Nobody would want to willingly read all this. Nobody cares until you’re a corpse, and even then, if you’re not their friend or family, it doesn’t matter. People say they care, but truth is they are always engrossed in their own lives, thus nobody can save you except yourself. No one cares about a random internet stranger’s rantings, who would ever even expend so much energy to read it all. Though, I applaud if there was such a being who did.
Tell me, if I died would you care? No, don’t lie. You wouldn’t. How could you care when you don’t even know my name, my gender, my favourite colour? ‘I’ll be there for you’ is such a well-dressed lie even a parrot can repeat when you don’t even know who I was at heart.
I want to kill myself everyday. If I only I could snap my fingers and wake up in a male body tomorrow then I wouldn't feel so sick all the time, I wouldn't be mutilated by hideous amounts of ostrogen anymore...
I could've been a cis male, I could've lived life happily as a gay man but instead I suffocate to death in my own body everyday. When I see pre-everything trans women venting about not having a womb or how they wish they were born a girl in their next life, I feel so sad. Why can't we switch bodies? I would kill to have normal male anatomy, a male physique, grow up normally like the other boys. If I became a seahorse father I would literally kill myself, the very thought repulses me. It makes me upset that I cannot donate these tumorous female parts of myself to a trans woman, and receive the opposite, oh how happy I would be to be a cis male...tragic how our trash can be another one's treasure...
No matter how many times I hit or bite or scratch myself, nothing ever changes. I will never be called by my real name, or by male pronouns. People always believe we come from a place of internalised misogyny or that we are autoandrophilic. But even if I lived all alone on an island, or was the last human on Earth, l'd still be a man. I am not a woman who doesn’t want to be a woman because of some stupid patriarchal reason. I am just a man who is gay and likes feminine and cute things. No I am not a femboy, I don’t mind being a feminine man but I am to have the mannerisms and the appearance of an average man and not of a woman. I am to be masculine and feminine every way a man is. I see teenage boys and I just want to die, I see cis men doing anything and I just want to kill myself. They get to have cis male friendships and those memories of boyhood I never could because I was born all wrong, wasting all those years cosplaying as somebody I never was but others insisted I was simply because of a singular chromosome, it sickens me so…
Sorry, I cannot change my body or my heart. I wish I could. No one can understand my pain, my severe dysphoria, I will do anything to be reborn again as a normal man with normal male anatomy and all. My brain simply thrives on testosterone, that is all, I was neurologically built to be male but my stupid body did not correlate. Even being born intersex would’ve been a greater mercy than being chained to this hideous fate.
I suppressed this discomfort until I finally could not breathe anymore, overcome by jealously as all the other boys grew into men and only I grew all wrong. The tumours on my chest, my axe wound, my reproductive system that has no use other than to remind me that I am not a natal male (instead, I am an omegaverse freak), the endogenous amounts of oestrogen that rapes me from night to day...it is exhausting to pretend that everyone is normal, that everything is fine when I am a man being forced to live as woman.
Everyday I dream that one day I'll look into the mirror and see not the face of a woman I barely know but of a handsome man that is truly me. Even if I was an ugly man, l'd still take it over being a pretty girl, the mere fact that I am male makes me so happy. I'm tired of faking smiles, pretending like l'm content existing in this hideous state. I am a gay man trapped inside a female body and it is funny how desperately people attempt to dissuade me, when I am anything but a woman. There is nothing wrong with being female, it is simply that I am not one, I am male.
Why can't you understand? You would if I was a born a man with gynecomastia and a hormone disorder. Alan Turing, a gay man who lead the breaking of the Enigma code, was force-fed oestrogen for a year or so and he killed himself so why have I suffered for nearly two decades being mutilated by female hormones and nobody pats me on the head and tells me how strong and brave I am as a man for suffocating in my own body everyday? Because you still think I’m a woman? There is nothing I can do to truly prove that I am a man internally. It hurts so much. As pathetic as it is, I wished somebody would come along, pat me on the head and call me a good boy and assure me that everything will be okay.
It’s double hell as I hold no romantic attraction to female anatomy or anybody who presents as a woman. And that’s exactly why nobody would ever like me because no matter what I do I will never perceived as a man to them. Doesn’t matter if they’re bi or pan or gay or whatever. No matter how hard I wish I will never be absolved of my disgusting anatomy. I will never be a normal man.
Sometimes I wonder if I should pretend to be a mtf detransitioner so I can become forcemasced by others. Wouldn't that be lovely? It seems so hard for others to fucking stop using the wrong name and pronouns otherwise. Maybe all this pain will subside when I get testosterone and surgery, when I start looking male, to pass so good you'd think I was a cis man...I wouldn't need to drown in such melancholy everyday, I burn with sickening jealously as to how lucky most people are to be born cis. You can just be born with everything. You never have to experience this type of body horror I suffocate with everyday. How lucky oh how I wish I was a cis man just like you.
