I'm just so torn inside. I do not know how I have managed to convince myself that coming out was ever a good idea, when it has only ever resulted in a worse life for everyone involved.I have had such a good life the last many years with my partner - the happiest I've ever been in my life - and yet i wanted more.
I already put him through hell, i know, because i struggled with an undiagnosed chronic illness. I was wasting away, would throw up half of all the meals i ate, and was sometimes too weak to even walk. Long after I had given up, he pushed on, called the doctors, demanded that they listened. He has already sacrificed such a big part of his life for me. And yet I wanted more.
I came out to him, told him i was trans - that i had known for a very long time, but i was so afraid of talking about it, because when i told my mother 10 years ago, she called me a monster, and she has since used her knowledge of me being trans to get me to step in line more - threatening to out me if i did not obey her. Somehow, i had convinces myself that my partner would understand.
That after everything he could love me for who i was, that we could just live a happy life together as a gay couple. But he broke down crying.
I saw his happy envisioned future shatter in front of my eyes. How did I ever get so disillusioned? I have previously prided myself in not believing in fairy-tales, in the perfect hollywood endings. But in the end it seems like we had envisioned very different paths.
And I should have known - i know he's not gay. Likewise, he had known from the start that i did not want children (and that i am not able to, without significant risk, due to my disease). Yet it seems, somehow, we had both imagined a future where the impossible became possible.
When i told him i was trans, he cried and cried. I felt so bad. I've lied to him for so long, but even worse, i've robbed him of so much of his life. I had hoped the fact that i told him i wouldn't transition would make it easier, but he knows if it weren't for him I'd definitely try to transition. Which, i think, in his mind, makes it even worse - puts him in a bad bind.
We've both sacrificed for our relationship, but i guess this is one sacrifice he can't take. I've often thought he would be much happier with someone else - not someone as broken and troublesome as me. I've thought it would be better if he found himself a more traditional wife, who wanted children, and wasn't sick. That i could easily live out the rest of my days as a hermit somewhere, just doing my work.
But now that those thoughts might become a reality, i find my heart ache unbearably.
