A question for the guys [serious]

[eDove]

I have a female friend who's, in theory, perfect trad-wife material. She's 25-26 years old (unsure of the exact age), an ardent believer in Christ, having grown up in the church her father pastored. She is a fine cook, a great homemaker, and very, very sweet. There's no corruption or craziness whatsoever, and she is looking forward to being married and starting a family.

There's one problem though and it's a glaring one. She puts zero effort into her appearance, maybe even less than zero. She brushes her hair and has color-coordinated outfits, but that's about it.

Let it be known that I am not a woman who fusses with her appearance much at all. I don't look down on those who choose the natural approach. I don't wear makeup. I don't style my hair. I don't even have pierced ears... but I do try to make myself look appealing. She doesn't.

What am I talking about specifically? For starters, she was born with a condition where one of her eyes is way droopier than the other. I think it's called ptosis. It's whatever. It's kind of out of her control (I'm pretty sure there are corrective surgeries but you get the point).

She has a THICK unibrow which can be fixed easily. You try to avoid looking at the droopy eye and there's a big 'ole unibrow staring back at you. Based off that alone, you'd be right in assuming she doesn't manage the hair anywhere else on her body. One hot day, I saw the entirety of her calves and they were covered in long hairs.

Her teeth are crooked, bucked, jutting, and always look like they're covered in plaque. This is a big point of cringe for me. I don't know what's going on there. Maybe she doesn't brush her teeth? I haven't asked. It's a vulgar thing to say, but I highly doubt she keeps her pubic hair trimmed or shaves her asscrack, nor deliberately washes those places, if you cratch my drift.

She presents herself in a way that'd only attract creepy dudes, in my opinion. It's hard to describe, but nothing in her wardrobe is mature or flattering to her body. Very boxy, a step down from the Amish, shape-wise. She dresses like a modest 9-year-old girl.

You can absolutely be modest while coming off as an adult... I guess she doesn't realize that. You wouldn't believe she was a grown-up if you saw her, especially since she's shorter than me and I'm only five feet tall.

She's confused that guys ignore her and I truly think they're mistaking her for a kid half of the time. Being sheltered her whole life made her naive, mousy, and unable to hold a conversation. She looks and acts like a little kid.

I've tried very gently to tell her how she can attract male attention, where she could make broad improvements. Her response is always, "my mom says I don't have to change myself at all. If I have to change myself for a guy, then he's obviously not the right one."

Well, yeah... there's a big difference between maintaining your appearance and changing your personality to suit a guy. I've told her that too. She doesn't get it.

If it wasn't obvious, she's still living with her parents. They're basically hundred-year-old boomers and who seem unrealistic/deluded in this regard. Women in their day didn't have to compete with exposure to literal super models and porn stars.

I don't want to be mean or hurt her feelings but I'm woried about her. She so, so badly wants to have a boyfriend and get married. She's convinced God's gonna bring him to her any day now 'cause she's having "dreams" and old church ladies are telling her God's "preparing" her for a husband 'cause she's had to do more house work lately. But maybe a potential mate is already around, he just has a hard time getting past her appearance?

There's a single guy she has a massive crush on at church who she's known for years. He seems reasonably disinterested even though she checks all his boxes.

My Kiwi dudes, does this kind of stuff actually matter to you or am I being a huge superficial bitch? This is a genuine question. Is my concern unfounded? Would you take the trad-wife pill under these circumstances?

I don't think she'd extend the same no-effort courtesy to a boyfriend. She's into the clean-cut guys who dress well.

 

[dick brain]

My Kiwi dudes, does this kind of stuff actually matter to you

ptosis

No

unibrow

Yes

Her teeth are crooked, bucked, jutting

No

and always look like they're covered in plaque

Yes

I highly doubt she keeps her pubic hair trimmed or shaves her asscrack, nor deliberately washes those places, if you cratch my drift.

Yes

nothing in her wardrobe is mature or flattering to her body. Very boxy, a step down from the Amish, shape-wise. She dresses like a modest 9-year-old girl.

No

Being sheltered her whole life made her naive, mousy, and unable to hold a conversation.

Meh

There's a big difference between "taking care of your appearance" and taking care of yourself. Unflattering clothes, I don't give a shit; if anything that's honestly a plus because it means you're not trying to fool anybody into thinking you're in better shape than you are, which in my opinion is dishonest/inauthentic and ugly. Not taking care of your health and hygiene on the other hand is a dealbreaker, full stop.

Also it isn't just for the opposite sex, it's also about looking presentable in general. You are expected to kind of adhere to some standard of social grace in how you dress and style yourself, so your partner feels proud, or at least not embarrassed, to bring you into public.

Fag mentality. Imagine doubting your own judgement so much that you get embarrassed about how other people perceive you. Cringe.

I despise this misguided idea that being Christian means you can expect to be an unfuckable slob and it's everyone else's problem that you can't land a guy/girl. Loving God is not an acceptable excuse for not trying at all to look in any way decent of you want to also have a mate.

Ding ding.

"We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us."

 

[Cat tit bingo]

Sounds like she might have some slight arrested development. Lots of times appearance matters less than just the act of put effort into one's appearance, it shows you can and do take care of your self. Having a unibrow is fine but to not put the effort into trimming it, even if 100% a voluntary choice, can put bad ideas of what other hygiene habit she doesnt maintaining. To treat putting effort into your self as change for some man does seems a bit worryingly childish.
Being shy is just a bitch for either gender and you need to force your way though it. Why would you ever want to be with someone for days, months, years or an entire life time if you can't talk to them. Also always remember this isn't some schlock movie, people aren't just going to just see you and get love struck, if you don't actively pursue people nothing is ever going to happen. Just waiting for someone to throw themselves at you is how you turn into a supreme gentle(wo)men.

 

[Vitrealis]

Maybe they don't want their baby to grow up and fly the nest?

This is very common, unfortunately. If all her other siblings were able to handle these matters and ended up leaving, I wouldn't be surprised if she was sort of neglected in this respect. Maybe not even consciously.
It might also have nothing to do with the parents wanting her around, having so many children means you have to divide your attention, and sometimes certain children end up neglected because the parents just can't manage to give each of them the attention and care they actually need.

 

[Nicholas Gur]

She's convinced God's gonna bring him to her any day now

Doesn't god only help those who help themselves?

My Kiwi dudes, does this kind of stuff actually matter to you or am I being a huge superficial bitch? This is a genuine question. Is my concern unfounded?

Looks matters to everyone except the blind. Not working on your appearance shows a lack of consideration for others, and implies that one will not be willing to make sacrifices or concessions in a relationship. While your personality may do the walking, your appearance is what opens the door, or holds it shut.

 

[Unarmed Gunman]

My Kiwi dudes, does this kind of stuff actually matter to you or am I being a huge superficial bitch? This is a genuine question. Is my concern unfounded? Would you take the trad-wife pill under these circumstances?

There is nothing superficial about expecting the bare minimum on hygiene, which it sounds like she lacks. Guys will look past a lot if the personality is great, but it sounds like she's a bit of a head case too so I dunno. What exactly are the redeeming qualities here?

I don't think she'd extend the same no-effort courtesy to a boyfriend. She's into the clean-cut guys who dress well.

I think this is key, and you should hammer this point home. Basically just call it out - "you expect this effort from a guy, why wouldn't they expect the same?"