💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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Chapter 1: The basils of righting
(aka I HAD TO FUCKING TAKE NOTES ON THIS SHIT. NOTES.)

We begin, as always, with the framing device (or 'Framing Device' as Glo and Daddy would put it) of Professor Epstein telling some beleaguered fifth grade children the story of Maradonia. They give a pretty unhelpful recap that Joey and Maya found the Key to the Underworld, then the slightly more relevant information that Maya and Joey have been summoned to a place called Tyronia.

Tyronia seems like a pretty apt name for the place once we find out that tyrannical Joey and Maya are being summoned by the dragon king Perganon because he's old and wants them to succeed him. The three dragons that deliver this information are named Tarakann, Dasha and fucking Emoogie.

By the way, something that's always nettled me about the framing device (apart from clumsiness, lack of sensitivity, incredible repetitiveness) is that this guy is a professor who substitute teaches art classes in elementary school. I went to an extremely fancy private primary school and even there we didn't have any professors teaching us, let alone as subs. Also, it's not even a private school.

We move onto the story proper, where a 'Mysterious Rider' is riding around all skree in a dark cloak upon an equally skree dark steed. It is in no way ripped off from Fellowship of the Ring.

It's actually very difficult to tell whose perspective the passage is from at the start. There's talk of the rider's thoughts, but also of Apollyon's. The rider smells rotten eggs and thinks that he needs to avoid the 'Tanika Monsters' and Professor I-teach-fifth-graders interrupts for a second to let us know the kids are all giggling about Tanika monsters being stinky.

The rider tells someone to move, I guess the horse? He thinks 'we' need to avoid the Tanika monsters but it's hard to tell if he means him and the horse, him and an as-yet-unmentioned companion, or if he just talks like the Queen. Someone's shooting arrows at him, at any rate. The rider thinks he needs to cross the D ua ne River


to lose his pursuer, which again is nothing at all like Fellowship of the Ring.

He arrives at King Apollyon's palace, where he's ushered through to meet with the King and his sons. Then we find out he is not a he, but a she, and she's Gertrude the Fairy. Whatever. Their spies have told them Maya gets messages straight from the King of Light and like a dumbass writes them in her journal. Apollyon desperately wants to read Maya's journal.

We get this gem:
'The king was pretty good informed by his Border Patrol.'

Good to know. Sounds like Gloria was channeling Chris there for a moment.

Apollyon finds out about Maya being literally impervious to harm. Gloria's massive ego shines through here as this entire part is all about Maya and it doesn't once mention Joey. Glo is so pleased about the line 'the failure to prepare is preparation to fail' that she uses it twice in two pages, despite having also used it in the first book. Such is the wisdom of Apollyon.
Then we get one of the best lines in the original Maradonia movie trailer: "Go... For the kill!"

Like all the lines Gloria thinks are clever or poignant, it's repeated to make sure we appreciate its brilliance.

Then it's back to Professor Art Class. 'Go for the kill' is repeated one more time. I guess third time's the charm.
The professor gives backstory for Maya and Joey and it's basically the events of the first book (flattering herself by having the professor repeatedly refer to it as a saga) and then mercifully, the chapter ends...

Only for us to discover that wasn't even the first fucking chapter. That wasn't even the Prologue - that comes next. It was just words and words and words.

I need alcohol.
 
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LOL! I just found out where Dr. Tesch got the crappy looking scenes shown in the trailer of the guys shooting arrows at each other. You know, that part that looks totally different than the rest of the movie? It's a place called "Dreamstime.com" that sells, of all things, stock footage that you can use royalty free or for an extended license.


This:
MUEyDj3.jpg


Can be found here: http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-vid...g-arrows-opposition-battlefield-video52827049

Sorry, can't embed it but I did make it clicky.

So here I am thinking that when the movie eventually comes out... on video how many old timey scenes will Dr. Tesch have lifted from there?
 
For The Internet said:
Chapter 1: The basils of righting
(aka I HAD TO FUCKING TAKE NOTES ON THIS SHIT. NOTES.)

We begin, as always, with the framing device (or 'Framing Device' as Glo and Daddy would put it) of Professor Epstein telling some beleaguered fifth grade children the story of Maradonia. They give a pretty unhelpful recap that Joey and Maya found the Key to the Underworld, then the slightly more relevant information that Maya and Joey have been summoned to a place called Tyronia.

