's not willing to dedicate herself to what she's doing - and I've seen very little evidence that she has - then she can shed all the clothes she wants; she won't be getting any professional work.
I realize this may seem like a really obvious thing to say, but I feel that the truth is simply that Gloria is not very good at what she does. I'm not being sarcastic, either. What I mean is that the above pic is of someone doing a job that they have no skill to do effectivetly, and like you pointed out, it shows.
Now, this is all speculative, but I suspect three things may be going on here. First of all, the shot isn't really composed all that well. I'm not photographer, but it seems to me that the subject is too far to the side, even if it was done for artistic purposes. Second, Glo may be nervous. This might be the most skin I've ever seen her show. In all honestly, I could be totally wrong about that. She could be fine with that much skin showing, she could be wearing pasties, for all I know. But if emotional discomfort had something to do with her pose, I wouldn't be surprised.
This figures into what I think is the third, and biggest, issue: Gloria is not a skilled professional. A skilled, professional model would find a way to power through nervousness, or simply accept being tastefully topless as an aspect of the job. But a possible lack of professionalism is only part of the problem; the other part is talent. Let's analyze the pic, shall we? Beautiful [arguably average] blonde in the wild, naked from the waist up. Why? Women running around topless in the US are generally frowned upon. Why would she be topless, but not bottomless?
Well, simple! This is no casual strumpet! This is an innocent child of the winds who wanted to remove the burdensome artificiality of a cruelly judgmental society that arbitrarily declared women's naked breasts to be shameful and dirty, in order to be closer to the serenity of nature. She came here with no filthy intentions in mind, but merely to commune with the life-giving father Sun, and the comforting-yet-invigorating mother Earth.
That's what she might tell the cops, anyway. The truth of the matter is that she's a dirty, dirty girl, the kind that daddy likes! If there's one thing that GlorT hates more than anything interrupting her pre-dawn sex breakfast, it's keeping her sizable lust-puppies confined under fabric that would prevent the hungry eyes of pudgy, middle-aged men and acne-laden teens from getting a long, lingering, horniful view. Were it not for the fact that she had a sex party to attend to in an hour or so, she'd take you right there in the fronds, and leave nothing left but your drenched, ravaged, grinning husk.
Right?
Nah. It's probably somewhere in between.
Modelling, like any other performance-based job, requires craft. You have to work on your craft to be good at it. It makes no sense to see a picture of Gloria in the buff, covering up her boobs, if she wanted to look either sexy or innocent. Sexy Gloria would be smiling wickedly, ready to drop her arm; Innocent Gloria would look terrified, possibly turned away from the camera. No, what I think the photog was going for here was the doe-eyed sultry look, the sweet-yet-tempting good girl who realizes the power of her body, but not the full effect it could have on men. It's not an easy look to pull off, a paean to the classic Pristine Virgin/Carnivorous Sexpot that, when done right, is supposed to make the model look both unattainable, yet conquerable.
The problem is, simply, that Gloria isn't good at it.
What we're seeing here is not sultry enough to be sexy, nor surprised/curious enough to be innocent. She just cannot emote that well. So what we get is a kind of off-putting, teeth-baring, tryhard gaze, combined with a pose that has Gloria holding up her arms just high enough to cover her breasts, but not in a subtly suggestive way. It's less "Oh, I'm so exposed!" and more "Can you see 'em? No? Okay. Shoot."
Like her writing and her music, Gloria's modelling requires dedication to craft. If she's not willing to dedicate herself to what she's doing - and I've seen very little evidence that she has - then she can shed all the clothes she wants; she won't be getting any professional work.
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- Feb 1, 2015
Glo-Glo's modeling work seems almost cargo-cultish in many of its aspects.
I don't want to spend too much time discussing cargo cults (please see the link below if you're interested) but the tl;dr is that a person/group imitates the surface aspects of something without understanding the reason those surface aspects exist.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cargo_cult
Glo-Glo sees other models do certain poses/photo set pieces (the mermaid hair flip, the arm covering her boobies, etc.) and tries to do the same but -- without the skill to pose, the ability to emote properly, a photographer capable of composing a shot -- the resulting product just comes off looking half-assed and cheap.
It's kind of a metaphor for all of her creative endeavors, I suppose...
