Oh hey Lewis, didn't think I'd see you here.
So, you think you're tough for winning a race or two in a "shitbox"?
You merely adopted the shitbox. I was born in it, molded by it. By the final race of my first season, I lapped my own team-mate in a Minardi. Twice. Then I took the next year off because Flavio Briatore saw something in me.
When I came back the first time, I almost won my third race during the most competitive F1 season since the '80s, before I smashed into a wall in a collision that would have been fatal before the HANS device. I recovered and tried again, and a few months later, I won. I lapped Michael Schumacher in a car that was fractionally as powerful as his, on the track that is the hardest to overtake on.
And then, in 2005, I broke his streak. The streak which you never got the chance to break. Then I did it again the following year.
Even at McLaren where the team's atmosphere overwhelmingly supported you over me, I still got the same number of points, wins, and podiums as you did. Even though you got hundreds of hours of testing during 2006 and I never even sat foot in the car before the pre-season,
(I may have got this part wrong lel) I still nearly beat you at your own game. And then I left, knowing that the team would never earnestly support my title bid. I went back to Renault since you were so scared of me beating you in a Ferrari.
In 2008, Briatore rigged a win for me. And then I won the race after on pure performance anyway.
In 2009, I had the worst car on the grid. And I still scored pole at Hungary and 3rd at Singapore.
In 2010, I very nearly won the championship.
In 2011, I dragged a shitbox of a Ferrari to a win at your home race, during a season you spent half the time smashing into my team-mate.
In 2012, I dragged a slightly better shitbox to the final championship-deciding race of the season.
In 2013, I dragged my shitbox to 2nd in the standings, destroying Webber in far superior machinery.
In 2014, I came within 5 seconds of driving the biggest shitbox of my Ferrari career to a win at Hungary.
And then Vettel replaced me.
The same Vettel that cried like a bitch when he spun himself off at Germany trying to beat you, who was replaced by Leclerc who cried even harder when he spun himself off at France. I could only have wished for a car as good as theirs. I was the only Ferrari driver after Raikkonen to tame Ferrari's personnel and bring their worst efforts to two drivers titles, which I only lost because of my own team sabotaging me with bad strategy calls. Vettel and Leclerc lost their championships way before the point I would have.
7 titles? Big deal, considering half of those were against your team-mate who got told to move out of the way, and the other half were you and the FIA conspiring against other teams to weaken them. People who actually know F1 will know I came less than 10 points from being a 5-time F1 World champion, and that's all that matters.
I won the 24 Hours of Le Mans twice, the most prestigious racing event in the world. I almost won the Indy 500 on my first try, and still have plenty of time to try again if I wanted. If Sato and even Ericsson can do it, so can I. I won the Race of Champions, and participated in the gruelling Paris-Dakar Rally, where I finished 13th out of 351 entrants. Whilst you poured all of your chips into Formula 1, I diversified my portfolio and toured the world of racing. Tried my hand at everything with wheels. Enjoyed my life while you agonised and fretted over perceived advantages from your rivals. Got your lapdog Toto and his friends from the FIA to ban wings and engines and pitstops that allowed your opponents to win over you.
And once you retire from F1, that is all the legacy you'll ever have. You probably won't have your own museum like I already do.
So, you think I'm bitter, do you? Bitter over what? My 32 wins, most of which were done in cars far slower than the champion's machinery? My 98 podiums? My other racing achievements? My museum? My E-Sports team? My humanitarian campaigns? Get over yourself, you drama queen.
The only person that's bitter is you and your fans, as it slowly dawns upon you that you will never win a race again. You will never win your 8th title, or your 5th consecutive title. You and them will obsess over the events of Abu Dhabi 2021 for many years, until it eats away inside you and you can't stand it anymore. The clock is ticking, Lulu. Unless you deal with Max in the next year or so, he is going to break every last one of your unbreakable records.
I am a national hero for an entire generation of Spaniards. Look around you, Lewis. Children hardly know who you are anymore. You are a dinosaur from a bygone age, much like I am, but you haven't been able to admit it to yourself yet.
You think turning up to races looking like the lovechild between a Teletubby and an eskimo for thousands of free internet points is the cutting-edge of fashion, when in reality you're an insecure, middle-class, half-white metrosexual who thinks the world of F1 is below them.
I race because I enjoy racing, and I get to race whenever I want. You race because you enjoy winning, and you haven't won for a whole year. We are not the same.
(Can someone post this on 4chan or make it in the style of an imageboard post?)