🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
So @Connor Bible, gotta ask; did you actually write anything for that project I gave you? You told me you had something done to some degree and I want to see what you managed to come up with.
 
Mauvwomyn Shuffleboard said:
I think what I have to say would be best expressed as a Choose Your Own Adventure book. So here's Connor Quest 2015: Cyclotron Resonance.

You are Connor Bible. You are twenty something years old and weigh somewhere between the number of Pokemon found in Generation 1 and 2. Your crotch is cleaner than previously described and is no longer infected by fungus. Your dream in life is to become a famous writer and to somehow marry Molly Ringwald as she was at some point in the 80's. You are currently taking some classes at a local community college and working on your novels Redesigning Eva and Alphaboy.

However, there are several obstacles standing in the way of your dream. You have no source of income and live with your parents. Your parents are strict and controlling and deny you your freedoms. And worst of all, an intrepid band of farmers from New Zealanders have besieged your online presence with harsh criticisms and insults.

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Focus on your studies - Go to page 3
Get a job - Go to page 4
Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 6

You have to write something before you can be a famous author.

What do you want to do?

Work on your novels - Go to page 7
Tell the New Zealanders that you're working on your novels - Go to page 8
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You focus on the one class you're taking and are confident with your grasp on the material.

What do you want to do?

Take another class - Go to page 10
Tell the New Zealanders that you're doing fine in school - Go to page 11
Take a full course load next semester - Go to page 12
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You look into local opportunities for employment. Without any experience or education your options are somewhat limited. You find that the library is looking for volunteers and if that doesn't work out you could always apply for a fast food position.

Suddenly, your mother barges into your room! "What are you doing? You better not be talking to those assholes from New Zealand again."

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell your mom the truth - Go to page 13
Use Magic Missile on your mom - Go to page 14
Pretend you weren't doing anything and tell the New Zealanders your mom is out to get you - Go to page 15

Your military advisor suggests you consider another course of action. You disregard their advice.

Fucky you, New Zealand. You log onto the online and give those assholes a piece of your mind. Their reaction is mixed between hostility and shameless attention seeking.

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Continue posting - Go to page 16

You try to marry Molly Ringwald, but she doesn't know who you are. Isn't she already married anyway?

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Focus on your studies - Go to page 3
Get a job - Go to page 4
Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Contact Molly Ringwald - Go to page 17

Gee whiz, writing sure is tough. You make some progress on your novels through hard work and determination.

What do you want to do?

Tell the New Zealanders you're working on your novels - Go to page 8
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Keep working on your novel - Go to page 18
Post a sample from your novel - Go to page 19

The New Zealanders don't really care that you're working on it, they demand results. They also call you fatty fatty ding dongs a couple times.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Keep working on your novel - Go to page 18
Post a sample from your novel - Go to page 19

What's the point of doing anything? Nobody likes you. You're never going to make it, why even try? Society expects you to put on a mask and be something you aren't, but you're not going to be just another mindless sheep. They shouldn't expect you to settle for anything other than greatness and greatness is what you will achieve. Not now though, but tomorrow is another day.

Return to page 1

Taking one class at a time seems to be working just fine. At this rate you'll definitely graduate eventually, right? Maybe it's time to try something else.

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Get a job - Go to page 4
Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 6
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell the New Zealanders that you're doing fine in school - Go to page 11

Nobody cares about how you're doing in your one class. They suggest maybe try taking a normal amount of classes like everyone else seems to do. Someone asks who your top 5 MCs are. You ignore them, that's a stupid question.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Take a full course load next semester - Go to page 12

Whoa now, let's not get carried away.

What do you want to do now?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You tell your mom that you're looking for a job. She encourages you and offers to drive you there if you need a ride.

You feel nothing but regret for this decision. You don't think you're ready for a job yet. Maybe it'd be better to work on your writing and get published instead of wasting away in a dead end job for peanuts like all those other slobs.

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell the New Zealanders your mom is out to get you - Go to page 15

You realize that you have only prepared Grease today and used it on your skin this morning. Thinking quickly, you throw a wad of paper at your mom and hiss. She is not surprised by this and she is certainly not proud. You curse under your breath that the bitch must be wearing a Brooch of Shielding.

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell the New Zealanders your mom is out to get you - Go to page 15

The New Zealanders don't believe your mom intends on holding you back or causing you harm in any way. They assume you're just being a drama queen and are the only thing standing in the way of your own success. One also invites you to an amusement park for some reason. You decline because your mom wouldn't let you do that, your mom doesn't want you to be happy. She doesn't understand your inner struggle as an artist.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You keep posting. You post with all your heart. You are filled with many complex feelings. Anger, sorrow, rage. You pour out the vials of your wrath onto the forum. You even post a soundtrack to your fury but to your surprise it appeared as the Benny Hill theme rather than what you had intended.

They laugh and continue seeking your validation.

