Yeah this is terefying on so many Jungian / Neitschezen levels of our mortal recoil. I feel you , especially so as I had a comparable event occur.
I had a Friend have a medical issue and I wasn’t in the house I was painting outside. I got inside and if I was 30-40 seconds later they would have been dead. The first thought was I have to save them , second was if I can’t I’m committing HariKiri with Luger of shame that I failed them, I could noy live with myself. However I actually revived them- which I hold as one of my life’s transformative moments.