Tyronia seems like a pretty apt name for the place once we find out that tyrannical Joey and Maya are being summoned by the dragon king Perganon because he's old and wants them to succeed him. The three dragons that deliver this information are named Tarakann, Dasha and fucking Emoogie.

By the way, something that's always nettled me about the framing device (apart from clumsiness, lack of sensitivity, incredible repetitiveness) is that this guy is a professor who substitute teaches art classes in elementary school. I went to an extremely fancy private primary school and even there we didn't have any professors teaching us, let alone as subs. Also, it's not even a private school.

We move onto the story proper, where a 'Mysterious Rider' is riding around all skree in a dark cloak upon an equally skree dark steed. It is in no way ripped off from Fellowship of the Ring.

It's actually very difficult to tell whose perspective the passage is from at the start. There's talk of the rider's thoughts, but also of Apollyon's. The rider smells rotten eggs and thinks that he needs to avoid the 'Tanika Monsters' and Professor I-teach-fifth-graders interrupts for a second to let us know the kids are all giggling about Tanika monsters being stinky.

The rider tells someone to move, I guess the horse? He thinks 'we' need to avoid the Tanika monsters but it's hard to tell if he means him and the horse, him and an as-yet-unmentioned companion, or if he just talks like the Queen. Someone's shooting arrows at him, at any rate. The rider thinks he needs to cross the D ua ne River

https://youtube.com/watch?v=mGvdVXxFkY4
to lose his pursuer, which again is nothing at all like Fellowship of the Ring.

He arrives at King Apollyon's palace, where he's ushered through to meet with the King and his sons. Then we find out he is not a he, but a she, and she's Gertrude the Fairy. Whatever. Their spies have told them Maya gets messages straight from the King of Light and like a dumbass writes them in her journal. Apollyon desperately wants to read Maya's journal.

We get this gem:
'The king was pretty good informed by his Border Patrol.'

Good to know. Sounds like Gloria was channeling Chris there for a moment.

Apollyon finds out about Maya being literally impervious to harm. Gloria's massive ego shines through here as this entire part is all about Maya and it doesn't once mention Joey. Glo is so pleased about the line 'the failure to prepare is preparation to fail' that she uses it twice in two pages, despite having also used it in the first book. Such is the wisdom of Apollyon.
Then we get one of the best lines in the original Maradonia movie trailer: "Go... For the kill!"

Like all the lines Gloria thinks are clever or poignant, it's repeated to make sure we appreciate its brilliance.

Then it's back to Professor Art Class. 'Go for the kill' is repeated one more time. I guess third time's the charm.
The professor gives backstory for Maya and Joey and it's basically the events of the first book (flattering herself by having the professor repeatedly refer to it as a saga) and then mercifully, the chapter ends...

Only for us to discover that wasn't even the first fucking chapter. That wasn't even the Prologue - that comes next. It was just words and words and words.

I need alcohol.
Click to expand...

This is a huge task, man. I'll take the Gold of Ophir, you take the Dragon Riders, otherwise someone will die.
 
Phil Ken Sebben said:
LOL! I just found out where Dr. Tesch got the crappy looking scenes shown in the trailer of the guys shooting arrows at each other. You know, that part that looks totally different than the rest of the movie? It's a place called "Dreamstime.com" that sells, of all things, stock footage that you can use royalty free or for an extended license.


This:
MUEyDj3.jpg


Can be found here: http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-vid...g-arrows-opposition-battlefield-video52827049

Sorry, can't embed it but I did make it clicky.

So here I am thinking that when the movie eventually comes out... on video how many old timey scenes will Dr. Tesch have lifted from there?
Click to expand...
Mass scenes are prohibitively expensive to shoot. Team Tesch will have to resort to stock footage for all battle scenes etc. if they want to have such in the movie.
 
DykesDykesChina said:
Mass scenes are prohibitively expensive to shoot. Team Tesch will have to resort to stock footage for all battle scenes etc. if they want to have such in the movie.
Click to expand...
Oh I know they are. All those guys need to be paid, they need to eat, they need portapotties, costumes, travel to and from the set etc. Papa Tesch may be a grifter but unless he tries to work out a deal where the extras get paid a portion of the net he's not going to be able to do all that.

