When Your Parents Are Polyamorous
What are kids to do when their parents come out as consensually nonmonogamous?
Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CSEPosted May 12, 2024
Kids generally do not like to think about their parents’ sex lives, and often find the whole idea gross. Realizing that your parents not only have sex but that they might be dating multiple people can be even more revolting.
- Kids with parents in a consensually nonmonogamous relationship might be unsure how they feel or what to say.
- Children from the Longitudinal Polyamorous Family Study have suggestions for kids who are new to polyfamilies.
- It is OK for kids to ask questions and talk about their feelings.
- Kids can still be themselves, no matter what their parents are doing.
Once they get over the sex gross-out, though, many kids realize that they get some advantages from having more adults around. The children who have participated in my ongoing Longitudinal Polyamorous Family Study (1996-present) created some strategies to deal with life in a polyfamily, and I list their top five suggestions below. Any quotes are phrasing suggestions from these polykids.
Because the age of the kid makes a big difference in what kinds of challenges they face and the kinds of strategies they use to deal with them, I break this idea into a two-part series. This first article focuses on younger children more likely to be living with their parents. The second focuses on adult children with one or more parent involved in a consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationship.
5 Tips for Kids with Polyamorous Parents
1. Ask questionsThe first time your parents talk to you about their open relationship, you might not have a lot of clear questions to ask them right then. There is a good chance, though, that later you might wonder about how this might affect you and the other people in your life.
It is OK to ask your parents questions about their relationships, and you can hope for an age-appropriate and honest answer. Sometimes that answer might be "I don't want to talk about that right now," and that is OK too.
If you have questions for your parents, choose a time when you have enough privacy to talk about things openly without anyone else listening. It is also best to find a time to ask when people are feeling fairly calm, and then say, “Hey Parent, can we talk about the polyamory thing?” This gives them a chance to get their thoughts in order and make sure the timing is right for the conversation.
If that moment is not a great time for the conversation, you can ask “When would be a better time?” Ideally, the parent(s) will bring it up again when the timing is better, but it is OK for you to bring it up again if they forget.
2. Talk about feelings
You might feel all sorts of different things about your parents telling you that they are polyamorous: surprised, curious, uncomfortable, proud, or just unsettled and not even sure what is happening inside. Because this mix of feelings can be confusing, it might help you to talk about them with a good listener. This could be your parents, other trusted adults, and/or friends you are sure will respect your privacy.
Before you talk to anyone other than your folks, make sure to talk to your parents about who is a good choice for that conversation. It is OK to think about the family’s privacy, and you can tell others about it—or not—depending on what works best for you. If you want an outside perspective and/or have a lot of complicated feelings, you might want to ask your parents to help you find a counselor because they should be great at listening and keeping what you say private.
3. Find cool friends
What do you say about your polyfamily to other kids? Often, you won’t have to explain because the other kids either didn’t notice, don’t care, or won’t ask. Lots of children have stepparents, so it doesn't have to be a big deal that you might have extra adults in your life. If you don’t bring it up, then chances are good no one else will ask about it either.
If your peers bring it up and you don’t want to talk about it, you could create a distraction to change the conversation “Look over there—a shiny squirrel!” You could also say “Those are just my parents’ weird friends, I don’t know what they’re up to,” with an eyeroll. This can help to change the topic and move on to something else.
If you want to talk to someone about it and are not sure if you can trust this particular person, you can ask them how they feel about something that is not polyamory to see how they react. You could start by saying something about your gay relative, and if the person gets angry, upset, or spews homophobia then you know they are unlikely be safe to talk to about polyamory. If, however, the person says that they love their nonbinary duncle and support gay rights, then they might also be open to hearing more about your polyfamily.
Sometimes you might want to hang out with friends but do not feel like explaining about your parents being polyamorous. When that happens, you can hang out at friends’ places, the mall, the park, or somewhere you will not be around adults you might have to explain. Many people will not care at all if your parents are polyamorous, and if you happen upon someone who gets upset about it then that is a good sign that person is not a suitable friend.
4. Tell adults to ask your parents
Sometimes adults will be curious about other adults’ relationships and ask the kid about their parents and additional adults in the vicinity. Grandma might wonder about a new person who seems to be hanging out with the family a lot and, instead of asking their adult child what is happening, they ask the grandchildren about the adults’ relationships. That is not OK, Grandma—you really should not be putting your grandchild in that position!
Having a plan of what to say can help to be ready for the situation if it comes up. What the kids in the research suggest is saying “Ask my parent,” and if the other adult keeps asking then dial the phone, tell your parent the adult needs to talk to them, and hand the phone over to the adult so they must speak to the parent directly.
5. Be yourself
Remember that this is your parent(s)’ relationship style and it has nothing to do with who you are inside. You don’t have to be polyamorous just because your parents are. In fact, once you are an adult, you will have more choice to determine what kinds of relationships you want.
It is also OK to be one way for a while, and later grow into something different. As a kid, your parents have a big influence on shaping your life, and part of growing up is deciding the ways in which you are different from your parents so that you are independent as an adult.
This means that you can also have control over how and when to talk about it with your own friends. Your parents and their dates can pretend to be “just” friends when your peers are around. You can also talk about it as much as you want—as long as it doesn’t expose other people who don’t want to be outed.
You can also decide how much emotional connection you want to develop with the adults you meet through your parents, whether they are dating or not. Some adults will really click with you, and you will enjoy each other’s company. Other adults, not so much, and you might not want to connect with them at all.
The challenge comes when your parents really like someone who you would prefer not to hang out with. Like any kid interacting with a parent’s date or step-parent, you might come to like that adult more over time. You can also choose to spend less time around them when you grow up.
You don’t have to pretend to love that person, but you can help make family life more pleasant by treating them politely. If the adult is treating you in a way that you do not like, be sure to talk to your parents about it right away.
