- Joined
- Jan 18, 2019
It seems like fewer and fewer people every year are baking cookies at home, even if they want that in their lives. This is especially noticeable in December, as displays at the Wally World are stacked to the stratosphere with goyslop abominations that look as though they've been molded from actual Play-Doh that people buy in lieu of so much as throwing a chopped up log of premade Pillsbury dough into the oven. But we can do better than that, can't we? Even if you don't think you can, I know you can. Whether you're Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee or a member of the from-scratch peanut butter blossoms master race, you and yours deserve a few cozy hours of winter that only come from within a home that smells of freshly baked cookies. After all, it is tradition.
Please join in with all things Christmas cookie related, regardless of your baking experience.
(Not mine, just behold their festive glory.)
If from-scratch is out of your skillset or time budget, or if you simply want a grand variety of flavors for the same time and effort put into just a few batches of from-scratch, you can make either shaped cookies or drop-style from any flavor of boxed cake mix and beyond. Drop-style is especially expedient for the particularly busy kiwis.
Bonus tip 2: Put your dough between two pieces of parchment paper during the rolling process in order to avoid screwing it over with additional flour that will absorb precious moisture and make your cookies bland.
Bonus tip 3: Twist and fold together the awkward scraps of dough left at the end of each flavor (that are compatible with each other) to make visually appealing and delicious marbled cookies that look far more impressive than they actually are.
Bonus tip 4: Bake as many individual cookies one at a time as it takes for you to get your bearings between the dough and your oven.
Bonus tip 5: Make two-ingredient, microwave ganache from some baking morsels and a few splashes of milk. It tastes better, the texture is better, it impresses others, and it can look better due to the smooth texture. Make at least two kinds, and you'll blow people away with a simple and gorgeous drizzle effect. You can also pipe it from a sandwich baggie with a poked hole in one corner to make very fine details such as drawing faces and writing names.
Bonus tip 6: Use sugar free cake mix as your base if you want to use cookies as bait to find out who likes to steal more than their allotted share. Just wait for the literal bellyaching that happens before they start farting like a fucking chainsaw from the maltitol as it propels them straight to the restroom. Get wrecked, greedy grinch faggots.
Please join in with all things Christmas cookie related, regardless of your baking experience.
(Not mine, just behold their festive glory.)
If from-scratch is out of your skillset or time budget, or if you simply want a grand variety of flavors for the same time and effort put into just a few batches of from-scratch, you can make either shaped cookies or drop-style from any flavor of boxed cake mix and beyond. Drop-style is especially expedient for the particularly busy kiwis.
- one standard box of cake mix, any flavor
- one large egg
- half a stick of butter for shapes, full stick of butter for drop-style; softened to room-temp, or melted and cooled to room-temp
- Add your butter and egg to your cake mix in or on a surface suitable for working cookie dough. This is also when your colors, powders, and/or extracts should be added, if you fancy.
- Work the ingredients together completely.
- Add water one teaspoon at a time, working the dough again between each teaspoon, until the dough has lost the wet sand-looking characteristics that prevent it from retaining its form.
- If applicable, add your chunky bits such as baking chips, nuts, fruit, or toffee. I only recommend chunks much bigger than a pinhead for the drop-style cookies.
- For shapes, roll your dough out and and start cutting your shapes that must be barely spaced apart on a baking sheet (preferably lined with parchment paper). It's highly recommended that you freeze these if you can, as the shapes will be as crisp as possible due to bypassing the "relaxing" phase, especially for stamped cookies. For drop-style, simply use a large spoon or small disher to plop balls of your dough onto the cookie sheet with generous spacing between them for the "relaxing" phase.
- Bake at 350F for 8-12 minutes, depending on your oven and if you're working with frozen shapes. Please check them if you're uncertain, and remember that even the shapes will stay soft until cooled. If you can see any browning without peeking underneath,
- Allow your cookies to cool before applying icing.
Bonus tip 2: Put your dough between two pieces of parchment paper during the rolling process in order to avoid screwing it over with additional flour that will absorb precious moisture and make your cookies bland.
Bonus tip 3: Twist and fold together the awkward scraps of dough left at the end of each flavor (that are compatible with each other) to make visually appealing and delicious marbled cookies that look far more impressive than they actually are.
Bonus tip 4: Bake as many individual cookies one at a time as it takes for you to get your bearings between the dough and your oven.
Bonus tip 5: Make two-ingredient, microwave ganache from some baking morsels and a few splashes of milk. It tastes better, the texture is better, it impresses others, and it can look better due to the smooth texture. Make at least two kinds, and you'll blow people away with a simple and gorgeous drizzle effect. You can also pipe it from a sandwich baggie with a poked hole in one corner to make very fine details such as drawing faces and writing names.
Bonus tip 6: Use sugar free cake mix as your base if you want to use cookies as bait to find out who likes to steal more than their allotted share. Just wait for the literal bellyaching that happens before they start farting like a fucking chainsaw from the maltitol as it propels them straight to the restroom. Get wrecked, greedy grinch faggots.