I was commenting on how the two filmstocks looked different. The stock footage is old, grainy and a little washed out and the rest looks like it was filmed digitally. Also people wondered what old timey movie he lifted this from and there's your answer.
 
Phil Ken Sebben said:
Oh I know they are. All those guys need to be paid, they need to eat, they need portapotties, costumes, travel to and from the set etc. Papa Tesch may be a grifter but unless he tries to work out a deal where the extras get paid a portion of the net he's not going to be able to do all that.

I was commenting on how the two filmstocks looked different. The stock footage is old, grainy and a little washed out and the rest looks like it was filmed digitally. Also people wondered what old timey movie he lifted this from and there's your answer.
Click to expand...
BTW the same goes for the incredibly stiff flying dragon in the video, Team Tesch didn't animate it themselves, it's a stock video dragon.
 
DykesDykesChina said:
BTW the same goes for the incredibly stiff flying dragon in the video, Team Tesch didn't animate it themselves, it's a stock video dragon.
Click to expand...
I figured but to be honest I wouldn't expect them to create, render and fully animate a CGI dragon then insert it digitally into the movie. That would take time away from Glo Glo getting attention lavished on her.

And getting somebody to actually do it would cost money which has been shown that Gunther doesn't actually have so stock footage is the way to go.

Big Nasty said:
Gloria's not exactly the first one to do that. David Eddings ripped that off too.
Click to expand...
Maybe so but at least David Eddings had an enjoyable series of books. I read the hell out of the Belgariad and Malloreon when I was younger.

But when you get down to it the whole dark rider on a dark horse thing has existed for a lot longer than Tolkien. He's just the one that brought fantasy to the masses and as such gets most of the comparisons. Fact remains that most high fantasy books will in some way be accused of ripping off Tolkien.
 
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Lorento's autistic ramblings continue in Maradonia GoO: 5-6: The boring bit.

This is quite a daunting prospect. You see, the Maradonia books tend to start of lulzworthy, but then devolve into borefests until the next Apollyon chapter. There are some funny moments but much of it is filler. Hence you'll find me going a bit faster through the next few chapters. So anyway, where were we?

Oh yeah, Maya got the crap beaten out of her by Alana Terrence and her girlfriends.
That's all really.

So Chapter 5 opens with Joey being worried because Maya hasn't arrived at the bus stop.So he goes after her and runs into Freddy, the boy who wet himself because of Alana. Joey asks where Maya is and Freddy sort of points him in the vague direction of where she was beaten up. I don't quite get Freddy's logic with this plan. So Alana said that she'd beat him up if he told anyone, but if he tells someone then Alana and co go to jail for a good while. So Freddy's just a fucking idiot really.

Joey heads over there and finds a crowd of kids surrounding Maya's prone body and tries his best to sound like a human.

0db984e5bee29265f25746bf03cec201.png

So much emotion here. I love how, having seen the bloody ruins of her face, he asks "Are you alright?" Really? Also, the fucked up thing here is that the nearby science teacher calls the paramedics, not the people surrounding Maya. So these crazy kids decided that they'd just watch someone bleed out rather than help them. Everyone in Teschland is a fucking psychopath.

So the medics arrive and put Maya in the ambulance. Then, reusing the same plot device from the Seven Bridges, Maya hears voices. Only this time, there's a vision to go with it.

a0bc840118bbfcf7be28989188442348.png

So, how exactly do the sailors know Maya is watching them? Secondly, this vision is pointless, it doesn't show something cryptic that the heroes have to figure out, it's just...there. It does refer to a plot point later on, but it's not a clue to the identity of a master criminal or anything, it's just a shipwreck. How can a thirteen year old write this much and yet say so little?

And with that ends chapter 5. Great. Chapter 6 opens with this picture.

2cd3a378bcefa2f58e7fdc9d725deff5.png

Oddly enough, 'Never Again' is how I refer to reading these books. So anyway, Maya is in hospital and Joey has to answer some admin questions. This one in particular is odd.

c9f4fcd0ff652523d5cb27f11e3e460c.png

I have no words for how stupid this is. This isn't even for comedic effect, I lack the vocabulary to adequately describe why that dialogue is unbelievably bad.

So Maya is placed under the care of Doctor Harrison, which is in italics for some reason. Like, I might be able to understand if it's for important characters, but Harrison is not mentioned after these hospital scenes. Still, Tesch decides to ignore this and gives us more bible imagery.

