How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Getmeout said:
I've been wanting to but like... I don't know how. It seems so much harder to figure out when you're an adult. I tried once with one psychologist. She gave me a test to fill out and said "Well, you got like, 99% autism but uh... We should probably do some more tests" but never got back to me on that so I consider it still undetermined. I should prolly try again to find someone who'd test me.
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I’d also think about what the point of knowing is. Are you going to be able to access specific help once you’re slapped with this label? What benefit go you gain? What negatives are there? Will it affect anything in your life like clearances, licences etc?
Being labelled can have pros and cons.
 
You guys reminded me that i should go to the dentist

Luckily for me my dentist has some fairy wings, doesn't hurt at all. My previous one i was pretty sure that she had fun making patients uncomfortable, evil hag
 
Getmeout said:
Lots and I mean lots of people have said they think I have autism. My parents were very anti-disability so any suggestion from my teachers to get checked out was met with a harsh "fuck off". Sometimes I can't help but think maybe I could've done better in school if I actually got some sort of accommodation, I sorta just stumbled through the whole thing, convinced I was an idiot.

I dunno if I have autism, I see a lot of information on what it is and isn't to the point where it's all confusing. I never got along with people, cause everyone sorta just thought I was weird. And I kinda thought they were weird too, in the sense that I could never understand people and I still can't. It's like I'm surrounded by a bunch of aliens speaking a different language. I do weird things that make people raise their eyebrow at me, some people have told me their symptoms of autism, some people have told me they aren't. Maybe they are, but I think a lot of my behavior is also just me being weird. Like the hand flapping I do when happy, or the repeating of words. I kinda doubt autistic people do that, I think that's just me being weird. But I can see what people mean when they mention how bad I am with tone and... Well, like you said, volume. I've always been told I'm too loud, yet when a bunch of noises happen, it bothers me. It's like I can name every noise going on, and I really REALLY don't like that.
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I'm in a very similar boat, testing for the 'tism was never a thing when I was a kid and so I always felt poorly adjusted to life; I have complicated relationships with people and I can't explain why it's so difficult for me. I've always had trouble with my peers and I do not make friends easily. I don't bother masking anymore because I feel as if I'm too defunct and people will just assume that I have autism, and I have that look and it's inescapable. I have taught myself social cues and I took at what happens in social situations and I've gotten very good at pretending.
I try to be aware when I'm stimming or getting too loud or getting hyper excited about dumb shit.
When I was at my therapist's I said to her:
"I think I may be autistic" and she said
"I think you're right"
Still not a diagnosis but that confirmation said to me that I am and never will be normal and people will see through me. It's weird and I feel as if I have been thrown further off the track because along with everything else I'm now hyper aware of how people view me.
 
Worried, very worried.
Waiting to get on the phone with some specialists to see if they can get me in for some testing sooner rather then "Hey we'll see you in a month for your crippling condition" and i'm worried that they'll just blow me off because they're so incompetent at scheduling that your best option is to just go to an emergency room.
 
SOLDIER OF WALES said:
In the same boat you are; 10 months without a job (that I technically don't need, just like you.) in IT as well. Stay strong.

Related, feeling kind of anxious about my degree. I'll have to burn the rest of my GI bill on it which is fine but I feel like I'm getting old for some reason when I'd only be like 24/25 when this degree is done. I should probably get out more but I'm also squirreling away money like a jew.

Everything will be OK once I get this degree though. I felt really anxious after reading this email from the new counselor I'm gonna have for some reason. I've been so unstressed lately that I'm getting instantly BTFO mentally whenever something slightly stressful comes up.
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I seriously considering quitting my job today. I'd gladly take unemployment at this point, but I also remember what it's like, feeling beyond hopeless and somehow having to find hobbies or social events to go to, feeling like a fraud. But right now? I'd fucking take that. I'm glad I didn't get into IT because even if I was in the perfect spot to get into it, I'd be competing with autists who coded for fun and even those can't find work anymore.

