Who will cry when you are dead?

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You will. Your mother and I have been talking about this..a lot... and we've decided to remove you from the will. It's been decades now and you've got nothing to show for it. No job, no education, no wife, no grandchildren for us to look after. We've invested everything in you. Wasted the best years of our life, any and all spare money and free time, all for you. And you've given us nothing in return but constant disappointment. We're leaving the house and everything else to your brother even though he doesn't even need it. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm sorry that you've failed us as a son. I'm just glad I listened to your mother and decided to have another child. She always knew early on you were going to turn out this way but I always told her life would knock some sense into you. Clearly I was wrong.
 
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I have family and friends who love me, so probably a few of them. I actually don't want people to cry at my funeral. I actually have an idea of how I want my wake and funeral to go. It involves rigging my corpse like a puppet and having a recorded message play, thanking them for attending my funeral, waving to them, and cracking a few jokes. I want people to laugh at my funeral. Or scream.
 
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