The Quest for... Win?: White-Kettle Shufflepunk Reads Harry Potter

[TheAmbiguousLurker]

I love how everyone talks about Cedric like how people used to talk about Robert Pattinson before we got to know him. Sometimes, the films' casting was so good, it transcended time itself.

So, Wormtail killed him before he could become Wizard Batman.

So, even if you aren't very familiar with this story, I imagine you can guess what Hagrid will be doing in his subplot. Also, is Hagrid a virgin for the safety of womankind? The public needs to know.

I dunno, ask Malfoy.

Where does this man shit?

Well, obviously-

Clearly Hagrid keeps to the old ways of Hogwarts waste management, which specifics I shall not repeat here for the sake of dignity. But the ability to Vanish his own waste does imply a higher level of magical skill than we've been led to believe he possesses.

GOD DAMN IT!

 

[Alabama Gamer]

Okay, are the Creeveys Muggleborn wizards, or elven changelings?

Outbreeding depression hits wizards extra-hard.

like that movie with the vampire baby.

Do you know the name? We came across that once in a Delta Green game, and I'd like to know where it was ripped off from.

I wonder how Harry would've fared at Durmstrang.

Probably pretty well to start off with. Everyone knows dark wizards respect power, and knocking off magical Abu Bakhir al-Baghdadi as an infant would get you some serious tower cred. Nobody would want to be the one to test whether his protection was gone. He'd have to worry less about former Death Eaters, ironically enough, because Karkaroff wouldn't be likely to let any of them within a hundred miles of the place.

I'm reminded of when the Nazis tried reverse breeding aurochs back from cattle

There's a group still trying to do that today. Ostensibly it's because they think that wild bovines would be good for the ecosystems of Europe, but really I think they just want to see what happens.

 

[White-Kettle Shufflepunk]

I often feel that one of the reasons the Harry Potter fanfic scene took off so hard was because other people wanted to tell those stories, and the HP universe gave them space to.

The "people who want to tell interesting stories" part at least, rather than the "needed an outlet for deranged adolescent angst and sexuality."

Yeah, this was definitely a "We need it this way for the plot to get set up" situation; I as a reader still have no idea why the Triwizard Tournament is done this specific way with this specific Firey Goblet, other than Tradition.

Going by the story of the golden snidget, I'm guessing that the Goblet replaced something far more absurd and horrible. Maybe the original selection process involved being vivisection on a spiritual level.

Hagrid, as we see, clearly has specific preferences in his romantic partners, much to the sadness of overly-ambitious monsterfuckers everywhere.

Is Hagrid inhuman enough to qualify as a monsterfuckee?

I could also see young Hagrid possibly running into a rusalka, siren, or other sexy-trap monster, but the problem with that is I feel like even young Hagrid would be too canny to magical creatures to be tricked, and would instead gently relocate them and start feeding them ethically-sourced died-of-natural-causes Muggle meat.

Does "club" qualify as natural causes?

That being said, the earliest promotional material (which I actually saw once or twice at the local Waldenbooks) advertised Book 4 as "Harry Potter and the Doomspell Tournament," which still sounds kind of fanfictiony but which is still a hundred times more badass. Not sure when the title changed, or if it would have ever been referred to as "Doomspell Tournament" in the text itself.

Doomspell sounds like a WMD equivalent in a fantasy Cold War.

Sir, this is a Kiwi Farms. We never take breaks.

Kiwi Farms, the worst people in the universe: Makes fun of people who behave atrociously.

Our Moral Betters: People with Tourette's should wear muzzles in public.

I'd say Hagrid is a somewhat average wizard, maybe above average, considering he is working with a subpar wand

They wanted to nerf him

Do you know the name? We came across that once in a Delta Green game, and I'd like to know where it was ripped off from.

Grace, from 2009.

 

[TheAmbiguousLurker]

Our Moral Betters: People with Tourette's should wear muzzles in public.

Not muzzles, we just feel that people with genetic deviations or chemical mix-ups that are inconvenient to us should be kept away from the public eye, like... separated from us, maybe even drink from a different water fountain. If only we had a word for this new, tolerant policy.