I'm so fed up with soft values and office lingo. I'm tempted to pull the plug and get a 6-week something or other adult education for trucking or electrician type shit, but even that would be the lite version. Trucking is apparently a 5-year education. I've read of this 'IT supporter' thing that a lot of adults get into, but it's also a lite version of proper programming, but it's more hands-on and physical, so maybe there's more gigs.. Iunno. I just want my old job back so I can breathe.
Kheapathic said:
Going on 9 months without a job, and slowly losing my mind (and knowing the IT/CS field is completely fucked). Get plenty of people willing to talk, sometimes I even get interviews, and sometimes I get the rejection email before I even get home from the interview. I'm blessed enough to not need a job, but I have things I need to do and the more money I have, the faster I can do said things. I'd like to say I'm doing well enough, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
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You got interviews? I was right in that bubble of linkedin and 'coffee dates' and I couldn't get either of those. Not even internships. I swear, waiting tables from 18 to 21 did more for my classmates than a 5 year degree.
 
The spring birds are back from wherever they’ve been and are singing beautifully in the mornings and evenings. I saw a deer family of 4 having a quiet moment right outside my window eating all the spring flower bulbs the property managers have planted. A very happy dog ran towards them and scared them off back into the woods.

Around sunset a super thick fog appeared and reminded me of November where it looked like a damn horror movie outside every day. I remembered how I felt during that time and it reminded me of how fragile everything is. I never know when the rug is going to get pulled from underneath me and knock me back down again. Getting back up takes months, falling back down takes seconds and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, just wait for it.

A lady from unicef knocked at my door. Their uniforms have the similar colors to the postman and I’m expecting a package so I opened. They only wanted to interview people above the age of 30 and she asked me how old I was. This time I lied and told her I was 29 which she bought. Last time some organisation only wanted to talk to people 30+ I was honest and he proceeded to traumatise me by informing me that 1/5 of 5-9 year old girls in whatever shit hole 3rd world country don’t survive their first wedding night, in excruciating detail. He then had the audacity to ask me for money, for what?! You’re going to buy these girls from the jeet who was supposed to buy them instead? Fuck off. So yeah, I’m going to hell.
 
Motherf*cker said:
I'm in a very similar boat, testing for the 'tism was never a thing when I was a kid and so I always felt poorly adjusted to life; I have complicated relationships with people and I can't explain why it's so difficult for me. I've always had trouble with my peers and I do not make friends easily. I don't bother masking anymore because I feel as if I'm too defunct and people will just assume that I have autism, and I have that look and it's inescapable. I have taught myself social cues and I took at what happens in social situations and I've gotten very good at pretending.
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I only ever like really lightly masked, cause the way I saw it, what's the point? Even if I get into a social circle via masking, they don't even actually like me. They just like my alter ego.
Motherf*cker said:
I try to be aware when I'm stimming or getting too loud or getting hyper excited about dumb shit.
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It depends, there's some places I feel like it's a "safe place", some I don't. I can go full mask off around my friend tho. She's the one who really thinks I'm autistic. She pointed out something interesting that I didn't even realize, she said that I'm really blunt and that's some symptom of autism. I was like "I'm not blunt tho" and she reminded me of that one time she told me about something she was getting into and I plainly said with a straight face "That sounds retarded" (She clarified it didn't upset her, she found it funny.). I didn't even know that was blunt.
Motherf*cker said:
Still not a diagnosis but that confirmation said to me that I am and never will be normal and people will see through me. It's weird and I feel as if I have been thrown further off the track because along with everything else I'm now hyper aware of how people view me.
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I feel like a diagnosis would get my life on track personally. In the sense of, I finally know there's a reason why I do certain stuff and I'm not just dumb.
Otterly said:
I’d also think about what the point of knowing is. Are you going to be able to access specific help once you’re slapped with this label? What benefit go you gain? What negatives are there? Will it affect anything in your life like clearances, licences etc?
Being labelled can have pros and cons.
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I've thought about it for a long long time, I think the benefit would be immense. Don't get me wrong, it would've been better if I got it during school. Maybe I would've gotten the help I needed and not failed 90% of my classes. But even now, it'd be great to have a clear map of what my problems are and what are the proven methods of managing them and what sort of weaknesses I should be aware of, and what strengths.

I think my parents are aware I have something, and they kept that from me cause they thought that'd improve my life. Ironically, it made my life significantly worse. It's time to fix the mistake they made.
 
