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- Mar 17, 2013
Well, that would explain why he's concerned that his parents are going to catch him writing a resume on the sly.
🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker
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Well, that would explain why he's concerned that his parents are going to catch him writing a resume on the sly.
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2014
His parents would get angry about a resume, but aren't angry about going to weird Internet forums and telling people about jerking off, crotch fungus, and an unhealthy obsession with Molly Ringwald?
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2014
Yeah, that's really weird. I have to wonder if Connor's parents actually are against him getting a job or if he's just using them as scapegoats (or at least exaggerating). After my first year of college, my parents were practically pushing me into stores to apply for a job. "You need to get out more and get some working experience" was their primary concern. I know that a lot of parents don't pressure their kids into getting a job, especially if that child is going to school (my parents were like that for a long time), but really odd to me that parents would be actively against their child getting a job.
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- Sep 7, 2013
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2014
Connor, you need to do things because you want to do them. We can keep giving you advice about how to do things, but it's up to you to do them, we can't do it for you.
I think you really need to think about what you do really want, because to me it sounds like thses excuses are so you can make everybody feel sorry for you. If you wanted these things that bad, you wouldn't be on here complaining, you would be working towards your degree and working at some little cafe part time getting the money to look after yourself and for school.
I've already given you some advice on writing, writing is a hard business, and you don't always get published and sell millions of copies of your book. E.J James is an idiot who cannot write, but her story as terrible and fantastically grammarly challenged, it sold because it had sex in it and word of mouth of it being a fan fiction in an early life.
But you need to take criticism and also take that people suck, people are out there who are mean and horrible to others. There are nice people, who do care, but if you are going to be horrible to others then they are goig to be that way to you. Treat other like you want to be treated, that is a very important thing in life and you will not succeed if you are going to treat others poorly.
Be nice to my friends, because they have been nice to you, giving you support and you just chucked it back in their face. That is why people are mad at you, and why you have a thread.
Be nice and do something with your life, because you only live once.
I think you really need to think about what you do really want, because to me it sounds like thses excuses are so you can make everybody feel sorry for you. If you wanted these things that bad, you wouldn't be on here complaining, you would be working towards your degree and working at some little cafe part time getting the money to look after yourself and for school.
I've already given you some advice on writing, writing is a hard business, and you don't always get published and sell millions of copies of your book. E.J James is an idiot who cannot write, but her story as terrible and fantastically grammarly challenged, it sold because it had sex in it and word of mouth of it being a fan fiction in an early life.
But you need to take criticism and also take that people suck, people are out there who are mean and horrible to others. There are nice people, who do care, but if you are going to be horrible to others then they are goig to be that way to you. Treat other like you want to be treated, that is a very important thing in life and you will not succeed if you are going to treat others poorly.
Be nice to my friends, because they have been nice to you, giving you support and you just chucked it back in their face. That is why people are mad at you, and why you have a thread.
Be nice and do something with your life, because you only live once.
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2013
Today, Gentle Kiwis, we will look at one of Connor's accounts on the TVTropes forum. Some of these images are going to be huge, because there are threads where Connor basically talks to himself since no one else will.
Connor makes sure everyone knows about Redesigning Eva and can't answer simple questions. Most interesting is it is blatant that Connor has no original ideas - everything he wants to write is just a fanfic for things he recently watched. Fun fact: Amazon now lets you sell Fanfics on their marketplace. Connor could actually find/replace all instances of Klaus Kreiger to Hannibal "Lecture" and have Eva being redesigned by him and it would probably sell a couple copies.
Connor talks shit about adoption and a mod (rightly) decides he's a troll and locks the thread
Connor follows his own forum-formula to discuss the "nebulous adoption-story" he can never describe, explain, or write.
Maybe the reason Connor is obsessed with the 80's is the huge glut of shitty action movies are the only things he can understand. That was the hot trend, but they were all played straight, and watching them 10+ years after release has convinced him that they can be subverted and done ironically - something that is rarely accomplished well and doesn't age gracefully.
Connor discusses his Akira fanfic. One has been removed, but the other is still active. I'll post it below (warning, huge images)
Connor's Fanfic story
This will end it for Part 1. This afternoon, tune in for Part 2 of ConnorBible at TVTropes. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll feel things you didn't know were real.
