💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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Turkish has extra letters, like the i with no dot and the s with a squiggle underneath, though. It is a huge pain in the ass to get your keyboard to switch to Turkish though, so I can imagine a Turkish person just expecting fellow Turks to figure it out.
 
glutenfreebooty said:
[MEDIA=instagram]BK2KCMaDVCT[/MEDIA]Usual business as usual.
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So this is coming from someone who never found Gloria that attractive. She always looked like a young Jaime Lee Curtis, but with zero of the charm or talent...

And I think she can do much much much better than Uber Scrn in the looks department. The DJ guy I thought was too good for her, but still.
 
Maradontia said:
She saw that ship sinking and jumped off.
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I can see why anyone would think that but, IMO, I don't think that's the case. In her mind, Maradonia is her life's crowning achievement; the proof that she truly is a talented, gifted individual, and the special-est snowflake of them all.

I mean, any simple plebeian can write rap songs, model on a runway/calendar, act as a mermaid part-time, etc. etc. But getting a novel published and having a (faux) high budget film made? A work of a true genius! -- if you ignore the absurd amount of money her parents threw at her to get Maradonia published, marketed and made into a movie.

I bet, like all teenagers of a certain age, she simply got bored (probably cause it wasn't giving her the instant adoration and praise that she oh so deserved) and simply shifted her interests to rapping, modelling, preaching or whatever the hell she's doing now. Which should serve as a moral to all parents everywhere not to invest too much or harp on a child's interest or hobby.
 
Seinor_IRL said:
I can see why anyone would think that but, IMO, I don't think that's the case. In her mind, Maradonia is her life's crowning achievement; the proof that she truly is a talented, gifted individual, and the special-est snowflake of them all.

I mean, any simple plebeian can write rap songs, model on a runway/calendar, act as a mermaid part-time, etc. etc. But getting a novel published and having a (faux) high budget film made? A work of a true genius! -- if you ignore the absurd amount of money her parents threw at her to get Maradonia published, marketed and made into a movie.

I bet, like all teenagers of a certain age, she simply got bored (probably cause it wasn't giving her the instant adoration and praise that she oh so deserved) and simply shifted her interests to rapping, modelling, preaching or whatever the hell she's doing now. Which should serve as a moral to all parents everywhere not to invest too much or harp on a child's interest or hobby.
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She's in her mid 20s at this point.
 
Maradontia said:
It seems she's all but abandoned Maradonia at this point. You know what? I respect her for that. She saw that ship sinking and jumped off.
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Her facebook says she's MIA because she's writing another book so I guess she's jumping from one sinking ship to another.

I wonder what kind of marketing strategy she'll pick this time. She was "the youngest author", maybe now she'll be... "the mermaidest author"? I don't know.
 
Burn Book said:
Her facebook says she's MIA because she's writing another book so I guess she's jumping from one sinking ship to another.

I wonder what kind of marketing strategy she'll pick this time. She was "the youngest author", maybe now she'll be... "the mermaidest author"? I don't know.
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She could still be the youngest novelist, now she'll be "started out as the world's youngest novelist, and has continued writing for n years because it is her calling."
 
Seinor_IRL said:
She always looked like a young Jaime Lee Curtis, but with zero of the charm or talent...
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still-of-john-cleese-and-jamie-lee-curtis-in-a-fish-called-wanda.jpg


Gloria+Tesch+Professional+.jpg


...about as similar as the Metro Goldwyn lion and Calvin Coolidge IMO.
 
Is that "rendered for AFM 2015" a watermark from an unregistered movie editor or something? I can't find anything on it.

But if it is... holy shit. :story:
 
Notes while watching:

The intro is 22 minutes long! It just keeps beginning. The non canon scene at the beginning of Maya and Joey being hunted by different guys than we see later.

Also, did anyone notice Gloria speaks normal English? It seems she only has that accent when she's trying to give a speech.

WTF?! Why are there 10 year olds at the party?

Every time the sound drops out. Every time the music drowns out the dialogue.

When people in the same scene clearly aren't in the same shot.

I see we skipped over most of the 7 bridges. Maybe that's why they called it the shadow empire.

Oraculus keeps fucking up his lines.

Commander Justine is really from the BLACK tribe?

How did Maya and Joey die? The scene just changes so fast.

That final fight scene in fast motion! We need a Benny Hill remix. The wizard didn't help at all.

The movie takes 11 minutes to end as that banquet scene just goes on and on.

We never see Professor Epstein and the classroom again. Wasn't that supposed to be the bookend?