When I get testosterone and surgery you bet it'll be the happiest days of my life. Let me transition in peace. I'll be real handsome and finally be able to smile and take care of myself, I promise you. The only regret I have is never being told earlier that we could exist, no, only that trans woman could and that we would merely 'grow out of it and finally enjoy being a woman. Guess what, I never did because I was always male from the day I was born. Oh isn't it so bad, that I am a gay man too? All the others believe the same storyline, take your pick: internalised misogyny, the patriarchal society, some secondary trauma as a woman, female beauty standards, or worse of all, a delusional fujoshi if you happen to be gay.
My dear Christopher, I say to myself. Don't fret at all, one day you'll be fixed and you'll finally be able to grow up normally like the other boys. You'll be able to be loved and seen as a man. Just keep on living, isn't it a miracle that you're alive? But I feel like death everyday, feel so shit when people treat me like a woman, when I look into the mirror and don't look like a man at all. Would it kill people to just remember my name and use male pronouns? Maybe it doesn't matter to them, but it means the world to me.
I truly despise the nickname 'Chris', because I know you think it's short for some girl name like 'Christina' or 'Christine' no it's short for 'Christopher' stupid but I have to keep it down and force myself to smile everyday. Most people don't even know that a male counterpart of trans women exists, we have no relevancy, representation scarcer than water in the desert. I want to burn all my childhood photos, none of it is ever me—only the shell of a boy who was like Peter Pan, who never grew up into a man. Even worse, I grew up into a woman. If you are a girl, then growing up into a woman is wonderful, all forms of growing up from childhood to adolescence are, but I am a boy! A male child! I was meant to go through male puberty, I was to grow up into a man, why can’t you see how fucking wretched this is!
I'm sorry that I turned out like this. So ill, so sick of the ostrogen mutilating me as we speak. I can only cope by disassociating, I am pervaded by a consistent inability to form memories or feel emotion. This is what happens when a gay man is trapped inside a female body and slowly forgets himself, I was forced to cosplay as a straight woman for far too long. If I could have one wish then I would simply want to be born a normal cis male. It'd be everything I ever needed and more. I'd be so happy. I wouldn't have to feel pain like this.
I can’t concentrate or take any action on my life, it’s literally going to take me years to get diagnosed with ADHD and autism. All the time people be like ‘what if you don’t have this and that and lalala…’ but LOOK AT ME! I could literally turn up with a broken leg and they’re still be people treating me like I don’t have a broken legs and it’s all in my head. ‘Oh but if you regret it and want to go back lalala…’ MOTHER am I six? Do you think the doctors don’t walk you through everything do you really think I haven’t spent time procuring all forms of information? Do you think I am transitioning because ‘feel ugly as a woman’ or ‘want to escape the patriarchal pressure of being a woman’? FUCK YOU I’M NOT YOUR DOLLY PRINCESS I’M A GAY MAN I WILL NEVER BE YOUR SON I WILL NEVER BE LOVED AS MYSELF I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER DID IS SPEAK OF MY SHORTCOMINGS AND INSULT ME FOR MY FLAWS AND MAKE FUN OF ME FOR EVERYTHING I DID I’D RATHER BE A ORPHAN THAN TO BE BORN WITH SUCH UNLOVING PARENTS
No, I couldn’t care less about fitting into a box as a woman because I am not even a woman, but I’ll gladly try to fit into a box as a man, most of the people who I look up to are male, I want to grow up into a handsome and thoughtful man just like them, I really could do it if only could be alleviated of my natal sex. I never felt inclined to compare myself against pretty woman, for I was never a woman only a man who by happenstance, found himself stuck inside a female body from birth. The true body horror was yet to come, female puberty in of itself scarred me beyond words. Truly horrifying, a man being stuck inside a female body and being forced to grow up as a woman. But nobody was sympathetic. Nobody understood me. Nobody comforted me or petted me on the head or loved me for who I was on the inside.