Edit: nvrmnd, I found his Akira Revival story
Connor makes sure everyone knows about Redesigning Eva and can't answer simple questions. Most interesting is it is blatant that Connor has no original ideas - everything he wants to write is just a fanfic for things he recently watched. Fun fact: Amazon now lets you sell Fanfics on their marketplace. Connor could actually find/replace all instances of Klaus Kreiger to Hannibal "Lecture" and have Eva being redesigned by him and it would probably sell a couple copies.
Connor talks shit about adoption and a mod (rightly) decides he's a troll and locks the thread
Connor follows his own forum-formula to discuss the "nebulous adoption-story" he can never describe, explain, or write.
Maybe the reason Connor is obsessed with the 80's is the huge glut of shitty action movies are the only things he can understand. That was the hot trend, but they were all played straight, and watching them 10+ years after release has convinced him that they can be subverted and done ironically - something that is rarely accomplished well and doesn't age gracefully.
Connor discusses his Akira fanfic. One has been removed, but the other is still active. I'll post it below (warning, huge images)
Connor's Fanfic story
This will end it for Part 1. This afternoon, tune in for Part 2 of ConnorBible at TVTropes. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll feel things you didn't know were real.
Edit: nvrmnd, I found his Akira Revival story
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- Joined
- Feb 4, 2013
It wouldn't be a reference to Frankensetin, but it has the same meaning as it does in the subtitle of Frankenstein. Prometheus stole the fire of the gods and gave it to humanity. Presumably the Prometheus Project is going to "steal" the fire of the "gods" and give it to humanity.
The Prometheus Project's name is the only part of that story that does make sense.
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2014
Sigh, the past couple months Connor was doing so well being cool in chat, making jokes, etc. and I thought he was going to redeem himself much like AFemininePad did. Unfortunately AUTISM, autism never changes.
Connor, I have to ask. What brought you to these forums in the first place? I never see you discussing lolcows. You live in South Carolina with Joe Cracker, you should go meet him sometime. People have mentioned him earlier. Dude is legitimately disabled and can't even drive a car due to this seizures and he's managed to do way more than you ever have and maintains an upbeat attitude about it.
Connor, I have to ask. What brought you to these forums in the first place? I never see you discussing lolcows. You live in South Carolina with Joe Cracker, you should go meet him sometime. People have mentioned him earlier. Dude is legitimately disabled and can't even drive a car due to this seizures and he's managed to do way more than you ever have and maintains an upbeat attitude about it.
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2014
Writing an entire novel is infinitely harder than writing a short story or fanfic. You need to have enough plot, enough interest, enough character motivation and development, enough everything to not only fill out a few hundred pages but also keep the reader entertained and motivated to finish the story. That's very intimidating to me, so I stick with short stories (and fanfiction, yes, I know) for now.
Instead of trying to finish his magnum opus that he's been stalled on for a decade, Connor should really just try and write some short stories if he wants to work past his writer's block. He doesn't have to show them to anybody or even mention them, he just needs to get the feel of writing again. Short stories are really nice because they don't require too much investment from the reader (it's a lot easier to finish a 20 page story than 350 page one) and you don't have to worry about any overarching plot; they're self-contained and don't need to fit into a bigger picture. There's a reason why a lot of famous authors usually have one or two short story collections published.
Instead of trying to finish his magnum opus that he's been stalled on for a decade, Connor should really just try and write some short stories if he wants to work past his writer's block. He doesn't have to show them to anybody or even mention them, he just needs to get the feel of writing again. Short stories are really nice because they don't require too much investment from the reader (it's a lot easier to finish a 20 page story than 350 page one) and you don't have to worry about any overarching plot; they're self-contained and don't need to fit into a bigger picture. There's a reason why a lot of famous authors usually have one or two short story collections published.
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2013
Part 2 of one of Connors Big Adventures at TVTropes
More on Redesigning Eva. Specifically, that his book is literally about everything all at once, including the things you want it to be about when you read it. You know, since it won't ever exist it can be about anything you would like.
Connor joins the Constructive Criticism thread to act like an adult. just kidding he makes a post so awful he's censored and threatened with a suspension. I wish I knew what that post said.
As an Autist, Connor loves TVTropes because they take complex themes and condense them into tight, easily understood ideas. Case in point: the parents from The Breakfast Club - are they Jerkasses or Complete Monsters?
