I usually just fall asleep when I take benadryl. Are you harvesting REM cycles?
I'm sorry. To all of you. I let my lower nature take a hold of me. In a flash, all impressions of elegance and civility evacuated me. It is hard to describe how usual of a folly this tends to be. And how lacking in excuse I am. But not in reason. There is nothing for me to do, after a given point in time, in any given community. I simply interact with the subject around which it revolves at an external, high-level. I never dare to go deep into it, find the truth and share it with. Because I am a coward. There is far more community to be found in exploration, discovery and subsequent retrieval, but I am oh so desperate for any slight of contact that I will drop all logic at once for it. Not logic then, programs me, but instincts. Such as the need to flaunt as to seem more experienced and venerable than I might present myself at first. That the Heavens smite me! Sublime, it is not, to find oneself in this position, after the return to logic has occurred. Because we, given by His grace, have left our naturalistic instincts behind and only crumbs remain. They don't last enough. It's why people can't go on for long once they give in, because deep down there is an inexorable force guiding them, if not back to the light, away from where they are headed. Nay, ignored it can't. For I am not the exception. For far too long I have used this technique, of being loud and obnoxious, rather than helpful and of service, to carve myself a nook in plethora of places. They have all evicted me, no doubt, since I do not bring anything of value to the table. I am the blight of any society, the fool who believes he matters. Or worse, who believes he is useful as a jester and not simply disposable. He is but confused about not only who he is, but for whom he is in the first. Performing in that manner, is mostly for oneself, not for other. Because he knows that deep down, if he had any modesty left, he does not fit in there and therefore should leave, as the only logical, and by extension, honorable route. It is a way to justify his own existence and qualm any doubts he might have of his place in it; that is, that he has no place. Did I request for this to be my fate? Nay. But that is how the cards have fallen. In what little remains of my humanity, I must accept it, railing against the truth has never ended well. With this I clarify, it was my intention to become a regular, a familiar in here, in this tiny crook of the second world. And easily I could have. Admitted it myself, I had! Watch and draft a report on the subject's escapades, with propriety and diligence, and then propose it to be the entrance of this thread. Then, I might have gained some sympathy and nods of approval; respect, I even dare to say, in the minimum possible quantity -- but it nonetheless. Too blind to take this route I was, trying to escape the sweat equity needed, the pound of flesh necessary for joining any group worth joining and caring about. Now that I have explained myself and what my fatal flaw in judgement has been, there is, much like the tale of yonder, no other option for me than to reduce myself to exile and to cut close my eye sockets, so that they might not shewn me other opportunities to denigrate myself even further. Rest assured, my lesson has been learned, there is but one option for introduction to a community and that is to show that it will be better, in any capacity, with you inside. Wonder, I do not! As to how I have been rejected my entire life from guild and association alike, time and time again. Instead of banging my head against a wall, nagging the patrons half to death, believing myself to have the right and the preeminence for induction, yet never once did I halt and think: "How will my presence inside make of this community a better, more profitable one?" or "What would they, current members that I loathe so much without understanding their valid reasons, gain from me being not apart, but a part?". Never did that stream of consciousness cross me. How much sorrow would it have stopped not just for me, but for all the, undoubtedly uncomfortable, judges of my characters and gatekeepers who kept me out. Must have, they, thought, "What am I, the idiot's keeper, to have to explain myself as to his negation and worse, yet, console him with words of pity?". Clear, then, it has become that I must make something of myself. Rather than a clump of clay that, potentially, has the capacity for being a beautiful vase, but currently isn't, I need to mold myself into something worthy of being a part, because, even in the most egalitarian of so-called clubs, they still have requisites for entrance, a bar to be passed. Standards. I will now begin my journey, as previously stated, stateless and blind, which suits me well in the inside since it keeps me from sin, the sin of entitlement and pride to which my actions correspond, and instead forces me to focus my intent and verve all in on the objective I set my mind to. I promise you, dear readers and user and catalogue members, that never shall I hold any grudges, against anyone, even if I, like an alchemist, make myself of gold and still rejections come my way -- I won't protest and I will gladly, in good faith, leave. For it is better to be alone, than to be deep in where one is not wanted, that too I have learned in my years of social parasitism and infection, as the undesired agent that I have been so far, for oh so long. Let me conclude then, to say, that never again shall I be weighed and found wanting; for never again shall I put myself in the scale of that which, I can reasonably predict with my knowledge and use of reason, will not grant me deliverance. It is my oath to you, oh, that I never again shall commit this folly. And if I had to die alone, in the mud like a stray animal, like the discarded cow nobody dared to sacrifice for a birth defect, then that shall be my fate. I will not abscond and try to go against the greatest force experienced in the everyday life: Nature, herself. No, I will face my ultimate place in the hierarchy of all, perhaps with not a toothy smile, but without frowning either, and with my neck up high. Goodbye, I have prolonged, this for way too long, may we never see each other again, for I know that the scale of this homestead is altogether, much not too attuned to my nature, and therefore will never return the desired number, the one that will grant me the key to the palace. It is a done deal. Take care all of you sages of knowledge of the strange creature than inhabit among us ever since the creation of this second world that has granted so many a place and home, but oh so many too a safe conduit into the gates of hell and beyond, below. Godspeed, I wish you all, this has been a transformative process for myself, and it will not be forgotten. That, combined with the other, is my promise to you.
