I’m making this post today to genuinely seek help. I’m a 29 year old trans woman and a recent grad living on her own in the North East. This may be a long post, but I genuinely need input and help. I feel like when I try to ask for help in regards to this with my therapist or support groups I don’t actually get a lot of clean answers or tangible ways that can help.
I am dealing with a chronic feeling of dissatisfaction with my life. I’m not only trans but I struggle with mental health issues with my autism, bipolar, ADHD etc. Growing up I had a lot of support for my autism, I was nonverbal and had high support needs. I used to have drop out seizures until the age of 5. My childhood was ok at the time, I didn’t feel too much distress but there were a lot of distressful moments, along with me being confused and not understanding social dynamics and reality. I didn’t have a lot of friends, and I didn’t get to be myself. I remember at a young age feeling very feminine wanting to play with girly stuff but I covered that up out of fear and just existed as a boy for a very long time.
Puberty was hell, parents did not understand me being trans, I tried to repress and that made things worse. I couldn’t perform in school, I went to community college and that took me four years. I took a two year gap after graduating from community college, I took 5 years to complete my undergrad that I finished last week.
The worst part of my life was when my parents kicked me out and I was on the psych ward and was almost homeless. It took massive amounts of help from autism support services in my state to get me back on my feet. I went from crisis housing, to a respite stay, to a shared living situation to my own apartment now. The rent is subsidized partially through my medicaid waiver, and I can’t earn over $2800 a month or I’d lose my medicaid coverage which subsidizes 70% of my rent. Without the subsidy I’d pay $1556. I currently pay $486. I currently work part time as a security guard. I hate it. I get misgendered constantly because of the required uniform. I'm also on food stamps and get medicare coverage because I was on SSDI for about a decade.
The problem I’m facing right now is a massive amount of dissatisfaction with my current life. I don’t feel any excitement towards things I’d like to do or that are possible in this life. It’s not to say I don’t have dreams, goals or things I want to accomplish, its that there are other things I wanted to have or experience that I just can’t, where in comparison to what I CAN experience I just don’t feel as much excitement or fulfillment from.
I've been on HRT for 4 years, had an orchirectomy, and
pass a semi decent amount of the time.
I know I can’t go back and be a kid again as the right gender autism-bipolar-ADHD free.
I know I can’t get many of the girlhood experiences being in girl scouts, being a high academic achiever, having a family that loves and cherishes me having female siblings. No first period, no high school social dynamics as a popular girl, no high academic achievement with extra curriculars and making valedictorian. No well respected high quality university education. No partner that fulfills me (current gf is an extreme disappointment), I can’t have any of these now. I don’t feel emotionally fulfilled or deeply understood in my current relationship
Alot of careers I'd like to do on a surface level I don't think cognitively I can perform them. I have gotten extremely envious of ivy league students and people on high paying career paths.
I have an 88 IQ. It would be extremely difficult for me to go to law school or med school to be able to get the education or perform a job like that. I know intelligence isn’t the sole determinant of worth or happiness. I am talking specifically about capability ceilings and realistic limitations in relation to the kinds of careers and academic lives I envy.
I
know not all girls experience this. Not every girl is ivy league bound, not every girl has female siblings, not every girl gets the middle class lifestyle growing up. Some are infertile, some have big shoulders, some have body hair, etc but I've yet to meet a cis woman with a combo of the things I have. The response I ALWAYS get to this is “plenty of cis women didn’t get X Y and Z!” I am VERY aware of that. It doesn’t make me not want it or help fulfill me. I want alternatives, or SOMETHING that can give me that.
I was at a support group last night and one of the people there that’s really kind to me told me “You can experience alot of those things now, you could be a cheerleader.”
How? I’m 29 going on 30. I cannot think of ANY way to do that. How about the others? I cannot relive my childhood or get that genuine feeling of truly being safe and cared for. There is a bill around every corner. There is always something I have to be doing. There’s no adult girl scouts, adult women dynamics at 30 isn’t the same as being a teen or a kid again.
You can tell me oh just do some filler classes at your old university to bump the GPA up to try a second undergrad! I don’t have the money to go back, I don’t have the spoons to work multiple jobs to be able to afford that AND house myself, feed myself, clothe myself, provide medical care for myself. No one would give me a scholarship. Loans would financially sink me long term at this age. Even if I got a full ride, I can’t just seamlessly enter 20 something friend groups and dynamics as these schools.
And what would I study anyway? I already have an associates of liberal arts and a history degree. I used to LOVE history but now all that does is make me depressed. I don’t have any passions, there really isn’t a field or topic that lights me up because the entire foundation of a life just is NOT there.
I’ve been applying for jobs non stop since December. My ceremony may have been two weeks ago, but the degree was conferred in December. I haven’t found ANY work. People just tell me the economy is rough but that doesn’t DO anything.
People always tell me to be grateful, people tell me “comparison is the thief of joy”, people tell me to stop comparing, people tell me to stop feeling envy. I can’t. It’s like breathing. The resentment will always be there, I’ll be grieving the girl I never got to be for a very long time, if not for the rest of my life. Emotionally I’ve been a wreck forever, these past few weeks have been even worse. I keep going back to the 4tran subreddit like a meth addict reaching for the needle. I know that sub is bad for me. But no one seems to understand what I’m going through. Suicidal thoughts keep popping up too, I binge eat, I can’t stick to even a simple calorie deficit or walking. I can barely do the voice exercises daily.
I don’t feel excited for what I could theoretically do. There are things I’d love to do, I’d love to move to the UK (I’m a huge Anglophile, I’m well aware that the UK has been backsliding extremely in the past decade with trans rights), I’d love to get all the surgeries I can’t afford right now like rib remodelling, height reduction in Turkey, lilac crest implants, clavicle reduction, cinderella procedure, BA, SRS etc
At this point I am rambling but I want to ask the following questions to hopefully get decent advice.
- What can I do as an alternative to the things I can’t have that come with a female childhood/teen years as an adult? There’s no adult girl scouts, adult cheerleading, or quirky colorful social dynamics I can get involved in
- How do I feel any excitement for my future or think of something I can do to satisfy myself in this life?
Thank you