Connor discusses his idea for a play about angsty teenagers who are adopted. Connor has, for three years now, been obsessed with "writing a play" and I have no idea why. Just a few weeks ago he was hoping people would talk to him on WrongPlanet about writing a "play about autism". Nothing new, Connor doesn't have any ideas, blah blah blah.
Connor doesn't understand why people don't want him around. And a very good question is raised: "Are you high or something?" No friend, Connor is just really, really stupid.
More pretentious asshattery
More on Redesigning Eva. Specifically, that his book is literally about everything all at once, including the things you want it to be about when you read it. You know, since it won't ever exist it can be about anything you would like.
Connor joins the Constructive Criticism thread to act like an adult. just kidding he makes a post so awful he's censored and threatened with a suspension. I wish I knew what that post said.
As an Autist, Connor loves TVTropes because they take complex themes and condense them into tight, easily understood ideas. Case in point: the parents from The Breakfast Club - are they Jerkasses or Complete Monsters?
Connor discusses his idea for a play about angsty teenagers who are adopted. Connor has, for three years now, been obsessed with "writing a play" and I have no idea why. Just a few weeks ago he was hoping people would talk to him on WrongPlanet about writing a "play about autism". Nothing new, Connor doesn't have any ideas, blah blah blah.
Connor doesn't understand why people don't want him around. And a very good question is raised: "Are you high or something?" No friend, Connor is just really, really stupid.
More pretentious asshattery
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- Nov 28, 2014
Please keep posting these, they're fascinating! I love seeing people react to Connor, haha. Plus, they're giving some pretty fantastic advice. If Connor won't take it, I will.
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2013
"I'm a method writer"
Method acting is where you do what the character does; so if you're supposed to look like you jogged 5 miles you actually jog 5 miles. Or you're playing a homeless man so you live as a homeless man for a few months so you can truly "understand" homelessness. Trying to get into a character's head is just called "acting".
Basically my point is that Connor is about as method as he is a writer.
Method acting is where you do what the character does; so if you're supposed to look like you jogged 5 miles you actually jog 5 miles. Or you're playing a homeless man so you live as a homeless man for a few months so you can truly "understand" homelessness. Trying to get into a character's head is just called "acting".
Basically my point is that Connor is about as method as he is a writer.
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2013
If Connor has a third account on TVtropes that isn't ConnorBible / Alphance, I can't find it. It looks like he was banned for fucking with the Juno / Breakfast Club pages and adding snarky little things to it. Things like...
And since that wasn't mean enough
Connor tries to imply that the kid from Juno will be abused because it's adopted
"Juno is one of the most devisive films in history, and is a subject of much debate concerning abortion seven fucking years later"
"The Breakfast Club is one of the most comprehensive looks at sociopaths in a psychopathic crapsack world ruled by abusive adults"
But don't worry! Tune in tonight to see Connor's posting history from absolutewrite.com!
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caffeinated_wench
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
I have to say, his ability to answer questions about his work might actually be worse than DisneyFan01's.
- Joined
- May 20, 2014
Oh, this is delicious.
Molly Ringwald writes an advice column for the Guardian, helping readers with their dilemmas.
Who better to help Connor find some direction?
Molly Ringwald writes an advice column for the Guardian, helping readers with their dilemmas.
Who better to help Connor find some direction?
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- Joined
- Jan 27, 2014
"We don't give third chances lightly." Jesus Christ.
OKAY I FINALLY REMEMBERED WHAT REDESIGNING EVA REMINDED ME OF
When I was ten, I wrote a book called "Under The Devil's Eye." I designed a really sweet cover, too! It was of a foreboding-looking eye with flames reflected in it. My greatest masterpiece yet. It was about a homely, introverted girl that was harassed all the time at school, so she makes a pact with Satan about. . .something. . .
. . .& that was as far as I got.
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- Joined
- Oct 13, 2014
I've lurked the TV Tropes forums for a few years, but I don't remember him. I'm assuming he exclusively posted in Writer's Block, which I don't really read. TV Tropes pages' history feature is really barebones, and edits from more than one year ago or so are wiped, so you can probably only see Connor's latest transgressions there.
His profile page is dumb as usual, but honestly I've seen worse. Usually people who put tropes on their profile page use it to talk about how they are Brilliant But Lazy Deadpan Snarkers and Covert Perverts who are Jerks With A Heart Of Gold and post pictures of their Badass Longcoat, which inevitably results in neckbeard overload.
He also has some stuff on his troper page as Connor Bible, but it's in the YMMV section for some reason.