 

[LoverofPi]

If only we had a word for this new, tolerant policy.

Something to denote how they were in a distinct group from everyone else, but on the same playing field as everyone else. Officially, that is.

 

[Fun Factory]

"Harry Potter and the Doomspell Tournament,"

 

[Gentlebastard]

I like that the omniscient magic cup needs you to write what school you go to--in case it thinks you're the Fred Weasley from Saint Cyprian's or Brakebills.

"That would be silly" said Harry Potter, from St Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys

 

[Alabama Gamer]

Doomspell sounds like a WMD equivalent in a fantasy Cold War.

Isn't that basically what Fiendfyre is?

Here's a thought I had: Squibs can't do magic, but they are otherwise mostly capable of interacting with the magical world in other ways. So, could they be taught to use enchanted items as a substitute for casting spells? Like, a magic ring that animates nearby cookware or something.

 

[TenMilesWide]

Going by the story of the golden snidget, I'm guessing that the Goblet replaced something far more absurd and horrible. Maybe the original selection process involved being vivisection on a spiritual level.

I imagine at some point applicants for the tournament had to throw themselves on the fire like some sort of backwards witch trial - if they don't burn, they're fit to compete.

 

[Mola Ram]

Isn't that basically what Fiendfyre is?

Fiendfyre is in the running for single most bullshit moment in the entire series, and it's high on the list. I never understood how someone who plotted out everything so meticulously couldn't do so much as one sentence of setup for this horrifying, incredibly dangerous magic that ultimately takes out one of the evil MacGuffins. The trio have a whole, extended conversation on how to destroy Horcruxes and this doesn't come up once? Bad form, Jo.

 

[Jacknife]

Fiendfyre is in the running for single most bullshit moment in the entire series, and it's high on the list. I never understood how someone who plotted out everything so meticulously couldn't do so much as one sentence of setup for this horrifying, incredibly dangerous magic that ultimately takes out one of the evil MacGuffins. The trio have a whole, extended conversation on how to destroy Horcruxes and this doesn't come up once? Bad form, Jo.

I wouldn't call it "single most bullshit moment".

But it is surprising that there was no plot reason to establish it as they could have also just stabbed the Diadem with the tooth

 

[Mola Ram]

I wouldn't call it "single most bullshit moment".

But it is surprising that there was no plot reason to establish it as they could have also just stabbed the Diadem with the tooth

In terms of pulling things out of her ass, I think it's tough to top. I'm certainly open to other candidates.

As for not using a tooth on the diadem, I imagine it's because she wanted something different for each Horcrux we actually see get destroyed. Keep in mind we don't even see the cup's destruction, because we already saw Harry destroy the diary with a tooth back in book 2.

Then again, the sword destroys both the locket and Nagini, but there's something visually distinct about smashing a bit of jewelry and decapitating a giant fuckin' snake, mang. Also, Neville pulling the sword out of the hat is just a badass moment.

Shit, man, I don't know how her mind works.

 

[Here For the News]

The trio have a whole, extended conversation on how to destroy Horcruxes and this doesn't come up once? Bad form, Jo.

If I recall, she tried to cover her ass there with Hermione mentioning that she knew Fiendfyre might work, but it was too dangerous to try.

 

[Mola Ram]

If I recall, she tried to cover her ass there with Hermione mentioning that she knew Fiendfyre might work, but it was too dangerous to try.

That would have been a great conversation to actually put in the book. Maybe even use it to sharpen Ron's breakdown, lashing out at her for knowing it but refusing to teach them how to do it (assuming she knew in the first place, but then if Crabbe could do it, so could anyone, probably).

Also, how exactly did the closest thing we see to Special Needs Wizards have the magical know-how to summon the magical equivalent of white phosphorous? This whole thing raises more questions than it answers.

 

[Gentlebastard]

Also, how exactly did the closest thing we see to Special Needs Wizards have the magical know-how to summon the magical equivalent of white phosphorous? This whole thing raises more questions than it answers.

People have hidden talents. Neville was only ever good at Herbology before the events of OotP, but he became Wizardly William Wallace all the same when history called for a Glorious Glamour Gigachad.