What do you do now?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Post even harder! - Go to page 20
Ask why your song was replaced with the Benny Hill theme - Go to page 21

You contact the Molly Ringwald account on the Kiwi Farms. She seems nice and you have a pleasant conversation.

What do you do now?

Ask the New Zealanders if she's real - Go to page 22
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 23

You work on your novel some more. You might even get halfway through the first draft within two years time at this rate! With the utmost confidence you post it and show those stupid New Zealanders that you weren't just fucking around.

Go to page 19

The first reviews for your story arrive.

"Lol, what? 2/10" - Kiwi Monthly
"WOW. That's unrealistic content. Press 2." - Jace Connors
"Beautiful. A work of art. 5 stars." - Smutley
"Connor and writing are a bad combination. 3/10" - Those Fucking Assholes from New Zealand
"It's absolute trash. Are you sure you ever passed third grade English? You couldn't write your way out of the putrid sack of shit you call your own skin. 9/10" - IGN

They don't seem to like it very much.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You post harder but no matter how hard you try they just keep laughing. They are using you and you are the fool. You are being torn apart emotionally.

Go to page 9

Nobody seems to remember your post containing anything except for the Benny Hill theme. Your grip on reality must be slowly fading away. What else have you done without noticing? This is some serious shit. You decide to step away from the computer for now.

Go to page 9

There's a mixed response. Some people are suggesting that she is indeed real and you are in the wrong for ever doubting her. Other people are expressing surprise at the fact that you still believe she's real because holy shit dude how fucking obvious is it that they're just fucking with you at this point?

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 23

As it turns out, that wasn't Molly Ringwald at all. She posts the screencaps of your embarrassing conversation with her. You are a laughingstock.

Go to page 9

How did you get here? There is no path that leads to this point. But if there was it would be very nice, wouldn't it?

You try to leave the New Zealanders behind, every time you talk to them it seems like it only causes you pain. Null might not ever nuke your account, being the gutless motherfucker that he is, but through some self-discipline you manage to not return all on your own. Without worrying about your online reputation your possibilities are limitless. Gradually they stop talking about you and your thread falls into obscurity for the most part.

Well, maybe not limitless. You'll never marry Molly Ringwald and at the rate you're going you won't ever graduate from community college. Your novels probably won't get published and you still don't have a job.

Maybe the New Zealanders weren't the problem at all, maybe it was your tendency to get lost in your own misery and give up. Maybe if you stayed determined and worked hard you could finally get what you wanted all along.

No, it was their fault. Nothing they say can help you and the damage they've already done is irreversible. Fuck them.

Congratulations?
Click to expand...
Guys help.

I can't reach the happy end where Connor is a successful author and married Molly Ringwald and laughs at the pitiful little Kiwis that grovel at his feet and beg for an ounce of generosity.

What do?
 
Connor Bible said:
Yeah, but I doubt people will take it seriously a couple of years from now. If this were Japan, I would be culturally obligated to kill myself because of the shame this would bring, but since we're in America and I like being alive, I'm confident people would be more forgiving.
Click to expand...

This is spot on. When you're finished with a project, no publisher looking over the first couple chapters is going to stop what they're doing and Google your name. They're going to want to see the rest of it. Artists are temperamental, it's kind of their thing. A Publisher would probably be more suspicious if you weren't eccentric.
 
Smutley said:
Artists are temperamental, it's kind of their thing. A Publisher would probably be more suspicious if you weren't eccentric.
Click to expand...

Genius and insanity often share the same bed. Keep in mind it was the caveman obsessive enough to sit there banging two rocks together for twenty hours straight that gave mankind the first spearhead.
 
Connor Bible said:
Yeah, but I doubt people will take it seriously a couple of years from now. If this were Japan, I would be culturally obligated to kill myself because of the shame this would bring, but since we're in America and I like being alive, I'm confident people would be more forgiving.
Click to expand...
Oh fuck off and stop thinking that what you see in animu is a real representation of life in Japan.

If this had happened over there nobody would care what some fat, overweight hikikomori did. Not even the CEOs of failed corporations that are guilty of embezzlement commit seppuku. In fact the only people that do kill themselves are usually by chuoside in the greater Tokyo area by throwing themselves in front of an express train on the Chuo line. Or by locking themselves in the bathroom of their apartment. Sealing the door and mixing some household chemicals to create a toxic gas that will kill them. Of course they go by the expedient route of taping a warning note on the door warning people of what they did so as not to accidentally poison somebody looking for them. But these are normal everyday people that simply can't handle the stress of living and working there. And if you think you've got stress from trying to write then you don't know what stress is my friend.

The last person to commit seppuku was famed playwright Mishima after a failed coup. When this happened and he cut himself people were saddened by it but almost everybody agreed that such a thing was no longer welcome in modern day Japan.
 
