So I'm in this weed biology class, and we have an assignment to collect 5 weed specimens and properly identify them. This was assigned the first day of class, but today I finally got around to starting it because it's due on Thursday.
So I went outside my apartment building into a very poorly kept flower bed and grabbed the first five weeds I could find. I brought them inside and opened my identification book. I found one of the specimens, and what follows is my internal dialog.
Oh, this looks like one of my weeds.
Poison hemlock?
That doesn't sound good. I wonder if its like poison ivy. Well, I've been carrying it around for a while and haven't broken out yet, so whatever.
"Leaves are triangular, dark green, very lacy, and fern-like"
Yep, that sounds right
"Stems are hollow between nodes, ridged, and hairless with purple spots and blotches"
Check.
"Poison hemlock is often found in undisturbed areas, and is especially prevalent against walls and fences"
Yeah, I guess.
"The roots and stems of poison hemlock contain a potent neurotoxin and are EXTREMELY POISONOUS". One root is sufficient to kill a cow or horse. A VIOLENT DEATH occurs 15 minutes to 3 hours after ingestion. Plant sap contacting skin can cause SEVERE burns 30 to 45 minutes after handling."
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Motherfucker.
It's been eight hours and I'm not dead yet. But my hypochondriac ass has been having mild panic attacks since. If I don't post for a while, please dox me, find my obit, and avenge my death by harassing the guy who assigned this project.