Crabbe's natural skills, on the other hand, required advanced knowledge (unless Hogwarts has some "no child left behind" policy, he is finishing his magic education without repeating years, and Rowling started dropping hints about the academic hardships as early as PoA) AND the capacity to wield black magic, which was taboo less than a year before becoming a mandatory discipline. His talents just didn't have an opportunity to flourish before then.

 

[Mola Ram]

His talents just didn't have an opportunity to flourish before then.

On the other hand, he did roast himself alive when he conjured it.

 

[White-Kettle Shufflepunk]

Harry turned to Ron and Hermione; beyond them, he saw the long Gryffindor table all watching him, openmouthed.

“I didn’t put my name in,” Harry said blankly. “You know I didn’t.”

Both of them stared just as blankly back.

What you are seeing is a generation of fanfic victim complexes being born.

Harry moved off along the teachers’ table. Hagrid was seated right at the end. He did not wink at Harry, or wave, or give any of his usual signs of greeting. He looked completely astonished and stared at Harry as he passed like everyone else. Harry went through the door out of the Great Hall and found himself in a smaller room, lined with paintings of witches and wizards. A handsome fire was roaring in the fireplace opposite him.

"It's okay, Harry, I know you didn't do it."

Also, these little corners of the Great Hall basically exist to frustrate attempts to 100% the games.

The faces in the portraits turned to look at him as he entered. He saw a wizened witch flit out of the frame of her picture and into the one next to it, which contained a wizard with a walrus mustache. The wizened witch started whispering in his ear.

Are wizards just massive exhibitionists who liked being watched at all times?

There was a sound of scurrying feet behind him, and Ludo Bagman entered the room. He took Harry by the arm and led him forward.

“Extraordinary!” he muttered, squeezing Harry’s arm. “Absolutely extraordinary! Gentlemen … lady,” he added, approaching the fireside and addressing the other three. “May I introduce — incredible though it may seem — the fourth Triwizard champion?”

Quadwizard champion.

“Joke?” Bagman repeated, bewildered. “No, no, not at all! Harry’s name just came out of the Goblet of Fire!”

I like how utterly uncomprehending Bagman seems to be why anyone would be pissed off or confused right now. I assume it comes from playing Quidditch professionally for years.

The door behind them opened again, and a large group of people came in: Professor Dumbledore, followed closely by Mr. Crouch, Professor Karkaroff, Madame Maxime, Professor McGonagall, and Professor Snape. Harry heard the buzzing of the hundreds of students on the other side of the wall, before Professor McGonagall closed the door.\
“Madame Maxime!” said Fleur at once, striding over to her headmistress. “Zey are saying zat zis little boy is to compete also!”

Somewhere under Harry’s numb disbelief he felt a ripple of anger. Little boy?

Look, Harry, Fleur's French--she might not mean that dismissively.

“I’d rather like to know that myself, Dumbledore,” said Professor Karkaroff. He was wearing a steely smile, and his blue eyes were like chips of ice. “Two Hogwarts champions? I don’t remember anyone telling me the host school is allowed two champions — or have I not read the rules carefully enough?”

He gave a short and nasty laugh.

“C’est impossible,” said Madame Maxime, whose enormous hand with its many superb opals was resting upon Fleur’s shoulder. “ ’Ogwarts cannot ’ave two champions. It is most injust.”

Clearly we should just give everyone two champions. Actually, why don't we do that?

“We were under the impression that your Age Line would keep out younger contestants, Dumbledore,” said Karkaroff, his steely smile still in place, though his eyes were colder than ever. “Otherwise, we would, of course, have brought along a wider selection of candidates from our own schools.”

I love that Karkaroff's response to this situation "I should've brought my own underage participants!" Do you think he has like, an edgy little dark wizard back at Durmstrang who's an even better battle wizard than Krum?

I'm kind of surprised the age-restriction thing is a modern invention. Yeah, people back in the day were a bit less precious about child-safety, but this is a spectator event based on magical skill. I don't think that many people are interested in watching an eleven-year-old be crushed beneath the pendulous nutsack of a tanuki. The colosseum, as far as I know, didn't have an under sixteen division.

