Lovequest The Apology Letters

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Gensdupays said:
I honestly wonder if MLW still remembers Chris.
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You kidding? She probably has standing orders with her secretary to throw out all letters with "Christian Weston Chandler" on the return address, or any letters addressed to "Mary Lee Walshing Witch Bitch", "Slaweel", or "JULAAAAYYYYY".
 
Marvin said:
I'm not really feeling like reading these walls of texts, but he seems to have done a good job on the fashion square mall one. None of his usual "I'm sorry you were such a meanie" apologies.
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He saved that for the Mary Lee Walsh "apology".
 
This is classic Chris right here.

"Dear complete stranger and fashion square shopping mall manager (...) and we deeply love (NOT to be confused with the act of intercourse)"
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Hilarious. The fact he would point this out to somebody he doesn't know just makes me laugh and it reminds me of something I read -- that in the early days whenever he met someone new he would obviously tell them about Sonichu but also add "and virgin with rage" to his introduction of himself. Does anyone know if that's true?

And then on the second page he sounds less apologetic and more like he's making demands.
AND I would really most appreciate having in the SAME writing that I have your utmost assurance that the hired Security Staff of Fashion Square will leave ME, Christian Weston Chandler, My family and My Love alone, unbothered, unabused, UnEscorted, and remain at the greatest distance humanly reasonable and possible from us at ALL times
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I've not read the rest of it but so far this is gold from the good-old-days. I take it he wasn't unbanned? And I just loved the fact that PVCC had absolutely no mercy and did him for trespassing.
 
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Thetan said:
You're right, he learned absolutely nothing. Just about 3 months after writing these letters, he was banned from Target.
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Chris is STILL saying that Snyder sued him only for his money and that the closing of the Hobby Lobby was due to the failed lawsuit.
I know it's unlikely that the letters were even read, much less letters written back; but do we know if there's been any unbanning at any stores?

I also like how he says that him and Barb will have the "felon" title removed from them when in reality they had misdemeanors and because they're above 18 they will never go away from their record.
 
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These are fascinating documents.

The Mary-Lee Walsh letter immediately degrades into a diatrabe recounting all her wrongdoings. It's the same Chris we've always seen when an apology is due. (Most recently, we saw the same passive-aggressive behavior in Chris' video and commissioned drawing for Mr. Smith.)

But that's not the most interesting aspect.

Ten years ago Chris had invented a custom set of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Among these was the "Apology Letter" spell card, an enchanted scroll bearing the secret incantation, "I AM SO SORRY".

Chris must actually believe in the power of "Apology Letter" spell cards. That's what we're looking at, isn't it? These are the same spell cards, only brought into the real world through sheer force of will.

The handwriting is amazing, too.

The letters to Wal-Mart and Fashion Square Mall are pratically word-for-word copies of each other. Chris could have typed the letter once and printed two different copies in a fraction of the time it took to him hand-write them. But he chose not to.

Every once in a while, I see someone here allude to Chris' almost-magical belief in the True and Honest power of handwriting. This has always troubled me, because I don't remember any Christorical occasions on which Chris has directly addressed his predilection for hand-written documents. When I saw people talking about this, I'd always thought they were making it up.

But here the evidence is hard to ignore. Why would anyone write two identical letters by hand unless they thought doing so granted said missives special powers? Why would Chris' certificates of authenticity mention that his "hand" went into the work if he didn't think it was significant? Why did Chris specifically ask the fake Miyamoto for a hand-written letter when he was conducting a business transaction?

I can't imagine any other explanation: Chris must genuinely believe that hand-written documents carry magical power.
 
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Why would any of these people that he wrote to give two tin shits that he's in a relationship?
 
All these letter can be summed up as:

Dear NPC #42158

I wanna go back but you JERKS won't let me back in. I had to depict you as villains and call you those names because you inconvenienced me you True and honest love crushing JERKS.

But I've matured and said I'm sorry so quit discriminating against me for being a Lesbian-souled Tomgirl and let me back in because I said the magic words.
 
I really can't see how anyone, after reading these letters, could think, "Yup. The person who wrote these is of about normal intelligence."
 
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These letters are just as counterproductive as Chris's typical response to trolls. Anyone unfamiliar with Chris, reading these letters, would see that he is a bizarre, inappropriate weirdo with anger bubbling right beneath the surface. "This guy is banned? Good, let's keep it that way."

It's amazing how often he gets banned. Chris is like one of these women who's like, "Every man I go out with is a drug addict who beats me! What bad luck!" For everyone else the pattern is clear as day, but Chris can't see it.
 
AdmiralPingas said:
Sounds to me like he wants to ensure that Catherine, and Crystal when she comes along, can attend PVCC (possibly as students? Can't think of why else they'd want to go there, unless there's a reunion on campus or something). Let not the sins of the father...

EDIT: on further reflection, he's probably just trying to get all his bans lifted, presumably for peace of mind if nothing else.
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Maybe he wants to go back for a degree in gender studies?
 
With Walmart, it's pretty difficult to enforce a ban. Management is trying to run a busy store, and they may not be made aware that a banned customer or shoplifter until someone who recognizes or remembers him or her calls it to a manager's attention. Usually, they'll have the loss prevention guys trail him/her from a distance, but if they're in the store just to buy something, and not actively vandalizing anything or trying to shoplift, they won't tell him or her to leave. Otherwise, banned customers probably could walk in, get something, pay for it, leave, and no one in management would even know they had come back.

So, even if Chris thought he was being bold and defiant by returning to the Walmart where he was banned for vandalizing the XBox display and the Magic Mike DVDs, he wasn't. He just happened to go in and get what he needed, and no one in management or security remembered him, or cared that he came back. Yes, Chris sticks out like a sore thumb. But really, management had more pressing concerns than telling the fat, unwashed crossdresser to GTFO.
 
I don't know what came over me, but I went into these letters expecting a coherent, well thought out apology. I have no idea what made me think this possible.

Leave it to Chris to bring up sex in a formal letter to a shopping mall requesting to be unbanned.
 
Flowerwall said:
My god, that scrawling.

Chris, I'm pretty sure you can also get lined notebook paper at 500 SHEETS FOR $5, too.
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Back when I was in high school in the mid to late 90s (before everyone had convenient access to computers) we were taught that formal letters were to be written in cursive on blank white paper. You could put lined paper behind the blank sheet while writing to keep your sentences even. I imagine that is why Chris hand wrote the letters on blank paper. You young'uns don't even know how great you have it, you were so close to not being able to type everything.
 
"I'm sorry, you seem to have had a grave misunderstanding.

Stay safe."
 
I'm not surprised that Chris hand wrote these on computer paper, only furthering his unprofessionalism. Couldn't he have done written on maybe some lined paper? Or hell even print it like a normal person.
 
Spatchmo said:
Back when I was in high school in the mid to late 90s (before everyone had convenient access to computers) we were taught that formal letters were to be written in cursive on blank white paper.
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I think you're on to something, notice the return address in the upper right hand corner and the formal date underneath, that's an old letter-writing formality.
 
The Wal-Mart one seems to be the closest to an actual apology.

Also, I love how Chris thinks putting MLW in his comic was the thing he did wrong.
 
I can't believe he started off letters to people he barely knows with "dearest." That's sort of creepy.
I guess having a girlfriend magically erases all his past wrongdoings and proves that he's better/more mature.
:stupid:
 
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