- Joined
- Nov 4, 2017
The best parts of the South can't be bought or sold,
Or carried home in bags,
So to keep from getting lonesome for his home ...
Ol' John gol got da surgeon
To put da bayou 'tween he legs
Well Howdy there again folks. Autumn's on it way, and when the night air starts to get a little crisp, there ain't nothing better fo' the body or soul to do then get around a nice warm fire and share a riveting tale of that greatest of all men, Miss'ippi John. Now, one-a the questions people who ain't heard all the tales of Miss'ippi John often get down to wonderin' about is "If Miss'ippi John was raised as poor black lesbian girl, well why ain't he black no more?". Well, if'n ya keep both sets a-your cheeks from moving by having a sitting down and shutting up, your about to get edjudicated as I'm fixin' to tell that very tale presently.
Now, as you all is shure to be rembrancing, Miss'ippi John back when he was in college for journalism engineering managed to steal the first "L" from the KKK, which is why they are known today as the Ku Klux Klan instead of the Klu Klux Klan, a name Miss'ippi John still calls them by to this day as a way of getting at their goat by reminding them he has their L. Well, the Grand Imperial Cyclops of the KKK was dead set on getting that L back, so he went and conspired with his Klavern's Grand Exalted Gnome Paladin and they hatched themselves a doozy of a plan.
Now as you all should ought be remembering, this was right around that low time of John's life, where he was getting over dealing with addiction and living out his car and working at Gamestop while being one of the top hacker & journalist engineers on the third coast. Now it occurred to John that what a good southern man like him needed to get right back into shape to be the greatest game developer was going to be a hearty slice of gumbo. But when John got down to Nawlins, why he found all the gumbodasheries had put up signs "No Fags, No Niggers Allowed". Well, John couldn't just allow hisself to support discriminationulatory polices like that, so he did the only thing he could do, which was to go make his own.
Now I'm sure you all figured out by now that the signs had all been put up by the Grand Imperial Cyclops & the Grand Exalted Gnome Paladin of the KKK, since they knew John wouldn't dare eat at any place that was so discriminating that didn't also forbid sand niggers. So those two no-good racists just waited for John to go shopping for ingredients, and they both dressed up as Hoodoo men and started making disparaging comments about the things John was selecting.
"Well now I wouldn't be choosing those shrimps"
"I'm not quite sure that okra's the freshest"
"You put that in, I'm not sure people'd ever sure your gumbo used to have sausage in it"
Oh boy those two racists in their corked faces and big red painted lips got John so wound up, because he was for sure he was being insulted by two real black hoodoo priests, since they looked like what he'd be told real black people looked like.
"Now listen here you Hoodoos." John said, still believing they was real Hoodoo priests so mindful of his tone lest they think he was being dissrepecticating "I'm a fixing to have myself a nice plate of gumbo with all the fixins, and you ain't going to be ruining that for me, so you best go and take your black magic and your hexes to some place else."
"Oh good lawdy massa suh, you's done misunderstand me." The Grand Exalted Gnome Paladin said, playing his part of hoodoo man so well John couldn't tell him apart from one of the many black kids he knew growing up. "Why, we do done reckonize you from them pi'turs in the why'mens paper. Ya'll done a heck of a job saving us from them moon rocks. And well, we wanted show we sho is thankful, and give you our special Hoodoo gumbo recipe, we done developed it special that heart of Gumbo Territory in Naw Yawk City, fo sho."
Well, John was mighty pleased to be so recognized, and took those fake Hoodoomen's recipe ne'er suspecting a thing, and went to get to cooking this traditional gumbo from the home of traditional southern cooking, New York. John got his flour and butter and got to mixing and made his gumbo rue. Yessir, no one could make gumbo rue like Miss'ippi Johm. You'd take one bite of Miss'ippi John's gumbo and you'd just jump right on up and declare "That right there is taste of rue!" which is why Miss'ippi John could never open a restaurant on account of all the jumpin' and declarin' violating most local ordnances.
Well, John got to working on his other ingredents while leaving his butter and flour to finish cooking in the pan. But what he didn't realize was those evil knights had slipped a cup of mayonnaise into the ingredients list, and when John tasted that first scoop of gumbo...well, he just went convulsin' on the floor as all the blackness left his body, leaving john with only the memories of bring a young black girl.
Now lucky for John, those sneaky Knights weren't able to take advantage of his state get back their L. The Imperial Cyclops and the Grand Exalted Gnome Paladin's disguises were simply too good, shortly after talking to John, the nawlin's Police found them and beat them to death before lynching them for "consorting with niggers". Having been been beated and lynched, both of 'em then headed home to Mississippi tails between their legs, vowing revenge on John.
As for Ol' John, well, you know he recovered and married a screaming Asian man. It turns out the Hoodoo curse them KKK men had put in the gumbo concentrated all the curse into Miss'ippi John's penis, and that would be removed in a few years when he decided to become a woman and run for congress to show all those broads how it was done.
But that's a story for another time.
I keep using that word, but it does mean what I think it does
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rue
