Alright, fuck it. We're just ballin' through this, I want this monkey off my back as soon as I can.
So by now you know my major gripes: The writing's shit, the coding's shit, and the art is the only thing I can recommend. I'm not going to keep banging on those drums anymore unless something really pisses me off or is another amateur mistake, like how Box's inner voice doesn't match what his character of a loving father is supposed to be.
We have two dads left to meet.
We get a text the next morning from Craig asking if we still wanna work out. It's at 6, so we immediately go back to sleep, but then Craig texts us again if we want to get our swole on, and we decide to join him. This is a positive in the writing department. We have a character, Box Spooner, who could very easily say no, but the reader doesn't want to read about all the ways he could say no. There's a minor bit where he thinks about saying no, then decides to do it. Readers like characters who take some form of action, and I heartily request that if any of you are planning on doing any sort of writing, drill that into your skull.
We actually get a choice, and I decide gym, because even I want some action to happen.
He didn't bring his daughter, a character so dynamic and lasting that I have literally already forgotten her name despite seeing her in this morning's update.
A choice comes up after him asking if I'm ready to kick butt. I humbly request his aid because after all, I am out of shape, and this causes a heart fart. I feel like all the social boss fights in Human Revolution prepared me for this. Inside I get a choice to describe a person's movement on a machine and compare it to religious flagellation for one's sins.
Craig agrees.
Another choice comes up when Craig asks what I do for fun, and with my choices of "Learning", "Living like a Jimmy Buffet Song", and "checking out my hot bod", I rule out the last one as a lie. The only Jimmy Buffet song I know is Margaritaville, so I choose learning. This causes another particle explosion. Craig likes me, I guess.
After a small story involving stealing a fish from a party and being given a protein shake, Box decides to head out. At what point do I become the master of my own destiny in this bloody game? This is a dating sim and for fuck's sake let me chose which yard-long pole of man meat I wanna suck on!
Box wakes up after a nap in a panic, and rushes to school to have a meeting with Mr. Vega, who I'm betting is Dad Hero 6. Box can't remember where the room is, so we ask...
...a kid who I fucking guarantee is Goth Dad's kid. He sends us on a wild gosling chase upstairs instead of helping us, and Box compares him to a low-rent Gerard Way, making it officially the first funny line of dialogue that I didn't make him think. Personally I just wanna kick his ass for that stupid belt, I mean jesus christ.
We're lucky enough to have Mr. Vega pop out and reprimand this prick.
This is Hugo Vega, Dad Number 6. Say hi, everyone.
We get to sit in on Hugo's class about Catcher in the Rye, confirming that the writers have at least heard of books that are not YA Fiction but as the discussion amounts to stating that the book has an unreliable narrator and some kid making a fart noise with his elbow, I'm not convinced the writers actually read the fucking thing.
Hugo lets us in that Amanda has been falling behind on work, and what follows is perhaps the one scene where Box actually acts in line with the tiny bit of characterization we got in the opening with those photos. See, the game paints Box as a dad that cares about and loves his daughter, but then spends all the time we meet with the other dads completely going against that-unless you count the Pokemon Battle with Brian. Box is concerned, and we have a chat about it.
He asks if anything's wrong, and I say that we did just move across town. By the way, I'm getting it down to a point where if it's inner monologue or Box acting independently, I'll say that Box says it, and if it's a choice, then I'll write that "I" said it. So this one was a dialogue choice. Everybody got that?
Hugo asks us to talk to Amanda. On the way out, Box asks if they ever did catch that Rye, and Hugo heart farts from our awful pun. That's strange. Heart farts only happen from my choices, I thought. Or maybe that pun only happens if I picked we just moved. Regardless, "heart farts" is a hilarious phrase and I'm going to use it a lot. Heart farts heart farts heart farts.
@SteelPlatedHeart already told us about this. I probably would have picked food court anyway, simply because my knowledge of narrative structure tells me "the more I'm out of the house, the better". Box attempts to get Amanda to talk about what's going on in Vega's class, and Amanda does not want to talk about it. Box chooses not to push the issue.
I'm pretty sure that happened when I went to a certain mall in Seattle. So at least I know what I'm getting into.
Box asks about memes. Amanda sighs. Was this what you meant, SteelPlatedHeart? Because the cringe is so strong I have evolved from whiskey and coke to just drinking my bottle of Black Velvet straight.
