Do you ever think about killing your "self"? - Like liquidate everything and be done with most of real life as you built it?

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True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Aug 14, 2022
Sometimes I feel like this is the way to go.

Too often, its been s in the back of my head. Nothing is stopping me really. That's what I wanted decades ago after all. Now I am just misreable anyway and getting dopamine from things I don't actually care about. Pretty much just chasing a high.

I am reaching a stage where I am starting to really wonder if what I am doing even makes sense and why I do it. And it scares me to realize I probably shout not.
 
There is a phrase that will pass though every man's head in times of weariness
"I should buy a boat"
It's easy to confuse tiredness of their life with tiredness of life. Its easy to idolize drastic change, to sell everything and just drift in a boat fishing all day. Drastic change come with drastic problems and lots of pain. Change is needed in life whether like new hobbies, new settings, new people or new goals but it needs to be done with a clear head and intentions. Sure it's easier said then done but at the end of the day you do have some control over your life, you may be pulled by unseen currents but you can choose how you swim.
On the topic of suicide you either burn in hell for eternity or you cease to exist in any form which just trying to thinking about shakes my core. No one knows what that's like and to throw away existence just doesn't make sense.
I've had intrusive self destructive thoughts since early puberty. They have consistently gotten worse, every year that I'm alive. A slow progression from the occasional "I hate myself and I want to die," to the modern day version of "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" on a permanent loop. I'm fifty. But life and its joys still outweigh those thoughts. Because my thoughts do not have to become my actions.

My point is that life is worth it. It will always be worth it. Even when it's not.
I absolutely hate how much I relate to this.
 
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