🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%
  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%
  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%
  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%

  • Total voters
    961
And you all call Connor the autistic loser. I mean I get it yelling at cows is fun it's all anyone on this site does but here's what it accomplishes:

The cows do nothing and leave

Connor's gonna realize what a waste of time this place is after 2 years and 1400 posts of doing the same thing over and over and over (whine -> ridicule followed by pity posts suggesting life improvements that he'll never make and words of encouragement he hasn't earned -> whine -> ridicule -> misplaced altruism -> whine -> etc. etc. ad infinitum) . Yeah. That'll happen.
 
I just went on Connor's page to take a look at his ratings, and

Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 5.56.25 PM.jpg

He really has made a lot of false promises about getting his life together, holy shit.
 
4 pages of:

"Connor u suck"
"The thing you wrote as a writing excersize and posted here for free blows you should be ashamed give up on life"
"Yeah good job doing something but what have you done for us lately?"
"Have a job yet asshole?"
"What do you do with your life???"
"Wowwww only 2 classes??"

And you all call Connor the autistic loser. I mean I get it yelling at cows is fun it's all anyone on this site does but here's what it accomplishes:

The cows do nothing and leave
The users feel good about themselves for being better.

Here's what it doesn't accomplish:

Getting more writing
Getting more information
Getting more reactions (negative or positive)
Getting anything.

Who cares? It's not like Connor would magically get his life together if we didn't make fun of him. If he never found the farms he would still be unemployed and spending 10+ hours a day masturbating and eating cheese.
 
NaNoWriMo would actually be perfect for Connor. It actively tracks your word count, it sets a definite goal that it wants writers to achieve, it provides an open community for people to criticize and advise writers that participate in the event, and he'll get a published copy of his work should he reach the goal, not to mention possibly winning the actual reward.

Seriously, @Connor Bible, if you're reading this and you're serious about improving, participate in NaNoWriMo.

He's done NaNoWriMo. I think it was only last year or the year before, and I believe he was working on RE for that as well.
 
@Connor Bible: Here's something, just food for thought. My cousin's a writer, she spends basically all of her time doing research/reading/writing in some capacity. She has completed several short novels. They are all self-published, but I suppose this is a necessity, as she is only 16 years old as of this writing. One of the things I see her doing a lot is taking a notepad around and physically writing down story ideas. She takes this notepad everywhere. We went to a baseball game and she was still plotting out her story, next physically, on paper.

Maybe you could try this approach to writing - using physical paper, rather than typing on your computer? It will give you less imperative to do distracting things (like browse the farms), and it will allow you to keep a written record of your entire thought processes (unlike computer writing where you might just delete entire ideas you don't end up wanting to use). Then you can quickly compare things and think about lots of different options. You can also take this notepad several places, like baseball games. Having a notepad available at all times makes it easier to just jot down little things. If you're at a baseball game and you observe the way two people sitting in front of you in the crowd interact, you could even jot down some of the things you've noticed about their interaction to add to character development. You could walk around the college campus jotting things down! Can't do that with computer writing.

Also, to everyone saying his writing isn't very good: It's not, this is true, but he did admit he just went for 40 minutes without stopping and didn't edit it before posting it. I think for Connor the mere act of writing is more important than the content at the moment. In fact, I strongly encourage him (here @Connor Bible I'll tag you again so you look at this line) to participate in National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write 50,000 words over the month of November, which comes out to about 1,667 words per day (which you can get done in about 45 minutes if you write consistently and have a fast wpm rate). I did it three times and made it to the goal all three times - while being a high school student, I may add. Now, none of those stories have ever been published because I realized not long after the third one that writing wasn't really my passion. This can be a way to help you develop your drive or realize you're not cut out for writing, either one. And if it's the former, it has the added benefit of forcing story to be made! Then you can edit it later if you like the product. Really I don't see the problem with the "force-yourself-to-write, fix-later" approach. (But then, I'm not an author.)