Connor analyzes Alphaboy
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13206206820A85789600&page=1#5
How cynical is my writing?
Is adoption necessarily melodramatic? (No.)
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13174358260A35826800&page=1#11
A "realistic" adoption story
His profile page is dumb as usual, but honestly I've seen worse. Usually people who put tropes on their profile page use it to talk about how they are Brilliant But Lazy Deadpan Snarkers and Covert Perverts who are Jerks With A Heart Of Gold and post pictures of their Badass Longcoat, which inevitably results in neckbeard overload.
He also has some stuff on his troper page as Connor Bible, but it's in the YMMV section for some reason.
Connor analyzes Alphaboy
Tropes Connor doesn't like
Still not shutting up about Juno
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13206206820A85789600&page=1#5
How cynical is my writing?
Is adoption necessarily melodramatic? (No.)
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13174358260A35826800&page=1#11
A "realistic" adoption story
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2013
I probably don't have time for this. Unlike Connor, I have deadlines and if I want to keep them and spork this project, I need Prometheus Corps to genetically splice me an extra set of typing hands. Plus CuriousBystander is making great progress and my contribution can only be redundant.
Anyway, here is a line-by-line analysis of my take on the many, many problems of Redesigning Eva. I feel like I missed a lot.
Anyway, here is a line-by-line analysis of my take on the many, many problems of Redesigning Eva. I feel like I missed a lot.
THE DREAM
Don't start your story with a dream sequence. I have no problem with dream sequences per se, though they're rarely used well--they tend to be more linear than real dreams, for a start-- but coming here at the beginning of the story, it's taking up space that would be better served by establishing character and setting. Dreams are by their nature unreliable and idealized...and more importantly, not real. When you're trying to hook a reader, you don't want to start by faking them out.
The dream was always the same.
She would be lying on the grass in Hollenbeck Park,
Two verb tenses! Ugh, that conditional is so dreadful, and in this case serves to further alienate the reader from what is happening by instead telling us what sometimes happens maybe.
staring up with eyes wide at the clear blue sky. It would be a beautiful day, which was a rarity in her life. There was no one around to bother her, nothing that left a shadow over her. She would, for the first time in her life, experience an emotion that she couldn't understand. Couldn't describe with any real flavor. It was new, and it enveloped her. She embraced it, but the words couldn't come to her as to what it was.
This Lovecraftian device--"let me spend several sentences describing how indescribable something is"--is overused and, again, something that is rarely used well. I can't think of a circumstance in which it would work for describing emotions, which are pretty easy to identify even when they are misplaced or conflicted. For example, I could be all "The Knife experienced an emotion she could not name, but which was like frustration mixed with annoyance undercut with a malicious, persistent glee"--which in this case describes how I feel about reading this story. Here, it's just lazy writing: this character is so entrenched in darkety-darkness that she can't even identify positive emotions anymore!
For fuck's sake, just say "in the dream, she felt happy and at peace in a way she never did when she was awake."
The city of Los Angeles would be surprisingly quiet in that dream. It would be less hectic, less alien to her.
That fucking conditional gets on my nerves a little more every time it's used.
She may have lived in the City of Angels for the longest time,
How long? Twenty years? All her life? Is she an ageless spirit who dwelled here long before the white man came? And does anyone who actually lives in Los Angeles really call it "the City of Angels"?
but she never really felt a part of it. To live and die in L.A.
I see what you did there. Don't.
was an experience she was dumbfounded by.
This new emotion, this day, was not dumbfounding. Not in the slightest.
Faulkner once said to never waste time describing something that isn't happening. This story revels in telling us that what's currently happening is nothing like something we have never seen. It's like me telling you, "The old couch was blue, unlike the new one." Great! Now you know the new couch is not blue! Feel free to bring your own adjectives! It's not like it's my job, as author, to help you visualize things.
Granted, the narrative is trying to hint that the emotion is the opposite of dumbfounding, but that, too, leave a lot of the burden on the reader. I personally have no idea what a lack of "dumbfounding" feels like. I'm not dumbfounded by many things. Toast, for instance, is entirely undumbfounding for me.
Also I am not sure the author knows what "dumbfounded" means.
The water at Hollenbeck, not far from where she would be lying, would be slick and serene, a giant puddle
Enjoy this description. It's all we're going to get.