Alright, time for the meme:

“It’s no one’s fault but Potter’s, Karkaroff,” said Snape softly. His black eyes were alight with malice. “Don’t go blaming Dumbledore for Potter’s determination to break rules. He has been crossing lines ever since he arrived here —”

“Thank you, Severus,” said Dumbledore firmly, and Snape went quiet, though his eyes still glinted malevolently through his curtain of greasy black hair.

You know, this was the last book Rowling wrote before the films started coming out. By her own admission, Alan Rickman's performance ended up seeping into her version of Snape, so I'm curious if he comes off as less of a raging dickhead in the last few books. For now, though, the meme:

Professor Dumbledore was now looking down at Harry, who looked right back at him, trying to discern the expression of the eyes behind the half-moon spectacles.

“Did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire, Harry?” he asked calmly.

Or if you prefer:

I kind of suspect this little change, whether it was Gambon or the director's idea, poisoned a lot of people against Dumbledore 2.0, even though I don't think it's all that representative of Gambon's take on the character.

“No,” said Harry. He was very aware of everybody watching him closely. Snape made a soft noise of impatient disbelief in the shadows.

“Did you ask an older student to put it into the Goblet of Fire for you?” said Professor Dumbledore, ignoring Snape.

“No,” said Harry vehemently.

I like to think that (alone) wouldn't have worked, and Dumbledore is just covering his bases, but you never know. Even so, you'd think a pretty basic precaution would be requiring a name to be entered by its owner.

Bagman wiped his round, boyish face with his handkerchief and looked at Mr. Crouch, who was standing outside the circle of the firelight, his face half hidden in shadow. He looked slightly eerie, the half darkness making him look much older, giving him an almost skull-like appearance. When he spoke, however, it was in his usual curt voice.

“We must follow the rules, and the rules state clearly that those people whose names come out of the Goblet of Fire are bound to compete in the tournament.”

This reminds me of when I was little, and I thought the term "football draft" meant that footy teams were allowed to force private citizens to play for them against their will. That's why I chose to be a doughy, uncoordinated child with flat feet.

“I insist upon resubmitting the names of the rest of my students,” said Karkaroff. He had dropped his unctuous tone and his smile now. His face wore a very ugly look indeed. “You will set up the Goblet of Fire once more, and we will continue adding names until each school has two champions. It’s only fair, Dumbledore.”

“But Karkaroff, it doesn’t work like that,” said Bagman. “The Goblet of Fire’s just gone out — it won’t reignite until the start of the next tournament —”

So, why exactly did the three schools decide the champions needed to be picked by a weird magical black box whose choice can never be appealed. Was there some law that said every new event or tradition required at least one new magical artifact lest the goblins or wizard artificers not get their cut?

Supposedly, the Goblet use it because it's "impartial" but this isn't the part of the tournament that calls for impartiality. Of course the headmasters would pick students they felt had the best chance of winning, that's how every contest ever works. There's not really much room for cheating there, besides maybe bringing in ringers, or dosing adult wizards and witches with youth potion or something. Meanwhile, the actual tournament is judged by the headmasters themselves, and two British, Hogwarts alumni. That strikes me as a much more questionable setup than "Karkaroff picked Krum because he's famous and good at magic."

Goblet of Fire probably has the distinction of being the most contrived of the books. In a saner universe, I'd expect the Triwizard champions to be selected via trials held at the participating schools, possibly the year before the actual Tournament. Or if you still want that full "wizard UN summit" feel, the trials are for the finalists, who then travel to the host school to insert their names in the Inciting Incident Cup. Problem is, having a whole set of semi-finals the year before would badly cut into Prisoner of Azkaban, assuming Rowling had even came up with the Triwizard Tournament when she was writing that. Plus, you'd still have to figure out how to get Harry involved.

Ironically, this would be much simpler if Rowling was a worse writer, because then she could just have Harry enter his name and be picked as the youngest champion ever because he's a prodigy super-wizard. But aside from the fact Rowling isn't that sort of writer, and Harry isn't that sort of protagonist, you'd still have to find space for Cedric. A possible good writing solution I think would be to make the Triwizard Tournament a lot bigger, more of a magical Olympics, with multiple age divisions, and have Harry enter of his own free will because it sounds like a good time. But that'd probably require a lot more moving pieces, and you'd lose out on the underdog factor because he'd be competing against wizards and witches his own age.