TL;DR. You're cool bro, but quit trying to help the cows. If I didn't read that, neither did Connor.
 
@Smutley's right, you guys, relax. Just pour Connor a Fuzzy Navel and chill. I'm fairly certain Mr. Next Great American Novel doesn't want to hear from a poet any more than he does the rest of you, so I'll just say: @Silver's idea about the actual physical notepad -- maybe, with the use of duct tape and string, permanently attach a ballpoint pen -- is dabes.

If anybody does want to hear this: Don't make your first notebook a beautiful, leather-bound masterpiece of the bookbinding art. Then you'll be crippled by self-esteem problems, become convinced you don't deserve to defile its pages with your measly thoughts, and never write in it. (I actually use my prettiest one to copy out Gàidhlig lessons. Somehow verb tenses seem perfectly worthy...)
 
Connor, you wrote for 40 minutes straight. Good job, at least you brought something to the table this time.

New challenge:
Write for 40 minutes straight without referencing a movie or anime.
 
Quality wasn't the point of this. I just want to see how long I could keep my fingers on the keyboard. Forty minutes is a new record for me.
So you're incompetent as well as lazy is that it? And you expect to be able to land a part-time job with that kind of attitude? "Oh I'm sorry Mr. Boss but I've been standing for 40 minutes so far and it's a new record for me. Maybe tomorrow I can stand for 50 minutes!" At which point he kicks your lazy entitled ass out the door for wasting his time.

And I'm going to level with you. You'll never make it as a writer. You know why? It's because you don't have it in you.

As I've told people before you write, paint or make music because there's something inside of you that is trying to get out. There's a story inside of you that won't leave you alone and every moment of every day you keep trying to bring it to life because it's not leaving you alone. You carry a notebook with you everywhere in case inspiration strikes and you need to write it down. Everything else means nothing so long as this story finally sees the light of day.

There are nights you sit staring at the screen writing, erasing, going back over what you said because it's just not right. And then come those golden moments where everything is working. You're writing. The words are flowing. You feel connected to the story in such a way that you never felt before and you wish this could last forever. Your fingers are getting sore because you've been typing for so long but you don't care. And then just like that... it's gone.

Hours have gone by. You've written pages of brilliance but you're spent until the next time this happens.

But that requires time, discipline and patience. It's not a career unless you're really lucky and from what I've seen you should stick to fanfiction or wattpad and get off your lazy entitled ass and make something of yourself.
 
Write for 40 minutes straight without referencing a movie or anime.
As a fellow "aspiring writer", I admit I'm far from the most productive myself. Usually that's because I have a fuckload of ideas competing for attention, and finding the ones most worthy of commitment can be like finding a needle in a haystack. But once I find something worth writing, turning out the words isn't such an obstacle for me. I'm sure I've produced over 2,000 words within 24 hours on multiple occasions.

Maybe Connor needs to find something that inspires him so much that 500 words in 40 minutes won't seem like such a challenge?
 
Everything Connor writes tends to be a mishmash of rip-offs from stories that he's enjoyed. Probably because he has no original ideas and thinks that combining cool things together will make a cooler thing. This is wrong, but oh well.

Since he has no ideas, he should go one of two directions:
  • Criticism- A good excuse to watch movies, and something he might be able to actually do better than some people given his encyclopedic knowledge of tvtropes and his autistic drive to sort and categorize
  • Fanfiction- Rather than write things that are pretty much just plagiarism, flat-out write shit set in existing worlds. It doesn't require creativity with world-building, which should make it more fun for him as he's playing with other people's toys. If that got him to write more, it would at least improve his writing through practice.
FWF should just focus on writing a movie review a week and fanfictioning when he's done with that. It doesn't need to be a career or his life's focus, but it'd at least let him know whether or not he enjoys writing within a couple months. That's what he needs to figure out more than anything else.
 