Could you not think of a better word than "puddle"? I'm not getting a really positive impression from "puddle" and yet you keep insisting this lake or pond or whatever it is is supposed to be calming and tranquil. Puddles have two connotations for me: either it's wet and gloomy, or I'm a little kid in a rain slicker and I'm jumping into them. I don't think either of these are the impression you were going for. Likewise "slick." "Slick" and "serene," while alliterative, are not qualities that seem to pair naturally.
Word choice, kids. Remember: just because you can use a word doesn't mean it's the word you want!
that seemed to live in symmetry with the wind of that perfect day. The water would rise up and slide down the edge of the grass as the wind whooshed and faded intermittently.
Again, word choices. "Slide" is an interesting choice and it actually does a good job describing the motion of water on the edge of a lake but to me, there's something not quite apt about it--but if I can't come up with a better reason than "I don't personally like it," my instinct is to leave it alone. "Whooshing," on the other hand...I strongly suspect that this, again, may have been chosen for its alliterative value with "wind" rather than its evocations. "Whooshing" implies speed and force (so does "wind" for that matter), which is out of keeping for a scene that's supposed to be tranquil.
Of all the dreams that she had had, one had never been this detailed or profound, and certainly not as lasting.
Except all the details we've been provided so far seem rather prosaic and underwhelming. The best I can do is imagine a life so dreary and circumspect that it did not previously include a visit to a wholly underwhelming park.
This is a description of the Nodd's Ridge lake from Tabitha King's Pearl:
But the point is with the description of Hollenbeck Lake, we're being given a big dose of show-don't-tell here. The details we're given do not inspire any profound emotion, but the narration insists that's what we're meant to be feeling. I don't like being told how to feel.
All of a sudden,
Purge this phrase from your vocabularies, people. I never want to see it again unless it's being used for comedy. Wait, I take it back. Too much of a risk. Just pretend it's radioactive.
against the blue sky, there would be a butterfly beating its wings. It was a new addition to the combination of the water and the wind, but it seemed to be hitting the right notes.
...which are? No, really, it's cool. When writing a story you are totally allowed to tell us what things are without resorting to empty cliche. Don't be shy.
It was synchronized as well.
This sentence essentially repeats the "right notes" phrase above and still tells us nothing.
The most interesting part of the dream
OH MY GOD THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT. Don't tell us that something's interesting; show us how interesting it is!
was the fact that the butterfly came down to her. It would land in her open left palm, and stay there. She would exchange a gaze with the butterfly.
Unless this butterfly has a little cartoon face, this gaze is entirely one-sided and this sentence is a nauseating conceit.
It would be a moment of clarity, of sheer wonder.
Leaving aside the fact that the conditional tense is yet again draining this image of any inherent wonder it might contain (I don't usually feel any particular amazement at things that aren't actually happening), this is a prime example of a scene that could have been an interesting image if it wasn't suffering under this dead, distant, wooden prose. And don't tell me that's a stylistic choice meant to reflect the emotional deadness of the character--all we've been told so far implies that this dream is the only place the character actually awakens to the fullness of her emotions, even if she can't precisely label those emotions. But we've seen exactly none of this happening.
I'm going to borrow lightly from a similar scene in one of my own stories:
The nameless feeling she was experiencing had reached a critical point.
At this point I'm just wondering if the author knows the name of any emotion.
Before she could fully realize what it was, the butterfly would take off from her palm, and flutter in the direction of the water.
Another emotion begins to seep into her.
But the author felt we didn't need to know what that emotion was either, so...
Time, once running smoothly, begins to wind down.
She gets up from the grass, and runs after the butterfly, in slow-motion.
You need to lose like, all of those commas in the second sentence, dude. Also, slow motion shouldn't be hyphenated here.
Also, this is something I really dislike and see a lot of: people who appropriate the language of cinematography to patch holes in their lazy writing. It's kind of inevitable, since we've had three generations now who have been watching television well before they learned to read (not condemning, mind) and the stylistic devices of film have crept into literature. Just...not usually this overtly.
The weather begins to change. The sun disappeared, and the sky became charcoal.
These two sentences say the same thing. If you must pick one, pick the second, since at least it's describing something while the other just states it. It might have been a little more helpful had there been some build-up, rather than one bald sentence. You're using this as a transition to an emotional change, as well as a climate change; surely that deserves some significance!
Also if this story swaps tenses one more time, I'm suing it for whiplash.
As soon as the tears begin to roll down her face, the rain comes.