Amanda does her best to explain it, saying that it's an inside joke shared by a group of people that gets less funny the more people know about it, and that by the time it gets to Box, it's been worn into the ground, and then tv tries getting in on it and it all goes to hell. Technically by the time it gets to Twitter, 4chan's already driven it into the ground, but I'm pretty sure if I said "4chan" around Amanda she'd either be confused or her head would explode from raeg. The subject is swiftly changed, it was literally just a couple paragraphs of pure cringe and I am saving you by not posting those screens. And why the fuck do I need memes explained to me? I know Box is a fucking dumbass but the only people playing this game are well fucking versed in memes.
We change the subject, and Box suggests going to "that goth store". Well, I guess we have to crowbar in Dad number 7, don't we?
Box tries dancing around the name of the place, but it's literally Hot Topic. He calls it "that place that tries to make itself anti-establishment while literally being the establishment", it's fucking Hot Topic. They don't say the name, probably because it would have gotten them all of the sued.
I mean look at this place. They just took a picture of Hot Topic and did it up in their art style.
Oh it's actually called Dead, Goth, and Beyond. Kill me. (The context: Amanda is forcing us to give a speech about her throwing up in this place, and the outline is still here. She's a high school senior from what Mr. Vega was saying. When I was a senior I didn't give a shit about where I threw up)
No. No you would not.
And now my immersion is just completely ruined. I know some goth chicks, buddy, and they would not be caught dead shopping at a place like this. Online or otherwise.
So it turns out Vlad Dracul that just left is Damien, Dad Number 7. He's not here, so we can't say hi, everyone.
We turn in for the night after this and a brief scene about Long Haul Paranormal Ice Road Truckers, which I would actually watch. Stop making me think of better things, game. The loading screen in between days has the audacity to give me a "Not Responding" message on my title bar, so add that to the growing list of evidence about how shit Unity is, because it's loading a BLACK FUCKING SCREEN.
We're finally at that BBQ Joseph told us about, who wants to bet our 7 dads will be here?
We get to meet the family. The twins do the thing from the Shining where they're just creepy, and Mary is here too.
Yes, the Mary from the bar. The one who sorta flirted with us. Joseph's route is going to end in the messiest of divorces, isn't it?
We get to see the other 6 dads, so yes, I called it. Box wonders if everyone lives in our cul-de-sac, and game, you don't have to point out the strange coincidences, that's my job.
Hugo and Mat are having an art discussion. Both Craig and the baby do not want to be here.
Mat has a daughter. Insert your own easy joke about black stereotypes here. Hugo also has a child, who's totally not part of your system man, and doesn't like talking to old dudes who blame him for the failing economy, yes that is an actual line of dialogue from Ernest Hemingway Vega. I'm all out of Black Velvet.
A long discussion follows with the four of us all worried if we're cool dads, which I don't get because my parents never gave a shit about being cool, they gave a shit about raising me with manners and basic human decency. Neither of which I show on the Farms, but we can't have everything.
Brian and Robert are talking. We talk about camping. Robert talks about his buddy "Johnnyboy" who broke his ankle when a rope bridge they were crossing snapped.
...You know what, I take it back. I like Robert. Who the fuck was in charge of writing him? I gotta shake that guy's hand.
And now I take back the take back, fuck you game!
The final conversation is between Joseph and Damien. Damien does all the stereotypes, and it angers me.
Walking into the DGB was your first mistake, Daddy-o.
Does anyone have a working Tumblr to English translator? Mine's too old, it didn't get the latest software patch.
Hmm, how do I put this gently to the Stephen King twins and yes they do speak in unison?
Damien's son, who is that punk from school, shows off a 666 tattoo. Joseph doesn't immediately freak out, and merely says that tattoos should be meaningful to the person who has it and that that number carries weight.
Every dad then chimes in with grill puns. This game is so frustrating. There are so many great moments, but then it all gets slammed the fuck down. Stop with the Dad jokes, they're not helping.
We're told to add everyone on Dadbook, and I get the feeling that "Dadbook" will be the UI we use to arrange our dates and stuff. So perhaps we're finally getting out of Chapter 1 and into the part where we get to choose, which is great because I think this post is longer then all my other updates combined.
Of course, even though Chapter 1 is complete, the game bogs us down. We get a scene of us walking home, a scene of waiting up for her to come home from hanging out with friends, a scene of us in the morning, and WHEN DOES IT FUCKING END?
Oh, now apparently. Finally. Well, the post is getting long, so we're going to cut it here and we'll fill it out with the next update.
