🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account

Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
Connor Bible said:
Hey guys. The router at my house died, so I have been without Internet access over there for the past couple of days. However, I did get just a tiny bit of writing done. It wasn't ten pages, but it was something.
Click to expand...
So let me get this straight. Without the... distraction that the internet could have caused you instead of buckling down and actually writing something you chose to do something else.

Connor how badly do you want this? I'm being totally honest and not snarky at all? How badly do you want to become a writer. I'm not talking a famous writer, that comes later. No I'm talking just becoming a writer. What I've seen so far doesn't seem to match up with what it is you're saying. Part of me wonders if this is all an illusion and you really just want to sit on your fat ass and pretend at playing a writer as an excuse to not do anything.

When I wanted to lose weight I set a strict exercise and diet regiment for myself. I started off with a six day schedule waking up early and did cardio the first day for thirty minutes and light weights the second day again for roughly thirty minutes around the home. And I stuck to it because I was sick of being a doughy blob of protoplasm that got winded walked up a couple flights of stairs. When those thirty minutes weren't enough I did it for an hour in the gym. Cardio was using whatever machines were available and actually working on sets of muscles instead of whole body. There were mornings that I didn't want to get up and it was so much easier to just lie there and go back to sleep especially on the weekend. There were days that I didn't feel like working out and thought I could miss a day and then just hit the gym harder the next. But I kicked my sorry ass out of bed and got going. Why? It's because I asked myself how badly did I want this. I didn't want to go back to being the person I was before and that right there was enough motivation to keep going. I'll admit I don't work out as hard as I used to but with the time and the discipline that I spent on that the chances of me backsliding into the doughy mess I was is pretty slim.

What I'm saying is that you need to find that thing that motivates you to write. I don't care what it is. Maybe it's the idea that one day you will be successful. Or seeing your name in print for the first time. Or hell maybe it's totally short term like you can't masturbate until you've written 10 pages and so on.

But the truth is Connor, I don't see this kind of dedication in you. You want it quick. And you want it with as little effort as possible. And while some might be able to hit a home run out of the park the very first time up at bat you unfortunately are not one of them and you need to work at it.

So back to the original question: How badly do you want this?
 
I think what I have to say would be best expressed as a Choose Your Own Adventure book. So here's Connor Quest 2015: Cyclotron Resonance.

You are Connor Bible. You are twenty something years old and weigh somewhere between the number of Pokemon found in Generation 1 and 2. Your crotch is cleaner than previously described and is no longer infected by fungus. Your dream in life is to become a famous writer and to somehow marry Molly Ringwald as she was at some point in the 80's. You are currently taking some classes at a local community college and working on your novels Redesigning Eva and Alphaboy.

However, there are several obstacles standing in the way of your dream. You have no source of income and live with your parents. Your parents are strict and controlling and deny you your freedoms. And worst of all, an intrepid band of farmers from New Zealanders have besieged your online presence with harsh criticisms and insults.

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Focus on your studies - Go to page 3
Get a job - Go to page 4
Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 6

You have to write something before you can be a famous author.

What do you want to do?

Work on your novels - Go to page 7
Tell the New Zealanders that you're working on your novels - Go to page 8
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You focus on the one class you're taking and are confident with your grasp on the material.

What do you want to do?

Take another class - Go to page 10
Tell the New Zealanders that you're doing fine in school - Go to page 11
Take a full course load next semester - Go to page 12
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You look into local opportunities for employment. Without any experience or education your options are somewhat limited. You find that the library is looking for volunteers and if that doesn't work out you could always apply for a fast food position.

Suddenly, your mother barges into your room! "What are you doing? You better not be talking to those assholes from New Zealand again."

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell your mom the truth - Go to page 13
Use Magic Missile on your mom - Go to page 14
Pretend you weren't doing anything and tell the New Zealanders your mom is out to get you - Go to page 15

Your military advisor suggests you consider another course of action. You disregard their advice.

Fucky you, New Zealand. You log onto the online and give those assholes a piece of your mind. Their reaction is mixed between hostility and shameless attention seeking.

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Continue posting - Go to page 16

You try to marry Molly Ringwald, but she doesn't know who you are. Isn't she already married anyway?

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Focus on your studies - Go to page 3
Get a job - Go to page 4
Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Contact Molly Ringwald - Go to page 17

Gee whiz, writing sure is tough. You make some progress on your novels through hard work and determination.

What do you want to do?