I do not understand this at all. There was no build-up to this. Is she crying because the weather just changed? Because her friend the butterfly wants out of this story as badly as I do? Are they sad tears? Angry tears? Happy tears? Can we, like, feel something here? Anything at all? I'll even accept feeling dumbfounded because I sure as hell am right now.
She dives into the water, and goes down after the butterfly.
And down.
And down.
And down.
Eva Elliot had this nightmare for the past three months.
HOW IS THIS A NIGHTMARE? She goes to a park and is happy. She see a butterfly and is really happy. The butterfly leaves and she's sad. She dives in the water and feels...nothing, so far as I can tell. That's not a nightmare! You even started by saying it's a dream! THE CHAPTER IS CALLED "THE DREAM." We have no evidence of anything nightmarish at all except you telling us so!
This whole dream is so boring, and precisely why you don't start books with dream sequences. We don't learn anything about our main character except that she is frequently "dumbfounded" for reasons the story declines to detail. We don't even learn her name until the final sentence! We don't even know what she looks like! It will be several more chapters before we learn the significance of this scene, which is that her mother died in this park. Honestly, the story would have been better served with an explicit nightmare about her mother's death, rather than this vague, confused butterfly bullshit.
Advice: Excise this chapter entirely. It contributes nothing to character development or plot. Stop telling your readers how to feel about things, and make your characters feel things instead.
Don't start your story with a dream sequence. I have no problem with dream sequences per se, though they're rarely used well--they tend to be more linear than real dreams, for a start-- but coming here at the beginning of the story, it's taking up space that would be better served by establishing character and setting. Dreams are by their nature unreliable and idealized...and more importantly, not real. When you're trying to hook a reader, you don't want to start by faking them out.
The dream was always the same.
She would be lying on the grass in Hollenbeck Park,
Two verb tenses! Ugh, that conditional is so dreadful, and in this case serves to further alienate the reader from what is happening by instead telling us what sometimes happens maybe.
staring up with eyes wide at the clear blue sky. It would be a beautiful day, which was a rarity in her life. There was no one around to bother her, nothing that left a shadow over her. She would, for the first time in her life, experience an emotion that she couldn't understand. Couldn't describe with any real flavor. It was new, and it enveloped her. She embraced it, but the words couldn't come to her as to what it was.
This Lovecraftian device--"let me spend several sentences describing how indescribable something is"--is overused and, again, something that is rarely used well. I can't think of a circumstance in which it would work for describing emotions, which are pretty easy to identify even when they are misplaced or conflicted. For example, I could be all "The Knife experienced an emotion she could not name, but which was like frustration mixed with annoyance undercut with a malicious, persistent glee"--which in this case describes how I feel about reading this story. Here, it's just lazy writing: this character is so entrenched in darkety-darkness that she can't even identify positive emotions anymore!
For fuck's sake, just say "in the dream, she felt happy and at peace in a way she never did when she was awake."
The city of Los Angeles would be surprisingly quiet in that dream. It would be less hectic, less alien to her.
That fucking conditional gets on my nerves a little more every time it's used.
She may have lived in the City of Angels for the longest time,
How long? Twenty years? All her life? Is she an ageless spirit who dwelled here long before the white man came? And does anyone who actually lives in Los Angeles really call it "the City of Angels"?
but she never really felt a part of it. To live and die in L.A.
I see what you did there. Don't.
was an experience she was dumbfounded by.
- Don't end your sentences with participles. If "It was an experience by which she was dumbfounded" makes you want to barf as much as it makes me wanna barf, take your whole sentence out of that nasty passive voice and write "The experience dumbfounded her." See how easy that is? Passive voice does not equal profundity.
- This is where your oh-so-clever name-dropping has gotten you into trouble already. She has thus far experienced living in L.A., but not dying there, therefore she can't be dumbfounded by the experience. This statement is nonsense. You have deliberately including nonsense in your book solely for the sake of making a movie reference that adds nothing to the story. I hope you're happy.
This new emotion, this day, was not dumbfounding. Not in the slightest.
Faulkner once said to never waste time describing something that isn't happening. This story revels in telling us that what's currently happening is nothing like something we have never seen. It's like me telling you, "The old couch was blue, unlike the new one." Great! Now you know the new couch is not blue! Feel free to bring your own adjectives! It's not like it's my job, as author, to help you visualize things.