— in which Durmstrang will most certainly not be competing!” exploded Karkaroff. “After all our meetings and negotiations and compromises, I little expected something of this nature to occur! I have half a mind to leave now!”

“Empty threat, Karkaroff,” growled a voice from near the door. “You can’t leave your champion now. He’s got to compete. They’ve all got to compete. Binding magical contract, like Dumbledore said. Convenient, eh?”

We're never told what would happen if Harry or one of the other champions didn't compete. A lot of fans assume they'd lose their magic, but as I've mentioned before, there's never ever indication in the books that wizards can lose their powers, and I feel like Rowling would just say so if it was that straightforward. Normally I'm fine with authors leaving some things to the readers' imagination (what happens if you drink unicorn blood? How are Horcruxes made?) but here I think the lack of detail doesn't help the contrived feel. For lack of any other ideas, I'm going to assume if Harry doesn't compete, he'll be banished to the dimension wizards send their shit and piss for all eternity.

Convenient?” said Karkaroff. “I’m afraid I don’t understand you, Moody.”

Harry could tell he was trying to sound disdainful, as though what Moody was saying was barely worth his notice, but his hands gave him away; they had balled themselves into fists.

“Don’t you?” said Moody quietly. “It’s very simple, Karkaroff. Someone put Potter’s name in that goblet knowing he’d have to compete if it came out.”

“Evidently, someone ’oo wished to give ’Ogwarts two bites at ze apple!” said Madame Maxime.

And so picked a fourteen-year-old B+ or less student, and not say, another badass seventh year.

“I quite agree, Madame Maxime,” said Karkaroff, bowing to her. “I shall be lodging complaints with the Ministry of Magic and the International Confederation of Wizards —”

“If anyone’s got reason to complain, it’s Potter,” growled Moody, “but … funny thing … I don’t hear him saying a word. …”

“Why should ’e complain?” burst out Fleur Delacour, stamping her foot. “ ’E ’as ze chance to compete, ’asn’t ’e? We ’ave all been ’oping to be chosen for weeks and weeks! Ze honor for our schools! A thousand Galleons in prize money — zis is a chance many would die for!”

Calm down, girl, it's basically just a school sports carnival.

“We all know Professor Moody considers the morning wasted if he hasn’t discovered six plots to murder him before lunchtime,” said Karkaroff loudly. “Apparently he is now teaching his students to fear assassination too. An odd quality in a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Dumbledore, but no doubt you had your reasons.”

Teaching kids to be vigilant, why would the "How to avoid being fucked with by evil wizards" teacher teach that?

“Imagining things, am I?” growled Moody. “Seeing things, eh? It was a skilled witch or wizard who put the boy’s name in that goblet. …”

“Ah, what evidence is zere of zat?” said Madame Maxime, throwing up her huge hands.

“Because they hoodwinked a very powerful magical object!” said Moody. “It would have needed an exceptionally strong Confundus Charm to bamboozle that goblet into forgetting that only three schools compete in the tournament. … I’m guessing they submitted Potter’s name under a fourth school, to make sure he was the only one in his category. …”

What school did the Goblet think Harry was representing? Ilvermorny? Is he the first Yakubian champion from Uagadou?

“You seem to have given this a great deal of thought, Moody,” said Karkaroff coldly, “and a very ingenious theory it is — though of course, I heard you recently got it into your head that one of your birthday presents contained a cunningly disguised basilisk egg, and smashed it to pieces before realizing it was a carriage clock. So you’ll understand if we don’t take you entirely seriously. …”

“There are those who’ll turn innocent occasions to their advantage,” Moody retorted in a menacing voice. “It’s my job to think the way Dark wizards do, Karkaroff — as you ought to remember. …”

“Alastor!” said Dumbledore warningly. Harry wondered for a moment whom he was speaking to, but then realized “Mad-Eye” could hardly be Moody’s real first name.