Tell the New Zealanders you're working on your novels - Go to page 8
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Keep working on your novel - Go to page 18
Post a sample from your novel - Go to page 19

The New Zealanders don't really care that you're working on it, they demand results. They also call you fatty fatty ding dongs a couple times.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Keep working on your novel - Go to page 18
Post a sample from your novel - Go to page 19

What's the point of doing anything? Nobody likes you. You're never going to make it, why even try? Society expects you to put on a mask and be something you aren't, but you're not going to be just another mindless sheep. They shouldn't expect you to settle for anything other than greatness and greatness is what you will achieve. Not now though, but tomorrow is another day.

Return to page 1

Taking one class at a time seems to be working just fine. At this rate you'll definitely graduate eventually, right? Maybe it's time to try something else.

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Get a job - Go to page 4
Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 6
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell the New Zealanders that you're doing fine in school - Go to page 11

Nobody cares about how you're doing in your one class. They suggest maybe try taking a normal amount of classes like everyone else seems to do. Someone asks who your top 5 MCs are. You ignore them, that's a stupid question.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Take a full course load next semester - Go to page 12

Whoa now, let's not get carried away.

What do you want to do now?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You tell your mom that you're looking for a job. She encourages you and offers to drive you there if you need a ride.

You feel nothing but regret for this decision. You don't think you're ready for a job yet. Maybe it'd be better to work on your writing and get published instead of wasting away in a dead end job for peanuts like all those other slobs.

What do you want to do?

Be a famous author - Go to page 2
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell the New Zealanders your mom is out to get you - Go to page 15

You realize that you have only prepared Grease today and used it on your skin this morning. Thinking quickly, you throw a wad of paper at your mom and hiss. She is not surprised by this and she is certainly not proud. You curse under your breath that the bitch must be wearing a Brooch of Shielding.

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Tell the New Zealanders your mom is out to get you - Go to page 15

The New Zealanders don't believe your mom intends on holding you back or causing you harm in any way. They assume you're just being a drama queen and are the only thing standing in the way of your own success. One also invites you to an amusement park for some reason. You decline because your mom wouldn't let you do that, your mom doesn't want you to be happy. She doesn't understand your inner struggle as an artist.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You keep posting. You post with all your heart. You are filled with many complex feelings. Anger, sorrow, rage. You pour out the vials of your wrath onto the forum. You even post a soundtrack to your fury but to your surprise it appeared as the Benny Hill theme rather than what you had intended.

They laugh and continue seeking your validation.

What do you do now?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Post even harder! - Go to page 20
Ask why your song was replaced with the Benny Hill theme - Go to page 21

You contact the Molly Ringwald account on the Kiwi Farms. She seems nice and you have a pleasant conversation.

What do you do now?

Ask the New Zealanders if she's real - Go to page 22
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 23

You work on your novel some more. You might even get halfway through the first draft within two years time at this rate! With the utmost confidence you post it and show those stupid New Zealanders that you weren't just fucking around.

Go to page 19

The first reviews for your story arrive.

"Lol, what? 2/10" - Kiwi Monthly
"WOW. That's unrealistic content. Press 2." - Jace Connors
"Beautiful. A work of art. 5 stars." - Smutley
"Connor and writing are a bad combination. 3/10" - Those Fucking Assholes from New Zealand
"It's absolute trash. Are you sure you ever passed third grade English? You couldn't write your way out of the putrid sack of shit you call your own skin. 9/10" - IGN

They don't seem to like it very much.

What do you want to do?

Declare war on New Zealand - Go to page 5
Wallow in misery - Go to page 9

You post harder but no matter how hard you try they just keep laughing. They are using you and you are the fool. You are being torn apart emotionally.

Go to page 9

Nobody seems to remember your post containing anything except for the Benny Hill theme. Your grip on reality must be slowly fading away. What else have you done without noticing? This is some serious shit. You decide to step away from the computer for now.

Go to page 9

There's a mixed response. Some people are suggesting that she is indeed real and you are in the wrong for ever doubting her. Other people are expressing surprise at the fact that you still believe she's real because holy shit dude how fucking obvious is it that they're just fucking with you at this point?

What do you want to do?

Wallow in misery - Go to page 9
Marry Molly Ringwald - Go to page 23

As it turns out, that wasn't Molly Ringwald at all. She posts the screencaps of your embarrassing conversation with her. You are a laughingstock.

Go to page 9

How did you get here? There is no path that leads to this point. But if there was it would be very nice, wouldn't it?

You try to leave the New Zealanders behind, every time you talk to them it seems like it only causes you pain. Null might not ever nuke your account, being the gutless motherfucker that he is, but through some self-discipline you manage to not return all on your own. Without worrying about your online reputation your possibilities are limitless. Gradually they stop talking about you and your thread falls into obscurity for the most part.

Well, maybe not limitless. You'll never marry Molly Ringwald and at the rate you're going you won't ever graduate from community college. Your novels probably won't get published and you still don't have a job.

