18 months. Crazy. Thought it was impossible.
Increasingly when someone in the community wants time with me, whether it be a potential sponsee, a meeting friend wanting to just hang out, volunteering, rehearsals, you name it, I have to puzzle over my calendar to figure out where to fit them in. My life has never been so full. I've never had these kinds of problems. It's a welcome change.
Even today, I'm meeting up with three people before spending the afternoon with a girl for the third straight weekend. I'm able to recognize my neuroses re: dating and combat them and this time it's going really, really well.
It wasn't easy. I came as close as I've ever come to relapsing this spring when I moved out again. Family drama (with the person who got me into rehab, no less), living on my own for the first time sober and
all my character defects surging back, the works. But I doubled down on recovery. Threw myself into the program, into meetings, volunteering, H&I panels, etc. The family drama was made harder because the other party is clearly in the wrong and, while I appreciate, of course, the support from all my friends/loved ones, it fueled my sense of justified resentment. Poisoning my soul. I sought out people willing to tell me truths I didn't want to hear. I focused on keeping my side of the street clean, morally speaking, and not seeking to hurt her as much as she hurt me. Not doing anything, no matter how damaging, to get what I wanted. And I handled the situation with more grace and tact than I ever would have living in the bottle. By all accounts she's doing a bang-up job of blowing up her own life over this. Maybe one day I can make a 12th step call, of sorts, for her.
This shit works if you work it. Cultivating spiritual health is essential. I'm not talking finding God (though I did, in the end), I'm talking prioritizing things that make you feel accomplished, even little things. Doing the right thing instead of the easy thing. Being honest with yourself and others. Extending grace and understanding to those around you. Feeling
whole instead of feeling
good, if that makes sense. Learning to be comfortable with your own thoughts, to be able to find peace in a spare moment.
I think we addicts are really good at living in our own head. Building up rationalization walls and reality distortions that sabotage us when it comes to living well with others. I certainly am. Other people, and I cannot stress this enough,
other people are your biggest asset towards breaking down those walls. And there's a lot of us willing to help you. This is a fucking widespread mental malady.
These are the key things I had to realize to stop white-knuckling it and relapsing, and begin to enjoy all the benefits sobriety gives you over just feeling miserable:
- I had to accept that quitting was forever. That my drinking problem wasn't a temporary issue because my life was dogshit and when I had improved my standing I could drink normally again. Easily the hardest thing I ever did - I literally mourned my addiction for a time after making this realization. It was more devastating than any breakup I've been through. Makes sense, in hindsight, alcohol was the strongest relationship in my life.
- I had to ditch my fear of judgement and be honest when I failed at things. People, in general, are far more forgiving of occasional fuckups if you acknowledge them than I had built it up in my head, and that fear led me to a lot of dishonesty and spiraling in the past. And I am not as important as I like to think I am, people in general think of others infinitesimally less frequently than we think of ourselves.
- I had to learn to quiet my mind, to be at peace with myself. Fiending for a drink when stressed was but one of many mental storms I go through, and recognizing them for what they are and letting the storm pass is essential.
The 9th step promises do come true. There is a way out of this. It's both simpler and harder than you guys might think. But it's worth it. Get to a meeting, shop around, find your freaks. They may not be at the AA meeting closest to your house, I go to a lot of NA meetings as well, even though I never abused narcotics. Look for commonality with their stories and yours instead of focusing on the differences.