You know a werewolf named Remus Lupin and a guy called Stanley Shunpike.

“How this situation arose, we do not know,” said Dumbledore, speaking to everyone gathered in the room. “It seems to me, however, that we have no choice but to accept it. Both Cedric and Harry have been chosen to compete in the Tournament. This, therefore, they will do. …”

“Ah, but Dumbly-dorr —”

Question, what exactly qualifies as "competing" in the magical contract's eyes? Spoilers, one of the champions fails to achieve the objective of the Second Task, and they're not even disqualified from the tournament, let alone banished to the shit dimension. Couldn't Harry say, dive into the lake, hold his breath underwater as long as he can, then come back up and say he tried?

Mr. Crouch seemed to come out of a deep reverie.

“Yes,” he said, “instructions. Yes … the first task …”

He moved forward into the firelight. Close up, Harry thought he looked ill. There were dark shadows beneath his eyes and a thin, papery look about his wrinkled skin that had not been there at the Quidditch World Cup.

“The first task is designed to test your daring,” he told Harry, Cedric, Fleur, and Viktor, “so we are not going to be telling you what it is. Courage in the face of the unknown is an important quality in a wizard … very important. …"

I kind of wish the Olympics worked like this. Actually, the level of shenanigans at play here do kind of remind me how much of a shitshow the first Olympics was.

dents and the panel of judges.

“The champions are not permitted to ask for or accept help of any kind from their teachers to complete the tasks in the tournament. The champions will face the first challenge armed only with their wands. They will receive information about the second task when the first is over. Owing to the demanding and time-consuming nature of the tournament, the champions are exempted from end-of-year tests.”

Remember, magical education is fake.

Harry glanced at Cedric, who nodded, and they left together.

The Great Hall was deserted now; the candles had burned low, giving the jagged smiles of the pumpkins an eerie, flickering quality.

“So,” said Cedric, with a slight smile. “We’re playing against each other again!”

“I s’pose,” said Harry. He really couldn’t think of anything to say. The inside of his head seemed to be in complete disarray, as though his brain had been ransacked.

“So … tell me …” said Cedric as they reached the entrance hall, which was now lit only by torches in the absence of the Goblet of Fire. “How did you get your name in?”

“I didn’t,” said Harry, staring up at him. “I didn’t put it in. I was telling the truth.”

“Ah … okay,” said Cedric. Harry could tell Cedric didn’t believe him. “Well … see you, then.”

Remember how I said this book was the birth of a lot of second hand persecution complexes? Yeah, I cannot count how many fanfics I've read that start with Harry brooding about nobody believing that he didn't put his name in the Goblet of Fire, sometimes two, three, or even twenty years later. Putting aside how pathetic that is, I think a lot of fans forget two things. One, the other characters don't have access to Harry's every thought and feeling the way we readers do. Two, Harry putting his name in the Goblet... honestly wouldn't be that out of character? Harry might be a fairly down-to-earth sort of hero, but he also isn't a hapless, Arthur Dent style everyman who'd rather be at home with a nice cup of tea. Snape may be a dick, but he is right about one thing--Harry is no stranger to rule breaking. Sometimes breaks the rules because he feels it's the right thing to do, but sometimes he just does it because he's angry or thinks it's fun. He wanders the castle after lights out, he sneaks out to Hogsmeade while a mass murderer is out looking for him. He's not be Horrid Henry, but he's not Perfect Peter, either. He likes adventure!

(Remember that Horrid Henry discourse on X a little while ago?)

Was anyone except Ron and Hermione going to believe him, or would they all think he’d put himself in for the tournament? Yet how could anyone think that, when he was facing competitors who’d had three years’ more magical education than he had — when he was now facing tasks that not only sounded very dangerous, but which were to be performed in front of hundreds of people? Yes, he’d thought about it … he’d fantasized about it … but it had been a joke, really, an idle sort of dream … he’d never really, seriously considered entering. …

It'd be surprising, but not unthinkable, is what I'm saying.

But someone else had considered it … someone else had wanted him in the tournament, and had made sure he was entered. Why? To give him a treat? He didn’t think so, somehow. …

Look, Vernon always wanted to be a sports dad, and Dudley is slower than some trees, so...