I don't want to spend too much time discussing cargo cults (please see the link below if you're interested) but the tl;dr is that a person/group imitates the surface aspects of something without understanding the reason those surface aspects exist.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cargo_cult
Glo-Glo sees other models do certain poses/photo set pieces (the mermaid hair flip, the arm covering her boobies, etc.) and tries to do the same but -- without the skill to pose, the ability to emote properly, a photographer capable of composing a shot -- the resulting product just comes off looking half-assed and cheap.
It's kind of a metaphor for all of her creative endeavors, I suppose...
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She may not have moved to LA, but she's been there at some point. She once posted a photo of herself that was taken at a shopping mall that's a quick drive away from Chez Chandler Cats.
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- Jan 24, 2015
World supply of >implyings at an all time low after stupid-ass post
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- Dec 11, 2013
Update on the Maradonia movie.
According to Papa Tesch they're finishing the movie in studio this week and he's going to be sending it out next week for a distributor. With luck it will in theaters by late November.
If the rest of his message is to be believed this vanity project nearly wiped them out financially and they're hoping it's going to be a financial success with options and big studio money for a sequel.
My prediction? It's going nowhere. Some direct to DVD company will offer to pick it up because who in their right mind would want to show this crap in theaters? But it will be for less than what Dr. Gerry wants so he'll tell them to take a hike and they'll wind up selling DVD-Rs from the Maradonia website at some point early next year.
According to Papa Tesch they're finishing the movie in studio this week and he's going to be sending it out next week for a distributor. With luck it will in theaters by late November.
If the rest of his message is to be believed this vanity project nearly wiped them out financially and they're hoping it's going to be a financial success with options and big studio money for a sequel.
My prediction? It's going nowhere. Some direct to DVD company will offer to pick it up because who in their right mind would want to show this crap in theaters? But it will be for less than what Dr. Gerry wants so he'll tell them to take a hike and they'll wind up selling DVD-Rs from the Maradonia website at some point early next year.
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- Feb 3, 2013
No company will buy it, unless it's a place like Troma who sees potential in steaming piles of shit.
It will go to Amazon Instant Video, because any "content creator" can distribute through it.
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- Feb 10, 2015
I think a writer should know they are lying in bed not laying in bed.
You lie down, you lay an object down.
You lie down, you lay an object down.
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- Dec 11, 2013
If movies like "Foodfight!", "Rock & Roll Nightmare" and "Death Bed: The Bed That Eats" can get a distributor then this drek can get one as well.
There are people out there that love bad movies in a non-ironic way. I should know I'm one of them. But chances of it being picked up are slim because it's not the big bucks they were hoping for and the Teschs are all about the money or the illusion that they have it. So they've got this albatross around their collective necks and don't want to sell the rights for $250K and a cut of the gross because that's below what it cost them to make it. As such they'll come up with a plan to sell it either through the Maradonia website where you can pick up the Special Edition DVD with all the cool extras like outtakes, the blooper reel, deleted scenes and videos of Glo Glo cavorting in the surf for the price of $24.95. Or you can go to Amazon and get the regular DVD for only $19.99.
In both cases it'll simply be a DVD-R that has been burned and has a cheap inkjet label stuck to it.
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- Dec 28, 2014
That's elementary literacy. That gets taught in third grade.
Gloria Tesch is
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- Jan 13, 2015
Holy shit that trailer is bad. It's like some high school project. It's not even worthy of MST3King.
And they quote the bible in a fantasy novel/movie?
Why is this trailer so long?
And they quote the bible in a fantasy novel/movie?
Why is this trailer so long?
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- Feb 1, 2015
Oh, come on! We're coming up on late October -- does Daddy Tesch seriously believe that he will be able to finish the movie, get copies made, have screenings of the film, find a distributor, negotiate and sign a contract, and get put on a schedule at a theater in a month?
More than likely, he's going to rent out a theater for Glo-Glo, pretend to have a big red carpet premiere gala, and have the theater project a DVD on the big screen.
Don't knock Troma. Their films might be cheap but they do exhibit a certain level of craftsmanship. You may not appreciate what Troma does but the quality of the films they offer is far beyond that of Maradonia.
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- Aug 30, 2015
Plus most Troma films are intentionally hilarious. This won't be.