Maybe the New Zealanders weren't the problem at all, maybe it was your tendency to get lost in your own misery and give up. Maybe if you stayed determined and worked hard you could finally get what you wanted all along.

No, it was their fault. Nothing they say can help you and the damage they've already done is irreversible. Fuck them.

Congratulations?
 
Phil Ken Sebben said:
So let me get this straight. Without the... distraction that the internet could have caused you instead of buckling down and actually writing something you chose to do something else.

Connor how badly do you want this? I'm being totally honest and not snarky at all? How badly do you want to become a writer. I'm not talking a famous writer, that comes later. No I'm talking just becoming a writer. What I've seen so far doesn't seem to match up with what it is you're saying. Part of me wonders if this is all an illusion and you really just want to sit on your fat ass and pretend at playing a writer as an excuse to not do anything.

When I wanted to lose weight I set a strict exercise and diet regiment for myself. I started off with a six day schedule waking up early and did cardio the first day for thirty minutes and light weights the second day again for roughly thirty minutes around the home. And I stuck to it because I was sick of being a doughy blob of protoplasm that got winded walked up a couple flights of stairs. When those thirty minutes weren't enough I did it for an hour in the gym. Cardio was using whatever machines were available and actually working on sets of muscles instead of whole body. There were mornings that I didn't want to get up and it was so much easier to just lie there and go back to sleep especially on the weekend. There were days that I didn't feel like working out and thought I could miss a day and then just hit the gym harder the next. But I kicked my sorry ass out of bed and got going. Why? It's because I asked myself how badly did I want this. I didn't want to go back to being the person I was before and that right there was enough motivation to keep going. I'll admit I don't work out as hard as I used to but with the time and the discipline that I spent on that the chances of me backsliding into the doughy mess I was is pretty slim.

What I'm saying is that you need to find that thing that motivates you to write. I don't care what it is. Maybe it's the idea that one day you will be successful. Or seeing your name in print for the first time. Or hell maybe it's totally short term like you can't masturbate until you've written 10 pages and so on.

But the truth is Connor, I don't see this kind of dedication in you. You want it quick. And you want it with as little effort as possible. And while some might be able to hit a home run out of the park the very first time up at bat you unfortunately are not one of them and you need to work at it.

So back to the original question: How badly do you want this?
Click to expand...
Phil, I want to be really frank: I want to become a writer. I want to get some stuff done, and get my name out there. I may not be successful right off the bat. I'm going to have stinkers and duds, and that's if they're even published. I wish I could just write a first draft without fear, y'know? I wish I can simply get the story on the page and out of my head without worrying about perfection, originality, accuracy, and so on. I just need to keep myself motivated. I need to tell myself that I can get through this. If I keep writing, I'll get better over time. The first draft of RE was terrible, but it was something tangible, even if it was only about 120 pages. I need to be more enthusiastic.
 
Chicken Dippers said:
Connor, your name is already out there. However, unfortunately for you, it links to this thread.
Click to expand...
Yeah, but I doubt people will take it seriously a couple of years from now. If this were Japan, I would be culturally obligated to kill myself because of the shame this would bring, but since we're in America and I like being alive, I'm confident people would be more forgiving.
 
Well... I'm definitely willing to help, I guess. 's why I PM'd you, brah. Although I will admit, I'm not entirely sure it'll work. You, uh, have a bit of a reputation for being somewhat stubborn.
 
Chicken Dippers said:
Well... I'm definitely willing to help, I guess. 's why I PM'd you, brah. Although I will admit, I'm not entirely sure it'll work. You, uh, have a bit of a reputation for being somewhat stubborn.
Click to expand...
It helps to keep a positive attitude. Too much pessimism is bad for your mental health. And yes, I confess that I am a very stubborn young man. I really need to cool my jets.
Randy Lahey said:
maybe you should leave this website and not come back
Click to expand...
To tell you the truth, some of the stuff posted here about the other lolcows is hilarious. I've actually laughed reading this thread sometimes.
 
Connor Bible said:
It helps to keep a positive attitude. Too much pessimism is bad for your mental health. And yes, I confess that I am a very stubborn young man. I really need to cool my jets.
Click to expand...
Maybe it's been covered before, but have you ever been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder? Your mood swings as exhibited in this thread would suggest something like that, I think if you were better informed and able to cope with your ups and downs you would see a huge improvement.
 
Connor Bible said:
Phil, I want to be really frank: I want to become a writer.
Click to expand...
Yes, I've heard this before but what I'm not seeing is actual commitment. It's really easy to say that you want to be a writer. It's not easy to put that into practice and this is what I'm not seeing. You say that your router was down yesterday and because of that could only write a couple pages on your tablet. Sorry but the router being up or down doesn't affect the PC other than it's ability to connect to the internet. You could have sat down at the PC and typed. Or set yourself a time limit and an idea and just get as much of it down before the time limit was up. These are writing exercises that force you to write and force you to keep writing even if the end result is crap. Set a realistic goal and go for it. But above all you need to practice.

