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I met a guy online and we hit it off immediately. He was 20 years younger than I am, but since I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and I am quite open-minded, this didn’t bother me. He also confessed that he was very much into older women. We chatted for three weeks, and he seemed smart, funny, and, judging by how much time he spent online with me and by the things he said, very attracted to me. He previously was in a 6-year relationship which ended a year ago and, since then, in a 6-month relationship with a married woman my age.
He was very persistent and insisted that we meet at his place. I refused at first, asking that the first meeting be in a public place. However, I ended up giving in, and I did meet him at his place. There were no sparks; I didn’t feel anything for him, but somehow things evolved into something physical. We did not go all the way, but what we did do felt good. I was hoping that we could have a “situationship,” as neither of us was looking for something serious. He kept saying that he knew things were going to work out between us – that he’s never wrong – and that I looked as great or better than in my profile picture and he was sure we would meet again.
After I left his place, he texted to thank me for an amazing evening. The next morning he texted me again to ask how I was, but when I asked how he was, he never replied. I waited for a day and then asked him what was wrong. He said he was sorry but he still had feelings for his ex and we should leave things alone between us. The messages were long but came very quickly, like he was copy-pasting them or something. I told him that there was never any intention on my part to have a proper relationship and that I didn’t feel anything either but that I thought we would have had a great physical relationship. I ended my messages by saying I hoped we would never meet again.
The thing is, I was terribly hurt and confused because he went from charming and persistent to acting like an inconsiderate jerk, and I found his excuse about still having feelings for his ex lame and insulting to my intelligence. When I asked what was wrong, I was expecting something like “I didn’t like your body,” because I do have 20 pounds extra and why else would a guy in his right mind refuse a non-committal, discrete, strictly sexual relationship? Isn’t this what someone who hasn’t gotten over an ex would be interested in?
I cried my eyes out for two days because I felt I had been treated like an object, lied to, manipulated, and then discarded so easily. It’s my ego and my value as a human being that is bruised, not my feelings, as there were none, but I’m still having such a hard time understanding what was on this man’s mind. Please help. — Feeling Manipulated and Discarded
Who cares about this man? This man is a creep who is completely irrelevant to your life and your well-being, and he has absolutely zero bearing on your value as a human being. I think you know this – deep down you must know this. You didn’t even like this man. You felt no spark with him. He was a creep for not respecting your boundary of meeting in public. You are right that he manipulated you. He boosted your ego by pursuing you intently and telling you how good you look. That his follow-up actions didn’t align with his initial intentions does not subtract from your value because your value isn’t based on what a man – one single, creepy man – thinks about you. If the value of women *did* depend on what one single creepy guy thought of us, we’d all be in trouble. Thank goodness their feelings about us don’t matter.
What does matter is what you think about yourself and how you quantify your own value. What do you like about yourself? What do you think your friends and family like about you? Do you think, in their eyes, your value is affected by your weight or by what some creep thinks about you? If a friend listed all the things she loves about you and you replied, “but this guy I met on an app who is 20 years younger than I am didn’t want to see me again after I made out with him,” do you think that that would persuade her to change her list at all? I really doubt it, and it shouldn’t affect how YOU value yourself either.
Going forward, I hope you will continue setting boundaries with potential dates and then STICK to those boundaries. Don’t let a date talk you out of meeting in a public place. And if you don’t feel a spark when you meet, you don’t have to take things to the next level; you don’t have to get physical with someone you don’t feel that kind of connection with. Remember your value and don’t settle for less than what you know you’re worth. And don’t justify settling with words like “situationship” or telling yourself you don’t want anything serious anyway. You deserve to feel desired, respected, and turned on before you become intimate with someone, regardless of how serious or non-committed you are to each other. Anything less is settling, and you’re worth more than that.
“Why Did He Discard Me So Easily?”
I met a guy online and we hit it off immediately. He was 20 years younger than I am, but since I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and I am quite open-minded, this didn’t bother me. He also confessed that he was very much into older women. We chatted for three weeks, and he seemed smart, funny, and, judging by how much time he spent online with me and by the things he said, very attracted to me. He previously was in a 6-year relationship which ended a year ago and, since then, in a 6-month relationship with a married woman my age.
He was very persistent and insisted that we meet at his place. I refused at first, asking that the first meeting be in a public place. However, I ended up giving in, and I did meet him at his place. There were no sparks; I didn’t feel anything for him, but somehow things evolved into something physical. We did not go all the way, but what we did do felt good. I was hoping that we could have a “situationship,” as neither of us was looking for something serious. He kept saying that he knew things were going to work out between us – that he’s never wrong – and that I looked as great or better than in my profile picture and he was sure we would meet again.
After I left his place, he texted to thank me for an amazing evening. The next morning he texted me again to ask how I was, but when I asked how he was, he never replied. I waited for a day and then asked him what was wrong. He said he was sorry but he still had feelings for his ex and we should leave things alone between us. The messages were long but came very quickly, like he was copy-pasting them or something. I told him that there was never any intention on my part to have a proper relationship and that I didn’t feel anything either but that I thought we would have had a great physical relationship. I ended my messages by saying I hoped we would never meet again.
The thing is, I was terribly hurt and confused because he went from charming and persistent to acting like an inconsiderate jerk, and I found his excuse about still having feelings for his ex lame and insulting to my intelligence. When I asked what was wrong, I was expecting something like “I didn’t like your body,” because I do have 20 pounds extra and why else would a guy in his right mind refuse a non-committal, discrete, strictly sexual relationship? Isn’t this what someone who hasn’t gotten over an ex would be interested in?
I cried my eyes out for two days because I felt I had been treated like an object, lied to, manipulated, and then discarded so easily. It’s my ego and my value as a human being that is bruised, not my feelings, as there were none, but I’m still having such a hard time understanding what was on this man’s mind. Please help. — Feeling Manipulated and Discarded
Who cares about this man? This man is a creep who is completely irrelevant to your life and your well-being, and he has absolutely zero bearing on your value as a human being. I think you know this – deep down you must know this. You didn’t even like this man. You felt no spark with him. He was a creep for not respecting your boundary of meeting in public. You are right that he manipulated you. He boosted your ego by pursuing you intently and telling you how good you look. That his follow-up actions didn’t align with his initial intentions does not subtract from your value because your value isn’t based on what a man – one single, creepy man – thinks about you. If the value of women *did* depend on what one single creepy guy thought of us, we’d all be in trouble. Thank goodness their feelings about us don’t matter.
What does matter is what you think about yourself and how you quantify your own value. What do you like about yourself? What do you think your friends and family like about you? Do you think, in their eyes, your value is affected by your weight or by what some creep thinks about you? If a friend listed all the things she loves about you and you replied, “but this guy I met on an app who is 20 years younger than I am didn’t want to see me again after I made out with him,” do you think that that would persuade her to change her list at all? I really doubt it, and it shouldn’t affect how YOU value yourself either.
Going forward, I hope you will continue setting boundaries with potential dates and then STICK to those boundaries. Don’t let a date talk you out of meeting in a public place. And if you don’t feel a spark when you meet, you don’t have to take things to the next level; you don’t have to get physical with someone you don’t feel that kind of connection with. Remember your value and don’t settle for less than what you know you’re worth. And don’t justify settling with words like “situationship” or telling yourself you don’t want anything serious anyway. You deserve to feel desired, respected, and turned on before you become intimate with someone, regardless of how serious or non-committed you are to each other. Anything less is settling, and you’re worth more than that.