Granted, the narrative is trying to hint that the emotion is the opposite of dumbfounding, but that, too, leave a lot of the burden on the reader. I personally have no idea what a lack of "dumbfounding" feels like. I'm not dumbfounded by many things. Toast, for instance, is entirely undumbfounding for me.
Also I am not sure the author knows what "dumbfounded" means.
The water at Hollenbeck, not far from where she would be lying, would be slick and serene, a giant puddle
Enjoy this description. It's all we're going to get.
Could you not think of a better word than "puddle"? I'm not getting a really positive impression from "puddle" and yet you keep insisting this lake or pond or whatever it is is supposed to be calming and tranquil. Puddles have two connotations for me: either it's wet and gloomy, or I'm a little kid in a rain slicker and I'm jumping into them. I don't think either of these are the impression you were going for. Likewise "slick." "Slick" and "serene," while alliterative, are not qualities that seem to pair naturally.
Word choice, kids. Remember: just because you can use a word doesn't mean it's the word you want!
that seemed to live in symmetry with the wind of that perfect day. The water would rise up and slide down the edge of the grass as the wind whooshed and faded intermittently.
Again, word choices. "Slide" is an interesting choice and it actually does a good job describing the motion of water on the edge of a lake but to me, there's something not quite apt about it--but if I can't come up with a better reason than "I don't personally like it," my instinct is to leave it alone. "Whooshing," on the other hand...I strongly suspect that this, again, may have been chosen for its alliterative value with "wind" rather than its evocations. "Whooshing" implies speed and force (so does "wind" for that matter), which is out of keeping for a scene that's supposed to be tranquil.
Of all the dreams that she had had, one had never been this detailed or profound, and certainly not as lasting.
Except all the details we've been provided so far seem rather prosaic and underwhelming. The best I can do is imagine a life so dreary and circumspect that it did not previously include a visit to a wholly underwhelming park.
This is a description of the Nodd's Ridge lake from Tabitha King's Pearl:
The lake is a wedge of sapphire in the middle ground between [the mountains], a blue tear in all that rooted rock and green hallelujah of trees.
Holy shit, I wanna see that lake! I especially like this description because of that ambiguous word "tear"--you could read it as "tear" as in "teardrop" (suggesting both its shape and the idea of sorrow) or "tear" as in "rip" (implying violent sundering) and both interpretations could be valid based on its role in the upcoming story. This lake becomes a major figure later in the book, so such a verbose and visually striking image early on (this sentence comes on the first page) is setting us up for future encounters.
But the point is with the description of Hollenbeck Lake, we're being given a big dose of show-don't-tell here. The details we're given do not inspire any profound emotion, but the narration insists that's what we're meant to be feeling. I don't like being told how to feel.
All of a sudden,
Purge this phrase from your vocabularies, people. I never want to see it again unless it's being used for comedy. Wait, I take it back. Too much of a risk. Just pretend it's radioactive.
against the blue sky, there would be a butterfly beating its wings. It was a new addition to the combination of the water and the wind, but it seemed to be hitting the right notes.
...which are? No, really, it's cool. When writing a story you are totally allowed to tell us what things are without resorting to empty cliche. Don't be shy.
It was synchronized as well.
This sentence essentially repeats the "right notes" phrase above and still tells us nothing.
The most interesting part of the dream
OH MY GOD THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT. Don't tell us that something's interesting; show us how interesting it is!
was the fact that the butterfly came down to her. It would land in her open left palm, and stay there. She would exchange a gaze with the butterfly.
Unless this butterfly has a little cartoon face, this gaze is entirely one-sided and this sentence is a nauseating conceit.
It would be a moment of clarity, of sheer wonder.
Leaving aside the fact that the conditional tense is yet again draining this image of any inherent wonder it might contain (I don't usually feel any particular amazement at things that aren't actually happening), this is a prime example of a scene that could have been an interesting image if it wasn't suffering under this dead, distant, wooden prose. And don't tell me that's a stylistic choice meant to reflect the emotional deadness of the character--all we've been told so far implies that this dream is the only place the character actually awakens to the fullness of her emotions, even if she can't precisely label those emotions. But we've seen exactly none of this happening.
I'm going to borrow lightly from a similar scene in one of my own stories:
As she lay in the grass beside the pond, a small, cool shadow danced past her closed lids. She opened her eyes. A butterfly, small and brave and wholly unselfconscious as wild things are, hovered barely a foot above her face. She sat up slowly, hardly daring to breathe, and extended her hand. The butterfly landed in the cup of her palm. Its substance, though real, was utterly without weight. She fought to keep from trembling. The least motion would break the spell.
This is not a great rewrite, but I was trying to cram in a number of things:
- Some emotional heft. As opposed to being told what she felt, we see her actually feeling things.
- Action. It's not huge, but she's performing an action, and the action has risks and consequences. A lot of this chapter has simply been her merely seeing the environment and feeling vague things about it, but she doesn't interact with it at all, even in the most passive ways (compare "The water would rise up and slide down the edge of the grass" and "She heard the water rising and sliding along the edge of the grass." TWO LITTLE WORDS that change your character from an indifferent lump to an active listener! It's that easy!).
- A sense of wonder, which the original narrative wants but can't deliver. The original narrative seems to feel that simply stating "the butterfly landed on her palm" is such a beautiful image that of course the reader will grasp the profundity of the character's emotion at such a moment. This is a trait of a lot of poor writers--they don't seem to realize that the reader does not share their headspace.
- A hint at the character. She's projecting positive traits, perhaps ones she lacks, onto the butterfly: it's small but brave, and it's not self-conscious.
- It's open-ended enough that the reader is asked to bring something to the table as well. Most readers are aware that butterflies are both beautiful and fragile, free but imperiled, and that their lives are typically brief. Butterflies also frequently represent the human soul.
The nameless feeling she was experiencing had reached a critical point.
At this point I'm just wondering if the author knows the name of any emotion.
Before she could fully realize what it was, the butterfly would take off from her palm, and flutter in the direction of the water.
Another emotion begins to seep into her.
But the author felt we didn't need to know what that emotion was either, so...
Time, once running smoothly, begins to wind down.
She gets up from the grass, and runs after the butterfly, in slow-motion.
You need to lose like, all of those commas in the second sentence, dude. Also, slow motion shouldn't be hyphenated here.
Also, this is something I really dislike and see a lot of: people who appropriate the language of cinematography to patch holes in their lazy writing. It's kind of inevitable, since we've had three generations now who have been watching television well before they learned to read (not condemning, mind) and the stylistic devices of film have crept into literature. Just...not usually this overtly.
The weather begins to change. The sun disappeared, and the sky became charcoal.
These two sentences say the same thing. If you must pick one, pick the second, since at least it's describing something while the other just states it. It might have been a little more helpful had there been some build-up, rather than one bald sentence. You're using this as a transition to an emotional change, as well as a climate change; surely that deserves some significance!
Also if this story swaps tenses one more time, I'm suing it for whiplash.
As soon as the tears begin to roll down her face, the rain comes.
I do not understand this at all. There was no build-up to this. Is she crying because the weather just changed? Because her friend the butterfly wants out of this story as badly as I do? Are they sad tears? Angry tears? Happy tears? Can we, like, feel something here? Anything at all? I'll even accept feeling dumbfounded because I sure as hell am right now.
She dives into the water, and goes down after the butterfly.
And down.
And down.
And down.
Eva Elliot had this nightmare for the past three months.
HOW IS THIS A NIGHTMARE? She goes to a park and is happy. She see a butterfly and is really happy. The butterfly leaves and she's sad. She dives in the water and feels...nothing, so far as I can tell. That's not a nightmare! You even started by saying it's a dream! THE CHAPTER IS CALLED "THE DREAM." We have no evidence of anything nightmarish at all except you telling us so!
This whole dream is so boring, and precisely why you don't start books with dream sequences. We don't learn anything about our main character except that she is frequently "dumbfounded" for reasons the story declines to detail. We don't even learn her name until the final sentence! We don't even know what she looks like! It will be several more chapters before we learn the significance of this scene, which is that her mother died in this park. Honestly, the story would have been better served with an explicit nightmare about her mother's death, rather than this vague, confused butterfly bullshit.
Advice: Excise this chapter entirely. It contributes nothing to character development or plot. Stop telling your readers how to feel about things, and make your characters feel things instead.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2014
"Anvilicious: Fiction" does not equal "lecture".
I laughed out loud when I read that. Anvilicious works usually suck, no doubt about that, but there's also no doubt that Connor has probably included a lot of preaching about his own morals in Redesigning Eva and his other work.
Also, @The Knife: Brilliant sporking, I'd love to read more!