I'm FTM. And I'm a binary FTM.
I wanted to take hormones desperately.
I had the worst dysphoria on earth, to the point of near constant panic attacks. That does not mean I think Testosterone is a miracle drug that solves all problems.
There's a lot of very toxic positivity about hormones. I personally have been bullied online for sharing my negative experience taking them. No, I don't want to scare people off taking them. No, I don't want to denounce medical transitioning. I want people to be aware that most of the time, it's actually not that FUN and EXCITING.
Like a lot of guys, I hit the unhappy lottery of just about every negative side effect.
- I am balding and having to take drugs for it for the the foreseeable future. And despite having no family history. Yeah.
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My cystic acne has gotten worse over time, not better.
I have it on my arms, shoulders, entire back, butt, legs, face, neck. Everywhere. Normal medications have done nothing.
I now need a long, harsh run of Accutane (which sucks to be on, by the way!)
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I've had rapid fat redistribution, so fast in fact, that I have a lot of sagging skin as if I lost like 100 pounds in 3 months. I have face sagging and hollow cheeks, neck sagging, thigh sagging, boob sagging, belly sagging. You name it.
I'm thin and haven't changed my diet or gained or lost weight, and it still happened. I've already had cosmetic surgery on my thighs/butt. And am seeking stuff for my face because is really it that bad.
- I have body hair in a very unfortunate place.
My boyfriend is a bear, I have more hair on my butt cheeks than he does. And just my butt cheeks, nowhere else.
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I grew weird skin tags/warts
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I've had anger issues and personality changes (including brief psychosis) and have had to have a lot of therapy.
- Vaginal atrophy is awful.
I get frequent UTI's, thrush, etc. Managing it is hell. It's a daily thing. I have a cream for that, but unfortunately it isn't an easy fix.
And it (the cream) causes cramps and spotting that can be so bad I'll be writhing in bed for an entire night.
- The only beard I can grow is a gross neck/chin beard. It may never change.
- Bottom growth is minimal at best. It's tiny even compared to other trans guys.
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I sweat enough to fill a bath tub.
- I still had thighs and butt like Kim K or Marilyn Monroe even after going to the gym/exercising, etc.
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I have problems with my T levels. They get too high despite all fiddling around with dosage. I have to go to multiple specialists and take extra meds to control it.
- I've had mild heart issues.
None of this is going to make me stop taking T. I've been on it three years, and about every 3-6 months gain a new complication. I look male now, I pass. My dysphoria is at an all time low.
I do not regret it, but for every few good things, there are bad things. I love my new life as the man I was meant to be.
But it's not always glamorous. It's not.
Not everybody will become a handsome Adonis or a cute uwu twink. And we need to stop pretending that. Those photos online you see of those people aren't the reality for many, or even most.
It can cause a lot of medical issues, and require constant management. It's something you should be aware of before you start. Any surgeries you have to make you body look the way it should can be expensive, painful, and sometimes cause more medical issues.
We need to be uplifting people's voices when they come online to share their stories and want solidarity with other guys who are also struggling. Not bully them, belittle them, accuse them or lying or making it up or chase them from communities to have a 'positive' space.
. I reached out to the proffessor to see if he could open it back up and he said no because I said it was on accident and I dont want to explain the whole situation to him. Even then he probably wouldn't open it back up. It probably brings me from a B+ to a B- in the class which sucks but bright side is my girls are bigger than I thought I guess.
