Original - Oct. 10, 2022
My (33m) father is deaf. Because of this, I’ve been signing for as long as I can remember. My wife (33f) is hearing and has never put much effort into learning ASL beyond a few basic signs. This has never bothered me, but it does make it difficult when we visit my family since I basically have to play translator if she and my dad want to have conversations, but I do it to facilitate a bond between them.
About two months ago, I learned of an opportunity at the local college in our city where volunteer native speakers could come converse with the students in the advanced ASL courses. It was going to be a monthly thing in order to track the students’ progress. I jumped at the chance to help out - I’m very passionate about people learning ASL. One of the other volunteers there was a non verbal man, Alex (29m), who I found an easy comradery with. We exchanged numbers and became fast friends.
We began hanging out and during the time we would spend at my place, I wouldn’t translate even if my wife was in the room (other than their introductions and small talk) because Alex never requested I do so.
After a few weeks of this, my wife brought it up as something that was bothering her. She said she felt left out and like Alex and I were “keeping secrets.” I politely apologized and went on to have a discussion with Alex about this whole thing. He said he felt it was rude that my wife never even so much as made an effort to learn ASL, especially since I had very close family who were deaf, so he had no interest in conversing with her. And honestly, I kind of agreed with him. It didn’t rub me the wrong way at first, but now that she’s complaining about being left out despite having years to learn at least some of this new language feels silly to me.
I let my wife know I would still translate for my dad and her, but things were staying the same with Alex. She’s still angry at me.
AITA?
Edit: I addressed this in a comment but I saw it as a recurring question and someone suggested I put it in an edit as well -- we usually visit my dad every other weekend.
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Update - October 23, 2022
I have no idea why the AITA mods denied my request to update there and this will likely get seen by very few, but hey! Here's the update I submitted there for any who are curious as to how my situation turned out:
Hey everyone. Thank you for the kindness and constructive criticism on my first post.
As many advised, I sat down and had a conversation with my wife about my changing point of view on her ASL abilities. I said I made a mistake by coming at her with resentment and hostility instead of taking the time to explain my thoughts. I expressed that I was hurt over her complaints because people like Alex and my dad have to go through life being unable to communicate. What she experienced isn’t even a fraction of what they do. I reminded her that she has had a Deaf FIL for years and plenty of opportunities to learn, and she hasn’t taken them.
I mentioned in a comment on my original post that it’s been a dream of mine to adopt a Deaf/HoH child sometime in the future. I brought this up to her again as yet another reason why learning could be beneficial. Even if that dream doesn't end up coming to fruition, there will still be people in our lives who communicate through ASL. There are literally no cons to learning, only pros. My wife said she understood and that she would make time to do so, even if it was just a daily sign from me or a quick YouTube video lesson. I thanked her and we moved on.
During the week following this conversation, I saw no effort on her part despite what she had said. I brought it up to her once a few days later, then again at the end of the week, and I was continually brushed off with what essentially boiled down to: 'I'm busy, I'll get to it later.' This was disheartening.
I went to my parents' home alone last weekend and vented to them about what was going on. My dad shared with me a story, one I had heard many times before, about how quickly my mom started learning ASL after the two of them met. He hadn't asked her to and it took some time before they were able to have a proper conversation that way, but what had mattered was the effort. Not just passively, like my wife picking up a few basic signs over the years, but real 'actively trying to learn' effort. My mom suggested I give her a little more time, but that if this is something that means a lot to me then I need to stand up for that.
In the almost two weeks since the conversation with my wife, I've hung out with Alex many times and we did our monthly volunteer work at the local college. Being immersed in that culture feels invaluable to me. The juxtaposition between the appreciation for this beautiful language versus the scrapbooking and pottery classes my wife is in... It's been hard for me to accept that that's where she would rather spend her time despite what we talked about. I don't expect her to drop her hobbies, but she promised me she would TRY. When I admitted this to her, it caused a big argument. She is currently staying elsewhere while I'm staying at our home with a friend. Sometimes people's growth happens in opposite directions, it seems.
ETA relevant comments:
In response to questions as to why Alex was allowed to insult wife in home: "Allowing space for someone to expression frustration over their primary (and only, in this case) form of communication being looked at as inconvenient or a tool for secret keeping doesn't feel disrespectful to me personally.
With that being said, it is a fantastic was to gossip."
In response to whether it was communicated prior to marriage that learning ASL was important: "She obviously knew about my upbringing and the importance of ASL to me, but there was never an expectation that she learn it. Her complaining and me getting further involved in the community plus creating a new support system has started changing my opinion on things."
In response to questions about children: "We don't have children currently. At one point (prior to meeting my wife), I was sincerely invested in the thought of adopting a deaf or hard of hearing child, but that specific dream got put on the back burner when life happened and things got a little more hectic. It's something that's been popping up in my mind against recently, and yeah... that would be difficult if one of the child's parents feels like it's too much effort to even try and communicate. I have some things to consider moving forward, it seems."
Just general info: "Effort really does go a long way in showing someone how much you care. My dad met Alex a few weeks ago and he was overjoyed to meet a friend of mine who he could converse with properly, but he's also been happy in the past when my friends (mostly from my high school days) wanted to learn at all."