Was Moody just being his usual paranoid self? Couldn’t someone have put Harry’s name in the goblet as a trick, a practical joke? Did anyone really want him dead?

Are we doing this?

Harry was able to answer that at once. Yes, someone wanted him dead, someone had wanted him dead ever since he had been a year old … Lord Voldemort. But how could Voldemort have ensured that Harry’s name got into the Goblet of Fire? Voldemort was supposed to be far away, in some distant country, in hiding, alone … feeble and powerless. …

Yet in that dream he had had, just before he had awoken with his scar hurting, Voldemort had not been alone … he had been talking to Wormtail … plotting Harry’s murder. …

Does Dudley beat Harry so hard every summer, he just forgets the plots of the previous book?

The blast of noise that met Harry’s ears when the portrait opened almost knocked him backward. Next thing he knew, he was being wrenched inside the common room by about a dozen pairs of hands, and was facing the whole of Gryffindor House, all of whom were screaming, applauding, and whistling.

“You should’ve told us you’d entered!” bellowed Fred; he looked half annoyed, half deeply impressed.

“How did you do it without getting a beard? Brilliant!” roared George.

Clearly he shaved it.

“I didn’t,” Harry said. “I don’t know how —”

But Angelina had now swooped down upon him; “Oh if it couldn’t be me, at least it’s a Gryffindor —”

“You’ll be able to pay back Diggory for that last Quidditch match, Harry!” shrieked Katie Bell, another of the Gryffindor Chasers.

I love the word choice. "Shrieked." Apparently Katie Bell is part banshee.

Everyone wanted to know how he had done it, how he had tricked Dumbledore’s Age Line and managed to get his name into the goblet. …

“I didn’t,” he said, over and over again, “I don’t know how it happened.”

But for all the notice anyone took, he might just as well not have answered at all.

“I’m tired!” he bellowed finally, after nearly half an hour. “No, seriously, George — I’m going to bed —”

"Stop dry humping me!"

He wanted more than anything to find Ron and Hermione, to find a bit of sanity, but neither of them seemed to be in the common room. Insisting that he needed to sleep, and almost flattening the little Creevey brothers as they attempted to waylay him at the foot of the stairs, Harry managed to shake everyone off and climb up to the dormitory as fast as he could.

By "everyone" Harry means the other Littl' Bits cast members the Creeveys had summoned to pounce on him.

To his great relief, he found Ron was lying on his bed in the otherwise empty dormitory, still fully dressed.

"Harry had been okay with him sleeping nude, but ginger pubes are way more distracting."

“Where’ve you been?” Harry said.

“Oh hello,” said Ron.

He was grinning, but it was a very odd, strained sort of grin. Harry suddenly became aware that he was still wearing the scarlet Gryffindor banner that Lee had tied around him. He hastened to take it off, but it was knotted very tightly.

It's actually one of Venom's offspring.

“So,” he said, when Harry had finally removed the banner and thrown it into a corner. “Congratulations.”

“What d’you mean, congratulations?” said Harry, staring at Ron. There was definitely something wrong with the way Ron was smiling: It was more like a grimace.

“Well … no one else got across the Age Line,” said Ron. “Not even Fred and George. What did you use — the Invisibility Cloak?”

“The Invisibility Cloak wouldn’t have got me over that line,” said Harry slowly.

Death: To you, I grant an unbeatable wand! To you, a stone that allows you to spit in own my eye! And to you... I don't know, how about a slightly better invisibility cloak? Oh, it's not better at hiding you, it just won't fade in the laundry.

“Oh right,” said Ron. “I thought you might’ve told me if it was the cloak … because it would’ve covered both of us, wouldn’t it? But you found another way, did you?”

“Listen,” said Harry, “I didn’t put my name in that goblet. Someone else must’ve done it.”

Ron raised his eyebrows.

“What would they do that for?”

“I dunno,” said Harry. He felt it would sound very melodramatic to say, “To kill me.”

Ron’s eyebrows rose so high that they were in danger of disappearing into his hair.

