Feeling worse because I feel obligated to stay here
I don't know if it sounds stupid but I felt a little...better? that I could do something if I was hurt enough. My mind would rationalize that even if it would devastate my partner, she'd eventually move on. But now we have a son. And all I can think is, I can't do anything. Even though he's so young, the minute he'd find out that that was how he lost his dad, it would scar him. And there's plenty of research that shows if you have a parent that did it, there's a higher chance that you'll be more prone to those thoughts/attempt it too.
So then my mind has been trying to think of loopholes like, okay what if he's way older? Well not only does that mean I have to deal with this pain for so long but that's not even a guarantee because there are people who are 30, 40 and lose a parent to this. And it still breaks them. Solely because of what it is.
I don't get it but all I know is I definitely felt less suicidal when I felt like I could do it anytime I wanted. I don't get it. Anyone else feel the same?