Life isn't what I wanted it to beDiscussion (
self.TransLater)
submitted 2 days ago by
ThrowawayGwen
I've realised I have no ambitions left whatsoever. The things I wanted from life have all gone up in smoke.
I'm entering my 30s with nothing to strive towards, work towards or hope for. It's like I have little to no meaning anymore. I'm not even 30 and I've got literally nothing to strive towards. I'll be stuck in the same lonely routine for the next 20 years.
Years ago I'd wanted to be a teacher. That died. Then I was gonna work for the RQIA (they inspect nursing homes in my country), that went up in smoke too due to being bullied out of the care industry as it's not very trans-accepting, like at all. Then I was going to be a counsellor. That died too.
Working with animals died a few months ago. My dream of having SRS seems to have gone as well mainly because it's so expensive and I wouldn't have anyone to look after me.
I was gonna move away but the government of the place I was gonna move to got super transphobic so it would no longer be safe. Where I live now, although I experience hate crime and discrimination (it's Tuesday for me) the laws remain different. No bathroom bills and although I'm banned from certain women's spaces I can still access many of them.
And more recently, and I mean like recently as in a few days ago, romance is dead, which also means that so is being a mum and getting a dog.
There's nothing left that I wanted.
It's just one loss, but wave after wave, until it feels like there's nothing left to cling to. Not even a scrap of the future I'd dreamed of. And none of those were shallow dreams either. They were full of care, purpose, connection, and identity. It hurts.
My routine is I go out and do social stuff from time to time but then I come back to an empty apartment. That's it. Just attend friendly groups, hobby groups, go to the occasional event when I can afford to etc.
But I'm always,
always coming back to the empty apartment. I truly spend as much time outside as possible, often overstaying my welcome at the stuff I attend because I hate the apartment. I hate it because this routine isn't something I can seem to break out of.
I don't know what to do with myself for the next 20-40 years. Everything feels dead.