I am Ron's strongest soldier, and that's never going to change, but I also feel like Ron is normally smart enough to recognise that sort of thing.

“It’s okay, you know, you can tell me the truth,” he said. “If you don’t want everyone else to know, fine, but I don’t know why you’re bothering to lie, you didn’t get into trouble for it, did you? That friend of the Fat Lady’s, that Violet, she’s already told us all Dumbledore’s letting you enter. A thousand Galleons prize money, eh? And you don’t have to do end-of-year tests either. …”

“I didn’t put my name in that goblet!” said Harry, starting to feel angry.

“Yeah, okay,” said Ron, in exactly the same sceptical tone as Cedric. “Only you said this morning you’d have done it last night, and no one would’ve seen you. … I’m not stupid, you know.”

“You’re doing a really good impression of it,” Harry snapped.

He's not wrong.

 

[IridiumDragon06]

Look, Harry, Fleur's French--she might not mean that dismissively.

Not better! (What will his sports-girlfriend think?)

Wait, shit, new idea; Xtreme Sports Quidditch! Fuck skill and flying ability, just put your biggest fuck-off-iest barely-qualifies-as-wizards on broomsticks and have them murder the opposing team! Hagrid for Beater!

I like how utterly uncomprehending Bagman seems to be why anyone would be pissed off or confused right now. I assume it comes from playing Quidditch professionally for years.

Eh, causality could flow in either direction; either a lifetime of Qudditch takes a nasty toll on the old brainmeats, or no one with a functioning brain stays in Qudditch for long.

And so picked a fourteen-year-old B+ or less student, and not say, another badass seventh year.

"Look, he has managed to murk Voldemort slightly more than one time!"

For me, I actually remembering liking this twist, not because I enjoyed the 5edgy3me drama around Harry not doing it and no one believing him, but because it's an appropriately in-universe response to the nonsense that is Harry Potter's earlier scholastic education.

Also, I wonder how much wizardly media Gilderoy got out during his oh-so-productive DatDA year; even if it got published in the wizard papers that he was a fraud and is now practicing Advanced Zen, I imagine quite a few wizards have just absorbed "Harry Potter's a fame-hound, but kind of understandably so because of the crazy shit he gets up to and pulls off." into their worldview without considering where that idea came from.

I also now want to read the book where Harry does decide "Wait, someone might actually be trying to kill me here." and so, after talking with Cedric, Dumbledore, and a few others, gets firm magical guidelines on what's the weakest definition of 'compete' possible, and instead spends the book gently encouraging Cedric, investigating the details of the tournament and goblet, and doing the most absolutely asinine, dogwater attempts possible, as the conspirators realize with growing horror there is no amount of cheating that is going to get him to win.

But, as someone who remembers being a teenage boy at that age, and again with the knowledge that Harry is a Sports Lad and will just accept that a competition has dropped in his lap, and winning it is much more important than the probably-murderous reason for it.

What school did the Goblet think Harry was representing?

I'd say either the classic "No school", to get around the restriction on three schools, or maybe the more advanced "Hogwarts'); UPDATE goblet_rules SET school_count = 4 WHERE binding_contract = TRUE;"

(God, I'm a nerd.)

Remember, magical education is fake.

Magical education is a subset of education, yes!

 

[TheAmbiguousLurker]

What school did the Goblet think Harry was representing? Ilvermorny? Is he the first Yakubian champion from Uagadou?

I like how Barty basically explains his own plan for no other reason than to pat himself on the back. "Only a badass dark wizard with the cleverest mind and the biggest dick could have pulled off such a scheme!"

(Remember that Horrid Henry discourse on X a little while ago?)

Well, if you make your kid's first name 'Horrid', I don't know what you were expecting.

And I'm happy that twitter has finally caught up to my childhood arguments when I had to read the books!

Look, Vernon always wanted to be a sports dad, and Dudley is slower than some trees, so...

"Only a powerful dark wizard could pierce the Goblet's magical wards."

"That, or a reasonably priced drill."

He's not wrong.

Mom, Dad; stop fighting!

 

[Another Random]

And now we have the part where everyone started to hate Ron and Harrymione stocks began to grow higher and higher.