See you next time in Escape from the Underworld!

This cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to make?!
 
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I must say, the casting of Joey was impeccable. He's such a perfect smug little cunt, even if he looks 30 (and maybe is, according to IMDB he was already a college graduate 2 years ago). Why did I have to see his pasty naked torse though.

Every child in this film is visibly younger than Gloria and Joey and this looks really weird. Gloria's rachettness shows in the scene where she yells at the goth girl to MOVE IT, but then she throws some really weak-ass punches.

The Worst Acting Award goes either to the little kid with a plushie half-heartedly mourning his mum or to the teenage girl who groped the 9/11 picture while talking about her dead dad. Or to the obviously evil cloaked ladies who pretended they came in peace and accented their lines super weirdly. But Gloria herself is not far behind.

I love the gleefully over-the-top Evil Empire and their willingness to kill babies. They're just so excited to do it. I also like the commandor lady who's the only one to be like "why the fuck did you bring those kids here, how are they supposed to lead a fucking army" but of course she's supposed to be wrong, cause Maya is ~~~perfect~~.

King Apollewhatever sounds super neurotic. Also, there's a whole lotta bad wigs in that movie.

Why did they spend money on getting lions and tigers instead of something that would actually improve this shitty movie?

I am now convinced that neither Gloria nor her daddy has ever seen any actual, real movie. What's with the voiceover and writing on the screen? What's with the MS Paint pink blobs in some scenes? Are those some unfinished special effects or what?

One of the actors is credited just as other actor's mother for some reason. The snake lady is played by mama Tesch herself. Huh. At one point the role - actor order gets changed to actor - role for like 3 people and then changes back. How professional.
 
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"A lot of blood was spilled"... Why can't I stop laughing at this image or the horrible narration?
 
I'm only 16 minutes in and this is already the worst movie I have ever seen. This will make beautiful Movie Night fare.
 
Burn Book said:
I must say, the casting of Joey was impeccable. He's such a perfect smug little cunt, even if he looks 30 (and maybe is, according to IMDB he was already a college graduate 2 years ago). Why did I have to see his pasty naked torse though.

Every child in this film is visibly younger than Gloria and Joey and this looks really weird. Gloria's rachettness shows in the scene where she yells at the goth girl to MOVE IT, but then she throws some really weak-ass punches.

The Worst Acting Award goes either to the little kid with a plushie half-heartedly mourning his mum or to the teenage girl who groped the 9/11 picture while talking about her dead dad. Or to the obviously evil cloaked ladies who pretended they came in peace and accented their lines super weirdly. But Gloria herself is not far behind.

I love the gleefully over-the-top Evil Empire and their willingness to kill babies. They're just so excited to do it. I also like the commandor lady who's the only one to be like "why the fuck did you bring those kids here, how are they supposed to lead a fucking army" but of course she's supposed to be wrong, cause Maya is ~~~perfect~~.

King Apollewhatever sounds super neurotic. Also, there's a whole lotta bad wigs in that movie.

Why did they spend money on getting lions and tigers instead of something that would actually improve this shitty movie?

I am now convinced that neither Gloria nor her daddy has ever seen any actual, real movie. What's with the voiceover and writing on the screen? What's with the MS Paint pink blobs in some scenes? Are those some unfinished special effects or what?

One of the actors is credited just as other actor's mother for some reason. The snake lady is played by mama Tesch herself. Huh. At one point the role - actor order gets changed to actor - role for like 3 people and then changes back. How professional.
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Indeed. 20 something Maya and Joey going to a house party with children makes them look like pedos.

If you check the credits, Gloria's brother is also in the movie.

I feel like anyone with editing software could make this movie more watchable at least by cutting out all the superfluous stuff. I could do a better job. 10 year olds who make Minecraft videos could do a better job.

The beginning is confusing and goes on too long. It's all over the place and makes no sense. It has to be totally redone. The ending also goes on too long and ends awkwardly. Should probably be moved so the movie can end on Maya. Some scenes are pointless and can be removed entirely like the writhing people (zombies?) in the intro and before the banquet scene, or the lions and tigers you mentioned. Most scenes can just be cut down.

Characters are poorly introduced and seem to disappear. I still don't know what happened to the wizard or the warrior guy who had the one fight scene in the movie.

A good hour and a half cut would be more palatable even if it still sucked. Plus there's audio issues that need correcting. Wasn't there a guy who was supposed to be hired to fix this? Guess he just fucked off.
 
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