I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO DIE IT HURTS SO MUCH WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND WHY WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS NEVER LOVED WHY DOES NOBODY COMFORT ME I CAN NEVER BE MYSELF I AN ALWAYS SUFFOCATING IN MY OWN BODY KILL YOURSELF CHRISTOPHER KILL YOURSELF NOBODY CARES IF THEY DID THEY'D TAKE IT SERIOUSLY AND TREAT ME LIKE A NORMAL MAN FUCK THIS SHIT IT HURTS SO MUCH
I WISH I WAS A CIS MAN TOO I WISH SOMEBODY BELIEVED ME BUT EVERYONE ALWAYS LAUGHS ALWAYS MAKING JOKES ABOUT GAY MEN LIKE ME SO KILL YOURSELF CHRISTOPHER YOU'LL NEVER BE A REAL MAN WHY WOULD YOU BE WHEN YOU WEREN'T BORN MALE IF YOU WERE BORN MALE NOBODY WOULD CARE ABOUT A CIS MAN WHO LIKES FEMININE THINGS YOU COULD'VE BEEN A CIS MAN CHRISTOPHER SO FUCKING UNLUCKY
NOBODY WANTS YOU NOBODY LIKES YOU JUST DIE DON'T BOTHER TRANSITIONING IT WON'T WORK YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A DELUSIONAL WOMAN A DEFECT OF A FEMALE KILL YOURSELF NOTHING WILL CHANGE YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MALE ANATOMY ALL YOU WILL EVER BE IS A HUMAN FREAKSHOW A STUPID WOMAN WHO NEEDS THE THE MASCULINITY FUCKED OUT OF HER KILL YOURSELF DIE DIE DIE STUPID DID YOU REALLY THINK ANYBODY WOULD LOVE YOU AS WHO YOU ARE KEEP THE MASK ON STUPID BECAUSE YOUR TRUE SELF IS HIDEOUS NOBODY WANTS TO SEE IT
Oh Christopher stop blabbering on, your appointment in a few weeks, are you so weak-willed that you cannot wait? My own melancholy disgusts me. But I feel like I am at the end of my wits, if the doctor does not give me testosterone on the very same appointment, I will be inclined to bash his head, beat him black and blue, only in my mind of course, for this is the revolting human instincts I have resigned to, a product of mental illness my parents swept under the rug until it became unbearable to deny. My apologies, I am a human, not a robot. My own puberty cannot be delayed any longer or I feel like I will become mad and start contemplating shooting fantasies. I really wanted to get better but nobody instilled me self-confidence or left me room for my own voice and personality, I was always dragged around like a pitiful princess dolly. I was left unable to choose, it was like everybody had written my story out for me, every day micromanaged into their perfect idealisations.
Nobody asked for my favourite colour, it was already assumed to be pink. The real answer(s)? Periwinkle, lavender, and black, but it didn’t matter—I was scolded for being so picky, so ungrateful. My likes and dislikes weren’t important to anyone, I was not a human but a picture perfect paper cut-out. Smile for the picture little princess, your favourite colour is pink and will always be pink! I live in a dollhouse where nobody sees what happens behind closed doors, though we are always smiling in our photos, so everything is fine! I am always told that I don’t know better, yes, I was always treated as a child, I never was allowed to figure out who I was because my parents decided everything for me from birth.
There was not a soul who asked how I felt, so I resigned to deep introspections and delusions of companionship all whilst nodding and presenting appropriate surface-level interactions. Nobody likes a person who thinks and knows too much. Perhaps it’s a neurotypical thing, but they’d rather speak of surface-level topics like the weather, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I am sorry that I don’t talk a lot but when I do talk, it becomes a hindrance for no one want to hear extended details about a niche topic of interest. Nobody respected my boundaries, the notion that I hated being touched apart from being petted on my head, or that I was immensely uncomfortable with eye contract, no I was always a defect I was meant to be normal and not different like this. Why wasn’t I born a cis male? Or even as a normal woman with the corresponding neurological workings of a female. I could’ve lead a normal life. Instead, I am like this. I am lonely. I am tired, so tired. So sick, filled with melancholic ranting I continue to vomit out like this everyday. I want to die, but I am much of a pillow princess, I fancy the idea of somebody doing it for me, I say it to delude myself of taking responsibility of taking another’s life (even if it is my own), but really, I am in an eternal checkmate of not wanting to live yet not wanting to die. Anhedonia is my dear friend. It never goes away.
Maybe one day I’ll read this all again and laugh to myself how silly it all was, how much more there was to life I had not yet found. Maybe it really is the hideous amounts of oestrogen that is clouding my view. The wrong hormone can make any sane person deranged. One year later I imagine I may grow up as a very handsome man (why wouldn’t anybody want to be attractive, as vain as it seems, it is a natural value for humans that commonly pursue), hmm my voice will sound male and I will have a male physique with lean muscles from the gym and a well-balanced diet, I’ll grow up into a man just like all the other boys did, well there’s not hope for my height unless a miracle occurs, but my skin will be of a male’s and I’ll have a masculine face and everything. Body hair I can just shave and make pattern baldness well that’s unfortunate if it happens to me, to the finasteride then, no cis man wants to become bald either. I’ll forget all this pain. Maybe it would be too early to say I would be indistinguishable from a cis man, but I hope it allows others to forget my birth, to truly believe me and treat me as I was meant to be, for I am only human too.
WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE ME WHY WON’T YOU COMFORT OR VALIDATE ME IT HURTS SO MUCH DO I HAVE TO BE DEAD FOR ANYBODY TO CARE WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TREAT ME LIKE A NORMAL MAN AND NOT A DELULU WOMAN WHY IS IT SO HARD TO IT HURTS SO MUCH I WANT TO DIE
GIVE ME TESTOSTERONE OR I’LL KILL MYSELF
GIVE ME SURGERY OR I’LL KILL MYSELF
OH YOU DON’T CARE IF I’M DEAD?
OH I’M SURE YOU’RE CARE MORE IF I FUCKING SHOOT UP INNOCENT PEOPLE YOU WOULD CARE MORE ABOUT A DEAD CUTE CHILD THAN A DEAD BROKEN UGLY HUMAN LIKE ME
GIVE ME TESTOSTERONE MAKE ME NORMAL STOP IT HURTS SO MUCH I’M ALWAYS SUFFERING I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN I DON’T WANT TO HURT ANYONE I DON’T WANT TO HURT MYSELF BUT IT FEELT LIKE NO MATTER WHAT I DO NOBODY WILL CARE ABOUT ME OR LOVE ME OR EVEN COMFORT ME I’M TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE OKAY I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND LOVED AS MYSELF LIKE THE OTHER HUMANS WHY IS IT ONLY ME WHO IS ALWAYS IN PAIN
I don’t know. I am comfortable here, lying and rotting in my bed. At least my blanket loves me. It has given me more warmth and consolation than any living animal, human or not, has ever done.
I can reiterate it all to my plushies, and they will intently listen to me word for word, whereas no human can find the attention span to digest such a malformed, melancholic infestation of words thinly disguised as a coherent rant.
My parents like obedient and quiet children. A good doll who is only seen and not heard, for to express a view that did not align with theirs was death. ‘You are just a child, don’t question our authority!’
I was scolded for being haughty, for reading too much, for knowing various things. They closed their eyes, pretended that the bare minimum of being fed and housed was a job deserving of incredible praise. ‘You don’t have any problems, it’s that you saw some stuff on the internet!’ Hahaha. They thought they knew everything about me, the formed their own perception of myself inside their little heads. To say it is all for the good of me is an excuse when you don’t even know the person you’re doing it for.
Perhaps a part of me continues to live out of spite. I AM A FUCKING GAY MAN AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE IT I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN I WILL NEVER WEAR A WHITE WEDDING DRESS I WILL NEVER BIRTH CHILDREN LIKE A GOOD WIFE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I AM NOT A TOMBOY I AM NOT A GENDER NON-CONFORMING OR MASCULINE WOMAN I AM NOT NON-BINARY I AM NOT LESBIAN BECAUSE I’M NOT EVEN A WOMAN OR LIKE WOMAN ROMANTICALLY AND I WILL NEVER GROW OLD AS A WOMAN fuck you fuck you I will be loved as who I am I will be called by my real name I will pass so good you’d never question it I’ll finally have a flat chest and male physique and look male and won’t hate my incorrect anatomy and a man will love me as a man and I’ll be so fucking handsome and lean muscular and I’ll be an amazing illustrator and animator it’s okay it’s okay just breathe time passes anyways no matter what why waste it we are all under the mercy of time haha isn’t it silly nobody can escape it we are all just humans at the end of the day there are many things beyond our comprehension so try your best Christopher just try, okay?
I’LL LIVE MY BEST LIFE
FUCK DEPRESSION FUCK ANHEDONIA FUCK CRIPPLING GENDER DYSPHORIA OH BEING ALIVE IS SO MUCH EFFORT BUT I EVEN THOUGH I’M SO ILL IT’S SUCH A WASTE TO DESTROY IT ALL I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL
But you know what Christopher told me? Live for me, do. I will not, and shall not, ever allow myself to die a woman.
No, it’s a lie, I am a not gay man I am just a stupid woman KILL YOURSELF if only I was born male nobody would have treated me like I am somebody who fetishises gay men KILL YOURSELF JUST DIE DIE DIE DISGUSTING WORTHLESS THING EVERYBODY ABANDONED ME NOBODY LIKES A DEPRESSED THING I’LL ONLY INFECT YOU close your eyes pretend I don’t exist I am only a impure stain on this world SO I NEED TO FUCKING DIE kill yourself kill yourself
I am truly the most hideous, my birth was nothing more than a mistake. Why didn’t anyone love me? Why didn’t anyone believe me? Why did I become like this? What I did I do so wrong.
.....
May everyone reading this be safe from entering a relationship with a closeted transbian
