What is Hell's equivalent to TempleOS?

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Hell has Windows 9. It comes pre-installed with 100 GB of bloatware, every app is metro, and every start menu search prioritizes an unrelated web search over the program or file you're actually searching for.

It's basically Windows 8 on steroids.
 
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Windows 8 onward.

Linux is good. Linux is honest earthly toil, because when you have a problem, there's always a solution. In Windows, the solution might not exist, and you will never know. Imagine you lost your beloved deceased grandfather's watch and you're upending everything in your house, but you have a suspicion you dropped it outside, or the pizza guy swiped it. That's what Windows 8+ is.
 
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AIX (legacy IBM UNIX derivative for the younglings) as the outer circle of Hell and moving on, even worse anything old school IBM mainframe involving Lovecraftian horrors like JCL:

Code: 
//SUBM     EXEC PGM=IEBGENER
//SYSPRINT DD   SYSOUT=Z
//SYSUT2   DD   SYSOUT=(A,INTRDR)
//SYSIN    DD   DUMMY
//SYSUT1   DD   DATA,DLM=ZZ
//RUNLATR  JOB  ACCT,MANIX,CLASS=A.TYPRUN=HOLD
//* ^ a JOB to run later
//CPUHOG   EXEC PGM=PICALC1K
//OUTPUT   DD   DSN=PICALC.1000DGTS,SPACE=(TRK,1),DISP=(,KEEP)
ZZ
//* ^ as specified by DLM=ZZ
//DROPOLDR EXEC PGM=IEFBR14
//DELETE4  DD   DSN=PICALC.4DGTS,DISP=(OLD,DELETE)
//DELETE5  DD   DSN=PICALC.5DGTS,DISP=(OLD,DELETE)

This runs a script and deletes two files.
 
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Ubuntu Satanic Edition.

That is, if you can still find ISOs of it anywhere, since the site that originally hosted it got turned into a Pajeet SEO-shitting blog.
 
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