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Zeorus said:
Maybe TCL has an anthropology course Connor can take next semester.
Click to expand...
He'll probably take another single solitary math class since he wants to get the hard stuff out of the way and if he wants a Bachelors of Anything At All, he's going to have to get at least as far as beginning Calculus.
 
sikotik said:
He'll probably take another single solitary math class since he wants to get the hard stuff out of the way and if he wants a Bachelors of Anything At All, he's going to have to get at least as far as beginning Calculus.
Click to expand...

Actually, Penn State -- way back before even Iconoclast went to undergrad -- let you do symbolic logic for math credit. They also had a "history of mathematics" class that people could sleep through and get an A. The popular name for this class was "Math for Poets." I think I wrote a poem about that, although since it was probably very bad because undergrad, I am not sad that it has been buried in the sands of time. So perhaps Connor can escape what is normally an integral part of the college experience; he'd probably just find it derivative anyway, or say it limits him, or something. If not, we know it's a sine of the End Times. /four awful math puns, four, ahahaha
 
Y'know, Connor's life would be massively improved if he stopped trying to justify himself to us.

It's not like he has to bow to all of our wishes nor does he have to completely ignore our criticism, but it always feels like he's trying to get our validation, and honestly he'd be a lot more happy if he just stopped trying to please the people that are deliberately egging him on.

... Although I have a feeling Connor's too autistic to tell the difference.
 
Accel_Rider said:
Was he really trying to please the people in this thread? If that's the case, he's the worst ass kisser I've ever seen
Click to expand...
He keeps trying to push Alphaboy and Redesigning Eva, and I imagine this is probably due to the criticism given to him by some Kiwis such as The Knife. He's trying to show that he's a great author after a bunch of other people have shit on him for his writing skills.

It's true that he needs to improve and that a lot of us are offering him genuine criticism, but if he would just stop blindly jumping at the chance to somehow win against the Farms he might notice that some people are prodding him for the sake of prodding him.
 
Phil Ken Sebben said:
Oh fuck off and stop thinking that what you see in animu is a real representation of life in Japan.

If this had happened over there nobody would care what some fat, overweight hikikomori did. Not even the CEOs of failed corporations that are guilty of embezzlement commit seppuku. In fact the only people that do kill themselves are usually by chuoside in the greater Tokyo area by throwing themselves in front of an express train on the Chuo line. Or by locking themselves in the bathroom of their apartment. Sealing the door and mixing some household chemicals to create a toxic gas that will kill them. Of course they go by the expedient route of taping a warning note on the door warning people of what they did so as not to accidentally poison somebody looking for them. But these are normal everyday people that simply can't handle the stress of living and working there. And if you think you've got stress from trying to write then you don't know what stress is my friend.

The last person to commit seppuku was famed playwright Mishima after a failed coup. When this happened and he cut himself people were saddened by it but almost everybody agreed that such a thing was no longer welcome in modern day Japan.
Click to expand...
Maybe Connor has heard about students killing themselves out of "shame" for not doing well enough in school and somehow thinks it's the norm and not the very rare exception. Otherwise I've got nothing because I think Connor's exposure to Japanese culture is limited to just Evangelion and Godzilla movies.
 
MysticMisty said:
Maybe Connor has heard about students killing themselves out of "shame" for not doing well enough in school and somehow thinks it's the norm and not the very rare exception. Otherwise I've got nothing because I think Connor's exposure to Japanese culture is limited to just Evangelion and Godzilla movies.
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If a Western loser kills himself he was a loser who killed himself. If a Japanese loser kills himself it is because he was dishonored.
 
Has Connor ever bothered to actually learn Japanese? Or would that take too much effort?

このがグーガールツラーンスレートを使ったりに読む。ね、コンナーおくらせるさん？
 
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MysticMisty said:
Maybe Connor has heard about students killing themselves out of "shame" for not doing well enough in school and somehow thinks it's the norm and not the very rare exception. Otherwise I've got nothing because I think Connor's exposure to Japanese culture is limited to just Evangelion and Godzilla movies.
Click to expand...
He's about on point when it comes to Glorious Nippon as our Queen happens to be.

*Asterisk* said:
Has Connor ever bothered to actually learn Japanese? Or would that take too much effort?

このがグーガールツラーンスレートを使ったりに読む。ね、コンナーおくらせるさん？
Click to expand...

それは努力が必要だろう。換言すれば、いいえ。And apologies to any Japanese people here but my Japanese is getting very rusty.

Accel_Rider said:
Is this what it means?

Used to read the Gagerrzlern slate. It's slow and Connor

I used http://translationparty.com
Click to expand...

It's a little tricky because I'm not 100% sure what @*Asterisk* is actually saying there. If I were to hazard a translation I'd say it was, "This is Goo Girls learn slate read it or use it. Right Mr. Delay Conner?" I'm really not sure what "Goo Girls learn slate" is and I'm almost afraid to google the term. It might be some animu term that Conner is familiar with though.
 
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