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
You got interviews? I was right in that bubble of linkedin and 'coffee dates' and I couldn't get either of those. Not even internships. I swear, waiting tables from 18 to 21 did more for my classmates than a 5 year degree.
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I do/did, but not through Linkedin, I'm pretty sure there isn't a legitimate job on that fucking website. Its search function has been destroyed, it used to be a lot better, and now it's just a lot of recruiter/marketer types shilling their words of wisdom and other bullshit. Linkedin may have been good once upon a time, but not anymore. If there's one thing Linkedin is good for, it's stalking recruiters. If someone contacts you through their corporate email system that doesn't link back to their private one, you can often find these people on Linkedin and bother them there.
 
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Kheapathic said:
I saw my old position at the casino I used to work at, and put in my application as a joke. Two days later my old boss calls, leaves a message saying to call back. So I do, and asks how things have been and told me he's impressed with what I've done, but he only has a starting position that's $18/hour. I'm not gonna look down my nose at it and say I only get out of bed for six-figures plus, a job is a job, and beggars can't be choosers. But I know if I took that, the first time something real comes along I'm gone, and I'm not gonna uproot and move, temporarily, for a position I'd be going into knowing I'm gonna leave as soon as I can... and that aside, I can make $20/hr asking people if they want fries with their order. But they won't hire me, because they know I'd be gone the first chance I get. The world's fucked.
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Yeah I don't wanna sound like an asshole either but I live alone and I won't even start to consider anything below $3k takehome a month and thats only because I've had to drop my standards from my original (was making 4k/mo takehome)

Job market will sort itself out eventually, I'm just gonna wait.
 
I took a walk today and I highly recommend it for everyone who doesn't exercise that much. I feel so fucking good; the feeling of coming home and cooling off knowing you can relax for the rest of the day is unmatched. I used to hate the warmer seasons but I think I like them now.
 
Gold Ship VS The World said:
I took a walk today and I highly recommend it for everyone who doesn't exercise that much. I feel so fucking good; the feeling of coming home and cooling off knowing you can relax for the rest of the day is unmatched. I used to hate the warmer seasons but I think I like them now.
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Walking is way underrated as an entry-level physical activity, also very good for the mind.
You can do whatever during this time: be in your thoughts, do some photography, listen to an audiobook... Go walk, kiwi frens.

Otterly said:
Being labelled can have pros and cons.
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This, be especially aware of what this entails. Do it if you think that you may get the help you need, but keep in mind the doors it may close (mostly sensitive or critical jobs).

Time, Dr. Números? Is it really that… time again?

Butting heads with work as I’m fighting against an ungodly amount of red tape to do even the tiniest of tasks. They see my productivity tanking and they want me to work more, even if I asked to work less hours. Grew tired of the corpo wageslave lifestyle a few years ago. I don’t really care about the “blow” to my finances as I’m in a “good” position regarding money, I just want more time for my family.

Things with the prospective Miss Números are gearing up quite nicely. How I did not manage to bungle this already is beyond me. The fact its long distance does not bother her too much for now and we manage to set some time aside for each other (we have a string of short getaways planned). The age difference is still making me think but we click really well.

Morale is pretty much okay, also need to take some time to work on my health. Eating a lot less these weeks as I'm very easily full. While I'm a fat fuck, I should keep an eye on that.
 
i am having the most dead start of the year i've had in like a decade. My work inbox is currently a barren wasteland.

2024 and 2025 didn't look promising but both years i ended up getting surprisingly lucky, even though i didn't enjoy most of it and was always tired and underpayed i had enough projects to work in to get by and save some money. I have nothing lined up right now, returning clients are trickling down, ongoing projects ended, and i am just not netting anything new at all. 2026 might finally be the year its fucking over.

I am calmed about it at the moment , i needed a break anyways, i don't even want to continue on the same line of work. But i know eventually if i have to start living only off my savings i will start panicking and want to rope because i have zero prospects for anything else with my age and background and specially not in my country, even then i think i'd rather die as a better option than going back to advertising or any kind of office job.

For now i am taking it easy, i went back to workout routine, and im playing stardew valley, even if roping after ending up broke is in the future right now i don't care, i am just so tired of everything so i might as well be comfortable while i can.
 
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