Franz Liszt is known as being a virtuoso on the piano but he's oftentimes overshadowed by such luminaries as Mozart and Chopin. That's not to say they were any better than he was, they're just a lot better known.

He used to practice on the piano for 3-4 hours a day every day and he was already famous at this point. When asked why he bothered to do so when he was already hailed as the best pianist of his generation he said something along the lines of, "if I skip practice for a day, I notice it the next day. If I skip practice for two days, then my friends notice. If I skip practice for three days then the audience notices." In other words he needed to keep working at it even though he was already at the top of his game. This was just to maintain what he had.

I want to get some stuff done, and get my name out there. I may not be successful right off the bat. I'm going to have stinkers and duds, and that's if they're even published.
Click to expand...
Then you need to work at it. You need to practice. You need to get into the mindset that between 2pm and 4pm you are going to sit in front of the PC every day and you are going to write. You will not open a browser window. You will not play games. You will inform your parents that this is your writing time. And you will stick to it. The time you choose to do this is of course when it's best for you but the idea remains. Then you sit in front of the PC and write. IT doesn't matter if nothing comes to mind. Stare at a blank page if necessary but you need to get into the mindset that this is your time to do this.

This is part of why I gave that spoiler in my previous message. Ask yourself how badly you want it. And if it's not bad enough then all the encouragement in the world will not change it. You need to want this and want to do whatever you can to succeed. This means discipline and not shirking it for anything.

Can you do that? Yes or no. Like Yoda said, "do or do not. There is no try"

I wish I could just write a first draft without fear, y'know? I wish I can simply get the story on the page and out of my head without worrying about perfection, originality, accuracy, and so on. I just need to keep myself motivated. I need to tell myself that I can get through this. If I keep writing, I'll get better over time.
Click to expand...
Then write it for your eyes only. You are your worst critic but you also need to be your own biggest fan.

I wrote stuff when I was younger that sucked donkey balls even though at the time I thought it was brilliant. I learned a lot in part because I was sending these things in to publications to get them published and the rejection letters piled up on my desk but I didn't let that get me down.

I kept writing. I kept polishing. I kept learning. The rejection letters still came but now they had hand written annotations to them. Some of these I still have because it showed the editor saw something in my works and liked what they saw but it wasn't up to their standards but that just encouraged me more. The handwritten notes became personalized rejection letters which are, next to being published, the holy grail of writers. The editor took time out of their busy schedule to pen a letter personally to you and sign it. Bonus points are if they wrote it themselves by hand but I never got one although the first one I got that was addressed to me personally and signed is now framed on my wall. This showed that I was on the right track and then came the day that I finally got one published. It was a short story dealing with vampires with an erotic edge to it. Think sensual without getting graphic. I don't even know if the 'zine is still being published but who cares? Fact is that it took me... about six years from the time I started scribbling things in my notebooks at school to actually getting published.

Part of me wanted to continue but by that point I had had enough. Six years, two of which I had been trying to do this "professionally" and all I managed to make out of it was a couple hundred bucks. Hardly a good start to a career but it is what it is.

Show us that you can be disciplined. Show us that you can put actual effort into writing. Convince us that you have the right stuff and I can guarantee you that we'll be happy for you if you do. I'm not going to hold my breath though because this has been going on for so long and all I hear from you is talk.

It's time for action. Either you put up or shut up.
 
Connor Bible said:
I wish I could just write a first draft without fear, y'know?
Click to expand...
I've found that one of the best ways to inspire myself and motivate myself to try creating anything (**I'm not a writer. I have a passing interest in words and stories and will, short of a miracle, never see print in my life.) is to believe that the story I want to tell already exists in its entirety- I just need to discover the details. Whenever I'm in this mindset, I never feel like it's a chore to build up a world and characters. I also never feel like I'm "wrong" for anything that I end up seeing. When you take off your "Creator" hat and put on your "Explorer" hat, a lot of pressure goes away.
 
"Hah. This is ridiculous. I'm bigger than you, stronger than you, and I'm quicker than you."
"Well, lay on."
(swords clash)
"Ten hours a day, demon. For thirty years. Teaching people who were stronger than me, faster than me, bigger than me...."
(He Riposts a Riverso lunge from high carte, running the demon through it's heart)
"What they needed to be actual swordsmen. Rot."

-Lord Christopher Rudd, Lucifer: A Dalliance with the Dammed.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom