I won't be returning to the United States. Ever.
I guess technically that is correct. Ethan is already getting allegedly robbed, it's only a matter of time before they find his mutilated corpse in some Mexican ditch. Maybe Uncle Sam will flip the bill to have him scooped up in a couple of boxes and brought back the Land of the Rising Weight, so that he can be reassembled and put on display in some Ripley's Believe It or Not freak museum.
The Bog Hog Man of Mexico, come one come all, see the half-man, half-beast creature from south of the boarder! Legend has it on a cold Mexican night, in the town of Merida; you could hear the sound of empty liquor bottles clanking and a ferocious squeal! The locals called him Porquiño, due to him only being 5' tall, but the children still shivered in their beds, knowing that the bug-eyed hogman roamed the streets, listening for the sound of a rattling pill bottle and screaming death threats at his inlaws. You can't miss this one folks. It's a once in a lifetime!!!