6d6b7fd6fe5a8708e90935554010f4d5.png

Oh goody, Maya's in room 333 because she's like fucking Jesus. Also, ifyou think that Astrodoulos sounds like Jesus, he also had twelve servants in his house and lived a very humble life. Just be glad that that Aslan knock off is dead. Anyway, We've Maya and Joey to take his place, what could possibly be better?

After a while, the rest of the family arrive and Harrison comes in with Maya's X-Ray results.

39a3fc8460f2bc6462283d579c61f0fb.png

More classic Tesch, having a character explain something and then have another character immediately ask the question that was answered. I'll give her credit though, usually self inserts don't get hurt. Well, some do, but usually they end up getting healed and SON OF A BITCH TESCH YOU BETTER NOT DO THIS!

Anyway, Joey vows revenge with the most underwhelming revenge speech ever.

5479cdb78bfaf682ecd01a62d9ae9262.png

So he's going to reward them with a fancy card trick? What a guy, am I right? Seriously, this is really fucking stupid. So Joey leaves the hospital, plotting his revenge, when Libertine the talking dove appears! Why can she appear outside of Maradonia? Never explained. But she has some lulzy dialogue, such as...

84919ea0da8afcfcae43390299de289b.png

"Healing is a process."

Anyway, this is particularly stupid because Joey points out that good news means jack shit because the bad guys are looking for them. So what is Libertine's good news?

17616f2685b765c8da7c2898a456f744.png

THAT REPEATS WHAT WAS SAID ON THE OPPOSITE PAGE! It even has 'As you know' in it! This is the very description of an 'As you know Bob' speech. What the flying fuck?

Shit man, I need to do some actual work to get my mind off this shit. Have fun you lucky sods who don't have to read this.
 
Phil Ken Sebben said:
I figured but to be honest I wouldn't expect them to create, render and fully animate a CGI dragon then insert it digitally into the movie. That would take time away from Glo Glo getting attention lavished on her.

And getting somebody to actually do it would cost money which has been shown that Gunther doesn't actually have so stock footage is the way to go.


Maybe so but at least David Eddings had an enjoyable series of books. I read the hell out of the Belgariad and Malloreon when I was younger.

But when you get down to it the whole dark rider on a dark horse thing has existed for a lot longer than Tolkien. He's just the one that brought fantasy to the masses and as such gets most of the comparisons. Fact remains that most high fantasy books will in some way be accused of ripping off Tolkien.
Click to expand...

That's because a lot of them DO rip off Tolkien, since he created so many high fantasy tropes. It's kind of inevitable.

I mentioned Glo ripping it off because I'm sure she's seen the movies and the chase to the ferry is one of the most iconic scenes of the film. The rider and horse are described as looking just like the black rider and his horse and then they cross a river to lose their enemies. It's a mishmash of that scene.

Honestly, though, it's pretty minor. She's way more blatant about ripping off Narnia.


Also, there's even more stock footage in the trailer, including the door to the castle for some reason. I'll give the movie one thing - it's intent upon copying the dialogue from the books word for word. It will be a very literal adaptation.
 
For The Internet said:
I'll give the movie one thing - it's intent upon copying the dialogue from the books word for word. It will be a very literal adaptation.
Click to expand...
Well, it kind of has to be. Since Glo-Glo has been led to believe that every word that flows from her keyboard is pure gold, how could the movie even think of changing one line of dialogue written by The World's Youngest Published Author (TM)?

Snarkiness aside, Daddy Tesch has directors and actors and cameramen and crew to (theoretically) pay. Do you think he would also put (or that Glo-Glo would permit) a screenwriter on the payroll whose job is to clean up the vanity published mess that is Maradonia and the Something of Somewhere?
 
Sorry to de-rail the conversation, but I was just browsing through Glo's photos and found this. Does anyone have an explanation? Why is this dude's head photoshopped so big?

And it's funny none of Glo's followers even notice.
 

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Pizza The Hutt said:
Sorry to de-rail the conversation, but I was just browsing through Glo's photos and found this. Does anyone have an explanation? Why is this dude's head photoshopped so big?

And it's funny none of Glo's followers even notice.
Click to expand...

He has a head the size of a Great Dane!
 
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