Everything Connor writes tends to be a mishmash of rip-offs from stories that he's enjoyed.
Had Connor lived in the time of Shakespeare, writing stories that are just remixes of other stories and trying to pass them off as his own would've been a normal and arguably acceptable practice. But even then, I think the formula of "cool thing + cool thing = super cool thing" (which DykesDykesChina pointed out is the apparent mentality behind "Pooh's Adventures") didn't automatically work all the time.
 
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If you're not going to spend your time writing, at least get a kettellbell and spend it working out.
 
  1. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/91.jpg?1417134838 A moment ago Grand Number of Pounds:
    does Connor still have fungus
  2. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/23.jpg?1439524484 A moment ago KatsuKitty:
    @ @Grand Number of Pounds, connor is the fungus
 
Connor has many simples ways provided for him to change his life. It bothers me that day to day he just doesn't bother changing anything.

Just fucky you and Molly.

All I do is attempt to give him advice on how to get more fit, which is always the first step. But it's one ear and out the other with him. He is so lucky he lives in the United States because he would never make it where I live. He HAS those simple options because of that luxury.

I am probably gonna continue my white knighting from time to time because I know Connor can recover from lolcowness. He needs to clean up his act and get fit. And he should go somewhere that would interest him, like a snowy field.
 
So I got inspired and decided to try my hand at writing.
This is about 13 minute's worth of free writing.

It was another fine morning on the Farms. CatParty was shitposting,
Dynastia was making people cry, and Null, gutless motherfucker that he is, was refusing
to nuke anyone.
"How shall I oppress the snowflakegendered people today?" he pondered as he swigged his
flagon of Coke Zero.
Suddenly, Dynastia came running in!
"Null! Null! Terrible news! And it's not about Abbos this time!!"
Null rolled his eyes. Why did he have to deal with these idiots? All he wanted to
do was run a website, not babysit a userbase of autistic spergs.
"Dynastia, I already know that KatsuKitty is a girly crossdressing fag tranny. Stop telling me.
And no, I will not fucky him no matter how funny you'd find it."
"No, it isn't about that this time, although my offer of $35 to you if you fucky him,
videotape it and post it on the forums still stands. It's about Connor."
"Haven't I told you that I don't care about Connor's chimpouts?"
"But this is serious. I mean it this time."
Null slowly reached for the button that would set off his nuclear warhead, the one labelled
"Fucky You Dynastia". Would he have the courage to use it this time? Thoughts of a world
without his Number 1 Australian Shitposter filled his head; a world where there would
be only LikeICare and CatParty to upset everyone. Could he do this?
An idea occurred to him. Checking his instinct for zero-calorie, caffeine-fueled murderous
rage, he spoke in a low, measured voice.
"You do realise that I already know about Connor's crotch fungus?"
"Yeah mate, of course. Even the Pope knows that."
Null laughed.
"No, I mean he really knows. I told him yesterday.
"So anyway. Connor has done something noone ever thought he'd do. He has written for
not 30-"
"Seconds!!"
"Sit down, Null. You need to be seated to hear this.
"Not seconds. Minutes.Not 30 minutes, not 39 minutes, but A FULL 40 MINUTES."
Null collapsed. As he lay insensible, Dynastia wondered if he'd done the right thing.
Who would run the shitlord community now? Could he handle such a responsibility? To carry
the burden of leading a bunch of autistic spergs against Tumblrites and Gamergaters-
truly, could any man be up to such a task?
"Oh, well, who cares?" he shrugged as he stole a few bottles of Coke Zero and walked
out the door.

~ Fin
 
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  1. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/91.jpg?1417134838 A moment ago Grand Number of Pounds:
    does Connor still have fungus
  2. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/23.jpg?1439524484 A moment ago KatsuKitty:
    @ @Grand Number of Pounds, connor is the fungus

If fungus were sentient the fungus would be complaining on the internet about this smelly pretentious manchild that's attached to it and doesn't go away no matter how much lotion it uses
 
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