gothwerewolf- 27 FTM |
1/19 |
12/19 [score hidden] 11 hours ago*
I’m nonmonogamous with my long term partner. She’s mostly into men so just by statistical average her other partners have been cis guys. I don’t know how many comments you’ll get from people who’ve been in a similar position (don’t think it’s super common) so I wanted to say something.
First off, I’m sympathetic. This is a bit different but when her other closest partner got a vasectomy I remember being really weirdly dysphoric about it lol. Like, I wasn’t upset with her or him about it at all, but I felt a weird envy that it was something he had to go through to prevent pregnancies and I didn’t. Being jealous of getting a vasectomy felt very goofy even in the moment but I was still aware it was how I felt lol. I’ve always been dysphoric about not being able to ejaculate so it just hit me weirdly hard. I think nonmonogamy can dredge up a lot of insecurity — and transness, especially dysphoria, overlaps with insecurity a lot.
That said, a huge part of nonmonogamy is learning to work through those things, imo. Not invalidate or ignore your own feelings, but learn to address them in a healthy way. I feel like through working through my insecurities in nonmonogamy I’ve just become a more stable and confident and secure person in general, but it starts with facing these things. A big tenet of nonmonogamy imo is embracing that every human has unique things to offer. You bring to the table particular things for your partner that nobody else could ever replicate because every human being is different. The whole idea is that it’s possible to love or be attracted to or sleep with multiple people without that devaluing everyone else. This is just one of those times. The fact that somebody else your partner is seeing requires birth control is just one of the many difference between you and that person—and in this case, imo, you get the better deal by NOT having to worry about pregnancy scares, to be honest, lmao. And remember, there are plenty of infertile cis men too. For all you know even if you’d been AMAB you’d be infertile or have gotten a vasectomy already.
Ultimately your partner obviously has a right to take birth control, and it’s better for everyone involved she does if she doesn’t want to get pregnant. I don’t think your feelings are invalid but I think you just need to make peace with the fact that an aspect of nonmonogamy is all the differences between us and our partners’ other partners. I hope this makes sense. Good luck
[–]faceoffog [score hidden] 7 hours ago
thank you for being so detailed and putting this so kindly. i completely understand that this is an insecurity i have and that i have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable esp with polyam dynamics. but i completely relate with you about the ejaculation dysphoria, which is why it is more difficult. if you don't mind how did you cope with it and were there certain conversations that you had with your partner that helped? we haven't had a new person in our relationship for a while so this feels difficult to navigate for me
[–]gothwerewolf- 27 FTM |
1/19 |
12/19 [score hidden] 4 hours ago*
A big part of how I coped with it was through the exact process I described — Reminding myself that everyone in a relationship brings a unique dynamic, set of experiences, etc to the table. There are PLENTY of things that I bring to the table that her other partner doesn’t, and vise versa, even unrelated to transness. Likewise, since I’m bisexual I’m also into men, and it helps me to remind myself that my being attracted to men doesn’t change at all how I feel about my partner (who is a cis woman). Both can be true! I can be attracted to a man and in love with her. She can love both me and her other partner. They don’t even have to be comparable. They’re just different and equal.
This is a bit random, but you could also consider looking into dialectical behavioral therapy. You don’t actually need to go to a DBT therapist, but look up the various worksheets and such that are taught in DBT. Personally I’ve found many of the strategies there very helpful for navigating where dysphoria and insecure attachment overlap.
I did talk to my partner about it in my situation, but I would say tread lightly, because you want to make sure you don’t come across controlling or guilt trippy. Don’t ask her to change. But if you have a good relationship I hope they would understand and take you in good faith. My advice is to keep things very very intentionally to “I” statements. Let her know that YOU have been struggling with a weird, unexpected dysphoria about her being on birth control and come up with how you could solve or address it in a way that puts no pressure on her to change. This might just be “not talking about it,” which is valid, although I usually am more of a proponent of working out a more active solution. Maybe something like finding new ways to experiment together sexually that help you feel more affirmed, or talking together about the things that make your relationship meaningful and spending time together doing things that are unique to the two of you (like shared hobbies or interests). Basically, I’d suggest framing it as something like “I’ve been dealing with this insecurity recently and I want to come up with solutions together.”
Briaboo2008 [score hidden] 12 hours ago
I would reframe this- their other partners body produces a substance that could harm them and they have to protect themself. Your body doesn’t produce the substance that risks their future and health.
[–]faceoffog [score hidden] 12 hours ago
i like the way you think, but I also have so much penis envy lile rationally i know that not everyone feels this was about
but it just makes me feel like im missing something. Definitely something i need to work on
PaxonGoat [score hidden] 10 hours ago
Please don't take this the wrong way but why are you in a poly relationship?
It doesn't sound like it brings you joy? It sounds like the thought of your partner being with another man is actually rather upsetting for you?
OP you are not a bad person if you would be happier in a monogamous relationship. There is nothing wrong with monogamy. You're allowed to want things that make you happy.
[–]faceoffog [score hidden] 7 hours ago
that's definitely something to think about. i think with cis men in the picture i feel like i lack something. i know that's not true but i find it hard to hold space for that. and as for monogamy, i historically have been attracted to multiple people so i wouldn't consider myself monogamous. but with dysphoria in the equation it becomes more difficult. idk if im making sense, ik there's nothing wrong with monogamy but i haven't been monogamous in a long time, maybe i was with the wrong people or maybe i have changed. my partner and i also went long distance sometime back and we haven't been able to spend a lot of time together which is also adding some stress in our relationship
[–]PaxonGoat [score hidden] 7 hours ago
It sounds like you are not feeling secure in the relationship.
And because your relationship is feeling rocky and not secure, it is giving you more dysphoric issues than you had.
Like can you say 100% without a doubt you know your partner wants to always be with you and will always choose you?
